Should I Start To Worry?

[Adelicia]

Firstly, sorry to anyone I upset by this. It's not meant as a big attention seeking thing. I know a lot of you will be further along than I am, and I respect the fact it might sound like I'm just whining over nothing, but I'm starting to worry that I'm starting down a not so good road, and I don't know what to do to stop it getting further than it should.

I have suffered from (and still do) quite serious issues about the way I look, which doesn't help a lot…. But recently weight, and food are becoming more and more of an issue.

When I was growing up as a kiddy I was very skinny… to the point I was bullied over it. When I was 15 I became vegetarian, and because there was very little to eat out and about at the time that was veggie suitable, I started putting on weight. Over the past 14-15 years I got up to a rather cuddly size 16. I wasn't happy about that…. But I wasn't massively upset. I liked having curves, especially after growing up flat chested and looking very boyish.

In about February of this year, a whole heap of things happened at the same, and I had a sort of breakdown and didn't eat anything other than cucumber and celery for about 10 weeks. I went down from size 16 (12 stone) to size 10 (9.5 stone), since I'm 5'8 and large framed, that's less then my ideal weight. I'm not sure what I weigh now as I refuse to get on any scales because I know I'll feel bad if I've either lost weight or put it on.... or stayed the same. I put on a size 10 skirt this morning that was a little loose when I was wearing it in May, and it's practically falling off me now. However, I feel on looking in the mirror that I'm still overweight and that I shouldn't be eating untill I'm 'skinny'

I went to see my Doctor, and his advice was basically 'Try to think happy thoughts and eat more'. Right… I'm here because I'm depressed and can't eat… good advice. It made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing and frankly I should take my still fat ass out of his office and never darken his door again.

A lot of the things I was stressed over resolved themselves…. And I started to eat again… thought thinking back, still not a very healthy diet.

I've recently realised I'm getting preoccupied with what I'm eating again. I'm in a new job that fully caters a big meal for me every day, but I just eat as little salad as I can get away with without drawing attention. I hate eating in front of others, so I always come back to my desk to eat. I've been throwing food down the toilet too, as I don't want as much salad as I'm taking.

I tell my husband that I'm eating during the day, so I can get away without eating much in the evening. I think I'm probably on about 600 calories a day on average. Again, I know to some of you that sounds like a lot, but I'm intellectually aware it's too little... even if I do feel bad if I eat anything more than the very lowest of calorie foods and in very small portions.

I've been getting really light headed and dizzy, and started taking hoodia so I don't get hunger pangs, I've told my Husband it's an appetite stimulant. At first I wasn't hungry at all... now it's because I feel that eating is 'naughty' in some way, and that I should be able to not eat and be thinner. The smell of food makes me very nauseous, even foods I used to love.

Over the past few weeks I've found that I'll sometimes chew foods and spit it out when no one is looking. I think this is the thing that's really made me think something is not right. Lots of people diet.... not that many people choose to spit out foods if they don't feel they should be eating them.

Once moment I'm sat there thinking 'Heck, I'm skinny', the next 'Oh dear, I'm a heffer'.I can't seem to sort it out in my mind. I feel like I should be getting better, but I'm not. I know the most recent batch of stress might have unlocked some mental doors I was hoping I could keep shut that relate to childhood abuse. I feel at 30, it's odd this is coming out now. I don't really want to deal with it when ignoring it and hoping it would ignore me worked quite well for the best part of 20 years.

I'm becoming hypersensitive to the slightest comment about my appearance. A friend made a well intentioned comment that I wasn't looking as underweight as I had been (and that I looked better for it)... and I promptly didn't eat for 3 days. I'm giving things a lot more meaning then they deserve, and I just can't seem to stop doing it.

A lot of people made some very positive comments about the weight loss, and others not so positive, guess which ones I listened too. My mother, in her normal way told me 'Don't buy to many smaller clothes, you're just going to put all the weight back on' and I guess I really worry about disappointing her by becoming fat again. I'm the only one of the 3 siblings who is under 20 stone, and I feel likes she's pleased to have a 'thin' daughter as she was embarrassed with me when I was fat.

What I'm really saying, in a round about way, is should I be worried that I'm developing an eating disorder or am I just being over anxious? I've had friends with eating disorders, and looking back, I can see that there were warning signs. If I they had got help earlier, they wouldn't have got so ill that it broke my heart to see them. From my conversations with the doctor, I feel like I'm perhaps making a big thing where there doesn't need to be one... but I'm worried that if I don't do something now I'll just get worse so it reaches a point I can't do anything.

What can I do to prevent this becoming a problem I can't fix myself?

[drew]

i am 5ft 8 and 9 and a half stone is a ideal weight i am thinking that to fit in a size 10 skirt with it being loose you are under that weight now

i wonder if u ever had any prof help

i guess its a problem now because u are writing about it

i would ask your doc for help i guess

[full blown sarcasm]

Hey there. first of all, it does sounds like you are developing an eating disorder. I would advise you to talk to your doctor and tell him straight out what the problem is as it sounds like he didn't take you seriously the last time. Like you said, if you're large framed then your ideal weight would be different and i believe your doctor would be the best person to tell you what your ideal weight is.

[dixie]

(((Adelicia)))

I agree you really need to see a dr or perhaps contact b:eat http://www.b-eat.co.uk/Home and seek some counselling and support from them. We obviously cannot dx that you have/are developing an eating disorder, but from what you describe you are definitely suffering eating distress.

You need to be honest with yourself and with the people who can help you. Perhaps you could print your post off and take it to your dr so they can see exactly how you are feeling and give you the right support.

Be safe and keep talking

Love

Dixie

[Ulrica]

I can so very much relate to some of the things you're saying. Particularly the "God I'm too skinny" or "Crap I'm sooooo FAT". It's different on different days. Like you I'm 5'8" and I'm 8,5 stone which I know is definitely on the thin side... Like drew says, if you a size 10 is hanging of you, you probably have lost weight...

I've battled my ED for about 12 years now and it's a hard battle. As dixie points out none of us are doctors and can't give you a DX, only our opinions. I think you are on your way to developing a quite serious ED. I'd seek help as soon as I can if I were you. Because the longer you go without treatment, the harder it gets to break away from it. Also, do you feel you can talk to your husband? Honesty is so important and it's a good place to start and you'll also need all the support you can get.

Ulrica

[fucktheworld]

:trigger:

could trigger someone, bi-no sleep-polar brain, laughing at everything

That was a funny line about the doctor but I couldn't get quote to work. Reach out to your doc and they tell you to 'think happy thoughts and eat more'. Well thanks doc, never thought of that, I'm going home right now and try that. wtf

Oh the work eat-a-fucking-thons are torture. I just go with everyone is so self centered I watch for the right time and say, 'I already went and stuffed myself'. lie It is easier than finding places to toss the full plate and/or hide the full plate and less wasteful!!! win win

The cucumber and celery for 10 weeks..humm...also in my mind thinking, way to shed it!! lol

All the secrets surrounding food, becoming a full time job? You are at the perfect weight but still see fat in the mirror? When you do eat is a solitary event?

With this calm moment in my head, reduced noise level, I will close with; Getting help now might help you avoid this becoming your life, your career, your pasttime, and your living hell.

hugs

[Adelicia]

Thanks for all your comments. I've been watching this thread since I originally posted, and all the comments have been gratefully read. I think the issue isn't so much how much I weigh and how I feel about that, but how I think about food that's starting to really worry me. Yes, I'm worried of putting on weight, or indeed of not losing more (I'm now down to 9st 3lbs), but that's not what really worries me in my more lucid and sensible moments.

Please forgive the long windedness. I know I'm rambling. It's one of my least good qualities, that I tend to do this when upset. I know I do it because I have this hideous fear if I stop talking for long enough, there will be a brief pause before the person or people I'm talking to turn round and collectively tell me how c**p I am. It's like a really bad teacher who will ramble on to the bell rings, just to avoid further questions. I feel I need to pour this out and say it all because otherwise it'll hatch it my mind like little worms, and start taking over what I'm thinking.

One of you asked if I've ever seen professional help, Yes. I've been to see a counsellor in the past, when I was at secondry school, and sixth form. I was sent by school because I was being bullied mainly for being 'bright' and (ironically) very skinny and therefore a little geeky looking as a child. We only once talked about the abuse (which I think if part of it all), and that was because of a girl in my year who had been abused by her brother, the gossip got round, got to the counsellor and because she shared the same christian name, she thought it was me. The first thing she did when I started crying was to get up and hug me. I don't think when people are talking about abuse it's generally a good idea to touch them without asking permission first. Anyway, she was a very kind, but very useless counsellor, and I think she's put me off the idea of professionally help permanently. While I'm on the subject, I think it's pretty messed up the school sent me to see a counsellor because *I* was being bullied. This pretty much means I see it as my fault that I was bullied, and in a lot of ways I think contributes to my total lack of self confidence or self esteem.

Hold on, I am going somewhere with the post.... it will get back to food, honest.

This weekend I was supposed to be going to visit my sister. I have a very odd relationship with her, so when the option to see her and my nephew came up, I jumped at it. I feel bad for not having a better relationship with her. Friday evening came, She phones and we arranged to have a picnic in her back garden on Sunday. Stupid huh? Make a social occasion based (something you never normally like anyway) around something you have deeply f**ked up attitudes to at the moment. Well, it worked for her, and I'm pretty stupid when it comes to putting others first.

Well, she's a big lady (I'm guessing over 20 stone) and this in part, is because she eats utter rubbish and in part because she doesn't exercise at all. I knew this, and therefore I know that she wouldn't be able to resist making some form of comment about my weight... I also know that she doesn't eat a healthy diet. Well, normally I can avoid the whole 'Eat more' talk from people when I visit as I'm a vegetarian (Have been for years). Okay, I decide the best thing to do is to take very low fat/cal food and just eat that. So, I spend all day Saturday looking for picnicable recipes that are low cal but can sneak in without it being obvious that that's why I picked them.

Saturday morning I look in the mirror... I'm not actually looking like a total sack of c**p, Only need to lose another half a stone or so, and do something about my abs, and I'll look alright (bearing in mind I said the same thing 2 stone heavier, I'm not sure I'll get to 8 1/2 stone and feel 'thin'). Go out to Tesco shopping.... actually put food in the basket. Distract husband with mission to look at PS3 prices so I can check the calories on the back of everything while he's looking in the gaming section. He gets super displeased when I look at calories. I don't think he gets that if I don't know the content, I can't eat it.

Go home, make dinner (Sweet potato stew), update online food diary. Hell, ate nearly 1/2 of my recommended daily calorie intake (for weight loss). Feel quite crappy about this, so decide to skip breakfast tomorrow.... Nearly 200cal of Muesli there. I don't need that!

Anyway, get up Sunday, start cooking, sister calls to cancel. She's 'ill'. She's often 'ill' when we have plans. Somehow, and I've not got the slightest idea why my brain goes here, I'm convinced she's cancelled because she doesn't want to have to deal with feeding me. I feel really bad for inconveniencing her, despite the fact it was her idea to have a picnic.

So, rest of Sunday eat nothing more than I 'have to' to avoid arguments with Hubby. Works out to about 500cal. Feel like cr*p emotionally and physically.

Today, get into work... open e-mails. There are several eating halls at work, and I find out that the only one that serves salad, is going to be shut this week. So, I've got no option other than to be seen to not eat or to eat 'real' food. Have panic attack. I can't believe that at 30, I find myself shaking and crying in the bathroom at work because I might have to eat. I'm angry at myself for being so weak over the whole thing. I can't decide if I have excellent self control because I'm not eating and I'm archiving whatever it is I think that achieve, or have no self control as I'm letting my neurosis get the better of me.

I've tried talking to husband, but he gets very upset about the whole thing, and starts ranting about how worried he is about me... which makes me feel worse for upsetting him. For some reason he's obsessing that I should talk to his mother about this all. I love my mother in law, she truly is wonderful, but she's just lost a daughter to cancer (back in late June) and I can't in all good consciousness call her up and bleat on about my pathetic, self induced, problems. I might be ill, but I'm not dead, nor dying of cancer, nor have I just lost a child. What in the name of god do I have to b**ch about? I can't talk to my mother, as she's really not approachable. She has the rather middle class attitude of 'if you don't talk about it, it'll go away'. I also think she's kind of pleased to have a daughter who is no longer a blimp.

I don't really know what to do now. I think I need help, but I don't know what to do about it. I have a friend who has offered to come with me if I go back to the doctors... but I know my husband won't take kindly to me taking a friend instead of him, but I feel happier talking in front of this friend as I know they suffer from a anxiety disorder and then at least he gets how it feels to feel emotionally 'wrong' and think that everyone sees you as inferior.

Where am I now? Well, I know I've got a problem, and I know it's not got to crunch point yet, but I've got pretty screwed up attitudes to food, my body, and my entitlement to being a healthy, well fed person.

What do I want? I want to figure out if this is something I can treat on my own, or if I truly have let this get beyond the point I can bring it back from without help. If it is something I need help for, what happens? How do I get time out from work if I need to regularly see someone? Since I don't look very skinny yet, will people think I'm making a fuss out of nothing? Will whoever I see insist that I put lots of weight back on? Will I have to tell them about things like spitting food out, and taking appetite supressents? Will I need to share my food diary? Will I need to tell people what's going on? Will I need to talk about why I'm like this, rather than just talking about what I am? Will I need to talk about my childhood, my marriage, why I have few friends, why I don't want kids? What can I keep to myself? Will a therapist think badly of me? What of I go in after someone with a 'real' problem like a recent death or tradegy? Do I diserve help?

I think for me, part of the scary thing about dealing with this is I don't know what's doing to happen. I get very uncomfortable if I'm not sure what's going to happen. I also don't like making choices. I feel that if I just drift and let things happen then I can't be responsible if they go wrong.

[fucktheworld]

Don't feel bad, I can feel your anxiety in this post. Eating issues sound silly when you get down to the real explaining part. Odd little quirks in thinking and behavior, not fun things to talk to with hubby or mother-in-law who has gone through torture, but comfortable with anxious friend with his anxiety. It's complicated isn't it. But it is deeper than that, with painful twists that are associated with 'loss of control' issues.

Do you need your doctor to refer you, or can you jump right to a therapist? Your doctor's reaction wasn't very validating, 'think happy thoughts and eat more.' Your behavior is worrisome enough for your hubbie to suggest his mother. You can't be forced to change because he rants, that will make you hide it more, seek more ways to keep control. I think you would find a therapist comforting, a safe place to talk about all these things. Have you checked with work, anything in place at work to assist? You could get an appointment at the end of the work day, get home 1 hour late-once a week. This needs to be separate from hubby, because he is reactive.

<_<

[Adelicia]

Urg. The first thing I should probably say is please don't read this if you are an ED suffer and are worried that you might feel triggered by anything I might say.

I'm in here this morning because I'm feeling down about a whole bunch of stuff related to the ED and self image. I don't really know why I think a forum is the right platform to do this, but right now, today, I don't feel like I have anywhere to talk. Yesterday was, by far, the worst day I've had related to my ED in several months, and I guess I need a place to just get it out of my system.

Since I've last been here, I've been through many loops of the NHS, been seeing a nutritionist for about 3 months now, been sacked from my job because of the ED, dropped down to a BMI of under 16, and gone back up to just under 17.5. TBH, I think most of my weight gain has been down to a pretty bad 'chew spit' habit, as I know what I'm eating isn't enough calories to explain the weight gain. To date, I've had one session with a therapist, but I'm starting a course of 20 sessions. She seems really nice.

I've been feeling quite bad about my weight for a few weeks now. I am not as skinny as I was, my belly folds when I'm sat down. My clothes are tight, and generally I feel fat. I'm very fragile about my weight, and I'm always having to be on guard for my subconscious trying to get me to skip meals, cut out food groups, make food swaps for a lighter diet etc. To be honest, I liked being waif thin. I liked feeling that no one could call me fat, and I like feeling so in control. I appreciate that this was very much not me being in control, but I felt it was. I also liked the numbness that came with being so thin. I constantly felt slightly 'high', lightheaded, and time seemed to pass in a bit of a haze.

I think it got kicked off last Wednesday when I went up to visit my inlaws. For some reason, at both meals when we were there my Mother in Law thought it was a good idea to talk about either my veganism or my ED. I find this very stressful. She explained that she had been 'underweight' for 10 years, then telling me the weight she was at at that time, which is about 1/2 a stone lighter than what I am right now. This just made me feel as if it's perfectly okay for me to be at that weight and live a normal life. She worked on a farm at the time, so she must have been 'well'. I think about how I'd like to lose about a 1/2 stone again, because at that weight, I felt I was healthy enough to do the things I wanted to do, and I didn't feel anywhere near as fat. Then I remember how much I liked being skeletal thin, and think if I can get back to that weight, I can start eating enough to keep me there, and it'll be okay.

Last night was my brother's (36th) birthday. Now, I have a lot of issues with the difference in how my brother and I were treated as kids, and indeed now. I always feel they prefer my brother to me, but that's possibly just my way of looking at things. Anyway, it was a meal thing, which I find really difficult. Mum had made a pasta thing for me, my other half and herself, which had lots of white pasta in it, and lots of oily sun dried tomatoes. I didn't much want to eat it, but I felt I should. I really don't like having stuff on huge plates where you 'help yourself' as I always think people are judging me over how much I eat.

We all sit down to dinner, and for some reason, discussion turns onto me and when am I going to get a new job, and followed up by my treatment regime, and my ED. My Dad states 'Well, you're over that now'. I know I've put weight on, and I now feel as if I'm overweight (even though my BMI is not yet out of the AN spectrum). I don't want them to think so me as ill.... but they seem determined to consider it a 'phase'. When I first lost weight my mother cautioned me not to 'buy clothes in a smaller size as I was just going to put the weight back on anyway'. I find the fact they won't recognise there is a problem hard to deal with. I don't know why. Maybe it's because by them not recognising it, it absolves them from supporting me. Maybe because it means they can say it was the result of the stress my last job put me under. I don't know, I just find it hard.

Anyway, dessert comes, and my Mum has made a chocolate pudding that was one of my favs as a kid, which is not vegan. Fair enough, she had asked my brother what he wanted for his birthday meal, and this is what he said. Personally. I don't think it would have killed her to at least offer some fruit, but that's more about courtesy than anything else. I feel awkward that everyone has a bowl of food in front of them and I don't, like my food choices are an issue again. Out of being polite and making conversation, I say to my brothers fiancee how much I liked the pudding as a kid, and how I might have a go at making a vegan version, but how I don't really have a dish big enough. She says 'Well, you could always half the recipe. That should be a enough for the two of you.' (Meaning my Husband and I) I agree. The recipe is supposed to serve a lot . My brother and my dad have dished out their portions, and I notice that half the dish is gone. I respond to her and saying 'Yeah, that would work. Even at half it should be more than enough with some to have the next day, the recipe is supposed to serve 8-10, I don't think that's going to happen today somehow'. Then my Dad says to my brother 'What's she saying?' to which my brother replies 'I don't know, some b*tchy anorexic bulls**t'. I'm shocked. My throat closes up for a second, and I literally feel like someone has punched me hard in the stomach. For a moment, I don't know what to do. After a pause, I get up, and say (I think) 'I'm sorry' and get up and walk out the room. Behind me my Mum says to my brother 'Gordon, that was a little clumsy'. I hear my husband say 'That was a little more than clumsy' and he follows me out to give me a hug. He's really angry over the comment. My mum follows a moment or so after, and tells me that she has 'told him off' and that she 'doesn't think he knows what he said'. For a moment I consider getting my bag and leaving, but I decide I'm better that that, and go back in. Well, I say that I think 'I'm better than that' but in reality, I make this choice because I know it would cause some big drama, and I'd be seen as spoiling my brothers birthday.

As I walk back into the room my Mum is by the door, and my Brother is with her. He's laughing and smiling, and he tries to grab my arm, as if to stop me lashing out at him. I have no intention of doing so, why would he think that I did? He says something about being 'sorry'. This is actually worse than what he said in the first place, as he seems to find it so f**king funny. It's not awkward, nervous giggling , but gusts of laughter and joy at having managed to upset me so much. I feel mortified that hurting me is such a win for him, and that he considers something that nearly killed me so very, very amusing. It's like someone has opening my mind and pulled out the biggest, ugliest, slithering daemon that they could find, and held him up for everyone to see, and gloating at what an ugly, bloated, billowing piece of s*it, and by extension, I am.

I sit down, and watch everyone else other than myself and my Husband eating the pudding. I don't realise at first, but an empty bowl is now in on the place mat in front of me, but nothing in front of my Husband. I don't know what this is meant to signify. The meal continues, and towards the end my Brother's partner tells us, as far as I can tell in lieu of absolutely nothing, how the doctor told her that she 'wasn't the fattest patient they had in the practice' and my brother trots out some unlikely tale about his doctor remonstrating with him about his BMI (which is apparently about 35) and how that's less then 'Arnie'. I realise I'm digging my nails into the palms of my hands. I get up and walk about the room, I don't need to be around this.

My Husband is talking to me about it afterwards, and he's really angry over my Brothers' comments, and says 'Theres only two options, either he's a total **** or he doesn't believe you' This is pretty much the worst thing he could say, as I have a constant fear that people think I'm making this up, and that I'm only doing it for attention. When I've spoken to my Mum about it in the past, she tells me 'most people don't like the way they look'. It also pretty much underlines that I've put on over a stone since I was at my thinnest, and despite my conscious mind explaining I'm still clinically underweight, I feel that I'm back to being very overweight. I feel like once again, people are thinking it's okay to bully me for being 'fat'

I feel so upset about what he's said, and about the fact that my family were so compliant in the whole thing. No one seems to think that I deserve better than this, and that's it's okay for me and my illness to be used as some comic device. I feel betrayed and upset, and I feel only my Husband has stood up for me. My husband is very angry at what my brother has said, but I feel as if hes also angry with me for not letting it bounce off me.

This morning my Husband is upset because I don't want breakfast. He tells me that he's worried that if I go back to highly disordered eating I'll lose weight really quickly because I've been eating a lot more recently. He's picking his words carefully so as no to upset me, but still this makes me feel like a gluten for having eaten so much over the past few weeks, and I think how easy it would be to just get back to being skinny again. I didn't like some aspects of being very skinny, but I loved the fact I felt like no one could accuse me of being 'fat'. I know it's petty and pathetic to care so much about how I look, but I so desperately want to avoid having yet another thing that makes me ugly to the world.

I agree to eating some dry toast, and promise to have a good lunch.

Today is my day to go food shopping. All the smells of food seem really strong, and they set my stomach off. I don't know if its hunger or disgust or something inbetween. When I speak to my Husband at lunch, I lie and say I've eaten some soup and a bread roll. I feel lower than I have done in a long time.

I weight myself for the first time since I saw the dietitian about 5 weeks ago, and I see that I've put on 4lbs. I am petrified that she's going to judge me, compare me to the other people she sees and think I'm a pointless and shivelling individual. I'm only just inside the AN spectrum now, and I worry they will take my treatment away. I'm also kind of pleased by this, as I hate doing my food diary, and I always feel I've 'eaten too much'

I don't like myself today. Thanks for reading. I needed to talk.XOX