Howdy From The Wild West!

[befuddled]

Hello all,

I am not diagnosed and have never seen a mental health professional. I live in a very remote area in the western Untited States with my much older husband and a bunch of pets and outdoor animals - no children.

I am early fifties, he is mid seventies, we have been married for 20 years.

I have led a rather lively and varied life. I was abused by my older brother from age 3 til 6. I had forgotten completely until about 10 years ago. I was born and raised in Europe and left home at 16.

I have settled down much from my earlier behaviors, but I am definitely not what people describe as normal. Although I do present myself well, control myself well and am popular when among people. I can go for months without seeing anyone but my husband - but I do attend conventions and speak to large groups worldwide periodically.

I have an outer personality that is not my real self. It's like a role I play, and I do play it well enough so everyone thinks it's genuine. That is the way I feel.

I used to be sexually very promiscuous and still can be found having affairs at conventions. I have learned to be very discreet about it. I used to drink way too much and smoke a lot of marihuana. I still indulge but am in control now. I do use them to medicate my feelings, but I do so without getting very drunk. I have it down to a science I guess.

I used to have fits of anger, but not so much anymore. I always had and still have bouts of depression.

I tried to kill myself twice - seriously - once when I was 17 and once when I was 23. Not since. It almost worked when I was 23. I was very upset when I gained consciousness in a hospital.

I also am overweight and overeat. I eat when I am unhappy to comfort myself, when I am happy to reward myself, and whatever reason presents itself. The last ten years I have managed to keep my weight around the same - making it just barely possible to travel by air in the budget section.

I get to states where I want to do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can do that for weeks and months if not stimulated into action somehow. I just get up and eat and sit and go back to bed, to do it all over again.

I get to where I suddenly strongly distrust the people I work with (online, I work online) and can get really paranoid. Then again I can be totally stoic and resilient and others are amazed at how well I handle bad situations. I think my resiliency is just that I shut part of me down as needed.

I can also have some idea and start a business and stay acutely involved and very productive for years.

I am like a walking contradiction.

My marriage was volatile for the first decade, but we have both settled into a routine with each other and are supportive of each other and it works. The thought of him passing terrifies me.

This is the first time I opened up about any of this. It is prompted by encountering someone who seems a lot worse off than me - in his early 30s and I don't think he can feel normally or tell the difference between himself and others. I watch him and interact with him online and on conventions and see glimpses of me - but I am not nearly as different as he is. I appear to be the only person he has met who can understand him. He is a narcissist - as was my brother (the abuser, who also ended up abusing my parents late in life. There is a very long and awful story around that, involving me towards the end. I did study narcisssism thoroughly because of my brother.) This person has much in common with my brother and I went through all kinds of things with him before we were able to outline a relationship framework that works. Or at least seems to at the time.

Well, I can never tell all about me in one message. It feels good to talk about it - but rereading it is also very full of gaps.

Thanks for listening!

[summer]

Welcome befuddled,

Hope you can find support here. Looking forward to chatting with you. :D

[befuddled]

Welcome befuddled,

        Hope you can find support here. Looking forward to chatting with you. 

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thank you Summer! :D