Getting Better? Nooooooooooooooooo

[walker]

I am tortured daily by a fear of being well.

My depression has largely gone and I am facing a return to work.

BUT I dont feel healed - just hidden and almost emotionless

This is how I feel -

Where is the path towards my soul

When I am far from being whole?

Darkness has risen, letting in light,

But my soul is out of sight.

Humanity is all around

Piercing days with too much sound.

Opening doors to glimpse a life,

Closing days of endless strife.

Laughter rising from the deep

Choking any chance of sleep;

Forced outside to take the air

Fearful of the slightest stare.

Time to leave it, let it go,

Loss, that only I shall know.

Grasp the day that's filled with hope,

Tense my body, try to cope.

Strategies they make me learn

Whilest deep within, a pain shall burn;

Smiling face, don't make a fuss

No one really cares for us!

Endless pressure from outside

When all I wish for, is to hide-

Within the path towards my soul

For I AM FAR FROM BEING WHOLE!!

is anyone in the same place????

[Ulrica]

Beautifully written.

I can so relate to that fear. A friend and I have spent many a sleepless night talking about it. We both share that same fear. It's not that we don't want to get better it's just that we have been this way for so long, what are we without our BPD? Who is the well me? Is she the same in the core? Who am I really? I think it's like that for most people going through change, the fear of the unknown; the fear of getting well because one doesn't know what that is? How does one know when one is healed?

Sorry I can't bring more answers. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this feeling. It's something I have been thinking about a lot latley myself...

Ulrica

[Judi]

If you are returning to an existing job after a period of sick leave don't underestimate the luxury of your position. It will still be hard but not as hard as trying to start again with no employment rights and security. Having received any employer support is a big plus which is sometimes overlooked at a time when depression is still making a person look on the glum side.

Good luck!

Judi

[hummm_mabbe]

twiffle stinkies on the fluffie tinkies

Give u a hug make ya feel more pinkie

Ya need some fluff

Ive got enough

To make ya feel happee and give tha love stuff

Uh chekit

**folds arms in hip hop style**

[Lily-Bee]

To me you sound scared but also still depressed. Is that how you feel?? Do you have therapy, have you discussed all this??

I wonder- Are you better but afraid of stepping into the world again for instance or-are you really not recovered enough???

Maybe something you need to try to figure out because before you can deal with something you need to know what exactly the problem is.

Lilly

[walker]

thank you for your replies

Yes Lilly, I am scared - scared of being well

I know that it means going back into school and functioning as a capable, mature , adult.

But I also know that inside I still feel like a stupid, incapable, child who desperately wants to be cared for and loved.

Because I am no longer sitting around crying all the time, or wanting to die, everyone (including me) sees someone who is SO much better that she must get back to work and stop making a fuss.

Until Feb I was coping - just - and when I walked away from work, my husband just said he didnt know why, because I wasnt any worse than usual. But the pain in my head was crippling me. Everyday single day, I felt guilty for not being there.

So now - in Sept, I shall begin my return - and I shall also begin to pack the screaming child away - crush her out of sight - tell her to shut up - beat her in my head - and criticize, condemn, and hate myself which is what I do so well..

Better???????????

Healed??????????

I have CBT where I try to pour out all my worries, I may get on a STEPPS programme

Yes - they will continue to teach me something that I have already learnt so well - that I AM UNACCEPTABLE as I am - so find loads of ways to hide it from the world.

I will Never make anything of myself, never be good enough at what I do,

I am selfish, wrapped up in my little world, lazy, pathetic, and infact a bloody great BITCH

Sorry, but feeling a lovely great big lump of self hatred pouring through my body

[yorkiegal73]

Yes - they will continue to teach me something that I have already learnt so well - that I AM UNACCEPTABLE as I am - so find loads of ways to hide it from the world.

That's absolutely spot on.

I don't want to get well. I don't want to look for a job. I want to be left alone in my house where I don't offend anyone and don't have to put on my face and pretend to be someone else. I don't want to be constantly reminded about self responsibility. I don't want to be made to feel bad just for being me. I wish I lived a hundred miles from anyone else and could be me. Because I think she would be a lot more content if she didn't have to compare herself to others all the time. I wish I'd been born twenty years earlier when they still locked people up in mental hospitals for life.

sorry that's not supportive.

here's the token '' good for you you'll do fine'' crap, but we all know it is just crap. It's always going to be a hundred times harder for us to function in the normal world. And we'll never be congratulated for managing to do it because we're just doing what they all do effortlessly anyway.

[yorkiegal73]

sorry. i'm not a morning person. just realised i'd forgotten to take my pill.

[hummm_mabbe]

sorry. i'm not a morning person. just realised i'd forgotten to take my pill.

nooooooooooo missie yorkie, both u and missie w are both saying something that mabbe inside all of us - I am realising its in me too. Wanting to not have to face the world anymore and hide away - yes thats meeeee too Personality Disorder ... there are soo many personalities inside me, each has a differet fucking view and they are all 100% conviced they are right. They cant all be right .. they disagree with each other. But fuckit they still make me feel like hel, what else do I deserve for the way I behave?

Get back in your hole little man. Sit the fuck down.

[walker]

I think to get well is one of the hardest things possible for US - because to do it, we have to become even more unacceptable to the outside world.

We must cry, and rage, and scream and shout.

We must sit and think and feel and talk until we can gradually undo the hurt.

I feel I should hurt - partly because I despise who I am, but also because it is the only way to locate and identify the pain I am in

But no one sees that as healing

Get back to work - socialize - smile - keep busy - chat - cook - clean -

YEY - SHE's WELL

OH NO SHE'S NOT -

BUT YOU FEEL SAFER AROUND HER - and she wont do anything 'silly'

It's not about making us well - because you cant do that, you can only help us heal.

But you dont want that - you just want to feel safe and comfortable with yourselves

This stinks

[jenga]

I know what you mean, as I have been there before It is so much more comfortable to be in "that place" sometimes, and not have to deal with people and life outside of it.

However, remember that you have said you are feeling better. Growing pains hurt sometimes, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't go through them.

Try not to think long term about all of this now as it can be quite overwhelming. Maybe you could try to concentrate on what work WILL do for you right now, which is to help yo maintain a schedule, force you to focus on other things. You don't have to lose yourself completely, as BPD is a part of who you are. There's a lot to be said at feeling better and being able to manage things better.

I know you are worried, but this is a positive thing that you to make changes AND have some control since you are in a more knowledgeable place. Don't beat yourself up already.. give things a chance. When you are not at work, you can retreat and regroup. We always think people are watching us and thinking about us more than they really are!

So.. I do understand, and hope you will see that I am just trying to tell you that progress doesn't "come without a price", so to speak. You will be fine!!!

[Ulrica]

I have nothing much to say accept that I totally agree with you walker. I don't scream, rage and cry much because when I do people leave, get fed up and lock me up. So I don't, I hide it all, and then people assume that I'm well. Fuck me I'm not. I'm just sick off people leaving all the time. It does feel like this world was never meant for people like us... Sometimes I wonder if wrong is not in us, but in society that can't accept that everyone's different and not everyone is suited to the "normal" way of life. It's like I can never win... It sucks...

Sorry about the depressing post (yeah, that is depressing for me) had a major breakdown last night and feel shit.

[hummm_mabbe]

I have nothing much to say accept that I totally agree with you walker. I don't scream, rage and cry much because when I do people leave, get fed up and lock me up. So I don't, I hide it all, and then people assume that I'm well. Fuck me I'm not. I'm just sick off people leaving all the time. It does feel like this world was never meant for people like us... Sometimes I wonder if wrong is not in us, but in society that can't accept that everyone's different and not everyone is suited to the "normal" way of life. It's like I can never win... It sucks...

Sorry about the depressing post (yeah, that is depressing for me) had a major breakdown last night and feel shit.

We dont reject u tho Ulricatwiffles We know what u feel and its ok to feel that too.

This thread is sad. I want to give everyone love and cuddle and anti-sniffle cream

Ross

[Ulrica]

We dont reject u tho Ulricatwiffles We know what u feel and its ok to feel that too.

This thread is sad. I want to give everyone love and cuddle and anti-sniffle cream

Ross

Awww, you are the sweetest ever... And yes, everyone should have love, and hugs too, therefore I am giving everyone a big

[walker]

Ross, you are right (AGAIN!!!!) it IS sad.

Sad that not only society, but we ourselves, reject the way we are, as being abnormal.

when I spoke to my brother about some of this last week, his first response was

'there is NO normal - that is the one certainty - we are all in different places, coping in different ways' - God Bless him

I just feel so lost, so very, very lost.

No idea who I am, what I want, just a damn mess

[wednesday]

Number 1----Being able to put on a face is not getting well, and getting well is not putting on a face!!!!

---------------Put aside the responsibility part. You don't need to say to yourself you will accept all responsibility in all conditions. Noone can say that.

Getting well is starting to enjoy life---not being so unhappy. Its not a matter of self will or forcing yourself---it is a matter of taking on a little as and when you can.

Number 2--- I know that you feel unacceptable and that sometimes it makes you feel so angry with yourself. I feel it myself sometimes--but I know that indulging this belief will get me nowhere. It comes from your parents and is not true. The only true happiness can come from self acceptance.

I am so sorry you feel this way and it is causing you so much pain. We have not had a fair start in life and yet we are still functioning in this world. Setting unreasonable targets is all part of the illness. Would you tell a friend with the same problems that they were unacceptable?

[walker]

For me it is not a belief, it is a truth.

I have only just begun to discover that other people have different truths from me.

I dont want to be happy, I want to hurt.

My son has just got 4 A's in his AS exams, my daughter is doing a music degree - I am thrilled for them - proud of them.

They give me a lot of pleasure,

But it is for them, not me.

Their achievements are their own, not mine.

My own are nothing

I need to hurt

[Lily-Bee]

I don't think you want to hurt but more that you are so afradi of recovery that you choose to hurt instead of moving forward???

Moving forward is scary indeed, when we get sick we often end up with a very small comfert zone, very little contacts etc when you start working again for instance you expand your comfert zone and that is scary but wehen you do it and stick to it that becomes comfertable too and so you broaden your comfert zone.

And only you decide which things you want to try and which things not...............and you don't have to take such big steps, take it easy, little steps. You might surprised at how good it can be to be better!!

Lilly

[walker]

Lilly -

What you say makes a lot of sense - but when I am not hurting, I dont feel real any more

If I hurt, I can feel who I am - it is the place I belong

Wednesday -

I am scared of being happy

I have been at times, but it always gets swamped by failure, or my self-destructive nature.

I dont feel safe when I am happy - because it always goes and leaves me in an emotional desert

[wednesday]

I know what you mean Walker. My psychologist used to say that this was clinging on to happy experiences and worrying they will not last-he said that this in itself decreases the intensity of the happiness. Mindfulness teaches you to try to take each moment as it comes.

You say your children's success has nothing to do with you and yet you know, as a teacher that in order to have such high attainment, children generally need a very good supportive background. It sounds as though you have been a very good parent to them and this has allowed them to flourish. Well done.

i hope you can find a good therapist who can help you see that you deserve to be happy, just as we all do.

[Ulrica]

walker - That thing you said about when you're not hurting you don't feel real. I can totally relate. When I'm not in pain I'm just numb, complacent, shut down and so very empty. At least when I'm in pain I feel SOMETHING, instead of nothing.

[hummm_mabbe]

Missie W - look up the Detached Protector mode in yer bookie and see if you can realte your sense of feeling nuthen to it ....

Mr Rossie Ross The Albratross

[walker]

Detached protector? not sure - dont feel protected

I am so confused - I dont know what I am feeling - getting so lost again.

always reading about terrible families and dont understand why I am like this.

I am so confused about what they did/didnt do to me.

I thought it had been good, I was looked after, I wasnt abused

But I feel so utterly unloved and empty.

I beat myself up over everything I do and say

Thought they loved me, but never feel heard, needed, good enough

Am trying so hard to untangle the mess by thinking and reading and writing things down - but it just gets bigger and more complex

I dont know if I can do this on my own

[hummm_mabbe]

Detached protector? not sure - dont feel protected

I am so confused - I dont know what I am feeling - getting so lost again.

always reading about terrible families and dont understand why I am like this.

I am so confused about what they did/didnt do to me.

I thought it had been good, I was looked after, I wasnt abused

But I feel so utterly unloved and empty.

I beat myself up over everything I do and say

Thought they loved me, but never feel heard, needed, good enough

Am trying so hard to untangle the mess by thinking and reading and writing things down - but it just gets bigger and more complex

I dont know if I can do this on my own

heewo

The detached protector is that mode where you feel nothing at all - just numb and unconnected. It momentarily stops you feeling emotional pain - but you may flip out of it quickly because for you, you NEED to feel something. You may then flip into your abandoned child mode, the one that feels afraid, sad, attacked etc. Read the chapter on the detached protector and you will see what I mean

If you read a book called Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt, you will read that ABUSE (eg physical, sexual) is not necessary to cause personality problems. From the work of Linehan and others, the common denominator in the majority of PD cases is INVALIDATION - exactly what you just said - not feeling heard, understood, not being allowed to be YOU - and so having to replace your personality with what you THINK is right. The findings are that abuse increases symtpom severity - eg cutting, substance abuse and so on, but in a family that abuses you will also find that invalidation takes place as well. "Dont tell anyone - you wont be believed" - and usually, they arent. This type of chronic invaildation is therefore Emotional Abuse. You may not have been molested or regularly beaten, but the subtle and ongoing deprivation of the emotional sustenance that a childs brain needs is just as damaging to a human. It doesnt SEEM as bad as child sexual abuse or physical attacks, but the simple fact is it DOES lead to pesonality difficulties. Sexual and physcial abuse, the findings say, ramp up symtpom intensity but are not REQUIRED for PD sysmptoms to appear.

It sounds as though your were plenty invalidated. All 3 members of my family invalidated me, and I was never quite sure who I was meant to be at any given time. I found I had to change my personality for each one, and they would tell me what i was feeling or should be feeling.

I would go back to the book and look up Gerhardts sources but mehh it will take ages. Awesome book, very much an important read for those with PD's.

[walker]

thankyou

I know I was always being told not to get angry, jealous, rude, loud, show off etc etc etc

The whole 'abuse' thing is difficult - because I have spent decades abusing myself by putting myself down, eating crap, avoiding things that could give me pleasure, criticising everything I do, hating myself, even slamming myself for writing on here.

Yet the doc would not see that as self abuse.

What is the bloody point - no one wants to work with me on this - everyone wants me 'functioning'. My husband my kids my parents my friends

If I carry on they will all hate me. If I dont hide, they will all leave me

I know nothing is worthwhile, I will die anyway - there is no point