A Vicious Circle

[Anacardium]

I'm coming to the end of my first year at university and I had taken it for granted that it would be a new beginning. Yet, without me even realizing it was happening, I immediately set into motion reasons for me to feel worse than I did before I arrived. I have behaved in a whole variety of "crazy" ways, resulting in several hospital visits and I have heard the name "psychobitch" circulating.

Since I view this crazy personality as something entirely separate from the "real" me (a whole can of worms in itself!) is there anyway in which I can improve the perceptions people have of me, or is it too late?

[icu_baby]

Are you sure you heard Psychobitch circulating or are you being paranoid?

[Barebones]

in which ways u can improve is one of ur thinking, u need to address why u are botherd about what they think of u and why. the only thing that should concern u is urself not what other people think, only people u should care about or should have any impact on u is maybe family members or friends.other than taht u are not incontrol of what other people think of u. only person thats really important in all this and has a right to say is ur self!. it does take awhile to learn that, more u less care the less u are hurt or provoked in being in a certian way. so bottom line is work on urself and then later things may change around u.

also there is many ignorant people out there and really they are worth jack shit to how u should feel.

hope that helps.

take care

[kimik]

i empathize greatly with your situation. in fact, i was going to start a thread about a very similar topic. i feel very stigmatized in my little world right now, as well. it sickens me how people-- i like to refer to them as "the villagers"-- simply devour with delight any little piece of bad news about another person.... how they prey upon the weak with pleasure, so willingly dehumanize you and kick you when your down. god, help me, they know not what they do--

to answer your question: yes, i think you can turn it around. definitely. the mystery is how. that's where the art of living comes in. it's up to you. see what you can do. there is no simple formula. do you have any ideas about what you can do? about what you want to do?

for me, in a similar situation, i think the place to start is with total, radical self-acceptance. i see now that dealing with stigma and shame about being a "psychobitch" is just a lesson i have to learn in this life, as it's happening again and again, in almost every "new" situation i try to create for myself. i really can't catch a freakin break, nowhere, not ONCE!!! so obviously i see that i have to learn non-attachment in this situation. i have to learn to live my life in spite of the pain of being stigmatized and cast out and misunderstood by other human beings.

also, can you use the pain of the stigma/bad rep to your advantage? like, what bothers you more, your situation or the way people are judging your situation? for me, it's "B"-- what other people think. i don't really care about myself so i don't really care what happens to me or my life. i don't care really what a loser i turn into, or how much i destroy myself and sabotage all of my opportunities. i'm borderline, i get a sick pleasure out of harming myself in many ways. BUT, i notice that i REALLY care about being misunderstood and dismissed and dehumanized by others. and it motivates me a lot to look at my situation differently and to take different steps in life.... how about you?

[kimik]

...I had taken it for granted that it would be a new beginning. Yet, without me even realizing it was happening...

i ***really*** empathize with this statement. oh, do i ever.

[foreverborderline]

Fresh starts ?? I never can seem to get one myself..

[Sorrel]

...I had taken it for granted that it would be a new beginning. Yet, without me even realizing it was happening...

i ***really*** empathize with this statement.

So do I.

I have experiences of a) thinking that just going to university would provide the fresh start out of my depression

and of thinking that changing course after my appalling first year would shake me out of it.

Five years on from that first year of university, and all that too-much-hope, and I am sadly still off sick and on the precipice of needing another bout of therapeutic hospitalisation to get me back on track. BUT I had late psychiatric intervention. And so I am behind you all in terms of my progress. It's good that you have had contact with MH services at this stage, it will help you not to fall much further, and hopefully to rise up again. :)