Getting Better? Nooooooooooooooooo

[hummm_mabbe]

thankyou

I know I was always being told not to get angry, jealous, rude, loud, show off etc etc etc

The whole 'abuse' thing is difficult - because I have spent decades abusing myself by putting myself down, eating crap, avoiding things that could give me pleasure, criticising everything I do, hating myself, even slamming myself for writing on here.

Yet the doc would not see that as self abuse.

What is the bloody point - no one wants to work with me on this - everyone wants me 'functioning'. My husband my kids my parents my friends

If I carry on they will all hate me. If I dont hide, they will all leave me

I know nothing is worthwhile, I will die anyway - there is no point

I know missie squiffles. Tis more poo than cowpat

The self abuse, to my mind, is again that voice that is locked inside your head that came from outsde - the critical voice that made you feel evil and bad. And that would come along at the same time as the occasional but of love too, a scrap that you so badly wanted. So you would have ended up feeling that in order to feel alive, you have to feel pain. As a 'bad' child, if you werent punished you would do more 'bad things' and then be rejected agai - so you had to start to police yourself with all these self-abusive things. You mum brainwashed you perfectly into being your own finest critic, and now that is what you are. Or rather - that is your Punitve Parent mode - the one that tells you how crao you are, makes you feel awful, stops you looking after yourself, maybe even sometimes hurt yourself (i dunno).

I thinkie at the moment you just need to vent vent vent - and keep venting. Others may feel that there should be some time limit on it - but this has been inside you for over 40 years. Like I said, I did nothing BUT vent for the first 6 sessions of schema - my therapist realised that was what I needed and she let me, and priovided a caring, validating ear for me. I thinkie thats wht you need right now. Its too early for CBT, DBT, STEPPS and all this problem solving stuff. You need to be HEARD and UNDERSTOOD, and for a long time, heard again and again until you start to feel that at last its real, at last you DO deserve to be given some airtime. Missie W hasnt had any of that so far and her little heartie part has kept score of the deficit. Now she needs some payback.

That my opinion anyhooz

Rossie McHopeYouCanVenteyAsMuchAsYouLikey

[walker]

Oh Rossie you are so kind to all of us

I cant do this

WHO THE HELL AM I?

Trying to be a mum - but resent it, then feel guilty

My head is a mess

I CANT DO THIS - I am wrong

No good at being anything or anyone

I AM BAD, a bad person

My head is full of shoulds and hate

HATE HER - lazy bitch - she's a crap mum, crap teacher, crap person

She shouldn't be here

[hummm_mabbe]

Oh Rossie you are so kind to all of us

I cant do this

WHO THE HELL AM I?

Trying to be a mum - but resent it, then feel guilty

My head is a mess

I CANT DO THIS - I am wrong

No good at being anything or anyone

I AM BAD, a bad person

My head is full of shoulds and hate

HATE HER - lazy bitch - she's a crap mum, crap teacher, crap person

She shouldn't be here

twiffles

yuppely that’s how I feel too so often, like sometimes I feel ok, and then this voice kicks in and I’m crap, stupid, pathetic, selfish ... you have been struggling for sooo long now with all that SHIT that someone else put inside of you, like someone who decided to put up a building and decided not to bother with a foundation, and then blamed the bricks and the mortar when it started to fall down ... THEY are like bad architects, who saw themselves as all powerful but didn’t know the first thing about keeping something precious, and special, upright and proud. And then THEY, out of ego and not wanting to take the responsibility - they say "oh well you can’t blame me, it’s not fair to hurt me with your wicked words. The building fell down? Well how can it be my fault? My lecturers never taught me how to build a foundation. Oh sure, I could have found out, I could have learned from someone else, I could have learned where the cracks came from in my own foundations and tried to at least repair them later - but why should I? My lecturers were mean and cruel. Let bygones be bygones, You cant change the past. Why should I have had to make the effort (THAT YOU ARE NOW HAVING TO MAKE YOURSELF - IF YOU CAN DO IT .... WHY COULDN’T THEY??).

If an architect creates a structure and it is built with sensitivities to the environment that leave it open to falling down, then HE will be punished. He will have his right to create buildings taken away. But a parent - where is the regulatory body there to ensure that parents do not pass on their own ignorance? Just because THERE ISNT ANYONE TO DO THAT, why should GENERATIONS of children have to ensure the SAME outcomes over and over just because the PREVIOUS generation also suffered it? Its like some fucking fetid family heirloom, like your great grandfathers used colostomy bag - being handed down. I HAD IT - SO DONT FUCKING ARGUE. ITS AN HEIRLOOM.

You were not bad, you are not bad. You just got handed the same shit that everyone else was too weak, too selfish to look at and go "hang on, this belongs in the bin" - and who lacked the COURAGE - THAT YOU CLEARLY HAVE - to make a change.

You are gong thru HELL right now that your mother NEVER DID. She passed on that heirloom to you without a second thought - in fact, probably even congratulated herself for raising a child she could control with a look, or a comment. Never mind that the child's very foundations of her HAPPINESS were built on nothing.. she NEVER would have gone through that. OK she suffered at her parents hands too ... but now YOU are suffering for a second time because you want MORE THAN ANYTHING to spare your family from it. First you must heal yourself before you can pass on the benefit of the love and holding that is rightly yours.

The true cowards are those who hide behind 'good reasons' for not confronting these problems and who pass them on anyway, with nothing more than their own fear to blame but still plenty of good excuses, baseless head-burying, rationalisation and claims of offence - "how DARE you tell me that - do you know what I went through?" You are making NONE of these, you are facing it. You are feeling the hurt for another time in order to recover - but like an athlete going through physiotherapy - moving the injured limb HURTS LIKE HELL.

In my view, you are a soldier - you are a hero. You may not see it because you see a 'hero' as someone who is never scared or who always acts knowing what’s right.

Courage is not 'not being scared' ... courage is being TERRIFIED and UNCERTAIN - and acting nonetheless.

[wednesday]

Walker and Ross

I agree so much. When it comes down to it, I am always fighting tose very same basic beliefs and the smallest scrap of evidence there is, I fall right back to it.

I'm just trying to see that it is not so---and that these beliefs are from a childhood without a voice.

[hummm_mabbe]

Walker and Ross

I agree so much. When it comes down to it, I am always fighting tose very same basic beliefs and the smallest scrap of evidence there is, I fall right back to it.

I'm just trying to see that it is not so---and that these beliefs are from a childhood without a voice.

huggle

YES - that iccle wednesday, that never could open her gobbie gob, and get the huggles she needed and stuff, but deserved soo much cuz she was a special chiddle. Tis sooo hard becuz even when you have HUGE evidence to show that you were good, and special, and kind, and loving, that horrid programming hijacks your braine and hearty part and takes A BIG ELEPHANT SIZED CRAP on it

Big cuddle and a massive poopa scoopa for to clean away the heffalump poo

Rossie McWhatTheFuckHaveIBeenSmokingToday

[walker]

i am not acting to make things better

i am f***ing wasting my time

i am destroying everything.

You are right, though, I am not only feeling my pain, but that of my children and my parents.

(during the war, my mums house was bombed and several of her family were badly injured - she doesnt remember feeling sad - but I have sat crying over this, and still do. She just refuses to feel)

I want to go

No one wants me to feel the pain, but they dont understand that I must

If they wont let me, then I must go

this is not my life - no one lets me have my life

I dont even know what is me and what is everyone else

I am lost

[hummm_mabbe]

i am not acting to make things better

i am f***ing wasting my time

i am destroying everything.

You are right, though, I am not only feeling my pain, but that of my children and my parents.

(during the war, my mums house was bombed and several of her family were badly injured - she doesnt remember feeling sad - but I have sat crying over this, and still do. She just refuses to feel)

I want to go

No one wants me to feel the pain, but they dont understand that I must

If they wont let me, then I must go

this is not my life - no one lets me have my life

I dont even know what is me and what is everyone else

I am lost

tis a toguhie to give u tha luvs over posts, but I hopey that i can help a iccle!

Is it becuz you feel like you want to stay ill that you feel that you arent trying, and that you are wasting your time? I could see why you would feel that way - you are under soo much pressure to get better, and becuase of that you feel that you should be maybe? Cuz everyone else thinks you should be all better in a few months, then this must be true, and so if you arent doing what youre told, then you must be bad?

I could understand you feeling that, it makes sense emotionally speaking, and fits with what you have been made to think of yourself. It sounds to me like you are in crisis with your feelings and your life, but no one else will see it or belive it. It feels like to them this a just Phase, or that you are being difficult, but inside you feel completely destroyed? If it were me, I would feel like no matter how loud I shout, no one will hear me, I would feel despearte and alone and like everything I said was a lie, and doubt everything and blame myself even more. But a bit of me would be fighting and saying "NO! THIS HURTS! THIS IS REAL! WHY WONT YOU LISTEN!!".

If it were me, I would want to dig my heels in and do NOTHING AT ALL until someone at last said - ok I hear you. You are suffering, you are in pain. You are going through something that few people will ever have to go through - and you need to be heard, you need to be supported, and you arent getting that right now.

And I think that you arent getting it, getting the comfort and support you need. People just want you to be 'fixed' and get on with it - but Misse W cant be fixed so easy this time, she cant just shut up and be a good girl. Shes been pushed too far this time

[walker]

YES YES YES

but my depression has gone so I have to go back

No one cares about T -

I want to go back to work and crush into a million little pieces - and show them all the pain I am in

But I am too frightened to let anyone see

Little T wants to come out and scream at the world, but nobody cares - she should have died years ago

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

[hummm_mabbe]

YES YES YES

but my depression has gone so I have to go back

No one cares about T -

I want to go back to work and crush into a million little pieces - and show them all the pain I am in

But I am too frightened to let anyone see

Little T wants to come out and scream at the world, but nobody cares - she should have died years ago

BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD

In tha bippidee - depression is always changing. Becuz our moods alter all the time, we can depressed one moment, and then different rhe next. We can go through periods of greater depression, but the swings into it are always there. The first aim of treating bippidee is to try to get an handle on the swings. If you readie yer bookie, you will see that when Bippidees go to theraists, often thwey are in the detached protector mode - its like their pain "dries up" when talking to them - but its still there. And then the swings happen. Mabbe start to record those swings - notice how frequent they are and tell james this.

Just because you may have come out of a period of majr depression, doesnt mean you are BETTER. It just means a phase of depression hs stopped.

[walker]

yer I read

I read and read and write and think

and none of it matters anymore

nothing, there is no point to any of it

I am nothing

no one cares about T, they care about a person they see, but really they care about feeling safe

you are truly kind and there are so many good people on here

I want to go - I cant live in a world where no one gives me love

[BPD]

SAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAMSAM

[hummm_mabbe]

yer I read

I read and read and write and think

and none of it matters anymore

nothing, there is no point to any of it

I am nothing

no one cares about T, they care about a person they see, but really they care about feeling safe

you are truly kind and there are so many good people on here

I want to go - I cant live in a world where no one gives me love

There is love in this world, but right now none of it is coming your way.

Keep lettin it out Missie W, no one will ever tell you to stop. Keep pouring it out and out cuz we have bil ol swimmin pools to stuff it in for yaz, cuz you are spesh to us all.

Huggle and next bucket for missie W to vent into.

What is it that you remember most when you think back to how you felt when iccle? Can you think of a time recetly where u have felt the same as when you were an iccle chid? Feeling you want to just give up, stop feeling all this pain, stop feeling so stuck and yet so unheard?

Rossie McWantsYouToVentey

[walker]

keep the buckets coming.

Not sure I would know love or acceptance, not sure I would recognise it or that I could ever trust it.

but living without it is like living without breathing.

I am so sorry

ed. dont know - deputy head was trigger in feb - saw through me, saw what I pile of shit I am, saw what a crap teacher I am

= hotline to critical self = left school

stuck on lots of childhood, dont think I can take it -

too tired

too much hurt

too lost

[wednesday]

Walker -it really sounds as though people are shouting at you 'JUST ACT NORMAL'

and of course you can't. I wasn't in deep depression when I finally got help. You have to be more honest with your GP and really get them to see how much pain you are in. It is very difficult-all they tend to see is the successful relationship and career.. Trying to get them to listen to you is really hard and when I was at my worst, they said I was even poorer at communicating. I would go into professional mode and just expect them to see how bad it was.

How much help are you getting Walker? Is there anyone you can explain all this to?

[hummm_mabbe]

Walker -it really sounds as though people are shouting at you 'JUST ACT NORMAL'

and of course you can't. I wasn't in deep depression when I finally got help. You have to be more honest with your GP and really get them to see how much pain you are in. It is very difficult-all they tend to see is the successful relationship and career.. Trying to get them to listen to you is really hard and when I was at my worst, they said I was even poorer at communicating. I would go into professional mode and just expect them to see how bad it was.

How much help are you getting Walker? Is there anyone you can explain all this to?

yuppelly - my GP was totally gobsmacked when she heard the psych had dx'd me BPD. I realised I NEVER articulated my pain to anyone properly, and so they, like with you, just saw job etc and figured must be ok.. but as bippideers, we dont let ourselves show emotion unless were forced. Thats why doccie docs should be made to KNOW about these things. Humph.

[walker]

my gp hasnt even heard of bpd

my head is splitting

[hummm_mabbe]

my gp hasnt even heard of bpd

my head is splitting

Only thing I can think of is this:

The American DSM-IV - Axis II - Diagnosis is "Borderline Personality Disorder"

The UK ICD-10 Diagnosis is "Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder"

These are both names for the same thing under different diagnostic systems. Maybe she just doesnt know the DSM one. I HOPE.

[walker]

when I told her she just said 'we all have different personalities'

today i dont give a f

it is breaking apart in

so hard

child grown up mum mess

take it away please makke it go

[walker]

cant be all things to all men,

cant be me

dont have a clue who I am

cant live like this

sod therapy

sod it all

no one cares about me

they just want me to be other people

[wednesday]

What really matters is that your GP or psychiatrist sees how much distress you are in right now. As I understand it, my psychiatrist is sort of responsible for my well being because I have bpd. It is very upsetting to go to the GP and not be heard or understood, I know how risky it feels to ask for help.

My Gp hasn't a clue about bpd either, he just says they don't treat it. However, if you are in distress, they should help you.

I am so sorry you are having such a bad time. I know how had it is to get them to listen.

[walker]

no therapist for 2 weeks prob making it worse

psych not interested - need to slash my wrists for him to wake up i think

[wednesday]

HUGS!!!

[walker]

need hugs, thanks

no hugs here

cant feel any love

cant feel anything

cant let anyone near me

[walker]

my head is contacting occ health next week to begin planning my return to school

I am going into hiding - little T must hide and hurt under cover

she cannot show her face - no one wants her

I will begin again and everyone will smile and say 'you look well, we are so glad you're better'

they cannot see the lies

they cannot feel the piercing loneliness

they could not imagine the utter isolation

they will not know the overwhelming need for love, that is consuming me

Yey T will return - like an empty shell