A Struggle To Cope

[smile]

Im really finding it hard at the moment. I am just so fed up with life, I just dont see what the point is. I just dont feel as though I have ever grown up.

I left college 5 years ago and have only managed 4 months of work in that time. Up until the summer last year I spent only 30 mins out to the shops each day. Now I have therapy twice a week and playing a sport twice a week. I know my routine is what keeps me going, but I absolutely dread each day. After therapy finishes for the week I dread the next day when I play a sport, then the next day when my nieces are round. Then I dread the weekend with nothing to do. Then back to monday for sport again. I hate it.

I feel so lonely, Im scared to text a friend because all I ever talk about is how bad I feel. I feel selfish, I dont even know if I care about them and worry all I care about is myself getting support and understanding.

At home I dont have any motivation to do anything, I cant be bothered to tidy up or do anything, all I want to do is lay down and relax or get some kind of comfort.

I really do hate myself at the moment. I feel so selfish and attention seeking. I cant even hold a conversation with one of my brothers. Both of my grandads are ill yet I dont see them or talk to them. I dont know how to hold a conversation with them. Makes me wonder if I care. Once again all about myself. I dont know how to respond to people or react, my mum has been ill this week, I havent been able to show any sympathy at all. I just feel like a kid who doesn't know what they are doing or what the right thing to do is. Its my dads birthday this week coming, yet I havent sent him a card and I cant reply to his email. I hate this.

I cant even think about getting better because that means I will be doing all the things I am scared of, I wont be safe. I just want to be taken care of.

I feel useless, I dont feel my age, I look at people younger than me and think they do so well for themselves.

I dont know how to cope anymore, every week I get suicidal thoughts, the only thing that stops me is my mum and how it will effect her. I just feel trapped

[rain]

You'll be swimming around in circles till you genuinely decide to want to get out of it. I'm sorry to be harsh, but what seems so cosy to you right now, you also seem to see as a cage as it were. It's up to you to find the will to recover.

I can't say anything reassuring or any magic tool. You have it within yourself, the courage to be able to face yourself.

Take care,

Rain xx

[Stezzy]

Blimey hun you sound so much like me. I'm the same - don't want to get better as scared about growing up etc. I also get the constant suicidal thoughts and sense of being trapped.

The fact you have written all this shows that you ARE a caring person. If you weren't you wouldn't be worrying about it, you just wouldnt give a shit. It sounds more like you do care but at the moment you're in too much pain yourself to be able to show it. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, just that you're hurting. Is this an issue you could perhaps bring up with your T?

With your grandads, could you pass on a message to them? Can yuo send your dad a birthday text instead of a card? Tasks can seem enormous when we're depressed so perhaps by breaking things down into smaller bits they will seem more manageable. Depression is a vicious circle because the more you don't do things, the worse you feel about yourself. If yuo can break that pattern by doing something no matter how small, it might get easier.

Please take care - you're worth it. x

[wednesday]

Smile

When I war in a similar state, my T at the time gave me a a minimum mumber of things I had to do each day. One of them was- go for a twenty minute walk and another was that I had to do one thing for another person each day. So feel like it or not, I had to do something. They are only small things to focus on-but they are a beginning.

I hope you can start to feel better.

[fucktheworld]

While I was reading this thread two cars pulled up next door and a bunch of people got out and went in the house with suitcases. I felt relieved my family wasn't coming over. I feel very guilty I can't think about seeing my family and I'm glad I live too far away for it to be an expectation. I hate who I am around them and I can't control it. I am afraid of some of them and there is no point expressing it because I'm not someone they hardly consider needs anything because I have a strong front I put on and they believe it. They are all damaged and live tortured lives. They have a hard time thinking about anyone besides themselves and all I think about when I am around them is my ocd stuff. I am in a desperate state to feel safe and can hardly lay my head down at night to sleep. It takes me a month to recover from any visit. I feel anxiety just writing this.