How Much Do You Fear Your Mortality?

[paddypotty]

I guess shit happens,we deal with it or lose the plot,mostly Ive lost the plot.

[paddypotty]

Sorry that sounded really twisted and angry which I am(hangs head),having said that experiences like these shape your opinions so maybe thats why Im not for life at any cost,better life with dignity than life just with a heartbeat and sod all else.

[Ginny]

Well, I have to agree with that... (((paddy)))

[Wisdom]

Ouote: "I have NOT said I want to commit suicide"

Response: I know you didn't.

Quote: "If someone is in pain(for whatever reason) and wants to die to rid themselves of the pain - is that selfish.... I think not."

Response: I repect your opinion.

Quote:"YOU do not know me or my pain - nor can you identify with it"

Response: Your right I can't. I don't know your pain. I'm sorry.

Quote: "People can get very tired of trying..."

Response: I agree......I get so very tired too.

A story:

I was 7 years old and was in the care of my grandmother. While I was playing in her bedroom (locked in as always) she was out in the parlor watching TV as I had thought. She took my grandfather's hunting rifle and shot herself in the head. I heard the gun shot blast but I didn't realize........ When "they" I don't remember who took me out I saw nothing but blood and what appeared to be............ I hated visiting afterwards.....

When I was 10 and my father in Vietnam, I came home from school to find my mother had overdosed on pills. I sat by her bedside all night not knowing what to do. She got thru the night and she thanked me for sitting by her bedside.

When I was 16, I lived with my abusive father and mother, I came home from school and my father had overdosed on valium, librium, and alcohol. For two nights and three days my mother and I sat by his side. She refused to call the ambulance. She was afraid he'd loose his retirement benefits from the Air Force if she called the ambulance. The AF would have discharged him.....

When I was 20, I disected the inside of my wrist during a psychotic episode.

In 1993' I was working "Emergency Services" as part of my professional job as a clinician. I did this one weekend a month and every other Wednesday night. I had gotton a call of a man that was threatening to kill himself in his boat. His family are the ones who made the paniced call to me. I drove to the lake where the police were. When I got there the police reported to me that they were searching for his body as he tied a rope around his waist and the boat motor. He threw the motor and himself overboard. I'm not sure how long they dredged the lake............I didn't stick around.

In 1996', I bought a gun, loaded it, brought my disabled son and I into the wood with the intent of killing us both, chickened out killing him and then put the loaded gun to my head and pulled the trigger. The bullet jammed in the chamber and the barrel and firing pin popped out. I hadn't expected this to happen. It was a brand new gun. Child Protective Services got involved.

In 2004' I had been stocking up on Ambian pills. I saved 360 (don't remember mgs) drove 2 hours away into the woods and swallowed them. I was found not unresponsive/not breathing by a passerby. Drug induced coma for 3 days. Child Protective Services got involved.

I get emotionally charged when I hear suicide is the right of the individual who completes the act. I am sorry to have misunderstood this posting and shouldn't have projected my own 'stuff" onto anyone.

wisdom

[flowergirl]

Wisdom, I don't know what to say, I am sorry if you feel that your opinion didn't count - it did and it does. It just is that we all have them and for various personal reasons they differ.

I understand that you do, and try to understand your pain in getting emotionally charged about such subject matter. You did not project your "stuff", you opinion is valued greatly.

Thank you for sharing - sorry for your pain

Flower x

[LadyMacbeth]

Flower and Paddy, our conflicting opinion on suicide is just as worthy as your opinions. We do not believe in suicide but you are making it seem as if Wisdom is attacking you. I think it is quite noble of Wisdom to expressing her honest opinion on this matter especially since she has been through hell and back in her life and is still fighting for life. Now that takes courage and I admire that.

[Ginny]

I do not agree that Wisdom is attacking anyone. It appears to me that her postings on this thread are generated by personal experience. I cannot condemn you for this, Wisdom. I am deeply saddened by your losses and what you have been through... I am glad you took the time to be so rational and obviously thought about what you were saying before you posted.... I am very sorry for your experiences Wisdom, and can understand why you were so emotionally charged about what I had to say... ((((((((Wisdom)))))))

Thankyou for explaining your true feelings... I appreciate it. I am glad that you voiced this because I was having trouble with the way you were so against the act of suicide. I can now truly understand why you said what you did. Please, let's agree that suicide is a terrible thing - but still remains an active choice of the person involved...??

I respect you, Wisdom, thankyou for respecting my words and I am always here to listen to yours....

Ginny :wub:

[beckiboo]

The one thing that stops me swallowing a bottle of pills is the guilt of all my debts my mum would have to pay if i died.

Life insurance doesnt cover suicide....

Has anyone else ever felt that they havent got a future?

Ever since I was an early teen, I've never imagined getting married, or having kids or anything like that. I just cant see what I'll be doing in the future, or what I'd like to be doing.

The only reason I chose to do a degree in Business is because ppl always told me they could see me as a business woman!

I've always thought I'd die in my early 20's, either in an accident, or suicide or something like that.

[LadyMacbeth]

Beckiboo,

I can't see the future either. I thought I would die before I entered college and before I went to Spain. I think I may die before a bg even in my life. Not from suicide but from a terminal illness or a car accident or something like that. I am a obsessive thinker and my thoughts keep me from doing things because I am so afraid of dying.

[lostsoul]

(((((((wisdom)))))))

seems as if suicide has been a part of your life at every stage. cannot imagine how awful that is.

i only had one experience of it and that was my mum, but she only kept saying she wanted to kill herself, though to my knowledge, never attempted. and that was hard enough.

so many many hugs to you. im glad u had the strength and confidence to share your story here.

love

lost

xx

[paddypotty]

I have at no time suggested that Wisdom or anybody else was attacking my opinion on suicide.I was simply pointing out last night that personal experiences shape how you feel about such a difficult topic.

I have no problem whatsoever if anybody has a different opinion from me and living in Northern Ireland I have learnt that in order for people to live peacefully we have to accept that everybodies opinion is valid.

Wisdom I am sorry that you have had such horrible experiences,I was in no way trying to upset you or devalue your opinion.

[beckiboo]

I am a obsessive thinker and my thoughts keep me from doing things because I am so afraid of dying.

I'm not afraid of dying as such, although recently its started to worry me more.

I'm an obsessive thinker too, but I hate being left alone with my own thoughts. I turn my music up really loud and sing along which stops me thinking so much.

I lay awake at night dreaming little senarios in my head, like a train crashing into my mum's house and killing my family, or me getting raped or something like that.

It's like i'm trying to upset myself!

[lostsoul]

beckiboo i do that too - run through horrible scenarios. do u suffer with depression i read that the later stages of it can make u do that.

lol

[beckiboo]

I dont think I suffer from depression. Not properly anyway.

I have times when I'm 'down', I hate my life, my situation etc and I think of suicide, but compared to other people and what I imagine 'proper' depression to be- I wouldnt say I suffer with it.

But I will sit there and think these things. I also think about having nasty car crashes when I'm driving. It doesnt worry me, just upsets me.

I also make up stuff to convince myself that boyf is cheating. I'll work myself into a frezy, get really upset and accuse him of stuff. He reasons with me and after a while I can see what I said made no sense.

[lostsoul]

yeah that sounds more ocdish

[LadyMacbeth]

Sounds very much like me. I think I have a touch of ocd too.

[beckiboo]

But I dont do anything to get rid of the thoughts - which i thought was a main thing to OCD.

But I'm OCDish in that I pick. Everything! I'm constantly picking my skin, sometimes I realise I'm doing it- other times I have no idea until someone tells me to stop cos it's annoying

[flowergirl]

LadyM, I feel hurt by your comments aimed at paddypotty and I.

In future I'll not bother giving my opinion.

I never at any time said that other peoples opinion were not as worthy as my own, I never said that Wisdom was attacking me/us.

The whole point of my post was to suggest that we all have differing opinions and that we should all be allowed to have them.

I did already post Wisdom about the topic and about her feelings.

I apologise sincerely for offending/upsetting/demeaning or rejecting anyone else or their opinions.

I consider Wisdom to be a good friend and I hope that she knows this.

I also believe that friendship means accepting each others differences. I admire her ability to be able to express her opinions well. This does not mean I have to change my opinion, just that I accept hers.

Sorry for pissing anyone off.

Flower

[LadyMacbeth]

I do not judge people for their difference of opinions. No one should be attacked for expressing their feelings. I am sorry that you feel my comments were brash they were not intended to be.

LM

[Alexa]

If someone wants to kill themselves, something is seriously wrong. And I don't mean that in the obvious way you all prolly think I mean lol What I mean is either someone isn't doing their job propperly or the person in question isn't getting the help they need and deserve. That's not all i want to say but my mind everywhere today and can't seem to word anything right lol

If someone believes their life genuinly isn't worth living, then they shouldn't be looked down upon (or whatever) for not continuing living their own hell. I know up until fairly recently, if someone committed suicede they were not allowed to be buried...that in my mind was just so wrong!!!!!!!!

I have tried to kill myself, more than once, but am now glad I was stopped because when in that state, a person's mind only has one thought if you know what I mean so they can't see outside of the rut they are in at that moment. Not going to continue coz amtalking out my arse tonight lol

(same as any other night )

[lostsoul]

no that makes perfect sense alex.

xx

[Precious]

Ginny- Its not selfish to keep someone alive. How is that selfish? Pain is apart of life, so your saying everyone who is in pain can go and kill themselves? I dont believe that. My grandmom was in pain from cancer.. and dont you think living the rest of the time you have is important? I do. I hurt now because she died from cancer, if she killed herself that would be more hell. If someone you loved was sick.. you would let them kill themselves? That is selfish I think. Its just what I think...

lots of love,

Ash

[LadyMacbeth]

Ash..you are much like me when it comes to death. I can honestly say if I got cancer I would not know what I would do because the survival chances are slim to none. You can die from anything and that is what is scary...you can go to the doctor tom. and find out you will die in sinx months or you can just be driving and get killed. I am so scared of this I can't fucking live!

[Precious]

Lady- It scares me too. Thinking that any minute could be my time. But you have to try to live all you can and try as hard as you can. My grandmom was a fighter and i love her for that. Everyones opinion is different but death is scary, but isnt suicide scary too? to the ppl around you that have to see you, or know that your dead because you didnt wanna try anymore.. it would hurt me a lot. Death all together is sad, but we all have to wait till God sais its our time, not when we say it is.

Lots of love,

Ash

[Ginny]

Ash - it IS selfish to keep someone alive... who doesnt want to be cos theyre in pain...

If someone in my life was terminally ill and begged me to allow them to die cos they were in so much pain - I would do it. And, yes, I would have to bear the pain..... but at least THEY wouldnt have to anymore... I cant see THAT being selfish...

Ginny