stinkyboy Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 Ok im alone, very lonely, isolated and depressed with nothing to look forward to. What makes this any different than any other night? I'm off work, that's what's different. There is nothing in this world at least in my life that separates my exisitence in two distinct halves than the time while i'm working and the time i'm not. When i'm working i'm in total control of my enviroment, ( i have to be), and i can be outgoing, positive, friendly and helpfull and just an all around great guy but when i'm not, i'm all over these web pages whining and crying about how much i hate my life and myself and wishing things would change but never finding the courage to go about doing the types of things that i would need to do to effect the kind of change i desire but at this point can only dream about. Is this what it means to be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder? Don't answer that, i think i know the answer.If i could only somehow learn to connect those two halves that make up stinkyboy, could i then be considered normal and actually have a life? Is that what therapy can do? I know i have had very little of that, mainly because i don't have health insurance and the times when i did see a therapist, he didn't really seem to understand how to go about helping someone like me. I know i have talked about this subject many times before so i apologize for that. I hate to be boring you know. In fact, i read so many posts from you guys where most of you seem to have many different and diverse interests that keep your life from being boring. I think that if i did ever come to meet a woman who would be interested in me beyond just the physical, she would quickly lose interest simply because i am so boring. I mean i even bore myself. I'm doing it right now. God i hate myself. I even wonder what my cat see's in me. Maybe he's boring too. 44 hours til i'm back at work. Can't wait. Later, steven :wacko: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lisamonique86 Posted June 17, 2008 Report Share Posted June 17, 2008 i seem to fall apart when i am alone as well.. but even more so when i am in a situation i'm not in control of!!!i wonder CONSTANTLY why people have me in their life.. most of the time i believe people don't really like me... or they 'have to' hang around with me for some reason or other.:( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lexine Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 i seem to fall apart when i am alone as well.. but even more so when i am in a situation i'm not in control of!!!i wonder CONSTANTLY why people have me in their life.. most of the time i believe people don't really like me... or they 'have to' hang around with me for some reason or other.Wow, that describes my feelings perfectly. I feel like everyone that is my friend is only my friend because they are friends with my best friend (whoah, sorry to use "friend" so many times! ). No one is truly my friend for me--only by association and if I wasn't friends with my best friend, they wouldn't like me at all. Eh. I'm confusing myself so I hope that made any sense. And to stinkyboy, I can totally relate to feeling good in the presence of others when I have a job to do vs. being alone and drowning in self-pity. It sucks and I'm sorry you're going through it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyL Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I hate being alone. And I love being at my job. Part and parcel of being a high-functioning BPD. If we weren't, we'd be in jail. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stinkyboy Posted June 18, 2008 Author Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I hate being alone. And I love being at my job. Part and parcel of being a high-functioning BPD. If we weren't, we'd be in jail.Or living underneath a bridge somewhere. You ever wish you weren't so high functioning? I have. Being mentally ill and high functioning is such a curse in many ways i think. It's because people around you see you being good at your job and just assume that your together in other areas of your life when your not. It's just to much pressure for me at least. It means that i have to try twice as hard to appear normal beause other people think i am. It's maddening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amybluemoon Posted June 18, 2008 Report Share Posted June 18, 2008 I am the loudest most outgoing of all my friends, doing the craziest stuff on a night out, I am the most (well I think) enthusiastic person at work, then I come home all alone and think how pathetic I am and think about how much I hate myself.Everyone else looks like they're having a wonderful life but that's not true, you can't be happy all the time and lot's of people put on a front.You can't be brilliant in every part of you're life so try not to think about it and you'll get better without realising it.I'm off to moan at my cat about the rubbish day i've had - maybe have a glass of wine.-Blue- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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