I Need Some Good Advice

[Tray]

Yesterdays guardian had a whole supplement devoted to how to save money with baby costs.

You might be able to get it from the library or maybe they have it oline. otherwise i will email you some of the links and stuff it had (like to the sales some childirth charity has where you can get nearly new stuff for £5 thatwould have cost £50)

thanks sundries, that would be great! gettin to grips with the quote's look lol

thanx everyone, im starting to settle down a bit, im still numb tho, but i guess i need more time, my best friend just been and laughed at me, how niave i am... i didnt know baby's dont sleep in a cot straight away!

i need to read lots and lots and lots

[Fairy]

Hooray.

Fairy xxx

[Tray]

i have lost 3kilo's since tue! still cant eat much, just got no appetite, but i have been trying, just had a happy meal

im still waiting to see what the specialist says, but things seem ok.

i still dont feel anythin, i had a moment last nite, cryin etc, and i really wanted to SH, but made sure i wasnt around anythin that i could hurt myself seriously with, and i really wanted to be sick, but well, lack of food was a helping hand in not doin that...

its weird how i just feel so void at the moment, just hollowed out, empty, but not the normal emptyness i get, its like a no internal organs empty... does that sound weird?

i have the day off work tomoz, was suppose to be goin blackpool for day, but the car broken, so got time to chill

thanx everyone so much for giving me great advice, lots of love and hugs to all of you xxx

[Saharah Blue]

Just wanted to add my support during such a big time in your life. I have struggled with some of those issues as well. You are getting some really good advice from everyone. Just wanted to tell you I am really proud at the way you are able to handle it. You're doing a DAMN fine job Tray.

Sah

[lucyloo]

Just wanted to say follow your heart and ask lots of questions! If you want this to work, it will!

I had three children a long time before I was diagnosed, I suspect my sons ex has it too, so am more than clued up on the stresses and strains of babies and BPD.

The biggest battle I had, which I also saw in ex daughter in law, was once the hormones kick in, its as if you turn into an alien for around 18 months. I think all women suffer in this way, but with BPD it is an ott experience. I used to cry instead of getting angry. Sometimes I felt that no one around me could do anything right, I'd cry for what they didn't do to support me then cry for what they did do. It was a difficult time. But worth while and I wouldn't change it for the world. My children gave me direction and someone to fight for. They changed me beyond recognition.

At times, when they were older I struggle to be a proper mother, knowing this, I attempted to give them emotional awareness as a second best! It helped them and did work. They haven't all got to grips with life yet, but I can see in them my determination to get somewhere. The child I brought up without interferance from social services, schools and gp's is the most balanced of the three. The nicest and a joy to live with, even though he is only 17. So I can honestly say, if you put your mind to it, you can be a good parent and have a happy child. Just be aware of your problems and try to minimize the impact on a new life. It can be done so enjoy! I would love the chance to do it all again.

Love and best wishes Lucy

[Tray]

thanx for that. i guess one thing i am scared of is passing on my fuk'd up head to my child, but i guess we all have our own probs and ways of dealing with it, that they will learn by themselves.

i was only thinking last nite, my cpn has already started the ball rolling with parenting groups, expectant mother etc with BPD but cause i have a mental health prob, does it mean that social services are gona be aware and be a part of my life? i totally understand if they are, after all, thats their job, just, none of my family know yet about the BPD and i dont want them finding out yet, so it will al be confidential wont it, Social services and that?

i am still numb really, i dont have any emotions what ever, its strange and yet kinda freeing for the time being, i am actually able to concentrate on uni for the first time on months!

i am so happy that i have this place, i really dont know what i would do without u all...

[fucktheworld]

I think they must be bound by some confidentiality agreement. I don't think it would hurt anything to ask. I know many people have issues with the care system but it sounds like you have a good CPN.

You are doing all the right things Tray. You have considered the challenges and you have talked honestly and openly with your CPN. I think it is a good thing to have people involved in this and it will help you get over any bumps in the road ahead, if you have any. It is kind of like you are setting a system in place that will require you being accountable, accountability is a good thing, a mature thing.

I agree with you that this forum is amazing. There are so many women with kids on this site I think you have an endless supply of ears and hearts to help you manage this transition you are making. It is kind of like you too are growing right with your baby.

Keep posting Tray because it is fun for all of us to watch your transition, you can do this, in fact it is already happening.

[BelieveInMe]

Tray,

I know I am still very new to this site, but I do wish you well in whatever decisions you make. I know for me pregnecy was the best-- everyone around me said that was when i was the most stable. I had really good pregencies, which is not always the norm. I have worried many times about the stuff I will pass on to my children, and the damage I may cause them. I have two small children, ages 8 and 6, and I would not know what to do without them. My daughter has been dxed with ADHD and I have read a lot of information that says when one parent has BPD or other MH problems that this can cause children to have this disorder. Honestly she is doing quite well despite the disorder. I wish I could say that I am doing as well as she is, lol. My children are very loving and good children, and are as normal as any other. They are both very smart and well behaved most of the time. I guess what I am trying to say is that you do not need to worry so much about what you may pass on to them because of your own issues, most of the time children turn out just fine, if not more so than those in families without problems such as what we bring to the table. They learn to accept the obstacles placed before them and deal with them in the way we teach them. They will learn by example as well as through their own instincts. When my daughter began pulling her hair out and picking at scratches and sores, I was devestated but I found out that a lot of kids with ADHD also have impulse control problems. We changed her medication and she no longer does those things. My biggest fear was that somehow I had taught her how to SI in her own way, although my children have never seen me do those things. I had always taken pride in the fact that when I chose to SI myself, they were nowhere around to see it, and I could always give a simple explanation if they noticed the after effects. I think that if anything I learned how to to control it better because of what I experienced with my daughter. I also realized what I might have put others in my life through because of what I went through with her. I still have problems with SI, but I am getting better. I live each day as if it might be the last, and my children are the cornerstone of it all-- they give my life purpose and meaning. There are many times that I will not do for myself the things I can and will do for them. Some days they are the reason I continue to live. Please hang in there and no matter what you decide we are all here for you if you want and need us to be. Wishing you the best.

BelieveInMe

[sunshine_bear]

Wow Tray wasnt expecting that when I started to read lol.

As I have read further down the page it seems to me that you seem to be growing on the idea of been pregnant. Dont worry about not knowing what to do, my fiances sister had a little un' in Feb and she had never been round a baby and she picked it up pretty fast!

Whatever you decided we will all be behind you supporting you!

sunshinex

[Tray]

ok, so i have a dilema regarding uni...

as i posted, i failed my exam, so in order to graduate, i have to retake the course next year. course runs feb to oct.

last year, i was adv 75-85% on my essays, and then things got too much, i didnt submit the last essay and i flunked the exam. if i hadnt have done, i was on for a 2:1

this year so far, i have done really shite on the first two essays, the third was better, and i have three more to do, and an exam. If i can scrape a pass this year, not looking for much more, and then do next year again at the same level i was doing it, i will get a 2:2.

even if i get a third, i still get my GBR cause i started before the deadline, Tory you know what i mean.

my worry is this, can i study and look after a newborn baby? the baby is due end feb.

If i am to carry on and get my degree, i can afford to take the whole of next year of work, financially it is possible.

If i am not, i need to start back in work asap cause i will obv be on a lower wage as i wont be getting a job in my chosen field with a degree behind me.

also, as part of the course, i will need to go away for a week in july.

study is only round 12 hours a week.

my BF said that he can take the baby a couple times after work to his mom's etc so i have a few hours study time, and he will take the week off work when i go away.

do any of you think i can do it? do any of you think its a bad idea?

if i aint gona do it, i dont see the point in carrying on this year, it wont do me any favours.

i have struggled this year, due to depression and my bpd, but i am starting therapy soon, and hope thats gona help me a bit

argh, im confused!

[sundries]

It sounds to me like if you dont go for it you will slump into a depression.

If you decide not to do it, could you defer for the year? I know i did this and you are still entitled to student loan if you have deferred (and htey will pay the fees as well if you can prove illness/unexpected circumstances has contrinuted to your need to defer)

I think it will be very tough, but i think you can do it. Sometimes choosing not to and taking the 'safe' path can actually be a self fulfilling prophecy of failure.

[jenga]

Hi Tray

i am new to these forums, but just skimmed through your posts. I can see why you would be confused and anxious about all of this.

You are way ahead of the game because you already know so much about what has gone on with you, and knowledge is indeed power.

A quick note: I am older that you, 48 to be exact, and I have suffered for over 30 years from various diagnoses of depression, anxiety, adhd, bipolar, and finally BPD. It wasn't until recently that so much of what was going on with me started to make sense. i DO believe that the symptoms of BPD have been less intense than when I was younger. I also think knowing about it and veing in therapy really helps.

Ok, so to my point...I have 2 "grown" children of 18 and 20. It wasn't easy, but I personally was able to rise above my difficulties when I was raising them. i was so happy to be pregnant, I alwasy loved kids, buit I also found this new side of myself that actually helped me out in so many other ways. i saw how competent I could be, how easy it was to put their needs above me own, how much life and joy they brought me. Talk about unconditional love!

I was sorely neglected as a child, felt unwanted, unloved. and it has had a major effect on my life, my self esteeem etc.. But somehow with my kids I broke that cycle. My sensitivity became a plus, my intense feelings were channeled in the right way. I saw myself rise to the occasion and I have to say that, despite my troubles over the years, I did a damn good job with them. Everyone has their crap in life, but if you have loving devoted parents that teach you to feel good about yourself, then you are on your way. I don't know you except from the quick reading I have done here, but you seem like a kind, sensitive thoughtful woman. I know that you can do whatever you choose to.. and it will all be okay. Above all, take care of yourself and nurture a supposrt system. Don't try to be perfect, and forgive yourself when you need to. Sometimes we (people who struggle with BPD etc..) forget that so much of what we feel is also normal for eveyone to feel!

[Tray]

i hate to say this but i am so glad i have BPD, else i wouldnt have you lot to help me out

i really dont know what i would do, i really dont... thanx everyone

i guess the best i can do is try, at l;east then i can say i tried.

i am trying so hard to stay focused and grounded, it'd be easier if facebook was working so i could play games, bue still

my app has come throu with the specialist at the hosp, you know the emergancy one to make sure the pregnancy viable, its 23rd july, i will be 9 weeks by then... i duno why i am surprised its that long away, i wouldnt expect anythin else really.

i am still feeling ok tho, heartburn, but ok, i have to see my tummy specialist about that the end of july anyway, to see what can be done, meds wise now, untill then, its lots of rennie... i cant do gaviscon, makes me gag

still aint hungry, loosing weight, prob lack of alcohol tho to be fair! sooorrrreeeeee boobs, like u wouldnt believe!!!and they def gettin bigger, my bf loves it, i'll be like jordan soon!

apart from that, just a bit tired, its weird, i have a life growing in me, and yet, u wouldnt know to look at me... isnt nature weird

[sunshine_bear]

hey tray,

I hope your appointments all go well and keep us up dated with everything.

A glass of milk might help heartburn it does mine.

sunshinex

[Suicidal Smily]

My mom has really bad heartburn so she uses baking powder mixed with water to neuralize the acid. It might help you.

[Tray]

so to keep you up dated

got up his morning to find i was bleeding a little, have been to the hospital and have to go for an early scan on thursday, until then nothing i can do but to try and rest a little.

if things get worse,the bleeding, cause its only slight, or get pains or anything unusual,m i have to go straight back to the hospital, if not i just have to wait till thu, i suppose at leats then on thu, i shall know more about whether its viable cause i still aint be told it def is.

i am ok, bit tired, bit emotional, but gona try and rest, watch bit of tv and generally do nothing

x

[Tray]

so not much has devoloped yet...

i lost a blood clot, which was scary but nothing much since then, just spotting still when i go to the loo

i have period type tummy ache, and i think its gettin worse but that might be cause im paranoid about it, and i feel a bit sick still, like i do when my period starts

i shall c how i go over nite, if the bleeding gets worse, or i get proper pains, i will go to hosp

i have work tomoz as well, which is gona be a test, my friend thinks i should stay at home, but i cant really, and if its gona happen it'l happen anyway,

im gona have an early nite and see how i feel in the morning, thats my best option i think x

[Tray]

well i got up this morn and the pain got worse, so off i went back to hosp

they did tests, had a scan and an internal scan and...

everythings fine!

saw the sac and the blob that is baby in there, and also the heartbeat!very weird...

i didnt get a foto, cause its too early they dont give them you, but going back on 23rd july for another scan etc, so hopefully get one then...

but i am 6 weeks pregnant today, and everythin is progressing ok so far

still numb with it all, had a few tears between last nite and today, but not over emotional... guess now i seen it, i cant start to believe it scary!!!

thanx everyone for your kind thoughts and messages

[Pynn]

Wow... A little baby inside you... I'm so happy to hear everything is fine!!

Take care!!

Love,

Lynn

[ftfrgrl]

tray you can defs finish your degree with a new baby!! its easier than with an older child. i finished my degree with my first son and my masters with my newborn second son, now onto phd. you CAN defs do it !!! and i was totally on my own with the second child...

[Gin]

go for it. yes babies can be tough and all but they are so amazing and beautiful. And for those of us who have a hard time figuring out our lives purpose, becomning a parent kind of solves that.

once it's happened all you have to is to do your best. Your child will love you. My mom is a very bad bpd person and things were not easy growing up. But i have always loved her and we are friends now. I am truly glad that she had me and brother and sister.

and you are right, the clock is ticking tic toc

[SuperTues]

Wow

Intense posts Tray - congratulations are in order I feel?!

So how do you feel about being a mum? Other than all your obvious worries (money, health, sanity etc lol) - are you happy about it? Is it what you want?

What's happening with your man? Do you want to have him with you through this?

Damn your a brave and amazing lady!

You go girl xxx

[Tray]

i think i am sloweloy gettin used to the idea...

told the parents mon nite, didnt have much choice really cause of having to tell work. my mom very shocked, first thing she asked, what does lee (my ex hubby) think, to which dad said its nothing to do with him, go dad! and then she said well why now, why aint it happened before with lee, cause me and lee was together nearly 15 years, i thought jeezs thanks for the congrats! mart (my bf) parents were like yay we need a new baby in the family, but they already have 11 grandkids, so they handled it ok. his sister was like i didnt think u would, you ay the mother type, like i dont already know that!

my aunt and uncle, who pract raised me was proper shocked. their my dads bro and sis, mi lived with my uncle and grandparents, (the grandparents have passed away now) but my aunt was well happy she said aint it strange how it never happened with lee, must have been fate, not like my moms accusing why didnt it happen!

the bleeding stopped now, but i still have a bit of tummy ache and am really sleepy this week, guess its took it out of me a bit

mart is being supportive, he really wants this, we are still tryin to sort out stuff, like his twatty friends and that, but i hope we can sort iot out

x

[SuperTues]

Well fuck 'em - I think you're doing the right thing cos you seem really positive about it.

As I said before, you go girl and you know we'll all be here for you whatever happens xxx

[yorkiegal73]

they have plenty of time to get used to the idea now at least. i'm so glad everything is ok tray. i can't imagine what it must be like to see the heartbeat on a screen. :)