A New Member Looking For Support

[sourmilk]

Hi all,

I'll try to keep this short and sweet.

I'm 22 and have BPD. Throughout my mid-late teen years, I was diagnosed with Bipolar, Impulse Control Disorder, and bulimia. During my last in-patient stint, I was diagnosed (correctly this time, I feel) with BPD. What other doctors rushed to "cookie cutter," my last in-patient doctor really pinpointed.

That being said, I had a rough time after highschool. Friends that hadn't already drifted away took the opportunity to become unavailable whenever I called, emailed, whatever. My boyfriend at the time was horribly abusive (most verbally and emotionally) and he took advantage of my illness. He would often re-inforce whatever mood I was in, especially the self-loathing, self-harming. I fell into a deep depression and turned to alcohol and drugs to self-medicate.

That relationship was the kind where the break-up lasts longer than the actual relationship (when I finally got myself to stay away, it had been 3 years) and by the end of it, I had no direction or sense of self-worth. I dropped out of three colleges, eventually moved back in with my parents and locked myself away with a bottle and whatever drugs I could find. I couldn't hold a job for more than a month or two. I gained a lot of weight, lost contact with the very few friends I had left, and my relationship with my parents began to fall apart quickly.

One friend who stuck around through all of this is now my fiancee. He was amazingly compassionate and understanding (or at least, he actually tried to be) and he gave me confidence to take steps to being a healthy, functional person again.

So here I sit, in my own apartment, off the drugs and working (alcohol is something I still struggle with). I'm in love, have two wonderful cats and have been so blessed with all of the progress I've been able to make this past year alone.

This brings me to the most latest development with my BPD. Recently, my anxiety has gotten uncontrollable. I've been off of medication for a while now and was doing okay dealing with my moodswings. I noticed it deteriorating in tandum with my menstrual cycle: PMS = crying fits, panic attacks, or rage that I couldn't contain. Now its gotten to the point that it sneaks up on me without any pattern or warning. I've had to call out of or leave work early too many days. I am currently on a two week hiatus so I can try to get things under control.

I have set up an appointment with a doctor down here, but thats not until Mid-August. I am getting a prescription from my old doctor to hold me over, but I don't want medication to be my longterm solution.

Does anyone have experience with a certain kind of psychotherapy that works well? I don't mind putting a bit of time into something, if it will help me learn to manage emotions and not take it out on those around me. I'm desperately afraid of losing all that I've worked so hard to gain this year.

Not so short after all, eh? Thank you for reading and I look forward to using this community for support and to support.

-Nicole

[Tammy]

Welcome to the site sourmilk, nice meetin you and I'm sure you will find lots of support here. Take care

[angel tears]

Hi

I have found psychotherapy has really helped me, had to go twice a week for 2 years then i quit for personal reasons but i think that with bpd the therapt helped me alot more than drugs and yes i am turning to alcohol at the moment as things r tough, not a solution just numbs the pain abit.

I am also off meds like you, just though i would let you know that i understand hunny xxxxxx

[ann51]

Glad you're here. Psychotherapy....cognitive and supportive...have been helpful to me. You may need both medication and psychotherapy at this time. Self-help groups (AA) have also been helpful. It's been a long process, but it does get better.

[jenga]

From what I have read in your post, this anxiety is getting worse, causiing you problems, and interrupting your work and life.

I understand your desire to not need or rely on medication as you try to work out your issues. HOWEVER, I also don't think you should feel badly for needing it at times. I am in a mood stabilizer that has helped when other meds did not. I also have anxiety meds for when I need them. I told my dr that I felt guilty for taking them them.

Her response was that if I had heart disease I would take medication...diabetes-insulin, etc... Having mental issues is no less real or legitimate. What I am saying is that if these meds can help you live a more peaceful life, keep you working which is good for you etc.., and make you more equipped to handle your problems, then why would you choose to NOT take them?

We have one life to live, and it can be a bitch. I say help yourself the best way you can so you can move on and enjoy some peace. Admitting our "weaknesses" or our diffrently wired brains can be a sign of strength, and so is taking care of ourselves the best way we can. I think we all have too many "shoulds."

It is great that you are making progress, and definitely therapy can be a big help. BPD usually includes different phases and diff challenges at diff points in our lives. For me, my best progress has been made when I am "stable", as it is hard to make progress when you are "in crisis". Using meds for right now if you need them does not mean that you will alwyas need them, but it could mean that you are more able to keep working on your life more productively right now. I say live in the present the best way you can, and the future will take care of itself. Oh, I don't know! Just trying to help...

Oh yes, and one more thing. I have done the alcohol thing as well.. still do sometimes. I don't feel that drinking to help your anxiety is a healthier way to deal with it than taking meds. I am much older than you, and for way too mnay years I self medicated that way and, the drinking begins to take on a life of its own, one that exacerbates bpd symptoms etc..

[wednesday]

I was moved by your email sourmilk.

I think you have done really well. The problem with this illness is that although having determination to get better can take you a very long way, that in itself is seldom enough to make you better. For me the illness would keep cropping up again in the form of anxiety or depression even if I did not act out.

It is a difficult decision whether to ask for help, because there are many negative sides to that to, like seeing yourself as sick and becoming caught up in the help you get. However, I really think that real relief has only come to me through psychological help.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[kib0ne]

Hi, it's a bit late coming, but a big warm welcome to the forum from me. Have you managed to take anything of the suggestions that have been made here; how are you doing?

[misterydwn]

Sourmilk, I was you 5 years ago. I am 27, have just finally recently been diagnosed, and it's been a really long, lonely, hard road since high school. I have a therapist I see weekly, which helps more than any medication. I was put on anti-depressants at 20, but they never really worked all the way. I also dated a bartender at 20, not a good idea. I drank so much from 20-24 that I think I gave myself an allergy to alcohol. It now immediately gives me a wicked headache and hangovers like no tomorrow. I met my husband when I was 24 and traded alcohol for weed, and we smoke everyday. I never cared that my friends smoked weed, but I could never bring myself to do it until I was really drunk, then I got sick so much from alcohol it was the perfect trade. It's the only thing that lets me feel "happy" and not anxious, hurt, lonely, depressed, hate my self. I'm am NOT advocating you do drugs, just relating to how you feel.

It's great that you have your diagnosis now and not five years from now. Throughout all the desperate drinking, I never fixed anything and made my life a whole lot worse. I lost many friends from my drunken escapades, had way too much unprotected sex, and wasted a lot of money. A TON of money.

Sometimes it is really hard to see my therapist because I think she really doesn't like me, is really busy, she only sees me because she "has" to, and it goes on and on. But after the last 10 years of hell, this is the only thing that makes any difference. And I have actually improved with handling situations. I still hate myself, every day, every minute. She has to point out to me when I have done something good, which is more and more frequently.

We even sold everything we own to move to another state, and changed our minds to stay with my therapist.

Eventhough it might feel like you are helpless and alone, you have a wonderful support in your fiance and you will find the right doctor.