How Old Were You?

[Bunny]

Hi

I have had panic attacks from about the age of 7 nearly everyday, became anorexic at 8 until 10ish maybe longer, became depressed around 12/13, selfharmed first at 14 and had a my major breakdowns at 15yrs old, 18 years old and 19 yrs (now) and have only just bin diagnosed with BPD after od three times in about a month only one was serious enough for admission though

bunny xx

[feistymiss]

I can remember being 7ish and sitting on the bottom of the pool (yes, underwater) crying, wanting to stay there forever.

i read a book recently called BLACKBIRD by Jennifer Lauck, and in the book, she was being bullied, etc at the time of an episode which went on to become much worse (cant say, may trigger others) but she couldnt swim, yet tried to sit under the water, as you describe, wanting to avoid the torture

Jennifer Lauck has several more books out, her own childhood, plus how she has coped etc and well worth a read and a mention

hope you dont mind Kay, me using your thread, but this is where it reminded me of the incidence of Jennifer's

[Selene]

I think they have always been with me, I had very strange thought for as long as I can remember though I wasnt diagnoised with anything till I was about 11. Im 22 now.

[stonetears]

for me i had always felt differently but around 11 is when i felt really low and started to cut myself. it seemed to come from nowhere and i just knew in my stomach that noone could understand me. at first i was confused and i believed that it was because i was struggling with my sexuality (experimentation as i grew up proved otherwise) ... even though i can't quite put a finger on my exact emotions, i know i don't feel "normal" and i always have.

kel x

[wordsmithy]

16/17 when i first had depressive episodes.

17/18 first self harm.

19/20 bpd has come into play, and residential treatment.

now i am newly 21.

[ravenna]

im 22 now-

21- last new diagnoses

19-first hospitalization

17-started self harming regularly

12-first time I really noticed that it wasnt normal to always be unhappy

10- started to self harm

before that i always had some problems(dont recall a lot of details from my childhood, just a big blur)

[full blown sarcasm]

I've had issues ever since i can remember. I'd always been a loner because I felt i didn't fit in and well...because I was rejected by the other kids. So I'd say I was about 4 when it started.

[aerogirl02]

I have had problems all my life, I saw a child therapist at age 8, in an adolescent residential treatment centre at 13, took first overdose at 17, I just can't relate to the world at all..

[cherylbcool]

remember bad depression at 13. have had bad episodes with it ever since.

started therapy at 39. am a little better now at 44.

i was not allowed to have feelings when younger, learned to stuff everything in. then one day it all came out.

[cherylbcool]

remember bad depression at 13. have had bad episodes with it ever since.

started therapy at 39. am a little better now at 44.

i was not allowed to have feelings when younger, learned to stuff everything in. then one day it all came out.

[Dreamer]

I can recall fantasizing about my mom getting carted off to jail for being abusive...I was about 7.

Hospitalized at 13 for 'behavior problems' she said...diagnosed with depression then...

Diagnosed last august with BPD

Hospitalized again at 30 for a few days...

[fucktheworld]

Wow what an enlightening thread. I was acting out before I could talk. All I remember is feeling overwhelming sadness, anger, and fear I had to go to school. Every day I was terrified at what could happen next and constantly in trouble.

Maybe 1% of my memories as a child are happy, free moments. I was almost more tortured because I had no awareness, or definitions helping me understand why I felt such lack of control. The older I got the more complicated the problems ending up at times in trouble with the police, drug addiction, in extremely abusive relationships, living in dangerous places...everything.

It has never changed, I wake up everyday and at some point in the day I have to fight the si, su urges and raging or sad thoughts. Sometimes I can work through them and sometimes I get beat down. Reading on this forum has been the most relief I have ever experienced in all these 30+ years of feeling like this. Thank you everyone for all your posts, all the honesty I have found here.

[Suicidal Smily]

I was sexually abused when I was 11. That is when all the really bad trouble started. I was teased since I was around 5 or younger. That I think is when it really started. My dad left me when I was born and that still really hurts me because he just lives 30 minutes away and still refuses to see me. I was a product of an affair so I have been hated for that since I was concieved. I have 3 siblings and none really care to see me or anything. I hid that anything was wrong with me until I hit high school and I couldn't keep it together anymore. I was 16 when I started therapy and my first hospitalization was then too. I started meds then too. I overdosed at that age too. I had borderline characteristics since I was that age or at least when they were noticed since nobody qualified was around to notice before then. I was offically diagnosed and all that about 3 or 4 weeks ago. I really dislike all this mental health disorders and things like that because they require so much work.

[Life is sweet]

I remember being "sad" when I was in first grade. Even before that, kindergarten I just knew something wasn't right in my world. So fucked up that it was that way.

[AMR]

Had my first major depression episode when I was 11. Always had anger outbursts. Learned behaviour from my mother. Got diagnosed in Dec 2006. Always knew there was something wrong but had no idea how to face it. On my road to recovery now but with some very hard years still to go. I will get there in the end! :lol:

[™Michelle1]

I was in my teens when i knew something wasn't right with me but i didn't seek help

til recently because my symptoms got worse over the years and i just thought

that this is who i was and couldn't do anything to change it.

I have had depression and anxiety for about 15 years and i thought these

were my only problem,it never occured to me that there was more

going on until i told my regular Doctor and she sent me to

my Phychiatrist (sp?) and she diagnosed me with BPD

[emergingtoo]

I wasn't hospitalized or diagnosed until I was 38 years old; I am 44 now. But looking back, I had depression and anxiety problems from the time I was very young. Was an unplanned pregnancy and never really wanted I don't think, I was a preemie and the birth was very painful for my mom; got pneumonia when 6 weeks old and hospitalized. I think all these things may have affected my mom's ability to bond with me.

My mom took frequent business trips. Would cry and be afraid her plane would crash and she'd never come home again. My parents left us with babysitters ALOT and also left my sister and I alone at night while they went drinking after work. Would come home much later than they promised, and I would be afraid they had an accident. Can remember standing at the window in the dark, my stomach in knots, thinking they had a car crash and were lying dead somewhere.

Started going door to door in my neighborhood to find adults to talk to and became involved with a neighbor who molested me. Moved numerous times and went to 8 different schools, so was always having to leave friends or pets behind. Was ultra-sensitive, so felt emotionally torn up anytime somebody made a mean comment about me at school. Once was made fun of and called a slut when I wore red pants -- didn't wear red pants again for nearly 20 years.

Dad was always depressed and critical; mom ultra-happy and never noticed anything was wrong. Dad avoided me mostly, but when drinking, would goad me into arguments, make sarcastic comments and ridicule me, then laugh when I got upset and cried. I constantly worried about everything. Felt overwhelmed by my emotions with nobody to notice or help me. Fourth grade teacher said I cried alot in school.

Came across my 5th grade diary one day, and it was so full of anxiety, depression, and pain that I threw it away. Was afraid for anybody in my family to find it and know how unhappy I was (always protecting their feelings!)

That's just a start.

I've been in therapy for 9 years.

My mom says she can't think of anything that happened to me in my childhood that would have caused me to have problems today.

[denise24]

I had self harmed from about 12, but didnt get diagnosed till last year (When I was 23). But I had known something wasnt right for a long time xx

[Shellybelly]

ok well i was always known as a worryier even from an extremly young age i worried about everything it was always a huge deal with me a speeling test in school was like a life or death thing if i did good or bad so guess looking back now i showed signs of bpd even as young as 6

but used been loud and chatty to hide it only my mum really seen this then at 14 i used to do some sh

but didnt realise what it was i was doing and used to beinge eat at this time then at 18 it went downhill

altogether i finished school and took a breakdown and od about 5 times in that year at the end of college

into next year then kinda picked up again for a year there i managed to control the terrible pain and worryies

inside me and then in jan 2006 i noticed myself going downhill again but waited till i had totally hit rock buttom

in oct to say so to anyone and hid it wish i had continued to hide it but cant change that was diagnosed first

i knew of it as bpd on new eve night in the hospital but found out since ive had that diagnosis since 19

am 22 now and have several other diagnosis also..

[feistymiss]

ive posted on this before and note an early trend developing

it seems from young ages these postings are reflecting that something wasnt right, that things took precious long time and SH before action was taken or diagnosis made (i accept that PD dont normally formulate before age of 16-18 yrs old)

how is it that the Pdocs and T's accept that depression, and anxiety are classic MH symptoms but that PD is not recognised as a classic MH symptom?

BPD is more severe in its effects than depression and anxiety

i wasnt diagnosed until i was in my mid 40s but i had developed symptoms long before i had gone thro my teens

its an awful long time to be ill and have no support for

[axl_rose]

i have been seeing pshyciatrists since i was bout 4 or 5 i became more seriouselly ill bout 7 got a diagnosis at 17 and have been dxed with lots of different illnesses i think my bpd dx i was bout 25 yrs old

[wordsmithy]

i remember the first time someone abandoned me... although it happened when i was born anyway... was when i was 5. i've always felt like i have to fit in even if i dont, i have to get people to like me

thats the roots i have grown from. to change from that via therapy is near, near impossible.

[krazykaz]

Ive been diagnosed with depression. Also anxiety in the past. Its been on/off for 12 years, Im 29 now & I just know theres more to it!! If I was just depressed anti'ds & thearapy would have worked by now surely! Its probably partly my fault cause theres some things I dont tell them, too scared incase I sound really crazy & they lock me up & take away my children! Ive seriously had enough now though I need to be honest or Il never feel better! Was just at the docs last week & started a different med & she's referred me to a psychiatrist..theres a big waiting list apparantly, so who knows how much longer Il have to live with my major mood swings, highs & lows, ups & downs..& back again, ridiculous thoughts, wanting to die but wanting to live, wanting to run away & start afresh as someone new, wanting to hurt myself so someone notices me....I could go on!! How much longer do my partner & family have to wonder which 'me' theyre going to get today or this minute in time!!..Happy, mega hyper, angry, crying, sleepy, motivated...!! I just want to be on a level, theres never a happy medium!! Hopefully soon Il just be 1 me all the time..or most of it atleast...!!x

[Violentsnyper]

I was young when the sexual abuse started - maximum age 8 but not really sure how old. Felt alone and knew it was wrong but didnt know what to do about it.

I remember bawling my eyes out one night as we were due to go visit 'grandpa' and I was desperate not to go! I even remember screaming at my mum I'm not going lying in a fetal position on my bed.

I blocked it out for a while, however I never felt normal... I never had normal friendships. Always felt like an outsider and spent many a lunch time alone.

When I was 12/13, it suddenly came back - I had blocked it out completely! I felt numb, hated myself and started self harming, only in ways where my parents wouldnt notice. Had a massive break down in Year 11 at highschool cos I got kicked out of my friendship group, and again spent most of my time alone, considered dropping out of school.

Then had a major depressive episode about 2.5 years ago when my grandfather passed away... ended up breaking down and hiding myself under a desk at one stage. I was confused as there were so many positive reports about him when I knew he was a bad man but then I was unsure of whether I was making it up or not. Thats when I went for help and went on antidepressants which helped for a while... then they werent helping and I was in my first long term relationship and my moods were severely affecting me and my partners bond. So I asked to see a pyschiatrist.

Got diagnosed as BPD... onto mood stabilisers.

[Ocean Wolf]

Was odd for as long as I can remember.

Abuse started (or was noticeable) at 8.

Friend problems started (or were noticeable) at 10. Same with dissociation.

Went noticeably dark at 11 (if anyone knows what that means).

Voices became noticeable at 15, depression soon after, then I got really fucked up.