Blank

[SuperTues]

I feel really blank today. There's just nothing in me; the hurt, the anger, it's all gone but I don't know where. I know it's still in there but I just can't feel it, or anything. I guess I feel lost? Or subdued? Dejected? I don't know...

I feel like I've been defeated but I don't know what by. Part of me just wants to fade into nothing. If I slit my wrists tonight everyone would be surprised but I'd just be able to, I don't know, breathe out? Does anyone get what I mean? Part of me doesn't care if I live but the bigger part of me can't see a future, even though I could have a great one, I'd rather just go silently. No one would know, I probably wouldn't be found for days...

I think I preferred it when I knew I wanted to die, now I just don't want anything

[NickyP]

sounds to me like you are a bit dissociated, can i recommend the following..

Try to ground yourself by trying any one of the techniques listed below. Once you have found techniques that work for you type them up and print them out and keep them handy to ensure you'll use them when you need them:

Pull up the daily newspaper on your browser. Notice the date and read a current article.

Stomp your feet to remind yourself where you are. Press your feet firmly into the ground.

Try to notice where you are, your surroundings including the people, the sounds like the t.v. or radio.

Concentrate on your breathing. Take a deep cleansing breath from your diaphragm. Count the breaths as you exhale. Make sure you breath slowly so you don't hyperventilate.

Cross your legs and arms. Feel the sensations of you controlling your body.

Call a friend and ask them to talk with you about something you have recently done together.

Take a warm relaxing bubble bath or a warm shower. Feel the water touching your body.

Mentally remind yourself that the memory was then, and it is over. Give yourself permission to not think about it right now.

Keep a rubberband on your wrist and pluck it -- feel the slight sting as it touches your skin.

Realize that no matter how small you feel, you are an adult. If you have kids think about them now.

Find your pulse on your wrist and count the beats per minute. Concentrate on feeling the blood pulse throughout your body.

Go outside and sit against a tree. Feel the bark pressing against your body. Smell the outside aromas like the grass and the leaves. Run your fingers through the grass.

If you are sitting, stand. If you are standing sit. Pay attention to the movement change. Reminding yourself -- you are in control.

Rub your palms, clap your hands. Listen to the sounds. Feel the sensation.

Speak out loud. Say your name, or your childs name or significant others name.

Hold something that you find comforting, for some it may be a stuffed animal or a blanket. Notice how it feels in your hands. Is it hard or soft?

Eat something. How does it taste, sweet or sour? Is it warm or cold?

If you have a pet (a dog, cat, hamster, gerbil) use that moment to touch them. Feel their fur and speak the animals name out loud.

Go to a mirror and make yourself smile. Watch your reflection as the expression changes. How does it make you feel.

Visualize a bright red STOP sign to help you stop the flashback and/or memory

Step outside. If it's warm, feel the sun shining down on your face. If it's cold, feel the breeze. How does it make your body feel?

During a non-crisis time make a list of things that are in your house and what room they are in. Give this list to friends that you can call during a flashback so they can help remind you what is around you.

During a non-crisis time make a list of positive affirmations. Print them out and keep them handy for when you are having a flashback. During a flashback read the list out loud.

Take a walk outside and notice your neighborhood. Pay attention to houses and count them.

Listen to familiar music and sing along to it. Dance to it.

Make a list of known triggers and give it to your therapist. Ask them if they can help you find a way to desensitize those triggers so they aren't quite so powerful.

Write in your journal. Pay attention to yourself holding the pencil. Write about what you are remembering and visualize the memory traveling out of you into the pencil and onto the paper. Tear the paper up or seal it in an envelope. Give it to your therapist for safekeeping.

Go online and talk with an online friend. Write an email.

Imagine yourself in a safe place. Feel the safety and know it.

Watch a favorite t.v. program or video. Play a video game.

If you have a garden, work in it. Feel your hands running through the dirt.

Wash dishes or clean your house.

Meditate if you are comfortable with it.

Exercise. Ride a bike, stationary or otherwise. Lift weights. Do jumping jacks.

[SuperTues]

I kept seeing the word dissociated about and didn't realise what it was. So this is it, huh. Well thank you for your recommendations Nicky.

What is this feeling for though? Why is it here? What is it's purpose?

[NickyP]

dissociation is a protective thing that the brain does. an example would be if you were going through a traumatic event your brain would "zone you out" so you felt like you weren't there in spirit, thus keeping you mentally safe. There are of course varying degrees to this.

the above techniques will bring you out of dissociation because of course it isn't ideal state to be in most of the time

[SuperTues]

No it's not, it doesn't help right now. I'm sat at work, I've only done one thing all day. I can't bring myself to do anything else right now. I just feel so blank. Like I'm not real.

I've got a box of extra-strength Ibuprofen on my desk. I'm really tempted to take them all and then I'll just pass out, in the middle of the office. It'd cause a fuss but at least then I wouldn't have to make a decision about my life, my parents would just demand I go home to them so they can look after me

[NickyP]

You probably won't pass out actually, you'll just start to throw up...not much fun bent over loo for rest of day :)

[SuperTues]

Can you not overdose of Ibuprofen?

[NickyP]

you can overdose on anything, even vitamins.

[SuperTues]

That I think would be odd. What killed her? Touch much Vitamin C...

I just think I'd like to die now and not have to face anyone or anything. Don't want to have to move and get a job, don't want to see R to give him his stuff back, don't want any of it. No more

[InnerPeace]

Don't want to have to move and get a job, don't want to see R to give him his stuff back, don't want any of it. No more

What is that feels so hard about doing those things?

[SuperTues]

I moved to Reading 18months ago for a job. My boy followed me 6 months later. 6 months after that we split (my choice) and my two friends down here chose to stop being my friends. I started seeing a new boy but last month he ended it.

I have to see R to give him his stuff back, and I don't want that. Becuase then it really is over. You see R was going to be my saviour. I was going to move to Kent to be with him and get a new job. But that's all gone now.

I'm very isolated down here and I can't really afford to continue living down here. But I don't have anywhere to go, nowhere that I belong. I don't want to have to go through all the job hunting, flat hunting shit cos who's going to hire me when I'm like this? I don't have the energy. I just want it all to stop and go away

[InnerPeace]

That does seem really hard. Perhaps it would help to break things down to manageable size chunks rather than tackling it all at once. I feel like I want things to go away when I feel I can't cope with them so I find a way of ensuring I can cope.

What gives me energy is feeling like the change I'm making is positive and that I can handle it...that's where affirmations come in for me and may help you too. Rather than focus on what you think might go wrong, can you think of any benefits, there must be some?

The two friends who stopped being your friends couldn't have been real friends and therefore you're better off without them. It means you can meet new friends.

Giving R his things back may mean the end of the relationship but it was your choice to end it and that must have been for a reason. Having the remaining ties cut will free you to meet someone else and have the opportunity of a better relationship.

Nicky has talked about how it is possible to have had problems but still be able to get a good job and I know people who have done that successfully too.

[SuperTues]

R wasn't the boy I split with, he split with me

The boy I split with is L and he's still there as support for me but I'm not in love with him anymore. I wish I was sometimes.

I don't think I can break it into pieces because if I leave Reading I need a new job and a new house. I don't want to stay in Reading because of bad memories and complete isolation.

My problem is I don't know where to move to so I can't start looking for a place until I have a job. But my time is quickly running out - I have to move out in April so I need to have made these really BIG life decisions all at once, and all I want to do is slide away where no one can find me, no one can hurt me.

I've just bought some razor blades. I was only going to look to see if they still sold them, you know, the old fashioned ones and they did, and I just couldn't help it. Before I knew what I was doing I was buying a smoothie, flap jack and 10 razor blades...

[InnerPeace]

Ok...so the job needs to come first.

Are there any areas you know are nice but affordable so you can look for a job there? Or simply look for jobs in the wider area and see what comes up.

Have you contacted agencies...need someone helping you to find work.

[SuperTues]

See if I choose to move back up North, then the cost of living would be a LOT cheaper than it is down here. I can't really afford it down here but I'm scared that I'll regret leaving the job I have. I've found a couple of agencies to join but I need to re-do my CV before I can do that.

I have been thinking about taking a month out and going to Thailand to meditate but I need to sort everything else out first. It's all so frustrating :angry:

[kitcat4192]

Wow to find someone who feels exactly like I feel most of the time is a great relief. I have a job at the moment but have no energy to do it. Most of the day I can't work up the energy to do anything. After splitting with my ex I moved back home and then to London and then home again and I barely feel like I fit everywhere I go I feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I go through horrible stages where I feel really angry for a while and frustrated then other times I am emotional and will cry at anything and at the moment I feel nothing. Inside I feel completely empty and blank and dead. I have no energy to do anything and as the weekends roll around I'm uninspired as life feels like this rolling circle where mostly everything is just shit. I dont have a lot of close friends back home though I have a lovely boyfriend who finds my shit frustrating though I dont blame him. Most of the time everything feels like such an effort as its all so pointless. I too have a razor blade which I carry around in my wallet should the need ever arise it's not the best idea but I know what you mean.

You begin to wonder what the point is. I could be in a room full of people and still feel alone.

I don't really have any advice to be honest this is more to let you know there are people out there who feel as you do and that you're not alone.

Hugs

[SuperTues]

Hey Kit

That definitely makes a difference, knowing I'm not the only one. Being like this sucks...

[kitcat4192]

I absolutely hate it because it means everything feels like a waste of time which depresses me more especially as I dont know any people outside of this who suffer with it and its not the sort of conversation ice breaker for most people Alot of the time I feel like a vessel just floating along and I'm waiting for someone to come along and call me a fake that I'm not a real person underneath I am nothing just all skin and bone no personality or anything.

[SuperTues]

I absolutely hate it because it means everything feels like a waste of time which depresses me more especially as I dont know any people outside of this who suffer with it and its not the sort of conversation ice breaker for most people Alot of the time I feel like a vessel just floating along and I'm waiting for someone to come along and call me a fake that I'm not a real person underneath I am nothing just all skin and bone no personality or anything.

It's like you opened up my head and put it down on the page! I want to be released from this to be free to do whatever it is I should be doing cos it sure as hell ain't this life!

[kitcat4192]

And normally I'm totally inarticulate the emptiness is the stage I dread the most as I hate it. Everything has less meaning and seems pointless and a waste of time. I feel like I'm drifting but also I feel like I'm chained and can't move and can't be free. Most of the time it feels like I'm in a box. I seem to drift through life not really awake going through all the motions like I really am human.

[SuperTues]

Yeah you feel like the world is rubbish, and living in it is even worse so why bother? Why not just give up now, you know?

It breaks my heart that I can't tell any of the people around me how I feel, none of them know how bad it is no matter how much I tell them. They all think I'm getting better and if I do something to myself, if I make an attempt on my life then maybe they'll all see how bad I am. My parents, my colleagues, my friends, my ex. Maybe then I'd start to see that I'm not alone but I don't know...

[kitcat4192]

It's hard not to feel alone. My ex boyfriend and my ex are the only ones who know about it and I know it would kill my folks if they knew and work people would just freak they already think I'm wierd enough as it is. Have you tried some support groups? I think average people dont get it. You can say you're depressed and they just think your sad it's not like they know deep down inside you're so close to death you can smell it. Most of the time it's hard knowing where to turn. What to do to make it okay. On the one hand I want it all to be over on the other hand Im curious about how more messed up I can get and where it will all end.

[SuperTues]

See I've resigned myself to the fact that I no longer want to see what my future holds because it's not going to get any better. Even if I get better, at some point down the line I'll end up here. In the end we all die so what's the point in waiting for it? I don't want support, I just want it to be over

[kitcat4192]

Today is a relatively upbeat day though I do agree life is a series of pointless motions we go through waiting till we drop off the face and die.

[SuperTues]

I agree, I am feeling a little better now but that's because I got a LOT worse over the weekend

I just want to know if I'll ever see the point in life?