Repressed Memories

[Loopylizzie]

I think that some of my "problem" may be down to repressed memories. I have recently remembered, or at least allowed myself to remember, some childhood sexual abuse. It's really weird - I can't put my finger on when it came back to me, or how, but it has, and this has caused me revoltion, shame but also a kind of release and relief to the bees in my head.

However, I have very little memory of my childhood, or even my teens and early adulthood. I just have great, blank gaps of years. The odd little memory pokes through, and I have second hand memories which are really just things my family said about me when i was younger, but I don't really feel it's me. Also, when I watch old cinefilms of me it's like I'm watching someone else, a stranger, not me. I guess I have totally dissociated with my younger self, I feel as though I was created as me just a few years ago (I'm now 40).

When I try to remember back, my mind seems to rebel against it. I have some kind of half memories that when I touch on them I feel great dread and darkness like death, and my mind zooms off them like someone touching something very hot.

What can I do to re-unite with young me? Should I even try? Should I just leave the past behind and try and cope the best I can with my condition as it is? Why can't I remember stuff? How can I bring these memories back?

[LadyMacbeth]

I have repressed memories too...I remember bits and pieces but not everything. I even find myself forgetting what happened a few years back...I usually start remembering stuff that happened to me when I was really young when I am feeling extremely paranoid and when I am experiencing consisten panic attacks. I would like to try and remember but I am also afraid. The momory blocks out these images to protect us and we might not be ready to face the past.

Now I am feeling stable I actually don't want to remember anything because it would set me off into a deep depression. So right now I would rather not remember anything.