...........whatever

[Lance]

The last few days have been so extremely dark for me. I'm not going to go into any details as I spilled my emotions last night but the thread was hidden by staff (which was a good decision really). I'm still upset at the fact I can't talk about what's really bothering me because it would cause so much shit. I knew that would be the case. Even on a forum as open as this, there's still limits and unfortunately, my problems cross the line. I did however, make a backup of the topic so if anybody chooses to know more, let me know personally. I realize now that it's not something that should be posted for all to see. Thanks InnerPeace once again for the lifeline. I owe you so much.

I'm going to have a think about perhaps breaking down the things I said in that thread and get rid of everything that could cause a stir. I hate having to keep it all in. I could perhaps post little parts. Ahhh I don't know. I always seem to get advised to have 1-on-1 talks. I guess my problems just aren't ment for group discussion at all Feeling kinda stuck right now.

No. I think I'll do the right thing and withhold this from everybody. It has no place here. Damn it, I'm rambling again already

Incase you're wondering what the point of this topic is, I actually wanted to tell you that I've finally arranged to talk to somebody professional. I'm meeting her on Monday and we're driving out to the countryside (my choice). This is the first time I've ever contacted somebody and I am so frigging nervous. She told me that she has to bring somebody else with her, I guess for security reasons. That REALLY made me nervous. I now have to worry about the reactions of 2 people face to face. I've been trying so hard not to think about it but I give in. It's really making me anxious. I'm going to be in a car with 2 women who are older than me talking about my sick shit. Godddd... I don't think I can do it. Seriously, it's too much for a first time. But I guess any situtation would be hard for me, just ask anybody that knows me.

I'm not going to ask you for suggestions as you don't know the things I'll have to say. But I just wanted to let you know that I found it in myself to take the first step, if that means anything to you. I wish I was 6 again.

Peace, Lance

[kib0ne]

Lance it must have taken a lot of courage to post what you did and also to arrange this meeting with a professional. Do you know how you can manage your anxiety around Monday? Can you draw on what it was that gave you the courage to make that post and arranging the meeting?

[Lance]

Hey kib0ne.

I wouldn't call it courage. It was more like complete lack of feeling and emotions. I was pretty much braindead at the time I typed it up. I was paralyzed in my chair until 7 in the morning. Really, really low point for me. As for the phonecall, the reason I made it was because I emailed them first and got to know her behind the safety of my keyboard. I couldn't have done it if I didn't talk to them prior the call. So that's why I did. I'm doing this for those around me rather than myself. I'm hating this feeling I'm getting from it...

I'll reply to your PM shortly, kib0ne. Thanks for the reply

Peace, Lance

[Marchmadness]

Lance -

That did take alot of courage on your part. Don't put that fact down, even

just talking about it behind your keyboard is a major step. So good for you.

I can hear how anxious you are about the meeting, maybe take a print out

of what you had written here as a starting platform. It may help keep you

focused. We are here for you if and when you want to talk. Take care -

Marchmadness

[Lance]

Thanks March...

I guess you've read the thread being staff and all. I thought about taking my poems as prints too. I find it so much easier typing about stuff than physicaly saying it. I'd probably just be sick if I tried to speak. Do you think they would find it weird if I wrote down what I want to say first and let them read it? I would be sat next to them and I don't mind answering questions. But I just wouldn't be able to start by speaking. They keep telling me how open they are to doing it however I want. But I still worry about coming accross as plain weird. Heh...like that's my biggest problem anyway. I don't know.

Peace, Lance

[Kay]

Im proud of you Lance. You have taken a huge step in your healing process. You said you are afraid of seeing the look on there face. What is you wrote everything down, put it in an envelope, one for each. Then you can give them those and maybe walk off a little ways. Then they can open them and call you back after that. Just a suggestion.

[Marchmadness]

Lance -

I don't think you will come across as weird if you wrote it down. But don't

be taken back if they want you to read it to them. A therapist can get a

different feel about things if it is you reading it. You know the tone, flexion

thing. But yeah go for it and have it written down. Just to let you know

Lance when I started with my therapist the only way I could start a session

with her was with something that I had written down.

Marchmadness

[Lance]

Thanks a lot you two. You're giving me some good ideas here. March, that really helps to know you did the same thing. I think I will write a few things out, even if I have to read them myself, at least I'll know what I'm going to say before I open my mouth and stutter. Thanks guys.

Peace, Lance

[kib0ne]

I don't think you will come across as weird if you wrote it down.

Me three, the professionals' focus should be on making their support accessible and the countryside isn't a typical venue for a meeting but they're going with that. So it sounds like that is their focus, they're understanding and they probably won't receive written communication as far out; people communicate in all sorts of different ways, some people use images. I'm pleased you've identified a way to remove some of the anxiety from this situation.

[InnerPeace]

Hi Lance, I'm glad to have been able to help

Everyone has given you good advice already and people do write things down first to help them, I find it easier to read from something already written.

I appreciate your concerns about telling two people but I think having two people there who will make you feel doubly accepted and understood.

I'm really pleased you're taking this step, it's great xx

[Lance]

I feel so sick. I haven't eaten anything in 3 days because I'm so worried about everything. I don't want to do this. Nobody should know this stuff. I'm trying so hard to get something written down, but I'm still left with a blank page and a dried out pen. I'm too young for all this. I DON'T WANT IT. My mum doesn't know any details at all and when she finds out, she's going to be so fucking heartbroken and will start blaming herself and everybody she's been with. I don't want that to happen but it will, that's how things go. :( :( I just can't get in a possitive mind for this, it's too complex and too many directions it could go. There may be as many good points as bad but there's so many of each. It's like a thousand games of tug-of-war running through my head at the same time, all battling like crazy. I tell people then I regret it then I tell people again and I regret it again. I've involved too many people and now I have to worry about keeping everybody informed and shit. It's taken over everything. I'm going to stop now before I say anything block-worthy.

[InnerPeace]

Lance, I'm sorry you're really struggling with this...maybe it's time to take a break and do something totally unrelated and which you enjoy. Not eating for so long makes everything else harder to deal with.

How about taking what you have written already?

With respect to your Mum knowing, how would she? The people you've arranged to see are professional and would never disclose what you say to her.

[Tray]

i also agree with the other, writing it down and giving it to them, maybe explain at the top how distressing you find it to talk, but are willing to answer questions after. if you are struggling to write it down, can you print off any of the posts from on here? and give them instead, explaining that?

as for anyone finding out, its up to YOU who you tell, ur mom, family ect will not find out other than if you tell them, maybe you should stop thinking that far in front? it may be better to start therapy, get sum help first, and ask them their advice on how to tell ur mom. i think at the end ot the day, ur \family esp your brother, will be very supportive and proud that you have gotten help, they will still love you the same, but for now, concentrate on the first step...

take care mate

[Lance]

Thanks both of you. Yeah I think I'm going to read through my posts here and pick out the most important parts. I've been really busy all day today which has taken my mind off it all. I've been helping my bro move all his things into his new house. Nothing like some heavy physical work to forget your worries.

However, now I'm home and alone again, it's all coming back straight away. Just when I thought I would have a good night too. Loneliness sucks I'm just trying to relax and unwind. Kick back in my chair with some headphones and see where my mind takes me. I've got another busy day tomorrow too so I need to be in a good state of mind.

Thanks for your interest everybody. I appreciate it.

Peace, Lance