Promiscuity....

[Nina of the Light]

[being with a man]

"It allows that old anxiety, the pressure in the air that tells me I might get evidence that I'M WORTH SOMETHING"

"This boy might want me, making me matter."

These are quotes from a new book I've just finished. Called "LOOSE GIRL... a Memoir of Promiscuity" by Kerry Cohen

I know there are some of us here, myself included that struggle with abandonment issues.

I've lusted and longed for a man's attention, been called a whore...been treated like a whore. I've searched for the meaning of love within another person. Man after man after man has come and gone with all my dreams and wishes of being worthy.

I've cheated myself out of good relationships to have the attention of a man that lasted only days or weeks.

Maybe you think I'm a fool. Maybe you think I'm a slut or maybe you just feel sorry for me. Either way, I know I'm not the only one who struggles with this type of behavior.

So this goes out to you, my friends, who feel lost and unlovable... who have given up who they are for the cravings of a man's devotion. To you, who have given into the need to feel attractive and cared for who go about it for all the wrong reasons.

Don't give up and don't give in. Love to all. Love yourselves.

Nina.

[Marchmadness]

Nina -

I can understand some of what you are saying, about wanting the affection. Yeah so

many of us do have issues with abandonment, so do people without BPD. Cause we

have a bigger issue with it, and may go to different lengths to feel loved, does not make

you a slut, whore or whatever other name you can come up with. When we were younger

there were so many of us that did not learn how or what love, caring, acceptance was

about the "appropriate" way. Please dont be so hard on yourself and judge yourself. You

are a good person Nina and you have a lot to offer.

Be good

March

[Nina of the Light]

Thanks March.

I think that book just really hit home for me. I know I've always felt alone with these types of behaviors and thoughts and just don't want anyone else to feel so lost.

My behavior runs me down and encompasses my whole value system for myself.

'Because of my promiscuity, I am damaged'.

not 'because I'm damaged, I'm promiscuous'. Make sense?

I appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Love, Nina.

[Pynn]

Woah... this hit me hard... *cries*

Thanks Nina, for letting me know I'm not alone.

And for letting all the other people know too...

*hug*

[Marchmadness]

Nina -

Wow do I understand heck yeah!!!!!!

That is a very profound thought you have there. And no you are not damaged -

the words you use have a direct impact to how you will feel about yourself. You

have issues that you are working on yeah, but doesnt mean you are damaged -

March

[Nina of the Light]

Pynn:

No, dear. We aren't alone and if you ever need someone to understand, I'm here.

I emailed the author and she actually responded and said she appreciated my letter. I'm stoked.

Take care.

Nina.

Marchy... love ya babe. and thank you.

[Nina of the Light]

Has anyone overcame this behavior? And if so, how did you do it?

[foreverborderline]

This is so me - I feel ya

[Pynn]

Nah, can't say I have overcome this behavior Nina...

I keep telling myself, that I won't do it again, but somehow it's hard (it feels impossible) to not get caught up with it again. I keep trying to say no, but the rush, the attention... it's just too much. I know it's wrong, but I crave it so much.

Lots of underlying issues here obviously, I won't bore you with them lol.

And if anyone else has suggestions how to overcome this, please share! :unsure:

[Lance]

I'm really not sure what to say, but was driven to reply anyway. I'm a man myself, but this has really got me thinking. You have an amazing mind Nina.

Hmm, I'm really not sure how this is making me feel, but I'm feeling something! How bizarre, how bizarre...

Peace, Lance

[Nina of the Light]

Thank you, Lance. It means the world just knowing that someone is actually reading my posts. lol....

I appreciate you taking the time and energy to respond.

Love,

Nina.

[Pynn]

By the way Nina, did you overcome this?

[Nina of the Light]

No, Pynn. Unfortunately not as of yet.

I still pine away for the warmth of just a small bit of attention from a man. I still hold my breath waiting for a man to talk to me, look my way, smile at me and want me.

I flirt and tease and bat my eyelashes. I nudge and hug and am aware of my body language at all times. I still do my hair, put on makeup and dress to the nines pretending that I didn't spend 5 min on myself. lol....

I taunt and lure them in and hold them there showering them with attention and sweet softness until they can't get enough. I ride this out until either I'm left or I get tired of it and move on.

Boy do I sound like a femme fatale or what? geez.

Not impressed with myself right now at all. It's hard facing this but I appreciate the conversation b/c it's making me look at my behavior clearly.

Ya know some years back I cleaned out my jewelry box and I had 9 engagement rings???? Isn't that just stupid? I was like WHOA. But it's all chalked up to the game. Of wanting and needing attention so bad that I become everything that man has ever envisioned or lusted after until they feel like they've found the perfect mate. God, I'm horrible.

I need a new disclaimer.

How about you? You ever gonna conquer this?

[Pynn]

I hope I will, hell I'm going to try my very best!

But for now, it's much what you just described. You just held a mirror in front of my face lol...

As of late haven't done much of it, since I don't go out... at all anymore. But I know I'll fall right back into that pattern if/when I do go out again.

[Lance]

I'm still really intrigued by this...still don't know why >_<

Nina, I've read everything in this topic, but I wanted to ask, is this actually to do with the men you are with and how they treat you? By that I mean, do things come to an end because of them, or is this because of your own feelings? Hmm, not sure if I worded that properly as you've already said about your feelings and actions. I can't find a way to say what I want to...

Am I right in seeing it as, you push them and push them to like you so much that they stay, but you don't try and get to know them themselves? I'm feeling for you sweetheart, I really am. It sounds like a complex and hard thing to deal with. I wish you all the best Nina and hope that you will encounter somebody who will understand all of this and stick by you to work through it.

@ Lynn. Wow...you feel this way too? I didn't realize... If I may say angel, this...it makes the relationship we have seem even more special. If this is what you have been trying to tell me might happen, Lynn, you have no need to worry. I'll work through this with you. And if you ever feel you have to move on for whatever reasons you have, I'll wait. You can always come back to open arms.

Peace, Lance

[fucktheworld]

:(

[Nina of the Light]

Why the sad face FTW???

[Pynn]

Lance... Lance, Lance...

I tell ya, I'm going to marry you.

Yeah FTW, why the sad face? And why did you delete your post?

I hope you're ok!

[Nina of the Light]

Lance,

I took some time and thought about the question that you asked me and the answer I came up with is ..... both. ????? lol... I'm confused, really. It has everything with them wanting me and not necessarily treating me well. I love it more to have them be sweet and affectionate but I'll also settle for them wanting me just to sleep with me. Sometimes I will sleep with them, but it's not about the sex... it's about the attention and the fact that THEY PICKED ME.

More commonly a flirtacious exchange of touching and teasing and lusting after will fill the hole.

And to answer about knowing them... I do get to know them... through and through. That's how I manage to keep them around. I conform to their identity and become exactly what they are searching for. What I don't do, is let them know ME. That's off limits. That is mine to keep. Some have come close and others closer but no one has got me all figured out in any respect.

Secret: I do have someone in my life who has stood by all the BPD ups and downs and downs and downs (lol) but I still can't exist without attention from other men. My whole value system relies on what some people who I deem worthy, thinks of me. Fucked up isn't it? If I don't win over a man who I'm trying to win over.... I feel ugly and worthless. But when they get roped in I feel powerful and fulfilled and beautiful. I feel WORTHY of their attention. I feel like I matter. I feel like I'm somebody.

Sometimes I can end it, more times I get left. The times I've ended it, I've had another man on the back burner ready to replace the hole.

It is complex and excruciating and hard to understand how my validation relies so heavily on someone else. Am I right to assume you and Pynn are a couple? Or just good friends? Either way, love her and realize it never is about having real feelings for the other man and has everything to do with the way their attention makes us feel about OURSELVES.

Namaste,

Nina.

[Pynn]

Woah Nina! Thank you for describing everything I could not. It is exactly the way you say it is. I'll be worshipping you from now on

Really, I have nothing else to add. It's a terrible thing to deal with, but knowing that there's a reason for my behavior, and that I'm not alone in it, really comforts me. I always thought I was just a slutty girl who needed to do some serious growing up

Thanks again, Nina.

And to clear the thing about me and Lance... Definitely good friends. Anything more? Possibly, but we don't know... yet

I guess it's complicated...

Love,

Lynn

[Lance]

Nina....wow. You are simply amazing. Honest to gosh, I have no words to follow what you said. Thank you so much for for explaining that, and taking the time to think about it. Means a lot to me. But that aside, you're just inspiring. Gosh I can't even get my thoughts into words (which is VERY unusual for me...). I'll just say once again, I truly feel for you and understand you (much better now) and my wishes and hopes are with you. Imagine I just handed you the most beautiful bunch of flowers and a kiss on the cheek

Am I right to assume you and Pynn are a couple? Or just good friends? Either way, love her and realize it never is about having real feelings for the other man and has everything to do with the way their attention makes us feel about OURSELVES.

Thank you...

Lance... Lance, Lance...

I tell ya, I'm going to marry you.

I shall have a ring waiting.....I just need your size?

And to clear the thing about me and Lance... Definitely good friends. Anything more? Possibly, but we don't know... yet

I guess it's complicated...

Well, seen as it's now gone public, I love Lynn to bits, and if this works out, we'll be each other's saviour. But I believe that's already the case. By the way Lynny, remind me tomorrow that I have some photos of the beach where we will be staying

@ Nina. Damn, really sorry to get so off topic! Forgive me

Peace, Lance