Katherine Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 I don't know why, at my difficult birth, and as a 30 week's gestation born foetus in the incubator on the edge of life, I decided to live. I don't know why, as a 25 year old nearly suffocated by a serious gas leak, I decided to wake up and breathe. I don't know why now, aged 34 nearly 35, I keep going every day, somehow. What hope is there left in keeping alive? Right now, as for most of my life, there seems to be none. It is somehow a peaceful relief to write this. I don't know why the bullies didn't kill me then, or my father send me away somewhere. They might as well have done. I am nothing, noone and nobody. I am still a child, still a baby. I doubt I'll ever be able to grow up, its too late. I wish I could leave it all behind, but I don't have even the courage for that. Even though I am now taking 2 tablets a day, and it could be no great difference to take even more, plus I have 2 full packets of ibuprofen. My flatmate might have some valium tucked away too. But I am not 'serious' or I'd have put this is the Suicide forum. Even so, this is how I feel. karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted February 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 its true. it wouldn't matter to anyone. noone would miss me. i have nothing to give the world. i thought i did but it'll be taken away tomorrow likely.(meeting with tutor) after that i won't care any more. noone wants me around. i'm too babyish and needy and, what the hell? i'm not worth listening to anyway. even these words feel empty. there is nowhere to go, noone to care noone that cares. i have therapy tomorrow morning. 60 minutes of caring. i have that at least. don't know what'll happen in my tutor meeting afterwards, i'll probably burst out in tears in front of her. if she is confrontational of me i shall certainly not care any more about my life. noone understands. noone cares. its all empty and means nothing. its a comfort just to write theis. i should be in bed, but scared of that. i don't want to get up in the morning, i don't want to be here. but i'd leave too much behind for others to deal with. so i won't. i wish i could just go. only my parents would care but is that real love? a friend said she would care. but really i hardly see her. she's only a bad weather friend. i hate my life, always have done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted February 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 i am probably being manipulative to get caring. which is why noone cares, has been that way all my life. cats have their suffering removed painlessly. why not me? why couldn't I have gone with Pebbles? I wouldn't have to go through this hell now. i'm staying here in the hope that someone will come, but of course noone will. like it was when i was a child, i cried on the stairs hoping my parents would come, would hear me and enfold me in their arms. but even when they came i was a nuisance, a disruption, an antagonistic feature in his life. i still am, in everyone's life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flippy Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 I dont know what to say except i care and i want you around, i understand so much of what you have written because i have felt it at some point in my life. You are not alone, you have us. please take care flippy ((((hugs)))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betsy Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 Karie, We care. I am glad you are going to the therapists tomorrow. Karie I know it doesn't help but these extreame feelings do change. Please take care of yourself. ((((((((((((((((((((( karie )))))))))))))))))))))))))) bets Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted February 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 why should I take care, there is noone inside me to take care of and i am alone i have no friends, not really Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 6, 2005 Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 ((((((((Kari)))))))) Please.....I dont know what to say...... just hang in there...? Please. Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted February 6, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 6, 2005 "sorry" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 K, you are one of the first people I started talking to you on here. I really acre for you and you seem to be feeting worse. I am thinking of you and I hope you feel better. But, what has changed in the past two months. You are really going through a bad time. We care for you so much. Talk to your therapist youhave a good relationship with her. Talk to me if you need someone to talk to.. Love, Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 Yeah kari.... Lady M so cares about you.... you know how good she is at listening..... I am here for you too.... Stay with us..... Ginny :hug2: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katherine Posted February 7, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 ....thank you..... sad numb and ashamed and angry this morning, scared and my hands are shaky, but I'm still here. perhaps once I've met with my tutor things will be clearer and at least I'll know the full truth. I'll be back later. karie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted February 7, 2005 Report Share Posted February 7, 2005 (((((karie)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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