Anorexia Envy?

[Warrior Princess]

I think this is just my own issue or something, but when I hear or read about somene struggling with an annorexia issue... I'm envious

Sorry if that is very unhelpful or triggering. I just don't know what I should do with these feelings...

WP

[yorkiegal73]

same here. i envy them their self control more than anything. i can't control my binges and i can't purge so i've ended up morbidly obese.

i admitted in my self help group the other week that i felt envious of the anorexics there. they were ok with that. they felt envious of me for being able to eat without obsessing about the calories or spending half an hour studying the labels in the supermarket.

part of me thinks that i want to become anorexic. a skinny little woman would look more vulnerable and receive more sympathy (i always imagine) to a huge fat ugly bulk of lard who no one wants to hug because they can't get their arms around her. But when i first saw the women in my group i was appalled at how thin some of them were. I wouldn't want to reach that stage. Silly really that i think i could stop before that happened, but i'm sure they all thought the same at one point.

[Warrior Princess]

I think I'm more envious of the control they have over food rather than the sympathy or the actual thin ness.

I use to be able to control my food and intake and now I feel so damn out of control because I eat junk food and I'm hungry so often, and even the fact i eat dinner bothers me!

I still have diet pills. tempted to start taking them again and drinking my diet shakes but don't want to spiral back into annorexic symptoms and have everyone tell me how "gaunt" I look.

I think everyone just wants me FAT! I don't understand why they are so opposed to me loosing weight. Not like I've ever been bony! but maybe that's just the symptoms.

WP

[dixie]

It's very natural if you have an eating disorder to be jealous of people with anorexia. Most bulimics hate anorexics or feel uncomfortable and insecure around them, in terms of eaing disorders anorexia is the epitome of control. It's a control they are striving to but do not have the ability to get to.

People don't want you fat WP, they want you healthy and well and strong. Don't let the ed voice back into your life, find someone you trust and hand those diet pills over to them to flush. If it helps you to stay healthy, remind yoruself that people keep telling you you look gaunt and build it from there. My experience has shown me that doing it for someone else to start with has helped me get to the reason I want to get well.

Be safe and strong

Love

Dixie

[Storm Chaser]

I feel the same way, it always makes me feel i'm doing it right or not quick enough.

[skylace]

WP - I think there are probably a lot of people who feel that envy. I definately do even though it seems a bit fecked up but I think we have to remind ourselves that anorexia is extremely dangerous and deep down, would we want to be painfully thin? I feel huge at the moment and struggling a bit and getting the old voices coming back but trying to ignore them but its hard and a pain in the ass.

I agree that anorexia is seen as total control. When I was in treatment for bulimia I felt like a "failed anorexic". I was so envious of how they could control their hunger. Ive always wanted to be thinner than I am but never want to have bones poking out all over the place but I think that once you get in that mindset of "I'll just lose a bit more" it is easy to get to that stage. Another thing that I used to struggle with was sitting next to the anorexics - during treatment I was "normal weight" but felt MASSIVE (and probably looked it) compare to them - doesnt really help with body image!

Anyway I am waffling bleugh

[lostinme]

i have anorexia but im still jealous of other anorexics, i know what it does to them and i know most of my friends will not make it in the end, but i also just want to be the smallest, i dont want them to be small, its dangerous for them but i just want to be the smallest.. i know i will still be fat but at least then i'll have something to work with against what my mind tells me.. its the only time i feel peaceful in my mind.

[sundries]

Yes im envious. If only because the 'recovered' anorexics never seem to get particlarly fat and always look so elongated and vulnerable so they get the care fat people just dont.

I wouldnt want ot die from starvation, but id prefer to die from that than from a complication of obesity. And so many people do secretly envy anorexics, you dont really get anyone (apart from maybe the anorexics) admiring fat people and im sure the aorexics only admire teh eating habits of 'normal' size people as opposed to the obese.

obviously thats not to say I dont recognise all the difficulties (dying, being cold all the time, people not realising you cant help not eating,painful sitting down cos of bones etc.. etc..) Just that I think it elicits more care and concern than disgust.

[doormouse]

I'm sooooo glad somebody brought this up......been struggling with it lately. One of my friends is just out of inpatient treatment for anorexia, and is still clearly really ill, and way way too thin, and I know that she was really lucky not to have been more seriously ill before but as a "recovered" anorexic..........I know what she's feeling so I can support her, I can tell her how proud I am of her, and how well she's doing to be maintaining her weight, low though it may be, getting her life back together.........what I can't tell her is how envious that little part of me feels. I was never skinny enough, I was a failure as an anorexic, and now I'm actually slightly overweight and feel like a total hippo. I refuse to buy any new clothes untiln I manage to lose some weight because it would mean buying then in a size 14 which makes me feel physically nauseous - I made my peace with being a 10-12 rather than a 6 but.......

I am trying to be sensible, taking my packed lunch to work every day, trying not to eat crap, trying to keep exercising. My trampoline coach told me she thought I'd lost weight the other day and I was just walking on air........

I guess I just want that self discipline back, that complete control, that lack of fear of the consequences, the overwhelming obsession that meant that nothing else mattered, and nothing else needed to......Maybe somtimes I just think I was happier that way. I know it probably isn't true but hey.....doesn't stop me thinking it from time to time!

Sorry if thats upset anyone

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