Ginny Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Today my son told me that he was close to hating me.... he has been breaking a lot of rules again lately.... I am in complete and utter distress - the guilt is overwhelming and I have to go to DBT in half an hour - it's not gonna be good...why did I have to have an illness that would make my son hate me - he is refering to a couple of incidents in the past where the rage and anger got too much (I was very drunk) and I lashed out and hit him... I think this has affected him badly -I am a child abuser and dont deserve children... I am evil - he would be well rid of me Ginny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 ((((((((((((((Ginny))))))))))))))) I wish I could come over and give you a great big hug. I hate that you are hurting so much right now. I know you may not believe it but I don't think your son hates you. I don't hate my mother and she really is a bitch. But, I know you are not a bitch...you are a kind, beautiful, warm, compassionate, friendly person. You don't have a bone in your body that anyone could hate. He has been breaking rules and you have a right to put your foot down because you are his mother. He is 15 and most fifteen year-olds see their parents at the enemy. But, he really does love you even though he may not show it. Honey...it breaks my heart that you are calling yourself evil because you are not evil at all. No one is perfect...he is hurting you and anyone would be upset. I iwsh I had a wand to take your pain away or I could fly you over here and so you could get away for a bit. Some day...but for now I just hope that things get better between you. Have you tried talking to him? Could he go somewhere for a few days until you guys cool off? Please don't hate yourself and call yourself evil because you are not and I have good instincts with people and I consider you a good friend and I love you very much. ((((((((((((Ginny)))))))))))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 ((((((Lady))))) Ginny I think I am in hell... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tracey Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 (((((((((Ginny)))))))))) wish i could say or do something to make you feel better you might hate yourself but we dont hate you luv yah! traceyxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 (((((((((((((Ginny))))))))))))))) You are not in hell you are in BPD land and it can feel just like hell but the difference is is that you will climb out of the underground soon. I know you have the strength somewhere. Love, Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 (((((ginny))))) hang in there hun. can you talk to your therapist about this? xxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucy Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 can you not explain why you hit out at him? that you were not rational he is probably feeling just as confused as you Love lucy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Gin...hope you are feeling a little better. Love, Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycroft Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Ginny, Abuse is when you do something wrong to someone and don't care. You obviously care. You don't like what you've done, you don't get any pelasure from it, and you want to not do it again. You are in no way a child abuser. Nobody is perfect - even so called 'normal' people. What makes doing something wrong acceptable is trying not to do it again and making amends. The key word is trying. We all must try, but not be cut up when we fail. But we must try again. I have said I hated people before and I am sure you have. I am sure you meant it as much as I did - ie, not at all. I told someone I loved very, very much that I hated them. It was hard but I worked hard to make it better, to show her it was a mistake and I genuinely felt bad. I can't speak for your son but think back to how and why you said you hated someone in the past. Did you mean it? Did you still mean it later? Do you still mean it now? I'm guessing, 9 times out of 10 the heat of moment, the pressure, makes people say these things and your son is probably the same. Look after yourself. You are not a bad person, just a human one. We are here for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Mycroft makes a lot of sense...Gin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lauren Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 how are you babe? xxxxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Thanks so much to everyone..... I guess I know my son doesn't really hate me - but it hurt so much to know that I had traumatised him so much. I VOWED when I had him that I wouldnt make the same mistakes as my goddam mother and here I am...doing the circle again...I really DO wanna get well - I am too ashamed to tell my Doc or my DBT group what has really happened with me when I get angry (and drunk) I feel like a bloody defect... and the fact that I am having a bad effect on my son's life - it just kills me... like I am dying inside... Sorry to keep whinging... dont know what else to do - thanks to everyone who has bothered to read these pathetic posts.. Ginny :unsure: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Gin, Your posts are not by any means pathetic. If you wanna talk about whining read mine! You are better then your mother and I know that because you have admitted your mistakes. You realize there is a problem and you want to fix it. Lets make a pact...if you tell your DBT therapist about what has happened I will tell my CB therapist about my drinking and anger problems. I know its scary...I don't want her to hate me or think I am a bloody defect either. But, I don't see you as one and so I should not consider myself one either. We can fight this and get well together. Love your friend, Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mycroft Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Not pathetic at all - thats what we're here for. Keep posting, keep getting it out - its good that even if you can't tell your therapist and group that you can vent/rile/rage/moan etc here. No judgement on you, just support to help you feel better. ((((())))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 11, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 mycroft, lady (((((((((((Thanks)))))))))))) Hopefully, I wont need to whine much longer..... I am really gonna try and talk to my son today..... Okay Lady - I will tell someone about my anger/alcohol issues....you too... Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 :Hey, us waifs gotta stick together Good idea to talk to your son...tell him whats in your heart hun. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddypotty Posted February 11, 2005 Report Share Posted February 11, 2005 Just thinking of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2005 (((((((((((paddy)))))))))))) :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 12, 2005 Report Share Posted February 12, 2005 Ginny all the other posts have given the rosey picture so im not going to repeat that point of view. well, i think that if you hit your child, you are doing something wrong, regardless of whether you meant to inflict hurt or not, and really, i fail to see how hitting someone can be done in the absence of any intention to hurt. likewise, being drunk at the time of the action, and being mentally ill, are not excuses and justifications - these things may explain the action, but never justify it. i can understand the guilt that ginny feels, as im sure she now realises that lashing out was very damaging to her son, in a way that outlives the physical hurt. i can understand how she could feel like a child abuser, and how she feels she is failing to break the cycle her mother began. however, i would also say that actual abuse involves ritualised and repeated patterns of abuse, and does not amount to isolated incidents. so take it seriously by all means, but gin, dont call yourself an abuser - i dont believe this is quite where you are at! I wanted to say that its actually very positive in the long run that you are feeling quite shit about it and are taking it as a serious situation and that you are trying to get help and get better. i know we try as bpders to run away from the bad feelings and escape the nasty feel of them, but sometimes they are there for good reasons! if you can try to work up some positives from feeling awful about it then do so! it shows you care about your son, and you are obviously self aware that this is similar to what your mum did? this knowledge and awareness and guilt should help you not to do it again!!! i do understand how lashing out happens cos ive done it myself - you in that instant feel so out of control and act almost in a madness and a blindness. and then the guilt afterwards is immense. its not nice, and one day maybe your son will understand that you were dealing with significant problems and that this had more to do woth the lashing out than any actual hatred of him. it helps enormously if u can understand why your parent acted in an unkind way towards you - it does not entirely replace hatred, but it goes some of the way towards empathy and sympathy and this is invaluable. and i do agree that all children kinda hate their parents in a way - you may well be getting this 'hatred' stuff anyway, regardless of anything you have done. hon. to recap - i dont think u are evil at all. i think the focus should not JUST be on beating yourself up for what has happened, but on trying very hard not to let it happen again and to enforce the message to your son that it was wrong to do what you did and that you love him and are sorry. If you think you can mean it, also tell him that you will never do that again. he deserves to feel safe. if getting drunk facilitates such outbursts then perhaps it would also be better not to drink?! well i hope u dont take any of that as too harsh. you know i am still your friend... regardless xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
budgie Posted February 12, 2005 Report Share Posted February 12, 2005 Each journey begins, with a STEP. And none is too small. ((((((((Ginny)))))) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddypotty Posted February 12, 2005 Report Share Posted February 12, 2005 Ginny you have acknowledged where you are at and thats a huge step,I dont think you are abusive,in my experience most people who abuse just cant accept that they are to blame at all,they look for other factors and you dont.You may well have lashed out but with time and plenty of communicating I think both you and your son can get by this. People who abuse and again this is just my experience can always find reasons to condone their actions,you just seem to be a person battling with a shitty condition and with the horrors of being a parent. Thank you for seeing me through some bad times,I hope you feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 12, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 12, 2005 lost, budgie, paddy......thankyou (((((((hugs))))))) lost, I dont feel any different about you whatsoever - I need honesty.. and I still love you!! not drinking isnt really an option for me...unfortunately, it is one of the ways I cope - if I didnt drink I would probably SI much more and that is not the way I want to go again.... But, you are right in saying these incidents have been isolated and facilitated by extreme BPD and being in crisis. I recognise these signs much more quickly now... I have told my son why, and that I love him and will not try and hit him again. I dont think he believes me yet - but it has been a long time since it happened - I guess he aint over it yet God, I hate myself for that.... But we had a long talk and a cuddle and a bit of a cry over it all, and I think he loves me again.... Anyway - I will consider everything that has been said and I love you all for helping me through this..... Ginny :wub: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostsoul Posted February 13, 2005 Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 ginny that sounds really positive. im glad u have had the talk. he will get over it with enough time and love. he may just need more time. yey ginny! love you xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ginny Posted February 13, 2005 Author Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 I thak you all for replying to this post - but I wont be talking about my feelings anymore.... It is hard for me as it is but when I got up this morning and logged onto BPDworld I got a personal message from Doctor Dysphoria - it said "you're not evil - You're just a screwed up f**k!" Thanks - I wont be posting about my feelings again... Ginny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LadyMacbeth Posted February 13, 2005 Report Share Posted February 13, 2005 (((((((((((Ginny)))))))))))))) we, your firends here don't think you are a screwed up fuck and thats what counts...who is he to tell you this...but I am going to keep my mouth shut because I got myself into trouble. But, you know how I feel. Love, Em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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