Susanna Posted February 1, 2005 Report Share Posted February 1, 2005 Hi everyone. I had a kind of strange experience today and thought I would post it on here just to see if anyone else has ever felt the same way. Firstly, I woke up feeling tired, crap...couldn't face getting out of bed etc. Same old stuff. I lay there for ages, thinking of a million reasons why I didn't have to go into work today. I've really been struggling with working full time for the last 10 years, and have had to change jobs, been off sick, then new job...then another new job etc. Sometimes I just find it so hard to get through the working day, I start to feel disconnected, kind of zoned out and then I feel crap and round and round it goes. Anyway, I was seriously considering not going in today...in fact I was even thinking about not going back at all. I've been in this job 3 months and found just about every day an uphill struggle, but I've managed ok so far. Anyway, sorry if this is taking ages to get to the point! I finally dragged myself out of bed and stood in the shower for about 20 minutes. And then it dawned on me. That I was just about to quit a perfectly good job, and blame it on my condition...when the truth is that I was just tired, and feeling shit...same as 'normal' people do sometimes. Yet they still get their ars.es into work. So I gave myself a good shake, got into work and actually ended up having what was probably the most productive day I've had since I started the job. Now I'm a bit embarrassed that I was so pathetic. I've been through many periods in my life where it was just IMPOSSIBLE for me to work (I was off for most of last year..during a really bad period) but right now I'm more stable than I've been and it's pathetic that I was about to use BPD as an excuse in that way. This is the first time that I've ever consciously done this, so maybe that's why I feel so bad about it. Sometimes it's just easier to give in and not fight back..but today I proved to myself that it IS worth struggling through. Am I the only one who has ever even just thought of 'using' their condition to their advantage, or to get their own way or anything like that?? Oh please don't let me be the only one lol.... :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calyps Posted February 1, 2005 Report Share Posted February 1, 2005 Wow, Susanna, HELLO! I hear EXACTLY what you are saying. It's taken me a long time to be able to recognise when I do just need that extra push or whether I need to give myself a break. But I use the way I am as an excuse for work all the time, sometimes everything just seems to point back to disregulated behaviour, for instance, if I am feeling tired and spaced out because i haven't yet got any sleep- can I blame it on BPD via my insomnia? Plus, you hit the nail on the head when you say it's easier to give in- the fact is that we may be experiencing what a normal person does but don't have the same capability of bringing ourselves out of it. Then again I think i have to rationalise it this way or I would destroy myself over every 'failed' day but by doing so I hope I haven't become complacent. Anwen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susanna Posted February 1, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2005 Anwen, thanks for your reply! So glad you understood what I was trying (in a long-winded way lol) to say. You sound exactly like me, in that you are totally self-aware enough to recognise when you just genuinely can't deal with the normal stuff, but like I was saying...today I realised for the first time that I shouldn't just crumble and hide away whenever I'm feeling tired, or low etc. It's almost like I'm kind of hoping for a reason not to go back. And just by writing it on this forum, it really helped me to face the fact that there are times when I just feel lazy, like everyone else in the world! Of course, the BPD does have an impact on day to day things too. I rarely sleep well; I get all hyped and anxious just because I can't find anything to wear to work and get all tearful etc (because of my low self-esteem) and then, behind the mask I've developed to at least appear 'normal'....mostly I just feel worthless and that I'm not even worth employing. But today taught me something I didn't know. I've given up in the past (walked out of jobs, or just not gone back) and partly it's because I don't really like my job, and partly because of the BPD. But what I learned today was that I need to stop looking for excuses not to go back. Inside I'm really just WANTING a trigger that'll allow me to hide away at home, and that really doesn't help me. Today I felt SO great, and more in control than I have in ages, because now I think I'm going to stop looking for excuses and just get on with it. Jeez...I'm wittering away again..sorry! Anyway, thanks for replying Anwen B) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dianna Posted February 2, 2005 Report Share Posted February 2, 2005 Sometimes my husband blames BPD for everything I do and say. It irritates me when he can't take responsibility for himself and puts things on me because I have BPD Dianna Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kazzapants Posted February 3, 2005 Report Share Posted February 3, 2005 just yesterday I was soooooooooooooo going to ring in and say was sick, I tried to tell myself I was sick, bp sick, but then like you, and with the help of a friend, I realised I was just suffereing from the everyday "I'd much rather sit around with my mate drinking coffee and watching daytime TV than go to work" syndrome!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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