Such A Phony!

[stinkyboy]

I'm not sure where to post this but this is always my standby place cause my bpd affects everything i do and feel so here i go again. Started a new job and besides being tired, and having my feet hurt a lot i am feeling so worthless and totally intimadated right now. It's a very high profile job where i come into contact with rich, powerful and important people all day long. And then there's the women! In the last 2 days i've talked to and seen some of the most beautiful women i have ever seen in my life. And that's not good for a sex addict like me. But as a result, i feel like a worthless piece of shit. I mean i always feel that way but it's unusally bad tonight. I feel like such a phony, because my job requires that i maintain a very professional and friendly demeanor and i feel anything but that way on the inside. Well actually the friendly part is the real me but the act i have to put on for the client and general public is just not me on the inside in any way whatsoever. I could win an Academy Award for the perfomance i put on today. It's the curse i live with because i'm so high functioning in that way. But right now i feel like such a loser and i don't understand why i have to feel this way. Why can't i just give myself credit for being good at my job because i am you know, instead of always beating myself up like this? Did i mention the beautiful women? I don't know why i even go there because even if if one of them were even remotely interested in me which i'm sure none of them would be, i could never afford any of them because i'm so poor. lol. But that's a post for another day in another forum. Later, steven