Do I Have A Problem?

[charley_pop]

Hi,

I'm 25, and I have been suffering really for quite a few years now with stress and depression. It got quite bad before xmas and then went 'quietened dwn' a little- now it's back. I am extremely stressed with work, I have had 2 family deaths this year - my cousin committed suicide a few years ago at a very young age and I feel guilty for it......

A while back I decided to visit the Drs for some help, but found that I coudlnt really say how I felt- they have referred me to the counselling service. I am still waiting for my letter to come through for my appointment. It has been quite a while.

In the last few months I have started to make myself sick after my evening meals. I am convinced that I am chubby and I am utterly desperate to lose weight. I have started going to the gym, and find that once I am there I feel I should do more, so I try to do more and then I leave feeling maybe I hadnt done enough & feel guilty.

I complain about my looks/my weight a lot and my boyf has asked twice recently 'if i have been putting my fingers down my throat to make myself sick'- I always say no. I find that I dont feel guilty about eating if I'm sick. Its like I never ate and its OK. I dont think anyone would understand if I told them. I am often quite teary for no reason. But it's usually because Im thinking too much about things and because I feel I cant cope with the pressure of doing well at my job, having time to see people, eating well, exercising right and enjoying my life. There always seems to be something going on that stresses me out. My Dr asked me to take 2 weeks off of work but I refused. I couldn't do it as my boss needs my asisstance as he has been ill in the past himself and out HR deprt will kno why I'm off and it would most likely be around the office by noon the day I give them the Drs note....

I dont feel like I have an illness, but I get the feeling that if I told anyone close to me they will think I'm seeking attention or freak out and tell me not to be so stupid. But they dont understand how I feel about myself. I am trying my best to look better and how I want to, but it's so time consumng and I obsess about what I should be eating and berate myself for eating something bad.

I feel that I shouldnt be so self-centred and there are people out there with worse problems than mine etc, but I feel I am in a black hole trying to claw my way out. I am lucky in that myself and my boyf have brought and are about to move into, our first home. Everyone is excited. I think I hve forgotten what that is. I cant seem to muster the enthusiasm for much, I just worry about whether I ahve made the right choice, worry about the cost of living etc.

I want to be happy. I get small 'slots' of happiness evry so often and then I'm back to being this....

Does anyone have any suggestions or have/do feel the same way? I have written a lot it seems! But it doesnt fully explain how I feel. Its so very complicated and tangled.

Thank you for reading,

[Ulrica]

Oh sweetie. I can so very much sympathize with what you're feeling. I actually think you should take your Dr's advice and take a couple of weeks of work, it does sound like you're very stressed. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life at the moment, which is hard on most people. Do you have a problem? I think you already know the answer. Yes you do. And problems like these have a tendency to just grow and grow. I think you should talk to someone. Perhaps talk to your doctor about it. The sooner you manage to get better, the better it is. ED's have a far too nasty habit of getting to you. I've had one for 12 years now and it is not something I would wish on anyone. Also talk to your bf if you can (and anyone else you feel you can trust), you need support and honesty is a good start to start getting yourself better. The quicker you work through it, the easier it will be. And you're not attention seeking at all. Yes, others have problems, but it sounds like you do too. If you are hurting, if you are worrying, if you are feeling like something is bothering you then it is your right to get help and get better, you deserve too.

I don't know if I was of much help. I'm not finding I'm making much sense today, brain is a bit strange.

Take care of yourself.

Ulrica

[drew]

sounds like u have a problem if u have to post to ask

u might want to ask your doctor about counsleroing a gain

they also say moving is one of the most stress full thing s we can do

[skylace]

Hi - I dont really know what to say as I think Ulricas post has pretty much covered everything (very well). I really think you should try and get some help on this - you say that you have been making yourself sick for a few months. Eating disorders QUICKLY spiral out of control and I worry that if you dont address this as soon as possible, you could be living with this hell for years to come. The sooner you get the help the better it will be for you. You do sound really stressed and as drew said - moving is one of lifes big stressors (Ive recently moved and definately agree)! I think it would do you some good if you took some time off work - dont worry about letting people down or people gossiping - that is their problem. You need to take care of YOU. You sound like a perfectionist - which a lot of people with EDs are. I think you need to try to be less hard on yourself which will help reduce your stress levels - Im not surprised that you feel teary at times - you have a lot to cope with at the moment but please try to get some help and support - you are not alone

[Marchmadness]

Hey -

First I would like to say welcome. This is a great place for support!

You really do sound like you are feeling very stressed. Talking to the doctor

maybe a good place to start. I do understand that you have a difficult time

verbally expressing yourself. Which is a common thing, hard to talk to

others about yourself. Have you tried to journal any of your thoughts down?

You may want to try and write somethings down before you see the doctor,

this way you can look at it, and it may help you focus on what you really

want to say. It also seems you put a lot of pressure on yourself, that has

to really weigh heavy on you. Have you tried any relaxation techniques? It

may help to bring you down a bit.

Take care,

Marchmadness

[charley_pop]

Thanks to everyone for your kind words of advice and support. Today (at least for the moment) I dont feel as stressed out as usual.

Thankfully my work place is closed for the week - so everyone takes the week off. I think that may be why I'm feeling a little calmer.

I will try to write down how I feel and see what the Drs say. I usually feel a little embarassed talking about how I feel. I say what Im feeling but only to a certain point. I can never fully say my feelings as I find that the people I talk to dont really understand. I know it must be hard for them and Im very grateful to them for listening to me.

I never thought that I would have problems eating. I seem to have developed an obsession with how I look which torments me a lot. A few people have mentioned to me that perhaps Im punishing myself. I feel that maybe I am! I constantly feel that I shoudl try harder, I shouldnt eat certain foods and I shold be doing my exercise.

Its nice to know that there are other people who know what its like to wake up in the morning, not feeling like theyve slept at all, and going through the day trying their hardest and feeling like a zombie. I sometimes felt 'zoned out'. I am a perfectionist and like my work to be 'just so'- maybe that is why I take on so much and do things myself?

I haven't tried any relaxation techniques- that is very good idea. I find it hard to switch off.

Thank once again. I really do appreciate it.

[Ulrica]

I'm a perfectionist too and I think that does play a part in my ED. I can never be good enough, pretty enough, clever enough, thin enough etc etc. I too find it hard to express what I feel. I often feel stupid. I've taken to giving my psychologist pieces of my poetry since it can explain things I can't. So I think it's a great idea that you're going to write things down and give to you Doc.

Relaxation techniques are good. You can try mindfulness exercises too. I get them through my physical therapist at the day center and they're great for relaxing and being present. I also use it to fuse my mind and body together, which I often see as two very different things.

I wish you the best of luck and let us know how you get on with everything. And if you need to talk, don't hesitate too

Ulrica

[trainergirl4u]

Hi,

I'm 25, and I have been suffering really for quite a few years now with stress and depression. It got quite bad before xmas and then went 'quietened dwn' a little- now it's back. I am extremely stressed with work, I have had 2 family deaths this year - my cousin committed suicide a few years ago at a very young age and I feel guilty for it......

A while back I decided to visit the Drs for some help, but found that I coudlnt really say how I felt- they have referred me to the counselling service. I am still waiting for my letter to come through for my appointment. It has been quite a while.

In the last few months I have started to make myself sick after my evening meals. I am convinced that I am chubby and I am utterly desperate to lose weight. I have started going to the gym, and find that once I am there I feel I should do more, so I try to do more and then I leave feeling maybe I hadnt done enough & feel guilty.

I complain about my looks/my weight a lot and my boyf has asked twice recently 'if i have been putting my fingers down my throat to make myself sick'- I always say no. I find that I dont feel guilty about eating if I'm sick. Its like I never ate and its OK. I dont think anyone would understand if I told them. I am often quite teary for no reason. But it's usually because Im thinking too much about things and because I feel I cant cope with the pressure of doing well at my job, having time to see people, eating well, exercising right and enjoying my life. There always seems to be something going on that stresses me out. My Dr asked me to take 2 weeks off of work but I refused. I couldn't do it as my boss needs my asisstance as he has been ill in the past himself and out HR deprt will kno why I'm off and it would most likely be around the office by noon the day I give them the Drs note....

I dont feel like I have an illness, but I get the feeling that if I told anyone close to me they will think I'm seeking attention or freak out and tell me not to be so stupid. But they dont understand how I feel about myself. I am trying my best to look better and how I want to, but it's so time consumng and I obsess about what I should be eating and berate myself for eating something bad.

I feel that I shouldnt be so self-centred and there are people out there with worse problems than mine etc, but I feel I am in a black hole trying to claw my way out. I am lucky in that myself and my boyf have brought and are about to move into, our first home. Everyone is excited. I think I hve forgotten what that is. I cant seem to muster the enthusiasm for much, I just worry about whether I ahve made the right choice, worry about the cost of living etc.

I want to be happy. I get small 'slots' of happiness evry so often and then I'm back to being this....

Does anyone have any suggestions or have/do feel the same way? I have written a lot it seems! But it doesnt fully explain how I feel. Its so very complicated and tangled.

Thank you for reading,

yeah i can sympathize...i am a trainer and yoga instructor so i am hard on myself. I can exercise a lot and feel its not enough. Although i am much healthier than i used to be i still feel inadequate, and bloated at times. I have to keep telling myself happiness is attained through letting go and acceptance. Yoga has taught me a lot. It will help with feelings of esteem towards your own body.

[trainergirl4u]

yeah i can sympathize...i am a trainer and yoga instructor so i am hard on myself. I can exercise a lot and feel its not enough. Although i am much healthier than i used to be i still feel inadequate, and bloated at times. I have to keep telling myself happiness is attained through letting go and acceptance. Yoga has taught me a lot. It will help with feelings of esteem towards your own body.