Changes In Treatment Are Approaching

[Feralspirit]

Some major changes are coming my way. Perhaps saying "coming my way" is not correct, since I have been seeking them out. All the same, it is all still in the works, so I am nervous. Change scares the hell out of me, but it is necessary. Knowing that the complacency my therapy has fallen into will be disrupted makes me apprehensive. Sometimes, falling into that hum-drum pattern lets me be able to float along, not challenging myself, which is too easy and not productive at all. I am getting restless and want change- which is encouraging in itself- but I am still frightened.

I think a big part of it was the Citalopram debacle. I was on Lexapro for so long, and when my insurance stopped covering it a couple months ago, I was switched to Celexa, since they are in the same family. I remember back when I first started taking Lexapro, I cried in happiness at the relief it provided. Not only did it help with the severe depression I had been dealing with, but I didn't have all the horrid side effects that are so common. No numbness, no robot-feeling depersonalization, no physical side effects. It was SUCH a godsend. Of course, after a while I began to question whether it was still helping, as I do with every med. Then I was switched to Celexa a bit back, and seemed to improve even a bit more, which surprised me. All the same, I wondered if I was taking the med in vain, since I was having a lot of trouble with depression again.

Then, a couple weeks ago, thanks to the incompetence of the psychiatric nurse at my pdoc office, I was without my Celexa for a week. It was the worst week I've experienced in years as far as depression goes. I was utterly terrified, and considered hospital many times. I don't even want to recount all that happened. When I finally had it again, within two doses the difference was astounding. By Gods, the stuff actually works! So that is the bright side I have to glean from that experience. I recognize how important the Celexa is for me. I certainly am not completely relieved of depression- which would be an unfair expectation anyway- but it sure as hell makes my life easier. All of it was something of a wake-up call. Part of me realized the sort of floundering state I have reaching in therapy with Barb. I was severely reminded of the symptoms that take over when I am off that med in particular. And while I don't hold Celexa as the only part of my treatment, nor do I expect it to solve all my issues, I certainly realized that I have a looooong way to go.

Besides the depression, I have so many daily symptoms that the Celexa could never touch, and that is where the therapy comes in. I need it, plain and simple. I have been slowly falling back into old behaviours and thought-patterns due to constantly skipping therapy over the past months, due to feeling like there was no point in me even going. I wasn't getting anything out of our sessions, and in fact left feeling more frustrated. Barb's approach was okay for awhile, but it quickly began wearing on my patience. She is too casual, really. All it has become is me going in there and talking for 50 minutes, while she just sits there, and occasionally chats with me. Which is okay once in awhile, but it is really not helping with the important stuff. I have been so terrified to confront her about it that I simply stopped going and wouldn't talk to her. I want to change therapists but didn't want to deal with having to tell her that. Which in itself is a sign I need a new therapist. I shouldn't be worrying about hurting her feelings. We aren't supposed to have that relationship. I finally confessed my issues to a point on her voicemail yesterday, explaining how I feel about our sessions and what needs to change and whatnot. She called back and left a message on my voicemail while I was asleep.

And THANK GODS the woman said it for me. She was really wonderful about it. She right away felt that I probably need to switch therapists, and admits fully that our interaction has become like that between friends, rather than therapist/client. We've both been aware of that for awhile. I've been seeing her for... two, three years? now. I haven't held a therapist that long since early adolescence. And her approach doesn't work for me anymore, and she recognizes that. Thank Gods. She knows me well enough to know I was having trouble saying it. She wants me to give her a call back, and I should be able to find another therapist in that office. That is the same place I go to see my pdoc, so it is just convenient, and they have a lot of therapists working there. She knows I prefer female therapists, and said there are some available that I might be able to mesh with. She knows how picky I can be. I also want to try to get a therapist that isn't too young. There are a lot of young therapists working there. I almost want to pat their heads and give them cookies. I've probably been in treatment longer than they've been in that line of work. It is completely unfair of me, but I have never been good talking to young people, even in daily life. I hardly talk to anyone my age. I'm a curmudgeonly grandpa type, I suppose. Gods know everyone tells me that, albeit affectionately.

So. There is hope on the horizon. I need to make sure I actually follow through with this, rather than freak out and fall back into behaviours that do me more harm than good. I am dealing with enough paranoia and projecting lately as it is. I feel bad for the next therapist. I know they hear a lot of mad things in their line of work, but no matter how I try to approach them, they always look like they've been hit by a train when I start seeing them. ::sighs and rubs temples:: I hate having to initiate therapists into my "life story". It is a hell of a lot to digest, but you would think they'd be able to handle it better, considering their job, like I said. Ugh. Ah well, I have to try to stay open-minded and not become too jaded before I even start the process again.