A Bit Low Again

[aussiebabe]

Well i feel down yet again. Anxiety levels going up due to Aunts 80th tea on Sat and seeing my mum for the first time in 7 years. Oh, what fun. Not! I know i will control myself although inside i will want to scream at her!!! My son is looking forward to seeing her, he knows how i feel. Spoke to my other Aunt and found out my elder brother not going! That would have been the biggest problem as he raped me when i was 13 and i recently confronted him by Email. He said he has no sister or nephew. When i said to my aunt i was glad she said i should have just asked and not worried! (she doesn't know what has happened)

i am worried what to say when they ask why i am not working. Oh, it's because i tried to kill myself, ended up in Psych hosp 3 times, i self Harm, been told i have BPD, PTSD and severe chronic Depression!! I don't go out much, so you're very honoured to see me. I'm on 4 meds and i'm a crap person and mother. Apart from that can't think why i'm not working!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sorry been stupid putting that. Of course i will just say i haven't been too well.

I have been going into chat for company. I find it hard because evryone seems so chatty and i say something every now and then. I always think i am going to say the wrong thing. In the 'real' world it is the same.

I am not sleeping very well and can't sleep during the day to catch up. Going to ask Psychiatrist for suggestions on Wed as i will lose it soon if i don't hav good nights sleep.

My son goes off to watersport camp on Sun - Fri and i am dreading being here on my own as my urges will be stronger. Part of me stops because of my son. He has had to phone my friend a couple of times when i have been out of it due to drink. Not very good i know. I have nothing planned. But that is next week.

Been taking paracetemol over days so doctor concerned if i do anything stupid. She has said to get rid of them. I know i should but i need them here.

My head is saying to snap out of it. But i can't.

If i go out i can't look people in the eye, i hate it. I want to get back to the safety of my home. This is why Saturday is going to be a big step.

Plus it is also why i am anxious about starting at the Brenchley unit.

Oh, i have gone on enough. Just needed to write it down.

Sharonxx

[Fairy]

Hey Sharon,

It has been building up a long time now, the community, the tea party. You are nearly here, hold tight, you can do this. It would be great if you could arrange a couple of things to do whilst your son is away, give you something to look foward to. I always was unsure as to what to say when people ask me what I do as I don't work. Now I say, "I am not working, I don't wish to". Surprisingly, to me anyway, people nearly always say, "Good for you". As if I have achieved something, which I have, the confidence not to feel I have to explain myself.

It is good you are coming in to chat for company, don't worry about talking or not talking, just be comfortable. You are doing so well, be kind to yourself, you need it and you deserve it.

Fairy xxx

[Tammy]

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate! I commend you for going anyhow...just try to think of it this way, you won't have to stay forever, and anytime you feel it is too much, just exscuse yourself and leave. No one will be forcing you to stay. You are not a crap mother or person my dear! You are struggling and have a lot to deal with...try not to be so hard on urself. Have a wonderful time and we will be here when you get back if you need to talk about it. Hopefully it won't be so bad. Good luck.

[aussiebabe]

Thanks for your replies.

I am trying to keep it together but it is bloody hard! I took it out on my arm with a mallot on two days and now it is swollen. I get to the point that i have to release what is in me and that is the only way, harming myself.

Oh, and when i spoke to my aunt found out she has invited my other brothers!!! She hasn't heard from them so hopefully it will mean that they are not going. Boy, that would be some get together!! The atmosphere would be so tense to say the least!!!! I am not going to worry about that though! I WON'T!!!!!!

Sharonxx

[Fairy]

Hey Sharon,

There are other ways to release these feelings, how about the Wii fit? Swimming I always find beneficial, as I kick my legs I think of all the things that frustrate me, it does work. You deserve so much more than SH, you really do.

I am glad you are not going to worry about your brother being at the party, rise above it. You are doing so well.

Fairy xxx