blakemacleod Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Hi Everyone. This is my first time on the forum. I am a 50 year old male in Denver Colorado. Fought depression all of my life. No access to heath care these past four years has made it really difficult and lately ( past few months ) I can't stop thinking about suicide. I just feel like there is nothing left for me. Being in this country ( USA ) is wierd. I am an "undocumented" citizen - very long story - and don't see any way out of this awful mess. My own fault really .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairy Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Blake,Sorry you are feeling so bad, I am sure that is not your fault. If you are thinking about suicide then you need to see a doctor, would that be possible?I hope you start to feel better very soon, take care.Fairy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Hi Everyone. This is my first time on the forum. I am a 50 year old male in Denver Colorado. Fought depression all of my life. No access to heath care these past four years has made it really difficult and lately ( past few months ) I can't stop thinking about suicide. I just feel like there is nothing left for me. Being in this country ( USA ) is wierd. I am an "undocumented" citizen - very long story - and don't see any way out of this awful mess. My own fault really .... The powers that be here ( Colorado ) have made it impossible for an undocumented citizen to receive any sort ofmedical help - except when in a life threatening situation. They don't consider emtional illness life threatening. Up until 4 years ago I was on meds and handling my depression. My being in this situation ( in this country as an undocumented person ) really is my own fault. I should never have trusted my partner that much. But I figured that after 8 and a half years .... I should never have agreed to move here and then I would never have been left stranded. Suicide really does seem like the only way out for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairy Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Is there a phone line you can call for advice and support? Can you get back on the meds you were on before?Fairy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyL Posted May 28, 2008 Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Blake, at the very least you could call the local crisis hotline and talk to them. I think you should do that. Also, hospitals take suicide threats very seriously and they will treat you if you don't feel safe. I think the big problem is that as an undocumented alien they might be forced to report you to the INS and that would not be good. But at least call the crisi hotline. It will give you a real live person to talk to and that's a start. They'll have information on whatever next steps you can talk, too. Call them. Please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Is there a phone line you can call for advice and support? Can you get back on the meds you were on before?Fairy xxx I know there are phone lines one can call for crisis intervention - just not sure that I am up to explaining my current situation ( again ) to someone who really can't do anything to help. Meds are out of the question at the moment as you first need to see a doc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted May 28, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 28, 2008 Blake, at the very least you could call the local crisis hotline and talk to them. I think you should do that. Also, hospitals take suicide threats very seriously and they will treat you if you don't feel safe. I think the big problem is that as an undocumented alien they might be forced to report you to the INS and that would not be good. But at least call the crisi hotline. It will give you a real live person to talk to and that's a start. They'll have information on whatever next steps you can talk, too. Call them. Please. Not quite ready to do anything that would involve the INS. Leaving the country would mean being forced to live on the streets. At least here I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I never imagined turning 50 and being in this situation. Hell - I never imagined that Paul would ever leave me stranded in a foreign country with no money, no way to get back home ( lack of proper documentation makes travel almost impossible ),and no access to health care after being together for 12 and a half years. I guess love makes fools of us all. Thankfully our landlady ( Margaret ) said I could work with her - help out in maintaining her rentals - in exchange for my rent. It's a wierd situation to be in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 Blake, at the very least you could call the local crisis hotline and talk to them. I think you should do that. Also, hospitals take suicide threats very seriously and they will treat you if you don't feel safe. I think the big problem is that as an undocumented alien they might be forced to report you to the INS and that would not be good. But at least call the crisi hotline. It will give you a real live person to talk to and that's a start. They'll have information on whatever next steps you can talk, too. Call them. Please. Not quite ready to do anything that would involve the INS. Leaving the country would mean being forced to live on the streets. At least here I have a roof over my head and food on my table. I never imagined turning 50 and being in this situation. Hell - I never imagined that Paul would ever leave me stranded in a foreign country with no money, no way to get back home ( lack of proper documentation makes travel almost impossible ),and no access to health care after being together for 12 and a half years. I guess love makes fools of us all. Thankfully our landlady ( Margaret ) said I could work with her - help out in maintaining her rentals - in exchange for my rent. It's a wierd situation to be in.' I am sorry if that sounding like I was jumping on you, Andy. I know that you meant well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted May 29, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 29, 2008 So far today I am doing fairly well. Forced myself into a few hours of much needed housework. Trying to change my thoughts. When I start to think of suicide, I try and "zap" the thought with some positive thought. I still wake up hoping this will be my last day and before I fall asleep pray to whatever gods there might be that I don't wake up, though. It's so damn confusing. I mean, if I believe my life is worthless why bother trying to make it through the dpression? ZAP!!! I need to take it one day at a time and not panic over the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted May 30, 2008 Author Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 So much for "zapping" negative thoughts. Oh well, at least I had one day of not feeling too bad. Fears and anxieties are back in full force. Yesterday I was obsessing. Got it into my head that my dog was going to die and couldn't shake the thought. Today is more of a quiet acceptance that the quality of my life can never improve. It's wierd writing on this forum ... sharing with people I have no connection to that my life is an abysmal failure. Tomorrow is the anniversary date of receiving that email ( 4 years ago ) from Paul saying that he was not coming back to being me and our dogs home - telling me that our relationship of 12 and a half years was over. And that he closed the joint account. Leaving me here with no money, no access to health care and no way to go home. The last one really didn't matter as even if I had been able to get back home, I would not have had any where to stay and no money for starting over. When I had agreed to move to Denver ( he said that he could not make it down here alone ) he promised to never leave me stranded. I had to give up a small disability pension when I moved. BUt since his new job was paying a lot more he said we could afford my losing the pension. Four years I have been here alone. I kept thinking that he would realize just how wrong it was to abandon me here. I know it sounds insane - but I believed in him. That first year alone here was awful. Two of our four legged babies ( our dogs ) got sick with cancer and I had to have them euthanized. I thought I would die from the broken heart that year. This isn't where I imagined I would be when turning 50. This isn't the life I imagined. No where close. I thought I was doing pretty good at taking one day at a time. I thought I was through the worst. Guess I was wrong. Still hurts like crazy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rain Posted May 30, 2008 Report Share Posted May 30, 2008 I'm so sorry, dear, you've got a lot on your plate. I wish you could go to some sort of service where they could help you out. So you could have less fundamental stessors. What you have been through is a bitch, but you'll have to want to get through it, let go, accept that it's done and dusted and move on to the next chapter of your life. YOU don't end here. Life throws such struggles at us a lot of the time, but I believe they all happen for a reason and we need to work through them the best we can. Don't become the depression. It's something we need to get through, and not stay stuck in. Let it serve its purpose and send it on its merry way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 I'm so sorry, dear, you've got a lot on your plate. I wish you could go to some sort of service where they could help you out. So you could have less fundamental stessors. What you have been through is a bitch, but you'll have to want to get through it, let go, accept that it's done and dusted and move on to the next chapter of your life. YOU don't end here. Life throws such struggles at us a lot of the time, but I believe they all happen for a reason and we need to work through them the best we can. Don't become the depression. It's something we need to get through, and not stay stuck in. Let it serve its purpose and send it on its merry way. Thanks for your words of support, Rain. All things considered, I have come through these past four years a lot better than I ever imagined. I don't know why these past couple of months I have had such an increase in the depressive feelings. I know it may not sound like it - but I really have tried "dusting myself off" and moving on. It's just that sometimes I honestly don't think I am up to the challenge. I don't know if I have the strength needed to make it through this time. And yes, maybe this time I am leaning towards not wanting to make it through. I honestly don't know. I just know that I am so dreadfully tired of fighting to survive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted June 1, 2008 Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Do you think you also need to be a registered citizin to join a selfhelp group?? Maybe this is an idea for you, if you email me where you live I might be able to find something for you.Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 1, 2008 Do you think you also need to be a registered citizin to join a selfhelp group?? Maybe this is an idea for you, if you email me where you live I might be able to find something for you.Lilly I live in Denver, Colorado. Thanks for your concern, Lilly. I keep thinking I should be able to rise above this depression. That I have been through horrid times in the past and survived. Sometimes I wonder if that's the reason why I feel so disinclined to fight it. Knowing that it will always be there, I mean. I don't mean to sound all whiny - but sometimes I just want to scram that " enough is enough " and I don't want to keep going through the same pain. Does that make any sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 3, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2008 Had an awful day. Lots of tears. Need to get a handle on this .... soon. My Mum and older sister are flying in for a visit ( this Saturday ) and I can't allow them to see me like this. Haven't seen Mum in 9 years, and it's been 12 or so since I have seen or had a conversation with Donna. Love my mum to death and don't want to give her any reason to be upset or worried. She is 83 and losing her sight. I want her last memories of me to be good ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kib0ne Posted June 6, 2008 Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 I hope you have a good weekend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 6, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 6, 2008 I hope you have a good weekend. Thanks. Hope yours goes well also. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 7, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2008 My Mum and sister arrive this evening and I am a wreck. Trying so hard to get a handle on this damn depression. Been sleeping much too much lately. Seems to be my chosen form of escape. Guess it's better than a lot of other things I could be doing. Still feels like there is no point in going on ... but I have to. At least for the next 9 - 10 days while I have company. Who knows...? By then maybe the depression will have eased off a bit. I mean, eventually it has to run its course. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimik Posted June 8, 2008 Report Share Posted June 8, 2008 Hi Everyone. This is my first time on the forum. I am a 50 year old male in Denver Colorado. Fought depression all of my life. No access to heath care these past four years has made it really difficult and lately ( past few months ) I can't stop thinking about suicide. I just feel like there is nothing left for me. Being in this country ( USA ) is wierd. I am an "undocumented" citizen - very long story - and don't see any way out of this awful mess. My own fault really ....hi blake, how are things? i just tried to send you a private message but i think my computer frizzed at that moment... internet is weird lately... anyway, if you don't get it would you please feel free to write to me anyway? i have been away from this board for a bit but when i returned i saw your post and wanted to let you know right away that i relate a lot to what you're feeling. you are not alone.... remember that. touch base anytime.--kimik Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 9, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 9, 2008 Hi Everyone. This is my first time on the forum. I am a 50 year old male in Denver Colorado. Fought depression all of my life. No access to heath care these past four years has made it really difficult and lately ( past few months ) I can't stop thinking about suicide. I just feel like there is nothing left for me. Being in this country ( USA ) is wierd. I am an "undocumented" citizen - very long story - and don't see any way out of this awful mess. My own fault really ....hi blake, how are things? i just tried to send you a private message but i think my computer frizzed at that moment... internet is weird lately... anyway, if you don't get it would you please feel free to write to me anyway? i have been away from this board for a bit but when i returned i saw your post and wanted to let you know right away that i relate a lot to what you're feeling. you are not alone.... remember that. touch base anytime.--kimik Thanks kimik. Sent you a mssge - testing the messenger option of this forum. Hope you are doing well. Me? Still battling feelings of hopelessness .... but at least I am still above ground. Talk soon. blake Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
carolsmith Posted June 20, 2008 Report Share Posted June 20, 2008 Hi Everyone. This is my first time on the forum. I am a 50 year old male in Denver Colorado. Fought depression all of my life. No access to heath care these past four years has made it really difficult and lately ( past few months ) I can't stop thinking about suicide. I just feel like there is nothing left for me. Being in this country ( USA ) is wierd. I am an "undocumented" citizen - very long story - and don't see any way out of this awful mess. My own fault really ....hi blake, how are things? i just tried to send you a private message but i think my computer frizzed at that moment... internet is weird lately... anyway, if you don't get it would you please feel free to write to me anyway? i have been away from this board for a bit but when i returned i saw your post and wanted to let you know right away that i relate a lot to what you're feeling. you are not alone.... remember that. touch base anytime.--kimikthat is somehow worrying!but don't you give up.having been there once in my life i know how it feels.i lost my husband and i felt like joining him.tried alcohol still could not work.i looked at myself on the mirror and at that moment i knew i did not deserve what i was doing to myself.....................................................................................................carol smithwww.dual-diagnosis.net Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
missP Posted June 21, 2008 Report Share Posted June 21, 2008 hey there, hope you are feeling better. I know its difficult to see doc to get you back on the medication, could you get hold of some good herbal supplements like 5HTP or St Johns wart? At least you can pick this up from any health/vitamins shops. My friend responded better tp 5HTP than her prescriped Anti depressants. Its worth a try at least 5htp helps you produce more seratonin and can help stablise you, its not that expensive and you dont need a prescription.lots of love x MissP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 Hi Everyone. This is my first time on the forum. I am a 50 year old male in Denver Colorado. Fought depression all of my life. No access to heath care these past four years has made it really difficult and lately ( past few months ) I can't stop thinking about suicide. I just feel like there is nothing left for me. Being in this country ( USA ) is wierd. I am an "undocumented" citizen - very long story - and don't see any way out of this awful mess. My own fault really ....hi blake, how are things? i just tried to send you a private message but i think my computer frizzed at that moment... internet is weird lately... anyway, if you don't get it would you please feel free to write to me anyway? i have been away from this board for a bit but when i returned i saw your post and wanted to let you know right away that i relate a lot to what you're feeling. you are not alone.... remember that. touch base anytime.--kimikthat is somehow worrying!but don't you give up.having been there once in my life i know how it feels.i lost my husband and i felt like joining him.tried alcohol still could not work.i looked at myself on the mirror and at that moment i knew i did not deserve what i was doing to myself.....................................................................................................carol smithwww.dual-diagnosis.net Thanks for the encouraging words, carol. I'm really trying to keep a grip and not give into these waves of hopelessness. Even though I have known - as we all have - difficult times in the past, these circumstances are unlike anything I've experienced in the past. Years ago, when I watched a spousal partner ( Garry ) get hit and killed by train - he was trying to get our semi blind dog off the tracks - I thought if I could survive that I could survive anything. That has sort of been my mantra through the years. Now I am not so sure. I don't mean to sound all whiny and self pitying .... I just feel so damn drained and wish I could simply give up. I'm tired of fighting just to get through another day. And most of the time I don't even know if I am doing the right thing by fighting. I mean, what am I fighting for? Do I really want the kind of future that I know is in store for me? Right now the only things keeping going are my dog ( Nigel ) and my 87 year old landlady. They depend on me. I know I'm not making much sense. But four years ago when Paul informed me he wasn't coming back for us, my landlady ( Margaret ) said I could stay on and help her for my rent and spending money. Since then she's become to depend on me and has so many shady characters trying to exploit her financially and I know that she needs me. I promised her husband before he died that I would do what I could to watch out for her. So as insane as it sounds, fear of what would happen to her makes me hesitant to give up entirely. I keep telling myself that I am not so bad off - I have a little house to live in and food on my table and my dog ..... I mean, I know there are others in worse situations. But lately, no matter how hard I try to be grateful for the positive things in my life ... I look to the future and just see more of the same and don't feel strong enough for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blakemacleod Posted June 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2008 hey there, hope you are feeling better. I know its difficult to see doc to get you back on the medication, could you get hold of some good herbal supplements like 5HTP or St Johns wart? At least you can pick this up from any health/vitamins shops. My friend responded better tp 5HTP than her prescriped Anti depressants. Its worth a try at least 5htp helps you produce more seratonin and can help stablise you, its not that expensive and you dont need a prescription.lots of love x MissP Thanks, missP. Hope you're doing well also. I will definitely look into 5HTP. Hopefully it will provide a kick start. I'm still hanging in there. Sometimes it feels like it's by the thinnest of threads. Right now it's a case of putting one foot in front of the other and just being thankful for making it through each day. Maybe thankful is not the right word to use. More like resignation. Maybe tonight was the wrong time to respond to postings .... feeling extremely hopeless/helpless and that does tend to often make one come across as self pitying/whining. Plus it makes me question the validity of my decisions and the impact of my presence ( being physically here in Denver ) on others. Oh wow, that sounds so very self absorbed. I am constantly amazed at the narcissistic nature often produced as a byproduct of depression. Thanks again for all your encouraging words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smudgesmum Posted June 25, 2008 Report Share Posted June 25, 2008 hey there, hope you are feeling better. I know its difficult to see doc to get you back on the medication, could you get hold of some good herbal supplements like 5HTP or St Johns wart? At least you can pick this up from any health/vitamins shops. My friend responded better tp 5HTP than her prescriped Anti depressants. Its worth a try at least 5htp helps you produce more seratonin and can help stablise you, its not that expensive and you dont need a prescription.lots of love x MissP Thanks, missP. Hope you're doing well also. I will definitely look into 5HTP. Hopefully it will provide a kick start. I'm still hanging in there. Sometimes it feels like it's by the thinnest of threads. Right now it's a case of putting one foot in front of the other and just being thankful for making it through each day. Maybe thankful is not the right word to use. More like resignation. Maybe tonight was the wrong time to respond to postings .... feeling extremely hopeless/helpless and that does tend to often make one come across as self pitying/whining. Plus it makes me question the validity of my decisions and the impact of my presence ( being physically here in Denver ) on others. Oh wow, that sounds so very self absorbed. I am constantly amazed at the narcissistic nature often produced as a byproduct of depression. Thanks again for all your encouraging words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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