My Skin Is Crawling

[chealsea]

I know alot of people must feel like this, but i just want to feel clean. Even when i have had a bath i still can't feel clean. I want to wash my mouth out with soap and water just to feel clean. i feel like my skin is crawling and i don't know why. I want to peel layers of skin off to make it fresher. I feel like my insides are filthy and disgusting. I want to cut my belly away just to feel clean. this sounds digusting but everytime i go to the toilet i have to wash myself and i get sore which affects things with hubby. I hate to be touched and can only be touched when i have had loads to drink. I just want to cry when i am being touched and the sick thing is i think of something horrible happening to me so i can cope with it. I love my husband to bits but the when i am touched i don't like it. I want to rip all of my insides out to cleanse them. When i used to self harm it used to help as it would get it out but i promised not to do it anymore and it is really hard. I used to harm to get the fat out too. When i eat i feel digustingly dirty and want to bath again. I am shaking at the thought of it all. Why did i have to eat, why couldn't i just not eat, i feel so fat and disgusting now. I give into to it. I feel disgusting and look it. I hate the way my body looks and i am constantly looking at other people and i just feel worse. I hate the person i see in the mirror but the mirror never lies. If i put on a lb the crawlies under my skin gets worse. I hate my legs my arms everything. I can only feel better if i can see bones. The fat is just repulsive, makes me feel sick to the stomach. I can't find anything attractive about the human body, it makes me cringe. I want to be out of this body, i don't like it. When i take myself away and am someone else, i am being beaten and hurt, but somehow i like that person better. It so strange can't really explain it.

sorry

[Vorpalblade]

You're really suffering aren't you hunni. There is a DBT skill that maybe might help you.

It's called Radical Acceptance. It's about accepting "something", doesn't mean you have to like it, but if

you can accept it then the pain will go away. It can be used in many situations.

Relate the following to the self-loathing you have of your "dirty self"

Freedom from suffering requires ACCEPTANCE FROM DEEP WITHIN.

It is allowing yourself to go completely with whatever the situation is. Let go of fighting reality.

ACCEPTANCE IS THE ONLY WAY OUT OF HELL WHICH MUST NOT BE INTERPRETED AS APPROVAL OF THE DISTRESSFUL SITUATION

Pain creates suffering only when you refuse to ACCEPT the pain.

Deciding to tolerate the moment is ACCEPTANCE.

ACCEPTANCE is acknowledging what is.

To accept something is not the same as judging it to be good.

By stopping your self from fighting, the rage or anger you feel will dissipate as long as you continue to accept your condition or your faulty perceptions of yourself.

What do you think?

I have used it successfully in various situations. The most important one being related to my abuse.

I now ACCEPT that i was abused.

I don't like that i was abused.

But I don't have that constant PAIN about it.

It is NOT about forgiveness, that is a whole other issue. It;s about saying "yeah, i accept that i ate, i can feel the food in my stomach, but it's ok, it will be digested soon"

[chealsea]

Hi Nicky

Thanks for your reply

what you wrote makes alot of sense. I know i have to accept the way i feel to help but what scares me is i don't know how to do it. I am going to try. Do you have to keep saying it to yourself, and eventually and hopefully one day it will happen. Does it make you stop thinking the way i do or just eases the pain. I am not the brightest of all people i guess. How do you know when it has been accepted if that makes sense. I am not very good at reading and taking things in so takes me a long time to understand words. Sorry for all the questions. thanks for your help. i will keep reading and hopefully i will accept the way i am

thanks again

chealsea

[Vorpalblade]

I am not very good at reading and taking things in

ok, i'm sorry, i may have confused you a little then.

do you have a therapist? or anyone out there who you can talk about this issue with? online is ok but i often feel it is better to voice talk with people...you could call the helpline here even

it's about accepting how you are, accepting that you will never be cleaner than you will be after you have had a bath/shower.

and re. washing after the loo and making self sore, how about buying some babywipes, using those after you have used toilet paper, this will not make you sore.

[Saharah Blue]

chelsea,

(((hug))), I can identify with what you are writing about wanting to bathe to cleanse the bad feeling away. One of the things I have done in the past is to focus on certain areas that don't feel so overwhelming. Like nails and toenails, carefully trimming my cuticles and ex foliating all dead skin on my feet then painting my nails.

Sometimes I will give myself a facial and feel better that my skin as been sloughed off a unacceptable layer. Sometimes I just wax my legs or shave my arms and feel better about it.

Because that is something about myself I actually can transform quickly, taking the focus away from being overwhelmed by the whole. But acceptance is a big part there too. I accept that there is no one quick solution that will fix everything I feel, so accept and redirect my attention to just certain areas I can control.

Sah

[chealsea]

Hi Nicky

Don't be sorry its me, i appreciate you advice alot and it is helping me to understand. I do have a therapist, we have touched on this subject a little bit but cos there is so much else going on i don't know which one to tackle first and then it all gets jumbled up and the hour has gone. I will be mentioning it next time i see her though, cos i feel it is getting to me. I understand the radical acceptance now thank you, just need to change my brain to accept it. Thanks for the babywipe advice i never gave that a thought.

Thank you so much

chealsea

[chealsea]

chelsea,

Hi Saharah

Thanks for your reply. I am going to try and do that, focus on something else, i will probably try and focus more on my dog cos there is nothing about myself i like and then try to accept it. Thanks for your help

chealsea

[Lily-Bee]

I was wondering if you have explored with your T where this might come from??

Why do you think you are dirty?? What I mean is what is it inside you?? Do you feel you are bad person for instance is that what is making you feel dirty or have you been abused and does that make you feel dirty?? Just some thoughts there.

Because I think dealing with the underlaying issue might help you.

Lilly

[Faerielight]

i can so relate to you chealsea.. i feel "poisoned" inside(by my abuse and as a result feel desperate to get the poison out of me, and i suppose thats why i focus my revulsion on my body and my fat.. you read my poem and commented so u know i feel similar.. i want to starve or carvwe the poison out of me, washing isnt enough.

but i am trying to work on the core abuse issues and the emeshment and lack of boundaries i had as a child. did you suffer abuse as a child cos that makes most people feel dirty in some way and focus the pain and anger on their bodies.

.. i am struggling with this too, but therapy and self help will help, the dbd thing nicky is saying sounds really good.. i've bought a book on dbt as there isnt any courses in my area, but it hasnt arrived yet.

big hug, bluebell x

[InnerPeace]

I remove the things from me that washing can't through energy work...

[chealsea]

Hi

Thanks all for your replies, i really appreciate it. I do have a t, i have been trying to talk about it but there is so much. I can't seem to get to it somehow. i feel better when i have had no food. I somehow feel fresher maybe lighter i don't know, but i still want to wash alot so i guess it doesn't stop me feeling dirty releived i guess. I wish i could explain it but i can't. i don't know how to explain things in the way i want it to come out. I guess alot was to do when i was little with the washing and stuff, and i guess thats why i feel the way i do, just cringing at the thought of it all.

thanks again for listening

chealsea