ftfrgrl Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 hi, two weeks ago i overdosed on 30 10mg stilnoct tablets and 150mg of zyprexa / olanzapine (anti psychotic). i woke up two days later on cardic support ward.i can not believe i survived that and feel fine and healthy now. somewhere along the line (i have done this about 8 times now over the last 3 years with different combinations of different drugs) i developed a heart block where the one side of my heart is no longer working with regards to sending the electrical impulses to make my heart pump so now it has a slow heart rate. anyway i know i am crazy and selfish and all the rest but i just genuinely can not bear living in this world as someone with borderline personality disorder. its such an ugly diagnosis. i was only diagnosed 3 years ago, and prior to being given the label had never self harmed or tried or even thought of trying to kill myself. now i just want to be dead. i save up my meds bit by bit so that i have a way out of hell. i used to be so successful and content, masters degree and lovely career. i gave up work when i was told what i had as i worked in the mental health field. i truely can't bear my life with this label. i know you may think i am mean to hate it so much but i do. i don't see the point in giving labels like this to people. i only see the point in labeling something you can cure/treat. i diligently attended a psychologist for 3 years and kept quiet and tried to maintain my dignity whilst she spoke to me as though i was 3 years old and had a learning disability....... i am not sure why i am posting here. i just finished reading joshua coles book and that has made me feel even more isolated. does anyone know of anyone dying when overdosing on stilnoct or / and zyprexa? thanks............. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giss Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 i was only diagnosed 3 years ago, and prior to being given the label had never self harmed or tried or even thought of trying to kill myself. now i just want to be dead. i save up my meds bit by bit so that i have a way out of hell. [...] i truely can't bear my life with this label.Hi you,I know exactly what you mean. Sounds as if you were describing me.. but i disagree you. You don't have to live your life with this label. You live another life...a life you prefer. Sounds easy but it isn't, i know perfectly well. But i am absolut sure, that it is possible. This label means nothing. Only your yourself do. You and your wishes, desires, but also your problems. If you dont't like the way your life goes now, well then start to change it. It in your own power but also in your own responsibilty. You can't blame it on any other person or any other thing label or what ever. YOU live your live...no fate or label does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ftfrgrl Posted March 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faerielight Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 i agree.. sod the diagnsis. its just a word.. theres no blood test for bpd!! if it bothers you that much try and redefine it.. i look at bpd as a result of multiple trauma in my life so i think of it as ptsd, just a bit more complex.. please try to stop od ing .. you deserve to live and be happier.. i know its easier said than done though. hugs, blue x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickyP Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 I take olanzapine.There is only ONE known record of a fatal overdose of that medication.That's why i am on that one, to help keep me safe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dolphin859 Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 Hi hun, i'm sorry your feeling worse with this label, i did to start of with, but that was because i didn't really understand it or know what it was, but i have accepted it now, i think it can be cured for some people, it just takes alot of work and no one can do it for you it has to come from you!! I still hate the label alot of the time, but i don't think it as a label as such just a part of me that needs working on!! Just because you have bpd doesn't mean you are a horrible person, i think labels are given out as there just easier to explain. I do belive it can be treated though and you can still live a normal life! Like people have said, you have to try and live with it rather than fight it!! Please stay safe!! If you get the right help you can live life as normal as anyone else!! You've got to want it though aswell!!!Take care!!Mel x x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ftfrgrl Posted March 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 i just wanted to say thank you for the kind replies to my post. i really have never felt like i could get any support as by mere virtue of the fact that i have been diagnosed borderline i refuse to express my emotions. feel as though i am not allowed to or they shall be termed inappropriate. i think this is why i feel so suicidal as i am unable to tell anyone i am depressed, or down because they will say it is because i am borderline. all my emotions just boil up inside of me till after a few weeks i start saving pills till i have enough to stand a reasonable chance at death and shall definately be rendered unconscious. i just don't understand why my body doesn't give up. i have only ever passed through a&e unconscious, i mean heath ledger died and he was on similar meds to the ones i tried to overdose on and i took tons more than he did and weigh less than 100lbs so why did someone worthwhile die and stupid me lives on. i wish i could be like the people on here that i read about who have cpns and see their drs and psychiatrists regularly and are getting help. i live in a country where they would be happier if i just died. i have tried telling my psych (who i only see about 3 times a year on average?) that i felt suicidal and depressed, that was about 3 weeks ago and he got really irritated and told me not to talk like that and that i needed to get myself together and get back to work........ i feel so much pressure to go back to being as i was before but don't see how i can do this now that i am labelled as someone who will never cope with what life has to throw at her and will always make bad decisions. i am sure stilnoct can slow your heart rate down enough to put you to sleep forever? sigh......... sorry to bother everyone . i am sure there is hope for the rest of you, i am just to weak to be a player in this game........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Giss Posted March 29, 2008 Report Share Posted March 29, 2008 No dear....you are not weak. But you choose not being able to cope. That's what you have to face. And whenever you are willing to be honest to yourself, then you can go on and ask, why you want your life to be directed by a diagnosis. There must be a reason, you are so strongly influenced by this expression. Maybe you are able find this thing out? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted March 30, 2008 Report Share Posted March 30, 2008 I don't know what country you are from but I suggest you get a more compassionate and caring pdoc. I know and can feel your pain and I know you need some validation for what you are going through. Have you tried a psychologist? I think if you get the help and attention you really deserve you will be ok. I am sorry to hear about your heart block. You have to stop OD because your heart will not last, I am telling you.I have my own criticisms towards psychiatry and labels are just glorified name calling. There is alot of stigma in psychiatry against personality disorders and really labels serve no purpose. The good news is that while in psychiatry and the ER room the label borderline brings with it the most stigma, shame and punishment, in society people don't see BPD as a problem and our behaviour or whatever is seen as normal/accepted. People with schizophrenia, on the other hand, have the opposite problem. In psychiatry they are well taken care off and are treated with great sympathy as they have a serious mental illness but in society they are the ones that are heavily stigmatised and least understood.Everyone here has given you excellent advice. Try and work on the problems that are affecting your life in an adverse way rather than focusing on the BPD. Also, the more you read up on BPD the more empowered you will feel and the more you can "stick up for yourself" when you are faced with prejudice and discrimination like what your pdoc said to you to "just get over it". He obviously does not know anything about BPD. Do you have access to DBT near your area?icu_baby Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tripper Posted March 30, 2008 Report Share Posted March 30, 2008 For the record yes I have heard of people dying from overdose of olanzapine but in the interests of safety to all on this site I am not going to divulge exactly what the circumstances were surrounding that death and the size of the overdose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.