:(

[BubbleGum]

I'm an Indian girl born and bred in the UK.

When I was young my uncle locked me in a wardrobe in the basement. The basement was so dark. Also him, my older brothers and sisters used to scare me with monster costumes (think thats why I'm such a wimp, scared of the dark, etc). They used to pick on me calling me black because I used to play out a lot and would come home really dark. My mum couldn't do anything because we all lived in one house with my other relatives so she'd always end up in the kitchen or wherever..

When I reached my teenage years my dad never trusted me. And because I began wearing make up he'd get paranoid thinking I'm dating guys which I didn't do. I got beat up and threaten to kill me lots and that he can get away with murder as he puts corpses in black bags??? All because he'd see me going out to town or go for walks with my friends and I'd have make up on.

I also got beat up over other things like i should do what he wants me do at college.

I bought a mobile phone behind my parents back cus all my friends had one (was 17 at the time and was doing my a levels). My mum found out but said it's ok and i should let everyone know i have one. I believed my mum but I shouldn't have cus later on my dad took it off me. They then told me a month later that i should go on holiday to India with my little sister and come back with my older sister (she was in India at the time) after two weeks. I said ok. I then bought another phone and hid it so i could stay in contact with my friends (fat lot that did got no reception there).

After that first week in India my dad flew over to India and said my sisters are going back but i have to stay in India forever!!! It was an isolated village surrounded by farmlands. After my sisters left my dad did not let me speak to my family in England for two months. He mentally abused me saying I'm worthless. He tried to hit me but my aunties in India would stop him. My mum then flew out to India and she treat me like shit. Both my parents have a high reputation there and thats all they seem to care about!!! My mum said i could come back to the uk if i became holy-ish? Like pray etc. i wanted to say why the fuck should I when you and dad are both the devils, they pray and stuff but torturing their own kids isn't allowed. But I didn't say anything other than "Ok". After spending 3 months my mum decided to take me back to the UK. Throughout the journey to the airport in Delhi my dad used to test me by throwing water on me while i was asleep. I got up moaning and then he'd come out with crap like "Ahh you see she hasn't changed, fuck it she's staying here!". But my mum said nah.

When I got back to the UK, all my western clothes were thrown out along with my music cds etc. I tried to run away but came back because i didn't want to hurt my mum.

My college had kicked me out because I was way behind. I stayed at home and got really depressed. My mum used to tell my friends to get lost when they'd come to see me so i didn't have any friends. My big brother then told me that my whole family had set up the India thing.

My mum took me to the doctors so that he could just chuck some pills at me and bingo I'd be cheerful! Ha! Turns out I lost lots of weight and doctor told my mum to leave the room so he could talk to me in private. I told him everything. He then later told my mum that I should fulfill my dreams so I said I want to do a beauty course. So I did. Mum said i have to come straight home from college, they'll pick me up. She took a copy of my timetable. For two and a half years I stayed at college. I enjoyed it but no one in the class used to talk to me. i was the only asian there. Maybe cus I used to sit on my own in the corner as I didn't want to be in anyones way? Why would anyone want to know me?

In my 2nd year my tutor always picked on me. I'd always wonder what i did wrong. I'd always do my assignments on time. Put my head down and study. She's nit pick. so i then started skipping classes as I didn't want to face her. I did manage to finish my 2nd year but not my 3rd....

In my 3rd I found someone I could talk to about my problems. But he was a white guy from a town near me. I used to meet up with him late at night. I'd sneak out. He was great and I fell for him.

On my 21st birthday my whole family went through a lot of trouble for my birthday which is weird. They never do it..

Next day i went to see that guy and when I turned the corner to go onto the next street my dad was there. He was waiting. Next thing i knew I was surrounded my brother in laws and dad, they grabbed me and threw me in the car. I screamed for help, people were there but did nothing. My dad beat the hell out me in the car, worse than ever. He'd repeatedly bash my head off the dash board. They parked up in the alley and dragged me into my house by my hair i screamed for help again. I saw people looking through their windows but did nothing????! (i lived in an indian/pakistani area). They watched but did nothing. My dad then beat me up some more. Kicked, punched and alsorts He said he would kill me for honour... My whole family ganged up on me and gave me so much crap..

Next day I managed to run away. I had no where to go so i ran to college. My sister went to college and told my teacher that I'm not allowed to collect any of my stuff from home). The police came and teachers were saying i should press charges but I didn't. Still respected my dad. i went home with the police to collect my things but my whole room had been emptied out. so i was left with nothing.

I then left to live with this white guy and he re bought essentials for me, he isn't rich cus he's a uni student.. After a few months I contacted my mum. She said she was sorry. I met up with her and she was nice. But now she is worming her way in to try make me leave him and come home.

It has nearly been a year since I left home. But things are getting worse. she rings me up and puts me down by saying things like I can't get a job (I'm looking for a job but no one seems to want to hire me). and seems like she never really was sorry for what happened to me. She says things like "Well you shouldn't have met up with him then maybe you wouldn't have got beat up". She has high blood pressure so she uses that to make me feel guilty. Like when I don't answer the phone she says she gets worried and then gets more ill.

I thought my life would get better but she is depressing the hell out of me. She is trying to run my life. she rings up saying "Don't hold his hand in public, people that know us start talking. (Remember she cares too much about what others think) I do not know what i want to do anymore. I have no friends. No confidence. Feel so lonely. Depressed. For few days i not spoken to her. I have ignored her calls. But i can't ignore her forever. Scared what if something does happen to her and it will be my fault but then if i do pick up the phone she will put me down again.

Sorry i know that was so long. I have tried to post this before on other forums but always chickened out and end up deleting it.

[Dreamer]

I am so sorry hun you have had to go through that! It's horrible! I have no advice and don't know what to say, but it sounds like you have done the right thing by leaving. It is not safe for you around your father. I would maybe suggest trying to look up any local people in the area you are in to try to find help? Try not to let your mom make you feel guilty sweetie, I know it's very difficult as my mother and I do not speak, I had to cut all ties I had with her because she was always putting me down or being mean to me. I hope you can find help and wish you the best.

[dolita]

hey, wow, that sounds like a really tough situation. i know how hard it is when you still have a connection to your parents, but the situation is hard - i do really love my mum but i just can't talk to her, and it's so hard cos your feelings are all mixed up.but if your father is violent, it is probably best you're not there.

i wish i knew what to advise you...are you happier since you left home? have you talked to your gp about how you're feeling?

[Nightvision]

My gut feeling is that it would be dangerous for you to return home. You are a young asian woman at risk of domestic violence, and at worst even an honour killing. You need specialist support and there are bodies that exist to help young women like yourself. Please have a look at the links I'm about to post and make contact with someone in your area. It's scary making the first step, but I know you can do it. Women's aid are particularly good.

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/landing_page.a...001000100130021

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Resources/helplines.htm

http://www.forcedmarriage.nhs.uk/ethnicsupport.asp

http://www.eastoxford.com/projects/awh.htm

[Hopeless]

Im really sorry that happened to you :bigarmhug[1]:

[BubbleGum]

I have visited home a few times. My mum and sisters first said they'll make sure I don't have to see him. But then they lied again. I ended up seeing him and had to end up sittin with my whole family while he was going on about how important it is to stay close to your parents blah blah. i kinda had a panic attack afterwards because I was so scared. My family said i was overreacting.

I am a little happier now I've left home. But my mum rings up trying to control my life. I want to stop all contact but afraid something might happen to her and it will be all my fault.

I haven't been to the GP yet as I'm quite frightened. And what if the GP gets bored or something.

Nightvision. Thank you for the link. I have saved it and when I've plucked up the courage, i will ring. Eeek!

[drew]

hey

firstly i would say never go back home u are an adult and i think deep down u know that u can do all these things people tell u u ,cant

perhaps a self esteem course would help you

you have been through alot which was nt your fault and unfortuntly u can t change

you have to try to except this has happen to u and move forward to better things

i wish u all the best x

[BubbleGum]

hey

firstly i would say never go back home u are an adult and i think deep down u know that u can do all these things people tell u u ,cant

perhaps a self esteem course would help you

you have been through alot which was nt your fault and unfortuntly u can t change

you have to try to except this has happen to u and move forward to better things

i wish u all the best x

Thank you. i wish i could move on but my mum is kind of making it difficult for me.

I know I have self esteem issues.

I can't help but hate people in general, can't trust them. One minute I'm ok the next I'm not. I feel like I can do so much with my life as I'm only 21. I set small goals but then end up not doing it. And for some reason I just want to be on my own a lot. Confused overall.

[drew]

hey why not see if they have this course in your area

it will be with people who also have self esteem issues

normally small groups too

[Warrior Princess]

If something happens to your mum it will not be your fault. I know it must be really tough facing all that and you are right... they are not 'holy' themselves. They are abusive.

Have you sought any therapy for all of this? Abuse will leave scars on you that have to be healed in order that you can let go of the control. You have done extremely well so far in getting away from the abusive situation. Don't let anyone guilt trip you into going back.

This whole "honor killing" thing is a bunch of crap. What honor is there in killing another human being just because they arn't doing what you want them to? There is no such thing. There is no honor in treating a person abusively to control them either. I'm glad that you seem to see through all that.

Please do what you can to remain safe and try not to let your mother put the guilt on you. it's not your fault that she has a blood pressure problem and if it elevates because you don't answer the phone, that too is not your fault. She's brought that situation on herself. you've don'e nothing wrong, you're just trying to protect yourself and good on you for that.

Paine.

[kib0ne]

OMG f**k that s**t, cut them all loose, you'll do better on your own! It won't be your fault if something happens to her; she's just trying to manipulate you! Change your phone number. I'm not normally this direct, but I had all this off my family and we deserve better. Did you move far from home?

[BubbleGum]

I haven't moved too far from home. Maybe 45 minutes away on the train.

Yeah, whenever I pick up the newspaper and read about these so called honor killings it really pisses me off!!!

Something else i have to deal with is walking past Asian areas with my boyfriend, I get so much abuse from them while i walk past them. It's getting to a point where I'd love to punch them!!!!

[kib0ne]

I haven't moved too far from home. Maybe 45 minutes away on the train.

Yeah, whenever I pick up the newspaper and read about these so called honor killings it really pisses me off!!!

Something else i have to deal with is walking past Asian areas with my boyfriend, I get so much abuse from them while i walk past them. It's getting to a point where I'd love to punch them!!!!

Eep, why don't you think about moving somewhere a bit further? Where there are less nobheads, I wouldn't recommend here though; they're ten a penny.

[BubbleGum]

Wish I could move somewhere nice but have no money and no job (currently looking for one but no one wants to hire me GRRRRR)

[kib0ne]

Wish I could move somewhere nice but have no money and no job (currently looking for one but no one wants to hire me GRRRRR)

The world is your oyster! You could just pick a place and apply to be on the council housing list there and you'd get more points because of the situation with your family, claim benefits and all that jazz. I know I make it sound easy, and there's waiting lists and such buuuuuuuuuuuuuut.