Confusion

[smile]

Im still confused as to how the things that I do are related to BPD. The more I think about the things I do the more I dont like myself.

I know since school I have always got attached to people, especially teachers, sports coaches, gp, OT, therapists etc. I daydream about them taking care of me. I think up a story in my head where something happens then I will be comforted. Some of the things I have thought up I cant even repeat. I also find when I am around these people, I always try to look their way, I feel like I am trying to get their attention so I can tell them how I am feeling and whats going on. When I was at college I used to walk past my coaches office window etc to see if she was there. I also worried about them dying or someone in their family dying. My fear that they wont be there to support me. All this makes me feel so selfish and almost attention seeking. I hate that thought. Makes me feel like a terrible person. I dont make up anything I tell them its all true.

I am just confused.

[NickyP]

welcome to the world of BPD xx

[smile]

So its linked then. It would be a tough one to bring up in group therapy. Im ashamed to think I behave that way, especially to want the attention of other people. If one of them doesnt support me back or say the right thing I go off them and hold back from talking to them again, unless they show some support afterwards and I change my mind. If I dont think I will get support I kind of pull away from the friendship (or whatever relationship it is).

[cibox]

So its linked then. It would be a tough one to bring up in group therapy. Im ashamed to think I behave that way, especially to want the attention of other people. If one of them doesnt support me back or say the right thing I go off them and hold back from talking to them again, unless they show some support afterwards and I change my mind. If I dont think I will get support I kind of pull away from the friendship (or whatever relationship it is).

I have something similar. Being an only child, I have a major hole in my life where I wanted a brother could be. I've always wanted a brother to be there because in my mind, brothers could argue and never really drift apart because of the blood ties.

I've got a best friend who is younger and we are like brothers, but I'm terrified that he won't be there, he's my rock at the moment, and if that wasn't there, I'd fall I think. I'm much less clingy than I was, but to a degree, I still need looking after a bit when I get into trouble with a situation.

[Tammy]

I use to daydream all the time about tv charachters or anyone really, being my mom rather then the one I have...so I can relate there. I hope you feel better real soon. tc

[smile]

Yeah tv comes into it too. I watch characters and daydream about them being me. Its like I get attached to the character in hope I could get the same response that they do.

[Moonshine]

Haha the more i read on here the more i realise i'm exactly like a lot of people on here. Smile - don't worry i do exactly what you described but like you i'm way to embarrassed to talk about some of the things i daydream! Feel free to pm me though if you wanna talk more - not that i have any answers ;)

[smile]

Im having trouble with thinking about friends etc. I met this bloke and have known him for about 2 months, we used to meet on a regular basis. At first I really liked him, but then a couple of weeks ago I just didnt like him anymore. I just dont feel I can get support from him and when I tried to talk about a few things he said Im a bit like one of those people who says they have this and that wrong with them. Now I dont want to speak or see him, but I cant tell him. Also my mum keeps saying how important having friends are and that I will be lonely if I dont talk to him. I cant let my mum get annoyed with me because then I get down.

I also met a friend yesterday and I didnt enjoy it. I just couldnt stay focused on what she was talking about. All I could talk about was my health. I just feel im being very selfish and just looking for support from friends when I cant give any back. The stupid thing is most people say how kind I am and that I care, they couldnt meet a nicer person. I just think people dont know the real me.

[wednesday]

Smile,

I think what you describe is 'transient ideation'.

I came to the conclusion that I was often looking for a substitute parent. I wanted them to look after me, rescue me. I thought if I copied them , I would be happy. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. As you get better, you do it a bit less and have a more balanced view of more people. However, I am still very dependent on psychiatric services.

[smile]

Thanks for your reply, whats transient ideation if you dont mind me asking?

I really cant help the way I think about people and how I come across to people, but I feel so bad about it. No one really knows the true me. I really dont deserve friends if I am just being selfish. I don't even know my true feelings for people. One minute I think I care the next I don't. One of my brothers I dont even have a conversation with, when I see him the most he gets is 'ok'. I dont know how to relate to him. It makes me think I dont care about him. I dont see my grandparents because I dont know how to hold a conversation with them. Im just useless with things.

[smile]

I know Im being stupid, because I know people are busy, they may not have an answer, have their own problems etc, but whenever I dont get a reply I start to think I have said too much or shouldnt have said anything. Its not only here, I do it with emails and texts to. I cant keep thinking this way, Im too sensitive to others reactions or no reactions so to speak. My friend could not reply after 5 minutes and I would start to think she doesnt like me. Sorry just looking for some reassurance that there is a reason for this etc

[Alexis]

I know what you mean about feeling dead scared if you dont get a reply, i get like that too... with everything, like if i text someone and they dont reply i really really panic. i have slowly got better with it, but it nearly destroyed my relationship with one of my friends, we moved in together and things kinda came to a head..we worked through it and now it is much much, she now lives four hours away from me at university and i can just about deal with not hearing from her for 24hrs when she is busy

i think this is a normal bpd behaviour

i also do the day dream/fantasty thing where others are tking care of me, and put myself in postions where people have to care for me, it makes me ashamed of my self for being manipulative, but i think it is pretty normal with bpd-ers

I think realising you have a problem with something is the first step, cause you can then work on it

its not easy

i dont really have any advice as to how to overcome stuff, im still working on that one

but wanted to let you know i read, care and understand

x x x

[smile]

Thanks Alexis for your reply, it makes me feel slightly better. I guess the only way to stop worrying about not getting a reply is to not post.

[wednesday]

Smile- we are here, but not all, all the time. I have the same sense of insecurity when I post. It is this intensity in bpd that other people find hard to deal with. Most of the time others are not doing something deliberate to you, they are just living their own lives.

Transient ideation is where you might think someone is tha answer to everything for a while, and then you suddenly see them as bad or worthless.

It is also normal for people with bpd to crave the support of others, and at the same time , try to keep their real selves hidden. It is yet another paradox.

[smile]

Thanks wednesday, I know there are good reasons for people not replying, but at that moment in time I just think the worst and get anxious about it. Start thinking I shouldn't text again or mention things that I might have said before. Im terrible for it.

I feel like I have found out new things about myself that make me feel differently about myself. I don't like who I am and don't understand why others would like me. In fact if they knew how I thought and behaved I doubt they would want to know me.

[messygirl]

not sure if this is relevant or not, - but shit, makes me realise Ive spent so many years in a fantasy world that I literally just dont DO reality!

[Suicidal Smily]

Smile I know how it is with posting on here and sometimes I feel like I must just lash out until I get a reaction from people here. All my topics (3) are no longer on the first page and if a few hours has gone by and nobody has replied I feel like nobody here cares and it was pointless that I even wrote. Though I know that sometimes I just read topics but have no advice, can't relate, or just don't know what to say and just read the postings by other members so I can still feel like I am apart of something bigger then my little world. I relate to what messygirl said in repect that I just don't do reality. I am getting money from the county currently because my therapist doesn't think I should try to work right now. We are also going to go to social security and get disablilty for me because we are not sure how long it will be until I can actually handle reality.

[smile]

Im just feeling down, feel like Im 2 different people. That Im hiding one side of me from everyone. That they dont really know me. I want to talk about this at therapy, but Im too ashamed and too embarrassed. I dont feel I can cope with life or live like everyone else. I look at people in the street or my therapists and think I could never do what they do. I dont think Im made for life. I can't cope with too much going on at once. So couldnt handle working, paying bills, shopping, cooking and cleaning. These normal tasks that comes naturally to people just dont register with me. All I want to do is stay at home, thats where I feel comfortable. When I go out somewhere, I will already be thinking about getting home. Its like Im safe there. I feel stuck, I dont know if I want to change, I dont want to be depressed, but I feel safe and comfortable, getting better means doing things Im scared of.

[Rook98]

I find it hard to reason not talking about BPD in therapy. Not that I'm trying to be mean but if you are being treated then talk to excess. Open up and give them a good earfull!

Many here including myself have years of experience with social dissiculties and emotional flip-flopping. The important thing to do is discuss it here or during therapy. We all learn from each other. That`s a good start to recovery.

[ann51]

Smile: I'm glad you posted your concerns. You will get better. I'm 51 and I'm doing a lot better than I was 20 years ago. I couldn't have held the job I have now 20 years ago, hell, even 10 years ago. That said, I'm still struggling very very much with those issues of attachment, isolating myself, stuff like that. I relate so strongly to things you've expressed.

Also, I've read many more posts than I've responded to. My reason for not responding is not that I don't care; on the contrary, I really hurt and feel with people to whom I have not responded. If I responded to every post I read (I joined yesterday and since then have been perusing past and paresent posts) I most probably wouldn't get anything else done! So don't take it personally. I know how very, very hard that is....making yourself vulnerable is the scariest thing.

[smile]

Im still confused over making stories up in my head. Its becoming a daily thing now. I find it a huge comfort for some reason. Today I have been thinking about my mum dying, different possible ways of it happening, if I find her or she is ill then dies, then me telling people and then trying to get on with life. Its just so confusing, why would I find something like this comforting.

Im so embarrassed to bring this up in therapy. Well they actually know, they got hold of a letter explaining a bit about making stories up in my head. I think they are waiting for me to bring it up. The difficult thing is Im in group therapy, about 8 patients and same number of staff. Its just too difficult to talk about. If it was one to one maybe it would be easier.

I just dont like the fact that I get comfort from making these stories up. Does anyone relate or understand what could be going on.

[kanger]

I don't even know if I have BPD, but I seem to relate to whats said here, especially what you said about daydreaming about things. With all the therapists I've had and old teachers etc I have daydreams where I'm in some traffic accdient and they come and save me and care for me throughout the whole thing and hold my hand whilst I'm in hospital and look after me for ever after!! Guess maybe it's something that my inner chid is wanting and missed out on a bit.

I don't know about group therapy as I'm not in it, but I do go to a depression support group and I find when people open up and say things that are hard to say I usually have a huge amount of respect for them. I usually find I relate to it to and rarely if it's something I don't understand, I don't think any less of them I'm just interested in their experiences, that I probably have no idea about so can't judge.

Good luck

[yorkiegal73]

hi smile

i do this a lot. sometimes i make up stories for myself where people have died, other times it's about me being back in hospital and looked after. Sometimes i get to be the big hero and rescue people.

I've done this since childhood. I've often wondered if this overactive imagination was a way of escaping real life when things were horrible as a child, and i've just kept doing it.

The hospital fantasies are especially comforting but i guess it's ok because it keeps me out of them in real life for the most part.

One thing i found out about group therapy is that its amazing how many people have exactly the same experience but also didn't want to be the first to admit it. And hey, just think of the brownie points you'll score with the therapists for bringing it into group! They love that stuff lol.

[walker]

Thank God I found this site, this forum, this topic.

I have NEVER discussed this with anyone, EVER - just beaten myself up about being pathetic, attention seeing, hysterical, nasty, bad ........, for years and years.

Thankyou so much for having the courage to broach this subject, thankyou all for showing me that I am not alone.

I am new by the way

Will introduce myself in 'introductions'

Thank you

[smile]

ahhh, I've still not brought it up in therapy.

This evening I have spent an hour doing the same as before. I just can't work it out why its so comforting. For example the worst thing that could happen to me is my mum dying. yet I make up the stories of these kind of things happening and it comforts me.

I just want some level of understanding of it and I know that maybe difficult to get hold of.

I really don't like myself for doing this. It makes me think I want all these things to happen and Im wishing it on people.

Sorry if I keep bringing this up, its just therapy will be the most difficult place to bring it up.