Why Me Mum?

[charly24]

Dear Mum,

Why did all this shit happen to ya daughter?? I'm sorry Mum I CANT BE WHO YOU WANT ME TO BE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love you dearly but you just don't understand the shit i've been through. I try and tell you how things went shit between me and Karl and Chris but how could you possibly know or imagine waht them BASTARDS did to me. Karl was violent and shagged me when was passed out thro alcohol and bragged to his mates i felt used abused and violated i cried all the way home he raped me which ever way you look at it i was able to consent to that and if he had not of left the used condom on the floor i would never of known!!!!! Chris was violent and a cheat and a head fuck but Mum i LOVED him. So much Mum i would of died foe him and you know that already as when it ended i tried to end my life several times. He pushed buttons i dint know i had and he just pushed and pushed till i was on the edge. Thing is Mum i was a walking time bomb anyway as you know i was a disruptive teenager with bad attendance at school and bad behaviour. You knew i smoked weed all the time in 2004 and 2005 but it helped numb the mental pain and helped me sleep but use to wake up feelin more tired and depressed and wantin another fix been stoned was better than living this reality shit hole. Then the paranoia kicked in and Mum i really thought you were planning stuff behind my back and slagging me off. The thing is in my life i've come to the point where love is one sided know one loves me like i love them. I know its been hard since been diagnosed with BPD and depression but dont ya think its hard for me?? I cant get my arse outta bed some mornings cos thats where i feel safe am not gonna hurt myself or anyone around me. i am told BPD gets better with age but i dont think i can go any longer feeling like this am in a lonely painful world of my own and i cant stick it anymore.

love Carly xxx