inneed Posted April 30, 2008 Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 i've introduced myself a while ago, and have posted a couple of 'no send letters' but have not yet made a post or a reply even though i read many throughout the day. I don't reply because i don't feel that i have a right to, even though a lot of what is written, i can directly relate to. Anyway, i need to try and start getting this stuff out.Last night on the way home, (i live in Kent and drive to work in London), i saw the aftermath of a car accident, which is not uncommon. I always have to get involved if i can, help out, put myself in danger, anything. But, i always, as last night want to be actually involved in the accident. I want to be the one being cut out by Fire crews. Will he make it, or won't he? I can't commit suicide, as i know the heartbreak it causes and simply will not have my kids blame themselves later on in life, as so often happens. But i still feel that my life is worthless. I don't enjoy life, but should. I have 3 georgeous kids, and should be giving them so much more than i do, or can. I give this world no benefit. Death is a peaceful alternative.I've had 2 operations over the last 2 years. Surgery that was not really necessary. I just love being put under anaesthetic, and the risk of never waking up. I can remember waking up crying, saying 'why did i wake up'. I tried to alter my morning routine this morning, but i simply couldn't. I managed to pull into a layby, where i was going to sleep, but i couldn't physically allow myself to change my routine.I apologise that this covers so many topics, but i've just written whats come into my stupid head.I'm tired of struggling. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted April 30, 2008 Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 I'm sorry things are so hard for you, you sound very depressed. Has you seen someone about this? Perhaps medication can at least get those thoughts to stop, and then maybe get into therapy? I'm sorry, I'm just concerned. You don't have to accept this as the reality, you have the right to get your life and thoughts back in control and to enjoy your kids' development.By the way: you have every right to post and reply on here. Everyone likes getting a reply, and you seem to be going through a lot too... so why wouldn't your input be valuable? Is that due to low self-esteem? I guess that's why some people don't dare post that much on here.Take care, dear.Rain x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inneed Posted April 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 Thanks for the reply Rain. I've been in treatment for years really. I had my first breakdown 10 years ago at 28, where i spend months in the clinic. I spent around 6 months on and off in a Private Mental Clinic 3 years ago, for addiction therapy, but BUPA will not cover me anymore, so i'm left to the NHS, which i've experienced before after nearly being sectioned. I'm on meds, but just abuse these, often taking 4 or 5 times the dose. It doesn't have an effect, but like the SH, its something i can control. I even think its funny, pathetic i know.When i write this stuff, it really brings it home that i'm clearly not well. I don't know how i survive at work. I work so hard, so long hours, hell, i even got a promotion at Christmas, but none of it matters. I just feed off the stress.Promise to post more!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted April 30, 2008 Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 I'm sorry the meds don't seem to help. I know mine aren't a miracle worker either, they are not a solution to our problems of course. I was just given mine as they would ease the effect of therapy (or something like that).What I'm personally trying to do now is eat healthy, and drink lots of water. I'm sure nutrients play some part, especially the fatty acids we need that makes up our brain cell structure. So I've bought some Omega 3+6+9 oil, not from fish though as I'm a vegan.Please don't give up hope, I don't know what treatment you had, but surely something specific to cater to your mental health needs at present could work for you? I've been in 'therapy' when I was a teenager, but there was no goal to it. Just talking isn't enough, there should be something to work towards. Like some type of skills in certain situations, coping with stress and relationships, etc.I am looking to get into DBT which is great for BPD, but I didn't get into next month's module it seems as I haven't got any phone call.Don't give up hope, please.Rain x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inneed Posted April 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 I've had all the treatment you could imagine from CBT to ECT, and i don't really eat enough to be healthy.Can i ask what DBT is?I won't give up, i can't..................... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted April 30, 2008 Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 Dialectical Behavioural Therapy.It focuses on regulating emotions, interpersonal relationships and how to make them effective,...If you have borderline personality disorder, it's a great type of therapy for that. It gives you skills to use, how to deal with stress as opposed to cutting yourself, etc.I hope you find some little light somewhere Be good,Rain x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inneed Posted April 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 Thanks.......hope you get on the next available module, and that it helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted April 30, 2008 Report Share Posted April 30, 2008 Thank you, that's really sweet Have a lovely day. It's nice here, all rainy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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