Ednos

[~LouLou~]

I have always suffered from an extremely poor self image. As a teenager I constantly compared myself to my peers, despite being a healthy weight and size for my height. I was a UK size 10. A perfectly acceptable size for any normal human being. Not me though. I would go the entire day at school eating nothing and then binge on chocolate and crisps when I got home.

At 16 I went through one of the most difficult times of my life. I was prescribed anti-psychotics. They made me gain an incredible amount of weight. I was constantly hungry and would binge on extremely large amounts of food. High calorie food. I went from a healthy 10st 7lbs to 17st within a very short period of time. I was in an absolutely terrible state at the time and had just been admitted to a psychiatric hospital and my extreme emotions just caused me to binge even more as a coping mechanism.

Now 7 years down the line I am the complete opposite. I am completely obsessive about my weight. I will go days without eating anything or eating very little at all. The very little I eat I will normally purge. Some days I will purge even when I have only been drinking fluids. I am constantly tired. Dizzy. Weak. My chest hurts and whilst cleaning my teeth I have noticed a lot of blood. My gums are bleeding. I know what I'm doing is extremely unhealthy. All those symptoms should be enough to tell me that, but when I see the numbers on the scales go down each week I feel this sense of power. I can't control or find it extremely hard to control all other aspects of my life, but weight is something I can control. I can control what I eat!

It's becoming more than a control issue now though. I see thin people as being accepted. Liked. Loved. I constantly think to myself that if I am thinner, people will want me more. Love me and not leave me. Everyone likes thin people don't they?

Weight has always played a significant part in my life, but the last year and especially in the last 10 months I think maybe it has begun to spiral out of control. I have told my doctor and my psychiatrist about my concerns. Well maybe I have been a little vague and haven't told them the entire truth. Every time I try though, other aspects of my life such as my BPD or OCD seem to overshadow my issues surrounding my weight and food. I am now a healthy weight for my height, although losing weight at an alarming rate. They don't see it as a concern, or at least not yet and that worries me.

All this sounds so fucked up. I know that I am damaging my body, but I feel powerless to stop. My need to be accepted. Wanted. Loved is greater.

Am I beginning to spiral out of control? Should my doctor and psych be worried?

Loulou

x

P.S Some of what I have said may sound similar as I adjusted what I had written as a reply in another thread.

[Lily-Bee]

I think its very brave of you to write about this so honostly, that you are willing to look at it.

The fact that you say you are powerless to stop tells me you are not in control at all, if you where in control you could stop, IT has control over you and that needs to stop.

Can I ask you something? I myself have had anorexia that turned into binge eating disorder I am now quite overweight, if you met me would you like me less because I am overweight???

If not then why do you think that doesn;t apply to you, why would people like you less at a healthy weight??

Oh and also when I was really skinny and felt great about my weight most people found me scary and not attractive at all........

Lilly

[~LouLou~]

I think its very brave of you to write about this so honostly, that you are willing to look at it.

The fact that you say you are powerless to stop tells me you are not in control at all, if you where in control you could stop, IT has control over you and that needs to stop.

Can I ask you something? I myself have had anorexia that turned into binge eating disorder I am now quite overweight, if you met me would you like me less because I am overweight???

If not then why do you think that doesn;t apply to you, why would people like you less at a healthy weight??

Oh and also when I was really skinny and felt great about my weight most people found me scary and not attractive at all........

Lilly

It's more about how other's perceive overweight people, rather than how I perceive them. I constantly compare myself to boyfriends, potential boyfriends ex girlfriends and friends other friends. When a situation goes wrong with either one and I am left alone I think to myself 'Is it because I'm not thin enough or just because I'm a complete nutcase or both?' This applies more to boyfriends or potential boyfriends. How often do you see men ogling people my size? You don't.

I thought my eating disorder was all about control. It's not anymore though. It's about both control and wanting to be accepted.

I thought opening up and writing down my feelings would help me. It didn't. I ate and purged straight after.

I hope all that made sense.

Loulou

x

[Tray]

hi. i was pretty much anorexic when i was 15, i weighed 8 stone, acceptable for my height, but it was cause i didnt eat, like ever... and i abused laxatives very badly...

then i went the op way and started eating too much crap, and so the laxatives abuse got worse... when that didnt work, id be sick... im now 32 and have a screwed up body.

i am overwieght by bout 20 kilo's still i reckon, even tho i have lost over 30 now (for my heartburn surgery i had)

BUT... i have a bad bad bad attitude to food. i will starve, then binge/purge... i dont eat three meals a day, unless i am in hosp, and then i will make myself sick if i can. I purposly eat to be sick when i am feeling low and hurting as it helps get my feelings out. I hate the thought of food in my tummy.

BUT BUT BUT... i have IBS now, since i was 16, my tummy doesnt handle food well. I eat, i crap straight away... when its bad, i have to stop halfway throu eating and go to the loo, and IT HURTS. The tummy cramps are so painful, like there is an elephant fighting its way throu your insides.

since my op in feb, I cannot be sick, the way they have built the new muscle, it wont let me... it hasnt stopped me trying, and two weeks ago, i actaully felt the stitches tear, i can be sick a little now...

and this is the biggest BUT of all... I am pregnant now, 13 weeks. since i got pregnant i have lost 6 kilo's, mainly because in the start, i didnt feel like eating... but now, i have that control over food back... i can resist food, the thought of it sliding down my throat makes me want to vomit. I actaully am gagging now... I am overweight, so the baby wont suffer, it will get its nutrients from my fat stores, i have read up on it. I wont do anything to harm it, but i cant eat... i dont want to, and when i do, i eat a bit and then feel so disgusted with myself, i have to try and be sick, which FUKING HURTS. my scars are still sore, and i havnt fully healed inside, the op was unsuccesful anyway, but i now have heartburn back... i have to have tests as soon when baby is born... and this is why...

the heartburn, thats my fault for bad eating habits, binging/purging, its screwed my tummy muscle up... to the extent that i have substantial scaring in my food pipe, where food can stick when i swallow. without the operation to stop the heartburn, as meds were no longer controlling it, i was looking at withing 10-15 years, never being able to eat again, as the tube would be too blocked... thats if i hadnt devoloped oesophageal cancer first...

but i still cant stop myself...

i just wanted to say to you, get help now before it gets too late.

its too late for a lot of my body, im 32 and shite myself at least once a week as i have no control anymore... i am looking at a life time of either tube feeding, or cancer...

and i am still fat... its all for nothing, because at the end of the day... my friends accept me for me, they dont care if im thin or fat...

its hard to get over, its an addiction, as bad as a heroin addiction...

If i could go back in time, i would not have started on this road

[~LouLou~]

hi. i was pretty much anorexic when i was 15, i weighed 8 stone, acceptable for my height, but it was cause i didnt eat, like ever... and i abused laxatives very badly...

then i went the op way and started eating too much crap, and so the laxatives abuse got worse... when that didnt work, id be sick... im now 32 and have a screwed up body.

i am overwieght by bout 20 kilo's still i reckon, even tho i have lost over 30 now (for my heartburn surgery i had)

BUT... i have a bad bad bad attitude to food. i will starve, then binge/purge... i dont eat three meals a day, unless i am in hosp, and then i will make myself sick if i can. I purposly eat to be sick when i am feeling low and hurting as it helps get my feelings out. I hate the thought of food in my tummy.

BUT BUT BUT... i have IBS now, since i was 16, my tummy doesnt handle food well. I eat, i crap straight away... when its bad, i have to stop halfway throu eating and go to the loo, and IT HURTS. The tummy cramps are so painful, like there is an elephant fighting its way throu your insides.

since my op in feb, I cannot be sick, the way they have built the new muscle, it wont let me... it hasnt stopped me trying, and two weeks ago, i actaully felt the stitches tear, i can be sick a little now...

and this is the biggest BUT of all... I am pregnant now, 13 weeks. since i got pregnant i have lost 6 kilo's, mainly because in the start, i didnt feel like eating... but now, i have that control over food back... i can resist food, the thought of it sliding down my throat makes me want to vomit. I actaully am gagging now... I am overweight, so the baby wont suffer, it will get its nutrients from my fat stores, i have read up on it. I wont do anything to harm it, but i cant eat... i dont want to, and when i do, i eat a bit and then feel so disgusted with myself, i have to try and be sick, which FUKING HURTS. my scars are still sore, and i havnt fully healed inside, the op was unsuccesful anyway, but i now have heartburn back... i have to have tests as soon when baby is born... and this is why...

the heartburn, thats my fault for bad eating habits, binging/purging, its screwed my tummy muscle up... to the extent that i have substantial scaring in my food pipe, where food can stick when i swallow. without the operation to stop the heartburn, as meds were no longer controlling it, i was looking at withing 10-15 years, never being able to eat again, as the tube would be too blocked... thats if i hadnt devoloped oesophageal cancer first...

but i still cant stop myself...

i just wanted to say to you, get help now before it gets too late.

its too late for a lot of my body, im 32 and shite myself at least once a week as i have no control anymore... i am looking at a life time of either tube feeding, or cancer...

and i am still fat... its all for nothing, because at the end of the day... my friends accept me for me, they dont care if im thin or fat...

its hard to get over, its an addiction, as bad as a heroin addiction...

If i could go back in time, i would not have started on this road

I read your story over and over again and all I could do was cry.

I may not have the complications that you have experienced or are going through, but I do understand fully what it is like not being able to stop yourself.

I have been with my best friend solidly for the last 2 days. He is fully aware of my eating disorder and is begging me to get help before it spirals completely out of control. He has also done his upmost to get me to eat and although he has, I feel disgusted with myself. I have tried to eat as little as I can and what I have eaten I want to purge. He wouldn't let me. Not whilst I was in his company. He told me he would walk away from me if I did. I cannot risk losing the best friend I have ever had, so forced myself not too despite all the tears and the panic I was feeling.

After 2 days of eating though my body feels different. My chest hurts more and my stomach hurts constantly. My worst fear though despite that? The amount of weight I have or might have gained in the last 2 days.

Deep down I know that I need to get help, but part of me doesn't want it and that frightens myself and my best friend.

Tray, lots of love and hugs.

Loulou

x

[Tray]

it will hurt to eat, phsically and psycohologically. I get a lot of chest pain now, partly my heartburn, but its like a full dragging feeling when i eat.

It is hard, i wont lie to you. I dont want to get better, even after what i am going throu, I need this control in my life even now, you would think i had learnt my lesson by now

you need to take it one meal at a time, try eating little and often. Best advice is go to your gp and insist on seing a dietician. explain that you are stressed about eating, and gaining weight. Eating proper food and doing moderate excersise, you will not gain weight. and if you have a slip up, accept that and start again.

the body needs so many calories to survive, but you need to do this properly now... its scary, but you will feel better in the long run, and if stops you from screwing your body up, then even better!

worst is now, I am overweight, and I dont care so much about that, I have accepted I am never gona look like a supermodel... but that doesnt stop me feeling fat on the inside when i eat...

i really hope you can get throu this xxx