Ulrica Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 I first got diagnosed with anorexia back in '97 I was then 41kg (approx. 90lbs/6½st), I'm 5'8". I was declared recovered in '98 when I reached my target weight of 58kg (approx. 127lbs/9st). I put on loads of weight when I was on my meds (about 3st) but was at the same time so doped up that I just didn't care. Came off my meds and lost all the weight in about six months. Now, the thing is, I am finding myself restricting my food intake, again. I haven't eaten properly for about two weeks and I now weigh 52kg (approx. 114lbs/8st) and I still feel fat. I pinch my thighs and my stomach and just feel flab and fat (logically though I know mostly is just skin). It's gotten much worse since I stopped cutting (though I had a relapse a few days ago *smacks own head*) and I feel it spiraling out of control. I've always had one or more addictions in my life, be it food, drugs, alcohol, SH, money, sex...whatever. And now when I've been without for a few weeks I've felt so lost, angry and in so much pain. I know me dealing with the pain is a good thing but I've had so many flashbacks and things that have started coming back to me and I just can't cope with it. My psychologist is on holiday and the day center is closed for another couple of weeks. I can feel myself slipping back into old patters of my ED (I've always odd fixations with food even after I was declared recovered) and it scares me but I just can't stop myself. I know I need to eat to get better. I know I need to eat not to pass out (I have very low blood pressure and not eating makes me very, very dizzy). But still, I am not eating! Gah! I just feel stupid, worthless, ugly and fat, fat, fat. I so want to eat but I can't because when I have nothing to escape to I have to face all of the pain, and it's just unbearable. I so want to slip back into my ED so I'll have something else to focus on but I know what hell it was first time round. I just feel so lost. I don't know what to do, think, feel... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ann51 Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 Hey....I wish I could offer good advice. I feel your desperation. Would it help if you drank a nutritional drink? And take some vitamins with it? I think that your psychologist being on vacation and the day center being closed might be stirring a lot of this up. I relate to what you say about having one addiction or another. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 Yes, Vitamins r a good idea...those flinstone childrens chewables r ok taste wise. And Carnations instant breakfast is awesome tasing. Hope you feel better soon. Photogenic wise you look fine, tiny already sweetie! I know you don't believe that but I hope you feel better soon. Be kind to your body. Get some way to keep your electrolyte level up, like Pedia water, taste like fruit, lil ones drink it if dehydrated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostinme Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 i am in the same situation, i dropped to 27kg in dec 2006 and only just made it out of hosp a couple of months ago. after them gettin me up to 9st+ im now down to 8 and still dropping, i dont want to stop, but i dont want to go back into hosp either, and its hard. im trying to make myself eat a certain no of kcals a day and i count it obsessively altho the problem is the amount i allow myself seems to keep reducing. im also trying to snack even if it be on fruit because atleast then my blood sugar stays more stable. like everyone says concentrate on vitamins and minerals, make sure you keep drinking and if all you can manage to eat is fruit or salad, or whatever just keep at that in however quantitys you can manage, because anything is better than nothing.probably not the best advice comin from an anorexic i cant do it myself but i hope it helps *hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulrica Posted August 2, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 2, 2008 Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I'm already on vitamins. Having been veggie for over 12 years I've always taken vitamins to make sure I get a good amount of them, also not eating properly in cycles makes me always take them... Better to be safe than sorry I think. The electrolyte thing is a good idea, hadn't thought of that. I drink tons of coffee too... not helpful. I'll go and buy some once the pharmacy opens on Monday (yes, Sweden is a strange country). Managed to eat some low fat vanilla yogurt today. And a friend is coming over and making me apple crumble later. He's doing his best to cheer me up and cook tasty things, bless him. Hopefully I'll manage to eat some of it.lostinme, sometimes I think one is more willing to listen to people going through the same thing, and I do think your advice is good so don't worry about that I can so relate to what you're saying about restricting more and more. I've never ever counted kcals (yeah, weird for being anorexic, I know!), I'm more fat obsessed and healthy food obsessed. I do hope you manage to get better soon. I think sometimes it's hard for people to understand why EDs are so hard to recover from. But I say it's like asking a junkie to have one hit a week or tell an alcoholic to just keep it to once glass of wine a day. It's not going to happen. One must eat to live, which is why it is so hard to break ED patterns and habits since one is surrounded by food all the time. I feel for you, and everyone else going through one form of ED or another, it is something I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Warrior Princess Posted August 3, 2008 Report Share Posted August 3, 2008 Hey I hear what you're saying. My world seems to be surrounded by food too. Every where you look and go! even my birthday celebration is about food.I don't know what to suggest here except try to keep your nutrition up. those diet shakes are pretty good energy source to keep you balanced. I know I use them when I'm on a food restriction phase.WP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pynn Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Did you manage to eat some of that lovely apple crumble? Take good care of yourself sweetheart, try to fight the ED monster. I know it's so much easier said than done...And you're right about the junkie thing, it's unavoidable. ED is a bitch. Food food food... *rant rant rant**sigh*Love,Lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulrica Posted August 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 I did manage to eat som crumble. Sadly that was all I managed to eat that day Had such anxiety about eating it (fat heaven) that I couldn't eat anything before it, apart from the low fat yogurt.I feel so crap about it. I though I had this problem at least somewhat sorted, but alas no. I hate the fact that it doesn't seem to get better. Haven't eaten yet today, just had loads of coffee and fags. I know I should eat but I just bring myself to do it... I hate it, myself and everything... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pynn Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 that's so crap about recovering from an ED, there's always going to be relapses. You know you should eat something, so I don't need to get into a rant to encourage you. Just wanted to let you know I care. Love,Lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ulrica Posted August 4, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Thanks so much Lynn. It means a lot to me, just to know that someone cares and listens... Forced myself to have some yogurt and cereal. Better than nothing I suppose...Again, thank you...Ulrica Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pynn Posted August 4, 2008 Report Share Posted August 4, 2008 Well done you, that's certainly much better than nothing! Keep up the good work! I'm proud of you!Love,Lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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