Katherine Posted January 28, 2005 Report Share Posted January 28, 2005 I'm working in therapy with the intense shame I have always felt for having needs for attention, love, care, nurturing, support-- and for having anger and rage and deep deep disappointment when these needs have not been met. It is good to work with this in relationship with my therapist. But I'm also wondering if you people out there can help me? I'm looking at new ways of reaching out for support, and I really need support with this shame issue... So, has anyone faced their shame, and pain at feeling ashamed....???? How did you work with it? What was it like? What helped? What didn't help? Thanks in anticipation, lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted January 28, 2005 Report Share Posted January 28, 2005 It worked for me but I think you should lower your expectations slightly. People are not perfect and sometimes they are unable to meet our needs. Expect your friends to fill their roles as friends. You can talk to friends and count on them to an extent but as I said before people are not perfect. Each person in your life is their for a reason whether it is a therapist, teacher, friend, family member and so forth. If you do not expect so much then you will not feel as disappointed that people are unable to fulfill your needs. You may not agree with this but it has helped me loads and it has actually improved my relationships with people. I know who I can truly count on and I will go to them when I need help. I also have a friend who is the most unreliable untrustworthy person you will ever meet. I used to get angry at her and call her a bad friend for blowing me off but I realized that is all I can expect from her and she will never change and I am the only one that is getting pissed off not her. So now she still fucks me around like she did last week by standing me up and instead of calling her and cursing her out which I have done before I thought fuck it and did not call her back. My point is that you have to learn what you can expect from people. Some people have a lot to give and some don't. Its life sad to say! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddypotty Posted January 28, 2005 Report Share Posted January 28, 2005 I wish I could help I really could,I am pretty much wrapped in a blanket of shame,I feel ashamed for being needy,for giving too much to family members in order to win their approval knowing I never will,I think most of I feel most shame for the past,for letting it happen,for not telling and for not being able to let it go. Sorry this probaly didnt help,the only thing I can say is we are not alone,take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 29, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 thanks (((((Lady M)))))and ((((((paddypotty)))))) for your responses. I'm still reflecting on this. What I felt and thought today was how the shame indeed comes from wanting and needing things from my parents (empathy, attuned loving, tenderness, understanding, REAL attention.., clear emotional boundaries...) that they could not give, didn't know how to....wanting things that 'cannot be given', and, as a child I probably couldn't even define what I was needing. And its painful to want and need something from others that is not available-and equally frustrating and guilt - making for them to see and hear a distressed child and not be able to console her. And me as a child would endlessly fall into the abyss of need and invisibility. Their frustration and resentment made its way into my psyche--"How DARE I want something they cannot give!" But as a child you NEED these things for healthy emotional development.... NOW?????? That child is inside me and I've been acting from her unconsciously causing all kinds of difficulties and misunderstandings and reenacting of the shame. What therapy is helping me do is to become conscious and so I can hopefully moderate this child self's appearance, hear her, be compassionate towards her, not rejecting. And I don't need to be quite so ashamed now, because actually people around me are actually supporting my real needs immensely--for empathy, contact, real understanding, validation and recognition. And they give it freely without resentment or anger... Of course this is not ALL the picture, but its a significant part. And I'm wondering how others relate to what I've written? lorna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddypotty Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 Personally speaking,I think you are very courageous,you tackle topics that scare me rigid,I think you are exploring your hurt and I admire your courage. I often read and see postings about inner child,whilst I can relate to this for other people I cant do it with myself,Ive gotten the books and tried but all I ever feel is an intense anger with myself.I congratulate you for having the courage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy Posted January 29, 2005 Report Share Posted January 29, 2005 My therapist suggests (and had me do homework) nurturing my inner child. When I make a mistake, for example, to remind myself its okay to make a mistake. Remind myself I am loved. To react to my inner child like I didn't get, instead of feeling negative about myself. I may not be explaining myself very well. My therapist says I am full of shame, that its like a shadow that follows me everywhere. We are working on this. Seems like I am always saying "We are working on this". We are working on so many things, its such a steep hill to wellness. Amy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 30, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 30, 2005 (((((((((paddypotty)))))))) (((((((((Amy))))))))) thanks for responding. I am touched at your recognising my courage, pp, it boosts my self esteem It has taken me some years to build a connection with little lora (and the others...) I've had to deal with lots of internalisations of rejection--have had to confront them a lot lately, am still dealing with them, but its a process.... I first got aquainted with the idea of the inner child back in 1996 when I had 6 sessions with a counsellor and she leant me a book about it. (It was also then, age 26 that I knew for the first time that my family was dysfunctional.) I did a littlw work then, but then left it for years because I just wasn't strong enough inside to face the pain. Undoing dissociative defences to become more conscious needs to be a slow gentle process and carried out with great care. pp, I am wondering what the anger is about? was there a lot of anger around when you were a child? or, who are you angry at now? to be able to relate to others' 'little ones' is surely a first step. if you need to know Her, she'll speak to you when you are ready... Amy, my t never gives me homework, I just have to create my own! But, seriously, I agree how much shame is a shadow, that is a very evocative way of describing it.... Can the shadow of shame be shaken off? Or, rather, is it that tears wash it away, cleansing the toxins and heartache and shrinking inside. And then it is in anger that has a firey flame that with its sense of justice and what is right torches through the inward ache to the yearnings of the real assertive person inside and burns the shell of shame away and like a phoenix, our real selves shall rise so we grow to our full height as adults who have a right to live in the world of real earth and strong love, not a world of aching dreams and nightmare tangles of nothingness.... SHAME DENIES OUR RIGHTS TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!! k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddypotty Posted January 31, 2005 Report Share Posted January 31, 2005 There was a lot of anger about in my childhood and teenage years,I sort of swallowed my anger at stuff,tried to win affection by being hypernice-didnt work! Think I am too angry with myself to even acknowledge an inner child,I did see a therapist ,but I found it was a question of o.k spill your gurs,pour out your soul to me,I did some of that and then was basically told I had to let it go.I couldnt needless to say.I hope to go to stay in a therapeutic community next year,hopefully Ill get my courage to deal with this. Again I just want to say that you are incredibly brave,I hope you come out of therapy feeling more at ease with yourself.Take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted January 31, 2005 Author Report Share Posted January 31, 2005 (((((((paddypotty))))))) I did the hyper nice thing....it worked-for them, but not for me because I have oceans and volvcanoes of anger inside of me... Perhaps you might benefit from a different therapist/therapy approach. Its not really possible, I don't think, to 'let it all go'. We need to know that our anger is acceptable and won't 'destroy' or alienate another---anger is very often justified. If you get to the therapeutic community, that sounds good, some safe time and space to be with yourself. love, k. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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