I Feel Like A Fraud, But I Know I'm Not....

[Wych-Hazel]

I've always been unhappy with my homelife, even as a nipper.

My family were quite high-profile in the community due to my dad's job (Beat Bobby), so I was brought up hearing; "Everything you do and how you act reflects on me". I avoided trouble, obeyed the Law compulsively, even pulling up my friends if I thought they were breaking the Law.

My first day at infant school, me and three other nippers were sat at a table talking. The topic of conversation came round to what our parents did for a living. Eventually it was my turn; "my mummy's a house-wife and my daddy's a Policeman". One kid said, "Copper's nark!", and they all walked away, sneering at me. At the tender age of 5, my school life was reflected in that one moment.

I was bullied mercilessly throughout my school years for what my dad did for a living. I was a big lass, tall, and once I hit 7 or 8, starting putting on weight, so was bullied for that too. When we used to run round the track at comprehensive school, the boys would stand on the far side from the finishing line where the teachers were, and slap my thighs as I ran past.

I never fought back, just avoided eye contact and walked away, because everything I did reflected on my dad as a respected member of society. I was so proud of him being a Policeman, keeping our community safe, upholding the Law, but I learned to bad-mouth the Police when I was with other kids. I had a few friends, who I'd now class as acquaintances (for the most part) but no really close friends.

My dad and I have never got on. I idolised him, respected him, but he didn't understand me. Now as an adult, I made steps to communicate with him instead of being terrified of him. I explained things to him, and he explained things to me. Turns out, he really doesn't understand me. He calls me the black sheep of the family, because he knows of no other family member who's as emotional as I am, who talks their problems through with others, and it's blatantly apparent there aren't any other family members who've ever suffered from mental illness.

Regarding illness and medical conditions, if he can't see it, he ignores it. He doesn't understand mental illness, so he either criticises the sufferer or just ignores it. It took me weeks to get up the courage to let drop infront of him that I'd been referred to my local Community Mental Health Team. I haven't had the guts to tell him I've got a Mental Health Social Worker. I've not even had the guts to tell him I had a meeting with my local Council Housing Team as my Social Worker had sent them a letter explaining that due to living with him and my mum I need to get out ASAP for the sake of my sanity. I may lose the opportunity of priority housing based on medical reasons as you have to submit to a home assessment visit. If my dad knew I'd spoken to strangers about him he'd go mad. If he knew Council employees were coming round to assess my living conditions in his home, he'd go ballistic and make my life a Hell of mental torture. Because I've told the Council there's no way I can let them assess my living arrangements, I may well lose the chance of medical priority.

I'm 38 and I'm terrified of my dad. He's not slapped me round the head since I was a nipper (as punishment), but because of him if a man raises his voice, even playing, I inwardly cringe, freak and have to override the blind panic urge to run and hide. I realised how bad it was when my best mate who's a lad, shouted whilst messing about round his family's home one day, and I tried to run away. He'd never hurt me in a million years, and is infact, extremely protective of me, but he scared me because he raised his voice.

Due to my upbringing and developing survival strategies, I'm now an adult who's a complete mess.

I can rarely hold down any one job for more than 3 years as depression kicks in and I go off sick, then end up leaving. I was 19 when it first happened and my GP at the time told me I was suffering from depression.

Even now I feel like a fraud, but no one can fake the distress and despair you feel when you hit a low patch.

Two years ago, went down with a balance disorder. I still have it now. It affects my cognitive abilities, I feel like I'm drunk all the time and stagger, I suffer with chronic mental and physical fatigue, plus many other symptoms.

I was signed off sick from my work as a computer software technician in March 2006. My employer was pressuring me to return. My parents were pressuring me to go back to work. I spent many weeks sat on NHS waiting lists and seeing ENT, an audiovestibular consultant, a hearing therapist, a communication therapist, an audiology psychologist, a counsellor, a physiotherapist......

I commenced vestibular rehabilitation therapy a year ago. I've been prescribed special exercises to help my brain relearn how to walk (simplified version). Shortly thereafter, my physio suspended our sessions as she was extremely concerned about my mental state. Anxiety, stress and depression are unfortunate bed-fellows of balance disorders, as the condition is chronic, invisible and debilitating, but very poorly understood. Non-sufferers tend to take the attitude; "Yeah, so? You feel dizzy. So what". They have no idea how it destroys your life.

In March 2007, I attended a DWP PCA (Department of Works and Pensions Personal Capability Assessment) for my Incapacity Benefit, and failed. I was notified in April 2007 when they stopped my Incapacity Benefit.

I suffer enough with non-sufferers dismissing my condition, but this was more than I could cope with. I'm an intelligent woman, but I knew there was no way I could handle this alone. I enlisted the help of my local Advice Centre for the appeal. Long story short, the appeal was entered in May 2007......on 17th January 2008, I attended the tribunal, represented by a member of the Advice Centre staff. I didn't even get a chance to speak. We walked into the room and the panel ruled in my favour. I didn't even get to sit down!

It's now 27th February 2008. I should get the balance of the Incapacity Benefit they stopped (less the Reduced Rate Income Support they paid me) today, and I get my first Incapacity Benefit payment in about a fortnight, almost a year after the PCA.

Through the insistence of the audiology psychologist and my GP, I was referred to my local Community Mental Health Team, and despite not being due to receive an appointment til March 2008, was seen at the end of January 2008. Referrals to a psychiatrist or psychologist have been mentioned but warned that waiting lists are extremely long. I've been told an Occupational Therapist will be getting in touch with me, and I've been put on the waiting list for an assertiveness course, but essentially, other than speaking to my GP or the CMHT if I can't cope, I have no current mental health support.

I've been on Citalopram anti-depressants for something like 18 months, but at my insistence and with my GP's approval, I'm on a light dosage as I rely on driving to escape from my home environment (when I can afford the petrol).

A year ago tomorrow, I was medically dismissed by my employer for failing to succeed in a phased return to work, but it was a mutual agreement. Even that went down like a lead balloon with my dad, as my parents have never claimed Benefits in all their lives except their Pensions (which I don't class as Benefits anyway).

I apologise for the length of this post. I suppose what I'm trying to do here is to justify to myself why I need to feel I belong on this forum. I've tried to cope with depression for atleast 19 years with counsellors and medication, but don't feel as if I've come close to finding a resolution. I don't expect someone to wave a magic wand and fix me. I actively engage in self-analysis (a skill a very close friend taught me) where I get a trusted friend to sit there whilst I talk to myself, bouncing theories off them so I can see things clearer, and they can help me look at things from a different angle. To be honest, there's only one person who can help me in this fashion, and she's over 200 miles away.

I know I'm ill, but because I've become extremely skilled in hiding it, and I'm intelligent, people don't believe I have a mental illness, and like my balance disorder, my greatest fear is not being believed..........

Thanks for listening........

[Tray]

hey, your not a fraud, most of us on here are very good at hiding our feelings, myself inclueded. hope you get something out this forum, its can be very helpful, take care x

[rebeccaborderline]

Hi, and welcome. You'r edefinately no fraud, it sounds as though youve been through an awful lot.

Do you have a psychiatrist|? I just wondered if you have another mental health diagnosis, maybe you could ask? Depression for so long is not good. Do you have any type of counsellor or talk therapy (apart from what you do on yourself)? That has helped me a lot.

Have you thought of applying for DLA (Disability Living Allowance)? Its hard to get but makes a huge difference.

Lastly, I urge you to really try to allow the council assesmnet of youyr living conditions to go ahead, if you possibly could in any way. Would your MHSW be with you? Could they talk to your father on your behalf, try and get him to be a bit more sympathetic? It would really be in your best interests for you to get out, it sounds like, and if having them come round is the only way, don't you think your father will just have to get over it? I hope Im not being bossy here, I just want to be supportive, your post has touched me.

Take care

rebeccaborderline

[SuperTues]

Hey Wych

You aren't a fraud and don't tell yourself that you are because it's so not true. You've been through a lot and thank for sharing it with us. You can bounce theories off us, whinge, moan and scream at us, bitch about your parents, or talk about something else.

We here to help x

[Wych-Hazel]

hey, your not a fraud, most of us on here are very good at hiding our feelings, myself inclueded. hope you get something out this forum, its can be very helpful, take care x

Tracy

Many thanks for the welcome.

It's reassuring to find so many others who can understand how I feel, because they've gone through it themselves.

[Wych-Hazel]

Hi, and welcome. You'r edefinately no fraud, it sounds as though youve been through an awful lot.

Do you have a psychiatrist|? I just wondered if you have another mental health diagnosis, maybe you could ask? Depression for so long is not good. Do you have any type of counsellor or talk therapy (apart from what you do on yourself)? That has helped me a lot.

Have you thought of applying for DLA (Disability Living Allowance)? Its hard to get but makes a huge difference.

Lastly, I urge you to really try to allow the council assesmnet of youyr living conditions to go ahead, if you possibly could in any way. Would your MHSW be with you? Could they talk to your father on your behalf, try and get him to be a bit more sympathetic? It would really be in your best interests for you to get out, it sounds like, and if having them come round is the only way, don't you think your father will just have to get over it? I hope Im not being bossy here, I just want to be supportive, your post has touched me.

Take care

rebeccaborderline

Rebecca

It's so hard for me to accept I have a mental illness, especially as depression is used by almost everyone to describe low moods, whether they've been diagnosed or not. It seems to have the connotation of a throw-away diagnosis these days, almost de-valued due to over use. A bit similar to people referring to a bad headcold as flu.

All any medical professional has told me is that I suffer from repeated bouts of depression. No one has mentioned any other forms of mental illness. I have a friend who is a manic depressive, and another who's psychotic, but I've never perceived myself as being anywhere near as bad as they are.....but I've spent 38 years lying to myself as effectively as lying to others, so I suppose anything's possible.

I have been through alot, and that's not the full story, but those are stories for another time......

At this point in time, I have no mental health care.....but saw a counsellor at my GP surgery for a year up until September last year. I was also assessed by the audiology psychologist after a referral by my audiovestibular consultant (I'm under him for my balance disorder). The psychologist saw me for 3 sessions and decided that I'd benefit more from a team supporting me due to a history of depression not just related to my balance disorder. She also felt the CMHT could assist me with obtaining my own home. She contacted my GP and got her to make the referral.

I was assessed in a one hour interview with my Social Worker, and he decided to pass me on to the Occupational Therapist and refer me for an assertiveness course.

He's told me I can contact him at any time with any query, or go to my GP for additional support, but I've not heard from the Occupational Therapist. I received a letter recently telling me I was on the waiting list for the assertiveness course, but I have no support at all......other than the option to approach my GP or Social Worker should I need to.

I have told my Social Worker and previously the counsellor and psychologist (who was only able to assist me with problems relating to my balance disorder) that I'm prepared to do anything to get well. If I have a clinical condition causing my repeated bouts of depression, then I'll take any meds or therapy to help me manage it so I can live as close to a normal life as possible. If the depression can be resolved through talking therapy such as psychiatry or psychology, I don't care how long or how traumatic it is, I'll put in whatever effort is needed to recover.

My Social Worker told me he's going to let the Occupation Therapist decide whether to refer me on to a psychiatrist or psychologist.

Essentially, since October 2007, I've been coping alone, with the support of my GP and one very trusted friend over 200 miles away.

I have considered applying for DLA, but when I mentioned it to an Advisor at the JobCentre, she told me that if her mother can't get it for arthritis in her back, then I've got no chance. Also an advisor at my local Advice Centre also told me it was extremely difficult to get DLA too. I must admit, I'm exhausted and a little scared of applying as between April 2007 and January 2008 I was appealling against the DWP's decision to withdraw my Incapacity Benefit due to failing my PCA. I won the tribunal on 17th January 2008, was paid some of the backdated Incapacity Benefit on the 19th February, and received the balance today. My Incapacity Benefit restarts tomorrow and I'll get my first payment on 12th March. During the appeal process my depression got so bad, I started having suicidal thoughts roughly monthly, but since the New Year, it's been happening fortnightly, and sometimes weekly.

With regards to the home assessment, I agree that I ought to do what I can to try and comply, but my dad will never forgive me if I allow an outsider in to do an assessment. He's a very proud man, and I was brought up to always put on a false face to the outside world, and anything which occurs in the house is never discussed outside of it. The ladies from the Council are well aware and sympathetic of my reason for refusing a home assessment, and have assured me they'll try and find a way around it due to extenuating circumstances. I've no idea how it works with Mental Health Social Workers......I've no idea if I'll retain mine when the Occupational Therapist starts liaising with me or what......I'm in the dark, but maybe that's cos my intelligence and composure comes across so predominantly and people assume I already know....and I'm too embarrassed by the fact I'm under the CMHT to ask......pathetic, huh?

Essentially, if the home assessment goes ahead, my dad will never forgive me and the constant derogatory comments and put downs would be unbearable.......it would be enough to send me over the edge, and self-preservation won't let me put myself in so much danger. My dad is a very stubborn and proud man, and thinks nothing of making snidey comments to make his point, and if you get upset about it, that's your problem cos you're too soft.

The bottom line, is that I need to move into my own place, I can't afford privately rented, so am left with the Council with their 4+ year waiting lists......and if I don't, my mental health is going to deteriorate further......<sigh>.......rock and a hard place.....because even if I do get awarded medical priority, it'll be atleast 4 months before I'd be offered a Council property, so that'd be 4 months of mental abuse courtesy of my dad, unless I agree to move into a hostel which would freak me out big time.

(Sorry, when someone poses a possible scenario, I wind up kind of thinking it through whilst typing, so this may seem a bit pedantic, but it's me merely typing my thought processes).

Thanks for your suggestions, Rebecca, cos unless people with experience of the system bring stuff to my attention, I'll be none the wiser xxx

[Wych-Hazel]

Hey Wych

You aren't a fraud and don't tell yourself that you are because it's so not true. You've been through a lot and thank for sharing it with us. You can bounce theories off us, whinge, moan and scream at us, bitch about your parents, or talk about something else.

We here to help x

Tues

Thanks ever so much xxx

[SuperTues]

Tues

Thanks ever so much xxx

Don't mention it, hun. Hope you're feeling better today

[Wych-Hazel]

Tues

I wasn't feeling so bad until I got a phone call from the Jobcentre telling me I had to attend another Work Based Interview.

I asked if I still had to attend despite being diagnosed with functional vertigo, hyperacusis, tinnitus, clinical depression, my GP persistently signing me off as incapacble of work and having a Mental Health Social Worker, and was told; "Yes, because it's a Government requirement.

Last time I attended one, the journey on the bus set off my balance disorder symptoms dramatically (extreme imbalance, nausea and physical shaking) and I spent the whole interview in tears. I was offered loads of courses for depression etc, but declined as I was due to be seen by the audiology psychologist and didn't want to engage in anything which may clash with my care under the hospital. She later sent me a letter saying she'd recommended I wouldn't have to attend again for a WBI due to the extent and recovery period for my conditions.

I've tried ringing my MHSW, but he's out on a home visit and won't be back in the office til tomorrow, so I'm feeling very worried and upset. Yet again, I'm being put in a situation where someone with absolutely no understanding of my medical condition is in control of my situation. Having invisible illnesses, I feel a constant need to prove to others that I really AM ill, and it makes my depression so much worse. I've just had to spend nearly a year fighting to get my Incapacity Benefit re-instated because the DWP GP didn't believe me, and that almost destroyed me. I don't think I can go through this yet again.....

[SuperTues]

I'm so to hear about darlin but you can get through it, if you have to. When do they want you to go in for an interview?

I'm sure that your MHSW will be able to help you either sort it out, or will support you through it. Just take deep breaths, put your feet firmly on to the floor and just try and calm yourself down hunni :hug2:

[Wych-Hazel]

Tues

19th March. I know that's ages away, but whenever I'm low and something like this happens unexpectedly, I get major anxiety and start worrying. With previous experience, I'll be calmer as time goes on and by tomorrow, I'll probably just be feeling annoyed.

I only know of one person who understands this aspect of my psyche, but I was unable to contact her as she's over 200 miles away and at work right now. I couldn't think of who to turn to, which is why I posted on here and went into Live Chat.

As I calm down after these shocks, I always feel like a pillock, but at the time, the fear and distress is very real for me, and the quickest way for me to handle it is to talk about it "at" someone who I know isn't going to just tell me to shut up and get a life.....cos that actually makes me feel suicidal and useless, and I've had this done to me twice since New Year, so I'm very wary about even mentioning it to others as I'm so vulnerable and scared of reactions.

[SuperTues]

Well you're in the right place for that! You can say everything you need to say and no one will tell you to shut up, we will listen and offer advice. And if we can't advise you, then we'll at least try to comfort you.

You have plenty of time to talk to your MHSW. Talk to him about and see if the two of you can work something out - I'm sure you can :D

[hexan1]

I've always been unhappy with my homelife, even as a nipper.

My family were quite high-profile in the community due to my dad's job (Beat Bobby), so I was brought up hearing; "Everything you do and how you act reflects on me". I avoided trouble, obeyed the Law compulsively, even pulling up my friends if I thought they were breaking the Law.

My first day at infant school, me and three other nippers were sat at a table talking. The topic of conversation came round to what our parents did for a living. Eventually it was my turn; "my mummy's a house-wife and my daddy's a Policeman". One kid said, "Copper's nark!", and they all walked away, sneering at me. At the tender age of 5, my school life was reflected in that one moment.

I was bullied mercilessly throughout my school years for what my dad did for a living. I was a big lass, tall, and once I hit 7 or 8, starting putting on weight, so was bullied for that too. When we used to run round the track at comprehensive school, the boys would stand on the far side from the finishing line where the teachers were, and slap my thighs as I ran past.

I never fought back, just avoided eye contact and walked away, because everything I did reflected on my dad as a respected member of society. I was so proud of him being a Policeman, keeping our community safe, upholding the Law, but I learned to bad-mouth the Police when I was with other kids. I had a few friends, who I'd now class as acquaintances (for the most part) but no really close friends.

My dad and I have never got on. I idolised him, respected him, but he didn't understand me. Now as an adult, I made steps to communicate with him instead of being terrified of him. I explained things to him, and he explained things to me. Turns out, he really doesn't understand me. He calls me the black sheep of the family, because he knows of no other family member who's as emotional as I am, who talks their problems through with others, and it's blatantly apparent there aren't any other family members who've ever suffered from mental illness.

Regarding illness and medical conditions, if he can't see it, he ignores it. He doesn't understand mental illness, so he either criticises the sufferer or just ignores it. It took me weeks to get up the courage to let drop infront of him that I'd been referred to my local Community Mental Health Team. I haven't had the guts to tell him I've got a Mental Health Social Worker. I've not even had the guts to tell him I had a meeting with my local Council Housing Team as my Social Worker had sent them a letter explaining that due to living with him and my mum I need to get out ASAP for the sake of my sanity. I may lose the opportunity of priority housing based on medical reasons as you have to submit to a home assessment visit. If my dad knew I'd spoken to strangers about him he'd go mad. If he knew Council employees were coming round to assess my living conditions in his home, he'd go ballistic and make my life a Hell of mental torture. Because I've told the Council there's no way I can let them assess my living arrangements, I may well lose the chance of medical priority.

I'm 38 and I'm terrified of my dad. He's not slapped me round the head since I was a nipper (as punishment), but because of him if a man raises his voice, even playing, I inwardly cringe, freak and have to override the blind panic urge to run and hide. I realised how bad it was when my best mate who's a lad, shouted whilst messing about round his family's home one day, and I tried to run away. He'd never hurt me in a million years, and is infact, extremely protective of me, but he scared me because he raised his voice.

Due to my upbringing and developing survival strategies, I'm now an adult who's a complete mess.

I can rarely hold down any one job for more than 3 years as depression kicks in and I go off sick, then end up leaving. I was 19 when it first happened and my GP at the time told me I was suffering from depression.

Even now I feel like a fraud, but no one can fake the distress and despair you feel when you hit a low patch.

Two years ago, went down with a balance disorder. I still have it now. It affects my cognitive abilities, I feel like I'm drunk all the time and stagger, I suffer with chronic mental and physical fatigue, plus many other symptoms.

I was signed off sick from my work as a computer software technician in March 2006. My employer was pressuring me to return. My parents were pressuring me to go back to work. I spent many weeks sat on NHS waiting lists and seeing ENT, an audiovestibular consultant, a hearing therapist, a communication therapist, an audiology psychologist, a counsellor, a physiotherapist......

I commenced vestibular rehabilitation therapy a year ago. I've been prescribed special exercises to help my brain relearn how to walk (simplified version). Shortly thereafter, my physio suspended our sessions as she was extremely concerned about my mental state. Anxiety, stress and depression are unfortunate bed-fellows of balance disorders, as the condition is chronic, invisible and debilitating, but very poorly understood. Non-sufferers tend to take the attitude; "Yeah, so? You feel dizzy. So what". They have no idea how it destroys your life.

In March 2007, I attended a DWP PCA (Department of Works and Pensions Personal Capability Assessment) for my Incapacity Benefit, and failed. I was notified in April 2007 when they stopped my Incapacity Benefit.

I suffer enough with non-sufferers dismissing my condition, but this was more than I could cope with. I'm an intelligent woman, but I knew there was no way I could handle this alone. I enlisted the help of my local Advice Centre for the appeal. Long story short, the appeal was entered in May 2007......on 17th January 2008, I attended the tribunal, represented by a member of the Advice Centre staff. I didn't even get a chance to speak. We walked into the room and the panel ruled in my favour. I didn't even get to sit down!

It's now 27th February 2008. I should get the balance of the Incapacity Benefit they stopped (less the Reduced Rate Income Support they paid me) today, and I get my first Incapacity Benefit payment in about a fortnight, almost a year after the PCA.

Through the insistence of the audiology psychologist and my GP, I was referred to my local Community Mental Health Team, and despite not being due to receive an appointment til March 2008, was seen at the end of January 2008. Referrals to a psychiatrist or psychologist have been mentioned but warned that waiting lists are extremely long. I've been told an Occupational Therapist will be getting in touch with me, and I've been put on the waiting list for an assertiveness course, but essentially, other than speaking to my GP or the CMHT if I can't cope, I have no current mental health support.

I've been on Citalopram anti-depressants for something like 18 months, but at my insistence and with my GP's approval, I'm on a light dosage as I rely on driving to escape from my home environment (when I can afford the petrol).

A year ago tomorrow, I was medically dismissed by my employer for failing to succeed in a phased return to work, but it was a mutual agreement. Even that went down like a lead balloon with my dad, as my parents have never claimed Benefits in all their lives except their Pensions (which I don't class as Benefits anyway).

I apologise for the length of this post. I suppose what I'm trying to do here is to justify to myself why I need to feel I belong on this forum. I've tried to cope with depression for atleast 19 years with counsellors and medication, but don't feel as if I've come close to finding a resolution. I don't expect someone to wave a magic wand and fix me. I actively engage in self-analysis (a skill a very close friend taught me) where I get a trusted friend to sit there whilst I talk to myself, bouncing theories off them so I can see things clearer, and they can help me look at things from a different angle. To be honest, there's only one person who can help me in this fashion, and she's over 200 miles away.

I know I'm ill, but because I've become extremely skilled in hiding it, and I'm intelligent, people don't believe I have a mental illness, and like my balance disorder, my greatest fear is not being believed..........

Thanks for listening........

hey, your on the same medication as myself, and your story is very similar to my own. I bet you don't do confrontation either, because neither do I, i would rather dig a hole and hide than do confrontation. Basically I just wanted to say you are not on your own. There are always folk on here ready to listen and advice. As well as my anxiety, panic attacks, lack of confidence etc etc I have an essential tremor and I know what it is like to have that feeling of permanent "sea sickness"where at night you feel like someone has got hold of the bottom of the bed and just yanked it 5ft in the air and dropped it again! I may not be the worlds greatest speller, but if ever you need a listening ear I am here.

In a hundred years time will anyone be interested in the colour of my hair, the state of my house, the size of my bank balance? just a child of the time.

[Wych-Hazel]

Hexan1

Many thanks for that.

I'm very fortunate in that my balance disorder mainly affects me physically when I'm upright. I stagger like I'm drunk, but without the fun bit, but as you probably well know, it causes physcial and mental fatigue where you just can't think straight. It was this aspect which cost me my job as a computer software technician. Luckily, the only time I've ever suffered at night is a variation of mal de barquement syndrome after being a passenger in a car for a few hours. I wind up feeling like the bed's bobbing about on a rough sea!

I'm currently leaning on this website for my mental health issues and another support forum for my balance disorder: Dizzy Times where I'm actually a member of the Peer Support Staff. I joined this site as I feel my needs regarding my mental health are too much for that site, and in that respect, I need to be "just a Member" and not staff. This site hasn't disappointed......

[Wych-Hazel]

*** UPDATE ***

I made an error....the WFI at the JobCentre is on 20th March 2008, not the 19th.

I managed to speak to my Social Worker today. I explained about the WFI and that it was wigging me out BIG time. I asked him if he or another member of staff would be able to accompany me. He said that wasn't possible, but he'd have a word with my Occupational Therapist (who's yet to make contact with me) tomorrow once she returns from the weekend, and ask if it's possible for her to either ring or write to the JobCentre to ask them to back off as I'm already due to receive support from the CMHT.

The way he's been speaking, it's like he's implying that once the OT makes contact with me, I'll no longer be under him (in the professional sense, of course). To be honest, having no knowledge of the structure of CMHT, I'm more than a little freaked at that and am a little scared I'm being fobbed off. My greatest fear, not just with my mental health, but with my balance disorder too (because they're invisible conditions), is that I'm really scared I'm not being believed.

[SuperTues]

Wych

Would you be able to get a doctor's note, saying that you are unfit to work at the moment? It's just an idea but it might be what you need.

Let us know if you hear from your OT. I don't think you are being fobbed off, your SW just thinks that your care needs to be handled by your OT instead. But don't quote me on it - I don't know how these things work either

[Wych-Hazel]

Tues

I feel so thinly stretched mentally at the moment. I've got various appointments coming out of my ears.

My OT rang me yesterday and she asked me to go in and see her today, which I did.

She's a lovely lady who listened attentively when I told her about my situation in it's entirity. She's offered to come with me to my WFI, but has made me another appointment for the 18th March as she's unfamiliar with them and wants to help me collate a list of points to make at the interview.

She agrees that if I can get my own property it will give me a stable home situation in which to work from. She's made that a priority in my case and says from there we'll look at other forms of intervention and working with me to help me resolve many of my issues.

I don't think a note from my GP to the JobCentre would help as she's been providing me with sick notes since March 2006 consistently, and since being in receipt of Benefits since approximately autumn 2006, the JobCentre have been supplied with the original copies.

When I had my last WFI, I was in receipt of Reduced Rate Income Support whilst my appeal for Incapacity Benefit was ongoing. I'm now back on Incapacity Benefit since 28th February 2008, but that didn't seem to make any difference to the JobCentre Advisor when they rang me to make this appointment. It appears that the Government says I have to attend or it'll affect my Benefits, full stop.

Hopefully I won't feel as wigged after my next appointment with my OT.

[SuperTues]

Wych

I'm sorry you are feeling thinly stretched at the moment - things will get easier though. Your OT sounds pretty good - supportive and nice. It's good that she'll come with you for your WFI; she can help fight your corner.

Are you looking into getting your own property?

The UK Gov is fucked - everything they do is like the most backward way to do things!! Honestly, this country is run my retards.

How are you feeling in yourself at the mo?

[Wych-Hazel]

Tues

Unfortunately I'm feeling strung out cos I've had so much to do, especially this week: organising car insurance for my renewal next week, getting my car into the garage for the timing belt to be done, collecting my new camera from Meadowhall shopping centre, attending the appointment with my OT, battling with a persistent headache, dealing with the Council over anti-social behaviour by the neighbours, and attending an appointment with my audiovestibular consultant tomorrow. With balance disorders, your cognitive abilities go out the window, and I always struggled to multi-task BEFORE I fell ill with it!

I do seem to have fallen on my feet with my OT, but I do get the impression she can be a bit of a taskmaster on occasions. I really hope she can help me to help myself. Only time will tell.

I've been bidding on Council properties since April 2007, but shortly afterwards, I stopped as the DWP withdrew my Incapacity Benefit, so there was no way I could afford to live away from home. Since I won my tribunal in January 2008, I've started bidding again. The waiting time on flats here in Sheffield is apparently about 4 years, so unless I get priority status of some kind, I've got another 3 years of bidding before I'll be considered.

[SuperTues]

Wych

I didn't know you were from Sheffield! Me too!! I'm living in Reading at the moment but am moving back to the Steel City at the end of the month.

Anyway, god it sounds like you've had a lot on - are things going to settle down for you soon? It's good that you've managed to get through it all though; so that's a positive.

The ASBO is it for your neighbours or for you? (I'm being nosey)

Fingers crossed with the OT - keep s updated with how it goes!

A four year wait?! That's insane! Well you never know, you might get lucky so just keep trying :)

[Wych-Hazel]

Wych

I didn't know you were from Sheffield! Me too!! I'm living in Reading at the moment but am moving back to the Steel City at the end of the month.

Anyway, god it sounds like you've had a lot on - are things going to settle down for you soon? It's good that you've managed to get through it all though; so that's a positive.

The ASBO is it for your neighbours or for you? (I'm being nosey)

Fingers crossed with the OT - keep s updated with how it goes!

A four year wait?! That's insane! Well you never know, you might get lucky so just keep trying

I wasn't originally from Sheffield unfortunately, I was born and bred darn Saarf, and relocated here to be with my parents once they retired here. My dad's Sheffield born and bred, and so were three of my four grandparents. We used to come here and stop with my dad's parents most school holidays, and I always dreampt of moving to Sheffield as an adult. It took me a while, but I finally made it.

Yeah, things have been a bit hectic, and things should get a little easier but I still find stuff immensely stressful. I have managed to achieve alot during the past couple of weeks, but I feel completely wiped out as a result, and there's still more to do.

Unfortunately there's no actual Anti-Social Behaviour Order being issued, just me reporting the neighbours for performing anti-social behaviour directed at me and my parents. It's an ongoing thing and has been happening for about half a dozen years.

A four year wait is nothing from the rumours I've heard....it can be even longer if you have no priority status and want a specific type of property on a particular estate, and the Council say the long waiting times are due to them losing so many properties on the Right To Buy Scheme and not being allowed to build any more. They pulled loads of houses down on the Manor, but as yet they've not rebuilt one of them and the area's reverted to grassland.

I'll post updates here about my OT.

[Wych-Hazel]

It's been a long time since I last posted on this thread, so please forgive me.

My OT accompanied me to my WBI, and was very supportive. She didn't actually say much, just backed me up or clarified what I was trying to say when she thought I hadn't quite explained things clearly enough.

The JobCentre Advisor was very kind to me, and at the end of the interview, stated that he was going to recommend that I'm not called for another WBI, which gives me breathing space for something like 3 years. He has pointed out however, that I'll still be subject to Personal Capability Assessments (DSS Medicals), and that I was due for one soon. Well, it's now the end of May and I've not heard owt, so fingers crossed, they're going to leave me alone for a while.

My OT is currently liaising with my council's housing department regarding my application for Medical Priority on mental health grounds. I had a call from the housing department today to say as much and that they'd be notifying me of their decision shortly. Knowing my luck, they'll give it to me but only offer me a selection of homes in areas with high anti-social behaviour and psychotic neighbours in an area of the city where I'll have no friends or relatives!

Sorry....feeling so low from receiving no support from any corner that I'm on a downer.

Sometimes I wonder if I have a mild form of bi-polar. Is there such a thing, or is it like a light bulb - it's either on or it's not?

Recently I went a bit manic and it was like no amount of negativity thrown my way could stop me. I even put myself in the firing line by helping to raise awareness of a local charity which is in dire need of donations to survive. Then all of a sudden, at the beginning of this week, it hit me, and I feel like crying all the time, I feel angry and frustrated, and so, so alone. I know this period will last for atleast a week or two, more than likely longer, then all of a sudden I'll be on a high again.

The low spells (or deep blue funks as I call them) last for very long periods, and the high spells are only brief.

I guess what has started me thinking about all this stuff is that I recently read Adam Ant's autobiography "Stand & Deliver". I adored him and his music right from when I was a nipper, and reading of his life has been an eye opener. He wasn't fiagnosed as bi-polar until he was in his 40's or something. I guess I could see parallels with the patterns of ups and downs more than anything.

So.......there we have it.......my OT has advised the housing department that there's no point me receiving therapy of any kind until I have my own stable home environment or all my progress in the sessions will be undone (housing wanted to know why I wasn't getting counselling or something), the housing department are clarifying some other points with my OT then they'll inform me of their decision........and other than copious quantities of negativity and lack of support from my parents.......bugger all's been happening (other than a few photography trips to try and improve my mood).