18 Months Of Dbt Now What

[kuau]

Hi, this is my first post.

Diagnosed BPD about 2 years ago, I am a male, 45 years old live in Hawaii. Currently single, my ex just ended the relationship after reading "stop walking on egg shells"

I have had one suicide attempt, OD on Xanax.

I stared DBT 18 months ago. I just dropped out recently because of financial reasons. I am seeing a new therapist non dbt and was wondering how to cope with the loss of my DBT therapist who really took interest in me.

Everything I have read about DBT up until now shows that although it helps on keeping the patient "alive" yet it fails on addressing the underlying issues. Learning all the DBT skills over the past 18 months has been very worth while yet I am still in a lot pain, still have a ton of suicide ideations etc. Should I have stuck it out longer?

Any suggestions?

[OceanCarol]

Can you tell your new therapist about this and see what she says? Maybe try CBT instead?

[kuau]

Ocean Carol, it is a he, what he wants to do is "Object Relations" I have no idea what this is.

After 18 months of trying to get help I don't know whether I have become the diagnosis or has the diagnosis become me.

It has fully consumed me, and what sucks even more is that I function actually pretty well, I have a part time job and my own business, but when I get home at night, all my demons come out, the feelings of hopelessness, desperation, not being able to sit with the pain, hoping that it will pass which it does, yet this goes on night after night.

[OceanCarol]

Hi again,

I can understand that, its hard to have those nights. Sometimes what helps me is to look at it nonjudgmental, to tell myself that I'm having these thoughts, don't feel bad about it, just let it go. It also helps me to stick to a plan during the day so I don't have much time to think about thuoghts.

[kuau]

Thanks OceanCarol,

Sounds like you have been through DBT also. Did you find it helpful? What else did you do to make yourself feel better and not have the thought "it's always my fault " which Is how I think.

Steven

[OceanCarol]

Hi Steven, I am finding it a little helpful, I've only been through parts of the mindfulness and breathing. They help keeping me grounded, but I have those thoughts and have blamed myself for my mistkaes for a long time. I made a huge mistake at my job, made some bad decisions in life and blame myself for pushing people away that I care about the most and a lot more.

I am still struggling with finding out who I am and why I get angry or upset at myself. It helps to talk about it though. I guess what I learned so far is that what I am doing is a learned behavior and I need to unlearn it. Like when I blame myself or get mad at myself or think negative thoughts etc, I am supposed to replace it with a positive thought. For example, if I said something to a friend of mine that I regretted saying, and got mad at myself for that which triggered negative thinking, I am supposed to go back to that time and ask myself what are the circumstances? Was I hungry, was she tired, was something bothering me or her? Was it as bad as I am making out to be?

So instead of saying I am an awful friend, I always lose friends, I am a horrible person I hate myself, I can say that on that day I might have been tired and I am making this bigger than it is. This does not make me a bad personn. I will call her tomorrow and let her know how I feel. Or something like that.

Now I don't feel so bad, instead of feeling like I am a failure at friends, I feel like I am trying to do something about it.

I know that's a lot, I am still learning it myself. It helped in a few situations, especially when I journal about it. I don't want to make it sound like its so easy and I'm so happy...but I am happy to share what I learn.

Sorry this is so long,

Carol

[kuau]

Carol,

I always find it so amazing on when I come across people who think and feel the same way I do. In some way it is comforting to know I am not alone in this struggle.

Everything you say rings true for me to. It's just for me it's not friends I lose, I lose myself. Which in turn makes me feel like a "loser"

Steven

[OceanCarol]

I think being alone with this is the hardest thing, it is hard to talk about how I feel with others, because I'm afraid they won't understand. It helps to talk about it though, I mean when I started talking to my counselor, on the first day, I kept stalling and stalling about what was bothering me. I thought she would think I was immature and not make a big deal about it, but when she listened to me and said..that's not silly or stupid, I was a little relieved.

Negative thinking can be powerful, and make you feel so bad, but if you realize what you are doing it helps to challenge it. Thanks for your feedback.

Carol

[kuau]

Carol,

Thanks for your valuable feedback also.

Beleive me, I totally know where you are coming from when you speak of being alone and how others will not understand.

That's the one thing I liked about DBT, they have a pretty good idea on what I / we are going through as opposed to seeing a "regular" therapist who does not quite "get it" In some ways I wish I had stuck with DBT, but for me because of my situation, I live in Hawaii on Maui and DBT was only available on Oahu, so I would fly over every week for help. I did this for 18 months. I must have been crazy.

Steven

[OceanCarol]

That doesn't sound crazy at all, but I bet your therapist will use what you did to get to your appointment as an example to others, as to not giving up and no excuses. That's pretty good for 18 months.

There is no group where I am at, so one of the things she wants me to do is to talk about my emotions and what I'm going through, so I'm trying to do a little of that here on this forum. Its been helpful at least to know that others have been going through what I've been through, and some have had to deal with so much more.

It must have been very beneficial to be in the group therapy. I can understand what you mean about a regular therapist, I had one a while ago and didn't get what i was going through, but I didn't really have the guts or knowledge to know how to tell her. Now that I've started opening up about how I really feel I think I can start to get better.

Don't feel bad for not sticking it out, I think that 18 months on a plane every month is pretty good. Would it help at all to write or review what you learned to keep it fresh on your mind? I try to read back the things that I learned, and sometimes it makes the lightbulb go back on again....

Have a good day in Maui.

Carol

[kuau]

Hi Carol,

All my friends thought I was crazy for flying every friday, renting a car, etc. I don't know, Keep in mind DBT is really not group, they call it "skills training" So it's not process group where everyone talks, you can ask questions of course but it is very structured, by the book as they would say. I miss not seeing my primary therapist anymore. She was really upset when I said I was dropping out, she couldn't understand why, for me the reason was quite simple. It was becoming way to expensive and flying back and forth was just getting to much for me, She made it seem like I was breaking up with her as if she was my girl friend and I was blowing her off. I don't know, My 2 year relationship with my gf just ended right before Xmas 2007, I was devastated and to make things even crazier, she was clinical psychologist PHD at Kaiser, I always wondered what she was doing with a borderline boy friend, Oh well I new there was trouble when she came home one evening with the book "stop walking on egg shells" I knew at that point my days were numbered and I was right. Hence the reason I have one of the top BPD distortions, which is when someone finally gets to know me they will reject me and abandon me.

This sucks, it really does. There is this saying people are crazy if they do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result, for me I see things a little different, I expect the same thing to happen over and over again. I never expect a different result. I guess I still have a long way to go or meet someone with the same problems I have. At least we would have something in common, we both have personality disorders. To bad when I was in group there was this really cute girl who use to sit next to me all the time, we had a lot of fun together in group, she was 20 years younger then me though and she had a lot of problems but to me she was "perfect" I would never have to "judge" her, and she did the same with me, we knew we were both troubled, but that was OK. I told my therapist about her, she said it would be a disaster if we had ever gotten together, I now wonder, oh well at the time I was living with the psychologist anyways knowing that it was not going to work out. I hope one of these days something does work out for me, I just hope I don't end up killing myself before.

Steven

[OceanCarol]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, it must have been hard to go through all of that and at the same time. You have a right to be upset and even sad, it is ok. Now think about what you can do about it, not if it will happen again or why does it happen. Forget the word why, and use the words "what can I do" Take this time to do something for yourself, like exercise or take up a hobby. Find your passion, I haven't found mine yet, but I'm still looking I guess.

I have had a few bad relationships with friends in the past, that made me believe that it was a pattern and that I always did it, but looking back, I put only those people on a pedastal and idolized them, and that wasn't healthy. I am not sure if this is helping, but it is something I've been working on.

Take Care,

Carol

[kuau]

I am more sad then upset. One of my problems is I don't really no how to get upset. I keep it all inside and just end up getting mad at myself. You no, I think "everything" is my fault. Oh well. having a personality disorder or what ever you want to call it sure sucks, especially if you are a guy and 45 years old and think there is very little to live for at this point.

Either way, I appreciate all your responses Carol, you are very sweet to me.

Steven

[OceanCarol]

No Problem, I was glad to help, I'm only sharing what helped me.

Try the venting place, or the crisis place, I found those helpful when I am feeling out of control and angry or scared or sad. There you can vent it out and write out how you feel, or put it down on paper, it really does help.

Just don't give up trying, and don't forget to breathe, I found that to be the most helpful. I think that was part of the distress tolerance.