Struggling To Eat Healthily

[orankey]

I havent got an eating disorder but I might as well have one. I have been told over and over again that I have a binge eating disorder.

Due to what binging has done to my weight I have become obsessive with loosing weight.

Over the past few weeks I have been limiting what I eat. Some days eating nothing at all. Over the last few days I have been binging big then going and purging everything that I have eaten.

This happened for me last night again. I ended up Binging. Then Purging. Then sitting in the shower for over an hour and cutting myself cause I feel so bad about what I am doing.

It is making me feel so depressed and Not making me happy at all.

I thought I was starting to get into control of my extreme feelings and now this is happening and giving me a whole new lot of feelings. I hate feeling like this.

I feel like I am loosing control of myself when I give into temptation and eat

I dont know if I can handle living with this. I so badly want to loose the weight, but at the same time I know that the way I am doing it is very unhealthy. I konw I should tell a health professional, but I just cant get the courage to tell them.

What do I do??? Some of my friends know. They have threatened to tell but I have convinced them not to. I have almost told but just find it too hard.

[yorkiegal73]

I think the important line there is ''It is making me so depressed and not making me happy at all''.

There's your reason to go to the doc hon. You know what you're doing is bad for you. You know it won't make you lose weight, probably the opposite. I swap between binges and cutting too. Reward and punish. Reward and punish, only now i'm getting confused about which is which. Both behaviours are highly addictive.

It's hard enough to lose weight for 'normal' people without the added factor of binge eating disorder. Why don't you think you have an eating disorder?

The way I see it is that you can go see a professional, get help and maybe find a way to have a better relationship with food.

Or you can look back on this post in years to come and think ''shit, why didn't i go see the doc then?''.

I wish i'd got help in my twenties when i was big but not morbidly obese like now. I'm going to my first eating disorders support group tonight and am crapping myself about it.

[skylace]

Hi Orankey.....

I am no expert but I would say that you DO have an eating disorder. Your relationship with food isnt what would be classed as "normal".

It isnt easy seeking help but I agree with yorkiegal - it is far better to ask for help now than looking back in years to come when things like this inevitably spiral out of control. Of course, it isnt easy to address these issues - but if you can get your relationship with food back to a more stable level, hopefully it will help in many ways.

It saddened me to read your post because I can really relate to it - I went from compulsive overeating to bulimia pretty quickly and also SH along the way.

You are abusing your body - binging/purging is just another form of self harm. I really hope you can find the courage to speak to a health professional - they may even be able to put you in touch with a dietician who can give you valuable advice.

Please be careful - purging can be so dangerous - I never listened when people told me and my purging became pretty bad to the point where I was vomiting a lot daily and taking 20 laxatives. But there IS a way out of this - please get help because it can get out of control VERY quickly and I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

xx

PS: yorkiegal - how did your ED support group go?

[yorkiegal73]

a bit rubbish tbh, but i'll give it another try in two weeks.

[skylace]

Sorry to hear that yorkiegal - stick with it for a while tho before you make any decisions - it might improve!!

[orankey]

I have read your posts and all I can think about is how much people will think that what I am doing is something that I am doing to deliberately make myself sick. I have already had someone tell me that.

I am just to afraid to ask for help. I dont know how to ask for help.

I am going to see my case manager this afternoon. I might ask him if I might be able to have his email address so I can send him an email about it. That is the only way that I can think of telling any health care person.

I definately hear what you are saying. And I will do my best to tell someone.

[mitzi]

Hi Orankey

I understand how difficult it must be for you to actually go to someone for help but I think it is very important that you do so. Binging and purging is very bad for one's health and if not stopped in time can get out of control.

Please try and find a doctor you can go to. I know its hard for you but they would really be able to help you and would be able to put you in touch with someone like a dietician who specialises in eating disorders and who could explain what healthy eating means and how not eating or binging could destroy your health.

I'm sure you will feel so much better once you have taken that first step and make an appointment to see someone.

Take care

Mitzi

[orankey]

OK.

So I have my CM email address now.

I told him that I have something that needs to be dealt with but I just cannot talk about. I told him that I would do my best to email him the problem. I dont actually know if I will be able to.

I think the only way that it will get dealt with is if he notices the sudden change in my weight.

I know that they will find out eventually but I jsut cannot speak about it to health professionals.

I can speak fine with my friends.

I guess that I am just doing what I feel I should do to loose the weight even though I kow it is the wrong way.

I am so stuck in trying to ask for help. I just dont have the guts to :(

[tripper]

Orankey I can't stress enough how important you tell someone who can help you, although I know how hard it is to tell them at times. I think having his email addy is a very good idea. I have the email addys for everyone involved in my care and find it easier to email rather than talk face to face what is going on. I have also seen some of your thinking in relation to food and I can attest that it isn't a normal healthy outlook to food, eating and dieting at all. You need to regain some control back before it takes over, then it will be all the much harder to beat.

[orankey]

As much as I now have the email address I just cant summon up the willpower to send an email.

I have been booked in for a clinic with the pdoc on wednesday and I am afraid that it has to do with my eating.

The pdoc who I am seeing is a wonderful person and when I am an IP she is encouraging me to eat even though I do not want to.

It is so frustrating.

I have started to read through my diary and I certainly can see how 'abnormal' my thinking about food is.

I keep two diaries. One for my thoughts and one for what I have actually eaten.

As today was weigh and measure day I was able to see how much I have lost in the last week.

It was so much that I am very happy with my progress and dont want to stop.

I also realise that the Purging is something that is not normal.

I cant help it though.

In the past week everytime that I have looked at food i have felt sick.

I try to make myself eat food but feel very guilty and sick.

When I do actually eat I purge after. Everytime.

I know this is not right but I just cant help it.

I am so afraid of food now. Everytime that I go out I am afraid that I will eat and eat and eat and not stop.

When I am at home and I eat I binge to the extent where I am making myself sick.

Either time I am purging after. I just cant stop. It is something that is wrong. I know that but I just cant stop.

[orankey]

I did it.

I sent the email.

I am shaking.

I am so scared of whats going to happen.

HELP!!!

I don't know if I can wait for him to read it.

I can feel a panic attack coming on.

This is not good.

I think I am going to leave now.

I think I am going to cry.

[ann51]

Please let us know how things go.....we're here.

[tripper]

You know I am only a text message away orankey. Support is a two way street my dear and I'm willing to support you as you have me.

Please let me know how it goes.

[orankey]

finally the wait was over today...

I went to my appointment at the hospital with the pdoc and my cm.

I cried.

The doc wanted me to talk about it but I didnt want to.

Finally she asked me questions and I answered.

I am getting a referal to the healthy living section of the hospital

They said it was good that I am speaking about it now cause if it had been any longer then it may have been too late.

I dont think I am going to be able to change the pattern that I have gotten into though.

I have to wait for this appointment and that could take up to two weeks.

They said that they may refer me to the RBWH possibly to speak to the eating disorder team there...

I dont want to have anyone help me now.

I am fine doing things the way that I am.

Once I loose the weight I will be fine.

it is just getting it off that is the problem atm.

I was not going to eat yesterday but people made food for me when I was out so I kinda felt bad if I hadnt of eaten it.

I felt bad anyway.

So I went home and binges and then purged.

I couldnt help myself.

I had eaten and had to purge and I wasnt sure how much food was in my stomach so I eat more so there would be something to purge.

I am not eating today.

I might eat tomorrow.

I am just going to take one day at a time.

Decide the night before if I will eat then follow that through.

I feel bad if I have broken what I said I was going to do.

I cant help it.

It is just be trying to loose weight.

I dont know what else to say.

I have another appointment with my cm on friday.

I know that my eating habits are going to be the topic of conversation then.

I feel that I have control over myself if I can get through a day without eating.

I feel like I can do anything.

Well. That is about all from me for now.

Will keep you updated on what happens.

Christine

[Nagual]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling with your weight and that it is making you so unhappy. I was 20 stone last April and I now weigh 15 stone. By December last year I had reached 13 stone but have somehow drifted back up to 15, which seems to be the weight at which my body wants to remain.

The main way to lose weight is to eat fewer carbohydrates, e.g., sugar, alcohol, pasta, rice, spuds, fruit etc. You obviously need fruit in your diet but not too much. To fill up you need to eat a lot of protein and fat. Also consume things like green leafy vegetables. For snacks have things like olives and peppers. I usually eat no carb's at all until after about 2pm.

When I've stuck to that diet then I've lost weight. Any other diet causes me to put on weight irrespective of how much exercise I get.

The good thing about the diet outlined above is that as long as you limit the carb's you can eat as much of everything else as you want (whereby, because it's pretty filling, you won't want much).

You might find that you react to some things like dairy products, which will cause you to retain water as part of a bodily reaction against it. This will show on the scales - remember a litre of water weighs about a kilogram. It's just a matter of trial and error.

Anyway, if you are eating for any other reason than that you are hungry then you do have an eating disorder, whereby the disorder could simply be that things taste great and feel great in your mouth and you are unable to resist that. In that sense you would be more or less addicted and like many addictions that have negative consequences it should not be denied that feeding the addiction feels bloody great and that leaving off will inevitably cause a certain amount of distress.

I can only tell you that I am also addicted to eating and that if you can get through the first few days and stick to the above eating plan then things will get better. Everything will start to taste sweeter and more flavoursom and you will have less of a craving for sugar and carb's. If I let my hair down on a particular day and indulge in say a bowl of muesli for breakfast then I lose all traces of willpower and just munch carb's all day long. I do this deliberately from time to time but before I do so I make it clear to myself that I will see a weight gain the next day and I prepare for it mentally. Then I can ease back into the stricter regime.

I wouldn't worry about cholesterol at this point. If you are hacking into your flesh on a regular basis then that is very much worse than any amount of cholesterol you may accumulate in your body and anyway I read an interesting book by a Swedish author who reckoned that much of the cholesterol hype in the media is based on flawed research and amounts to a myth that is knowingly propagated by the pharmaceutical companies selling - you guessed it - anti cholesterol drugs.

So in summary - never harm yourself - call someone if the urge takes you and say "I am about to cut into my flesh with a knife" and see if they can't convince you not to. Eat few carb's - none before about mid afternoon and then only a small amount. Eat lots of protein and don't worry about fat. Keep your eye out for intolerances to things like dairy products and bread etc., which will cause you to swell up. And eat lots of greens, olives, peppers etc. If you do binge once in a while then be grown up about it: know in advance what the consequences will be and be prepared to accept them and start again after the binge.

I'm not an expert and I hope none of that sounds arrogant. I do know how hard this is for you and I do feel for you and I am certainly by no means complacent about my own weight loss to date. I am aware that I remain a food addict and that I will have this struggle all my life. I will have set backs as will you but we will have to live with that.

Best wishes.

[charliesgirl]

good on u for talking about it, am thinking of u hun xxxxxxx

[orankey]

Hey everyone...thanks 4 ur relpy charliesgirl and naqual. I have read what you have written but I really dont know how I can change the habits that are forming.

So I have seen my cm a few times since I last posted.

It is now something that I can talk about without any worries....well with minimal worries anyway.

It certainly does feel better now that it is out in the open.

I am still hiding things though...and hiding them bad.

I ate well almost 'normally' 2 days in a row before my weigh and measure day and was very dissapointed when I did weigh and measure myself....

I had put on 6cm and only lost 1kg.

I didnt eat at all that day.

In the last two days I have vomited three times and I am afraid that I might do it again tonight.

It was everything that I had eaten that I vomited up.

I just cannot stop myself from doing these things.

I am still waiting for the referal to the dietician or whoever it is that I need to see.

I just dont want to see anyone cause it will slow down the weight loss then I will get back into this pattern anyway.

I am going out tonight.....I know that I will have to eat....

The thing is that I will feel so bad afterwards that I will go home and binge then purge anyway.

I know that it is the wrong way to be living but I cannot stop it.

The harder I try to stop it the more tempted I am to do something like overdose or cut.

I dont want to do either of those things cause of how long I have gone without doing them.

Also cause I will feel week in all areas then.

It wont just be in cutting or ODing but also being week with food and weight control.

I am getting so frustrated.

I dont know what to do.

I know that if I dont see anyone within the next week then I will for sure have too much trouble getting out of the situation that I am getting inot now.

I know that I wont be able to get out of it.

I need to see someone now or it will be too late.

I have my secret stass of diuretics that I am always wanting to take....

I have only taken them once....I know that I will probably take them more soon.

I am afraid and I am weak.

I wish I were strong.

I just cant get through without the proper help and I know that I am not getting that at the moment.

my cm told me that the pdoc wants to set up a meeting so we can determine some goals.

I told him that I already have goals.

He seems to think that my goals arent realistic and that they arent going to get me anywhere.

I feel like everything that I am working towards is going to get sabotaged...

I mean it already is getting sabotaged....they just cant see it yet.

i cant do this anymore.

I just want everything to end.

I keep thinking about killing myself...

I then start to think about how sad my mum would be.

I know that I cant die cause it will break her heart.

that is one of the reasons why I am still alive.

cause i dont want to break my mums heart.

i am doing this for her.

when i told her that i have started to loose weight she was so happy.

i havent seen my mum happy like that is so long.

i have to make her even happier....

when i told her that i got a job she was evehn happier.

now i have to make her pround.

i will make her proud and dad too....maybe....if he can possibly be happy with something that i do.

guess i will have to try harder.

i can do this and i will

[Nagual]

Blimey missus you're in a bad way! None of us here are experts - otherwise we wouldn't be here; but we all live through similar struggles and have good times and worse periods. During a good period, which I happen to be in at the moment, it is very hard to remember how bad things can get and it is also very easy to dispense glib advice. So there's nothing I can say that is an absolute clincher - that will cause an instant change in your behaviour. But I will say two things that I know are definitely correct:

The first is - don't kill yourself. I don't want it to happen and I don't even know you. Forgetting the effect your untimely death would have upon those who do know you, ask yourself this: would you want to kill yourself if you weren't suffering from your current mental torments? I think you wouldn't. That being the case, surely your focus should be on changing the mental situation, not ending your physical life. So for that you will need to get into a therapy and not worry about things like whether or not they will sabotage your efforts to date. Your efforts in their current form don't seem to be working so there's no need to carry on with them. If you kill yourself you are giving away everything: your body; your mind; your spirit; your history; your family and friends, and any semblance of control. So why not just keep most of that and hand over the control bit to someone who might be able to help.

The second thing I would say as a father is that you don't need to make your parents proud. I know that your parents love you - fullstop! and have done since the day you were born. I don't know whether or not they can express that but you can believe it. Whatever, you shouldn't be living for anyone else anyway: you yourself are entirely valid and worthy of living as are all human beings, simply by dint of the fact that you were born.

Why is being weak such a big deal? Why, for that matter, is being fat so bad? Granted, you don't want to be fantastically obese but the typical Barbie Doll figure that women seem to strive for is unattainable for 90% of the world's female population. Just eat what you eat and keep it in your stomach. Only keep healthy things in the house so that you can't suddenly up and scoff 26 chocolate bars in the middle of the night.

Anyway, I don't know what I wanted to say and I'm nobody with any brilliant track record in affairs of the mind but I do want you to know that you are not alone.

[orankey]

Thankyou so much.

I dont really know what I can say at the moment.

Just thankyou

[charliesgirl]

Thinking of u, hope u r ok. Keep talking & posting it helps getting stuff out there if u can.

lol xxxxx

[~LouLou~]

I havent got an eating disorder but I might as well have one. I have been told over and over again that I have a binge eating disorder.

Due to what binging has done to my weight I have become obsessive with loosing weight.

Over the past few weeks I have been limiting what I eat. Some days eating nothing at all. Over the last few days I have been binging big then going and purging everything that I have eaten.

This happened for me last night again. I ended up Binging. Then Purging. Then sitting in the shower for over an hour and cutting myself cause I feel so bad about what I am doing.

It is making me feel so depressed and Not making me happy at all.

I thought I was starting to get into control of my extreme feelings and now this is happening and giving me a whole new lot of feelings. I hate feeling like this.

I feel like I am loosing control of myself when I give into temptation and eat

I dont know if I can handle living with this. I so badly want to loose the weight, but at the same time I know that the way I am doing it is very unhealthy. I konw I should tell a health professional, but I just cant get the courage to tell them.

What do I do??? Some of my friends know. They have threatened to tell but I have convinced them not to. I have almost told but just find it too hard.

Hi Orankey,

You sound so very much like myself.

I was first prescribed anti-psychotics at 16 years old. They made me gain an incredible amount of weight. I was constantly hungry and would binge on extremely large amounts of food. I went from a healthy 10st 7lbs to 17st within a very short period of time. I was in an absolutely terrible state at the time and had just been admitted to a psychiatric hospital and my extreme emotions just caused me to binge even more as a coping mechanism.

Now 7 years down the line I am the complete opposite. I am completely obsessive about my weight. I will go days without eating anything or eating very little at all. The very little I eat I will normally purge. Some days I will purge even when I have only been drinking fluids. Like you I know what I'm doing is extremely unhealthy, but when I see the numbers on the scales go down each week I feel this sense of power. I can't control or find it extremely hard to control all other aspects of my life, but weight is something I can control. I can control what I eat!

In the last 4 years weight has always played a significant part in my life, but the last year and especially in the last 10 months it has begun to spiral out of control. I have told my doctor and my psychiatrist about my concerns, but each and every time other aspects of my life such as my BPD or OCD seem to overshadow my issues surrounding my weight and food. I am now a healthy weight for my height and because of this they don't see it as a concern and that worries me considering I have lost a substantial amount of weight in the last 3 weeks.

Well done for talking about it. I know that it is so, so hard and by talking about it now I really, really hope that your doctors realise your issues before it spirals completely out of control. Please keep us updated on how you are doing and if you need to talk feel free to contact me.

Take care.

Loulou

x

[orankey]

hey, thanks....

My CM has reffered me onto the healthy lifestyle program.

I told him my concerns about that though....

It doesnt start until the end of september....that is a long time to wait and so much happens in such a short time.

He is still trying to find the phone number to refer me onto the outreach eating disorder program.....i wish he would hurry up:(

[John23]

Orankey, how is it possible that you can get obese and losing weight at the same time? I am hearing this for the first time . Eat only when you are hungry, do not eat just because it is the time to eat .