I Need Some Good Advice

[Tray]

ok, i need advice, i dont know what to do... i dont want congrats, or anythin, i want practical advice...

i found out last nite I am pregnant.

i am so unsure of what i need/want to do.

i spoke to my cpn, and just had emergancy app with srink, who has said its my decision, i have stopped the seroquel, but if things get bad, he said that after three months, there is meds they can give me if i am really desperate.

i am due to start therapy this month as well, how will that go? will they still do it if i pregnant, cause im gona be more emotional aint i?

i am also on heartburn meds. the operation i had in feb has not worked. it was a big operation, that will take time to get over, but cause i on meds, lansaprozole and mottilium i am concerned that it may affect the pregnancy. i am due to have a few tests in a month or so to find out why the op not succesful, these inclued a barium and a camera down my throat. those cant be done with pregnancy. also i still cant eat proper food, still only really eating mashed foods, so i aint got a good diet.

also two weeks ago, cause we had an 'accident' i took the morning after pill, will that affect anythin?

i have read up on all the drugs i take, and their is nothin known really.

i have an app to see my GP tonite, to sort out stuff, and ask his opinion on the meds/morning after pill.

but i am scared. i aint stable, i know that, hell everyone knows that. i aint stopped crying in months. my SH and SI is high. i have an ED which I am scared is gonna get worse, cause i am already fretting about puttin the weight back on i have lost. i mean i aint a thin person, i am overweight anyway, but i dont wana get fatter. and what about work? i am being made redundant in dec/jan time. if i go off on maternity, do they pay me maternity (9months at our place) and then i get my redundancy money, or cause they have made me redundant, does the maternity pay stop and i dont get anthin?

what if i get worse and cant cope? how will i handle a crying baby?my best mate just had a kid, and she said u can never prepare yourself for the tirdness... i know how grumpy i get, what if i take it out on the baby?

i am sooooo confused. my BF is happy about it, we had discussed kids before, but decided that now wasnt the right time cause of the way i am, but he said he will support me, if the dr's think that its not a gd idea, then we will do what we have to, but i dont think i can go throu that again either.

i really dont know what to do, i am 4 weeks pregnant, so i only have a week to decide really...

i need advice, has any one been in this situation?the meds, the whole pregnancy and BPD combination?

ps im 32, time aint on my side...also no one knows except my BF and my best friend, so all my friends on myspace and facebook, please dont comment on this post, not that you would, but hey paranioa eh? aint it wonderfull...

[Fairy]

Tray, First thing first, you need to speak to your GP regarding the operation you have had and the medication you take for that. You are doing that tonight, so hopefully those medical concerns can be addressed quickly.

When people say having a baby is the hardest job, they often omit the natural maternal instinct to do that job, I woud try not to let such comments cloud your judegment.

You feel scared and under pressure, which is understandable, however, try and stay calm, see your GP and follow your heart.

I am not dismissing the enourmity of this situation, I know you are strong and need to take little careful steps. I am thinking of you.

Fairy xxx

[denise24]

Im not sure what to say, I no thats not helpfull but ill try my best....

Id look at it this way, if you get rid of it, will it make you feel worse than keeping it? I have had 2 miscarrages and once the hormones kick in you want the baby. I think it will hurt you more to get rid of it if im honest. Seriously, instinct kicks in something rotten

Try calming down about it hun too. If your partners going to support you through this, then you might start to feel better about it all.xxx

[Tray]

i have been pregnant before, and felt nothing... i think of how i would feel if it hadnt happened, and can see my life carry on ok...

i cant see myself as having a baby tho, but i have nothing to compare it too, i dont have kids,

i honestly dont know, i feel selfish for even thinking i wish it hadnt happened, cause i know people who want kids and cant, its horrid...

i have never been maternal, i dont have the first clue with kids to be honest, i know natural instint kicks in, hormones etc, but what if it doesnt?

i have moments where yea, it'd be nice... but thats the BPD talking, i know it is, romantasising the idea, but i aint sure if its the BPD thats telling me i cant...

[Fairy]

Tray, Your burden isn't for those that cannot have children, that is not your fault. As someone without BPD cannot carry the burden of our illness.

This is about you, be selfish if that is how you see it. I don't see it like that though.

If you have just found this out, with or without BPD you would confused and shocked, give yourself a little time.

Thinking of you.

Fairy xxx

[Benway]

hi,

i just read your post. i dont know what to say except that its your decision either way.

seriously, altho i dont know you so well, my thoughts are with you.

im bpd and have 2 boys- 17 and 12. i am glad they are older as im a single parent now. i didnt know i had bpd till my youngest was 7.

during their formative years and even since we split i have had more than my fair share of support from their father(s).

i got pregnant on m 1st very young and on purpose, and i wanted the baby very much. but that was me.

with the sensibility of age and experience i can say it can be very very hard , but it can also be a joy.

i wish you the best, whatever choice you take

anne marie

[fucktheworld]

This is very stressful and maybe it would help if you don't look at the whole picture at once but break it up into pieces.

First Piece: Your health

You still have heartburn. I don't know what kind of surgery you had but it must have something to do with your esophagus, or an ulcer or something that is still not healed enough the acid is still getting past that sphincter muscle. If it is related to your ed then the ed is a big issue.

Ask your doctor the tough questions:

Am I healthy enough given my recent medical background--eating habits-- to have a healthy baby?

If the heartburn you are having right now is limiting your diet is there a way to reduce it and still provide enough nutrition to support the baby?

Can you have another test to determine if this heartburn is just occurring because you haven't healed or the surgery didn't work? [i'm betting barium is out--radiation with a regular upper GI]

Will your medical issue get aggravated by your abdomen increasing in size?

Can you take your mh drugs while you are pregnant? Can you deal with the decrease? Are you taking a risk?

Get these issues resolved before you tackle the emotional side of motherhood, maternal instincts or anything to do with the choice to have it or not have it.

one thing at a time Tray and maybe it won't be so overwhelming

[Tray]

thanx FTW, that makes sense.

the surgery was to stop heartburn, a nissan fundipliocation (sp)

they used a part of my tummy to pull up and wrap around the bottom of my oesophogus to close the gap, as i have no muscle strenthg. increased weigh will make the heartburn worse, thats what i was first told as i overweight, thats why i have lost 30 kilo's, but the heartburn was still bad, so i had surgery in feb, it lasted 3 months before the heartburn came back. i am only on half the meds i was, but i still have slight burn now, and the diet restriction is due to the nature of the surgery. I basically had to follow the surgery for gastric banding, as the gap left was so small, hard, solid foods cant pass down, and thus get stuck and i regurgitate it, not nice!

i was anorexic when i was young, then put on lots of weight when i devoloped IBD, that i think was down to laxartive abuse... i have been bulimic since i was 15, damn this hard to say, i use food as a control, i binge/purge, but since the op, i cant be sick properly, just the regurgitation, and so i know i am starving some days, binging the next, trying to be sick, but it dont work.

i guess i must just sort out the health implications first. if thats ok, i need to think of my mental health, the shrink said after three months there are things i can take to help me throu if need be, so thats some reasurance i guess

thank you all for taking the time to read my woe's!!!

[Todash]

Hey hun...

1st...You need to see what feels right for you..no one else, just you. If having a kid doesnt feel "right" then please, dont force yourself to. I know its a personal decision...one I went through with my daughter earlier in the year. It has to be whats right for you.

2nd...once you decided. then you go from there.

Either way see your GP.

If you decide to keep the pregnancy, there are anti Depressants you can take...

Whatever your decision....I support you.

[Lance]

You know what Tray, since I recieved your text, that's all I've been thinking about. I just didn't know how to reply.

Now I've read through this topic, you've gotten advice from so many different angles, it's great to see.

So me? Well, I'm going to back up the idea of the natural side kicking in, it just does, it's in us all. But I also want to say something (I really don't have much adice, so I'll try words of wisdom instead, heh). I believe that you personally could benifit from this child quite a lot. Let me try and explain. A lot of us who suffer with mental health sometimes find it hard to find good reason to help ourselves, we just give up on our own wellbeing sometimes. It's like we search for a reason to keep fighting you know? Well perhaps this could be your reason. But it's not the only reason I can think of.

On a more personal level Tray, I honestly believe that you would make a wonderful mother and role model. Think about the career you are pursuing. You are so devoted to helping and caring for others. You have many self-issues, but your coping methods are so strong and positive. You haven't stopped helping me since our very first conversation. You are a born gem Tray, and personally, to know that you could be having a child to pass on to your soul's wisdom, well that just makes me smile. The world would be that one step further to perfection with another Tracy Jones

Tray, no matter what you choose, I will support you all the way, like you have done for me. If you ever need physical support, I will come down and visit you and help in any way I can. I hope that in time you could see this as a gift, not a burden. Love ya Tray, take care.

Peace, Lance

[Tray]

lance, that is by far the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me... i feel so much, warmth, at the moment...

i am so thankful to you, and everyone else on here for their wishes...

i went to the dr's, i have to send a wee wee sample to hospital tomoz, have appointment with mid-wife fri, and have to go see a specialist at the hospital as well, due to my meds, which he has advised i stop until then.

overall, i cant make any decision really until then, cause if i do think yea, then find its a no, i'll be gutted im sure, and same as other way round, so i am gona hang tight until then... my cpn has called today, and she gona call fri, so have support there as well...

please be aware of manyyyyyyy posts of me in the days to come, it helps to get me focused xxx

[Fairy]

Post away Tray, you are so brave.

Take good care of yourself.

Fairy xxx

[lucy]

I had postnatal depression after i had my son , the first four year of his life were an enormous sturggle and the maternal instict didnt kick in ive had to work at that. Ive hated my son. However i love him now with my whole heart i wouldnt of changed anything. If you decided to have the baby find out what support there will be if needed becuse when you feel low its harder to look. Sam was look after by a childminder - paided for through tax credits cause i got DLA, my hubby has a great support.

You may not need the support i did i also had social workers involved just offering support and advice. There is loads of support out there if you ask

Take the therpay yes you may be more emotional but it will help youy whatever you decide to do

My thoughts are with you

Take care

Lucy

[sundries]

Somebody else had a very similar issue about a year and a half ago but i cant remember what section it was in. there were some very very insightful posts on that. wish i could find it.

hope you can fidn a decision you are happy with.

[Tray]

well i have been having a think today, as u do, and i know one main worry for me is money, i have obsessive issue's with money, deap routed, but it makes me trigger, well have found out today that, as we are being made redundant form work in dec'ish, cause of how far the pregnancy will be by then, i will be goin on maternity the same time, they are, as a good will think, giving all on maternity a lump sum payment to pay out the maternity, so basically in dec, i wil get my redundancy (a fair bit been there 8 years) plus my 9 months maternity pay (we pay that long) in one lump sum, so money aint that much a prob is it? so thats one way to look positive...it seems like ideal time, cause it means i aint gota stress about another job, and i will be able to take the first year off with the baby easly...

so thats a sign aint it?

also just told my ex husband, he is happy for me, but understands the risks etc, so at least i have his 'blessing' if that the rite word, which does make me feel better somehow, i didnt wana upset him...

i still havnt made a decision, and i wont until i know that there is a decision to be made after i see the specialist

[Fairy]

Hang on in there Tray, I am thinking of you.

Fairy xxx

[Lance]

This is sounding really positive so far Tray. You're handling this very well, I mean that. The money issue seems to be good news so far. I think it's great that you're already seeing positives from this, planning out not too far ahead, but enough to know where to take your next step. Keep this up Tracy, it's all going to be alright in the end

Peace, Lance

[fucktheworld]

Yeah Tray you are being amazing!! I think you have much more strength than you realize.

:)

[wednesday]

You sound good Tray.

I just wanted to say something about ed during pregnancy. For me pregnancy was a little holiday from ed. Som little was expected from me-just grow the baby. No-one bothered me about being thin. However, I realise that I did not have your physical probs.. Keep in contact with your doctors. Once you are pregnant it changes everything, no matter what you decide to do.

[icu_baby]

Tray, I don't know you well enough and I know alot of people will say its your decision but my feeling is that this baby is a blessing, it really is a life changing event, to give birth to a new life in the world. I know alot of people complain about how hard it is raising kids etc but they don't tell you about the joy of it. If it was *me* I would have it and you have a supporting partner. I know hun you have alot of health and financial issues but if you do want children (and you are in your 30's) there really isn't a perfect time. I think maybe with a baby you might be motivated in different ways. If you are worried about postnatal depression, its ok, there is so much help for it these days and if you are aware of it you can get help. Also, with money, there are not many people in the world who are financially ready but remember you raise this baby over 21 years or so so you spread the cost, lol!

let us know what you decide hun, we support you whatever you do.

tc hun xxx

[Tray]

the way i see it at the moment, as does my best friend and ex hubby, its prob what i do need to calm me down, and it might give me a purpose to life, which i havnt really gotten.

timing wise, i dont think it could be much better. the redundancy from work, the payout i'd get would keep me set up for a while, it equates to a years wages, plus the 9 months maternity pay, which ourr place pay 90% wage for all of it, NHS worker you see lol, plus i graduate this year, so it would give me some time to get that dream job i want, i am moving back into my old house in two weeks, which is clean, and large, and has a great room for a nursery...

i am just so god damn scared!

the changes to my body.

my mental health.

bein responsable for a baby, i have never been around kids, i changed a nappy once, when i was 11! a few mates have kids, but i dont really have much to do with them,

i mean i stressin about my ED, but like wednesday said, maybe it will give me abreak from thinking about it? all i know is, since i found out, i have hardly eaten, but thats more, i have NO appitite at all, i think its cause i scared if i eat summat i shouldnt, or do damage.

i have to go see the mid-wife in a bit, so writing a lonnnng list of worries for her.

jeez, this is really happening... :unsure:

[Fairy]

:D

Fairy xxx

[icu_baby]

Tray, its natural to be worried and scared but I think your friends are so right.

Don't worry about your body and your weight. Not everyone gains weight while they are pregnant and if they do you can lose it by running around little bub.

I think this is an exciting area in your life. The timing is great.

Just eat healthy food full of nutrients and tuna!!

[sundries]

Hi Tray,

Yesterdays guardian had a whole supplement devoted to how to save money with baby costs.

You might be able to get it from the library or maybe they have it oline. otherwise i will email you some of the links and stuff it had (like to the sales some childirth charity has where you can get nearly new stuff for £5 thatwould have cost £50)

[Faerielight]

hey tray.. i ant to say congrats but it sounds like you've got lots of concerns surrounding it.. the maternal instinct dtuff, meds, money, ed.. i wosh i could advise but peeops have said lots of good stuff here.. my friend took the morning after pill and got pregnant and her child is totaslly fine..

just keep posting your feelingsd and thoughts. big hug, blue xx