Questions, Questions, Questions...

[befuddled]

It is strange to even admit anything is wrong with me at all. Usually you hear me talking - you'd think I have not a worry in the world.

Well, from the reading I have done I feel I do fit here, albeit perhaps not exactly. Never having been diagnosed doesn't help.

How is BPD usually treated? With talk therapy? With drugs?

Do people have varying symptoms? Does it change as you go? I seem to have gotten better with age (hehe, pun intended ), and without treatment. It's not like I have changed, I just manage myself better.

Also, remembering my childhood abuse appears to have been pivotal for me. At first for the worse, but then I do feel I am getting over some things.

I can't even talk or think about myself without contradicting myself.

Sometimes I think I may have a second person on board - but I am always aware of the second person. We switch off by agreement, so it never seemed like I had what people called an alter. Maybe I am wrong and I do, and that is where all the internal contradiction lies. There is the me who deals with others, and there is the real me.

I am having trouble writing about myself here, because I am speaking to other people, but I want to talk about my real self. Hmmm, I guess that sounds right.

You see, I don't think about these things as a rule. Ever since I started looking at myself I started objecting to what I think. It's nuts!

Well, I am determined to look at myself - there are some areas of my life where I am not functioning well and I want to clean it up. Somehow I feel I am ready and the time has come to sort everything out.

I am very hopeful that being able to write here will help a lot.

Thank you so much for making this forum available.

[LanieD116]

Good for you Befuddled!

You sound very strong and able to control the negative aspects of your struggle.

Reminds me of my hubby. I admire that he's been able to survive and manage the struggles of BPD - if he has this - and it amazes me that he's managed it so well.

I've read some and know very little so far except that sometimes anti depressants help for the depression and rage part - some what.

The rest I believe is thru therapy - confronting the past - dealing with it, and learning how to let go of the pain.

You sure sound like you have a jump start!

you'll love this site - browse the different forums.

Have you read STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS?... it's really written for the non-BP to help us understand what our loved ones are dealing with - but it sure would answer alot of your questions and it's agreat - interesting book.

Hope to see you on sometime!

Good luck to you!

Lanie <><

[wabbit]

BPD is treated with both talk therapy and medication therapy. Supposedly, BPD does get better with age, not sure I believe that. I think many ppl like you have just learned ways to deal with it. Not that that is a bad thing.

We are not all clones of each others illness. Just like cancer, there varying degrees of illness. For example, some ppl cut and rage, I dont do any of these things. Just like you prolly dont do stuff I do.

Do you have a therapist? If not, it might be time to find one. Even if its just for peace of mind. I am sure that your doubts about your other person will be dispelled, or confirmed. I think that you need to empower yourself and get some answers. I am sure it will help you get even better than ya already HAH? Are you fermenting? HAAH!

Take Gentle care

Wabbit

[befuddled]

Thank you for replying, Lanie and Wabbit.

I was very apprehensive about writing about myself. Your encouraging words are helping me make up my mind more firmly to deal with this.

I could just continue as usual - and survive all right. I have no more suicidal thoughts for the present, although I am quite sure that should I end up alone and in ill health I would likely choose that route again. It does not scare me in the least. I still think it would have been good had I succeeded last time. But now I have things to live for - I did not then.

I am not abusing alcohol anymore to the point of it doing any damage - I am very carefully dosing myself, drinking in the evening and going to bed when I reach my set limit. It has worked for 10 years. I have never abused other drugs excessively. I do eat too much still - but even there, I have reached a compromise with myself - this far and no further. I have kept my weight for ten years, and actually weigh less now than then. I am fat, to put it bluntly, but enough under control to physically function in all life situations. My promiscuity is also firmly under control - very occasionally I indulge very discreetly, and it happens less and less often.

Also 10 years ago I learned how to make my relationship with my husband a smooth one. We both feel secure and there is no friction. I stopped my rage back then. Before that I would rage several evenings per week - I have no idea how he put up with it.

I never cut myself - but I had other ways of hurting myself. Almost invisible ones. I stopped this, also.

What was the magical thing that happened 10 years ago? I remembered. Everything. And 3 years ago I had to fight my abusive brother - in several court appearances, and he also harassed me daily, called daily to leave enough messages to fill the answering machine. I ended up getting a second number and just letting him vent on the original machine - he did for over two years. It was baptism by fire - one day I will tell all I hope but I am leery to - I don't know how anyone else would react to it. It is so bad, it is almost surreal. It is material for a real terror flick. I don't think it is fair to let anyone else live through it - even if only as a story.

For years I had dreams - I would barely catch any deep sleep anymore but have these lifelike dreams that I could almost control, but not quite. Everything happened all over again. I relived my childhood, and also all the horrible events from 3 years ago in lifelike, colored dreams. I could not stop thinking about it during the day, and I had many, many phases of withdrawal, doing nothing for weeks and months. I did fight him in real life though, and I did win what was to be won there. At the end, I saw him as the pathetic figure he really was and had no more fear. He had NPD, at it's worst. He was a shell of a person, and pityful, and very dangerous. He passed away last year.

Now I feel like I am about to climb out of a deep pit - like some sort of epiphany is about to happen.

The main problems I still have are sudden and irrational trust/paranoia issues, the inertia that overcomes me sometimes, and depression issues. It would probably be a good thing to be the same person when dealing with others as I am when by myself, but I don't think that will ever happen, and I am used to it. It is working for me, it is not hurting anything I think. Mostly I want to get rid of the phases of inertia. They interfere with daily life. They are a handicap.

Depression is less frequent now. Maybe hormonal changes help there - I am post menopausal now.

So, overall I am doing not too shabby. "Fermenting" nicely! Gaining control of my life, piece by piece.

Therapy is a problem if I have to go someplace in person. It is a two hour drive to the next town that has therapists - two of them. Not much of a choice there. I don't exactly live in a metropolitan area. Nature has been my therapy in a way - there is nothing like the serenity I can gain by walking in the old forest by myself, or frolicking in a meadow with my dogs, or sitting by the pond watching the ducks. Living way out here has been very good for me, for letting down my defenses, for gaining peace.

I work online and several times a year I get on a plane somewhere to attend conventions and I function just fine there. I am not a total recluse, I do go among people and even enjoy it. I have friends - but most live far away and we communicate online and on the phone and I visit them occasionally. I have issues with people visiting me - I get to where I buy almost everything new before I invite people, and then I invite everyone in succession to get it out of the way for a few years. Then I pay visits to them, until I feel forced to invite people again and go through the same thing. That is pretty nuts I guess. I must be more compulsive than I realize.

I am sorry for my rambling. I guess everything just wants to spill out now...I hope in time I will learn to be more of a helpful person here. I feel a bit guilty just venting and having nothing to give back to you guys...

[LanieD116]

Vent away - it's what we all do - it feels like such a relief.

The more I read, the more it helps me to understand my precious husband - so your venting is a help!

Lanie

[befuddled]

I think my husband is a saint for having put up with some of my escapades.

In my bouts of anger I could be pretty mean - stopping just short of physically abusive. He would be stoic, calm, letting my anger drip off him like pearls of water on a well waxed car.

I used to try to make him pack up and leave - even though it was my biggest fear.

I try to make up for it now - he is getting older and I am so glad I can be the support to him now that he so much deserves. Getting control over my anger was the single most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I still get angry - but I don't have to act out anymore. I can channel it, get it out of my system without hurting others or myself. I am so grateful for that.

Lanie, you must be a very special person. Your husband is very lucky.

[verbena]

It is strange to even admit anything is wrong with me at all. Usually you hear me talking - you'd think I have not a worry in the world.

Well, from the reading I have done I feel I do fit here, albeit perhaps not exactly. Never having been diagnosed doesn't help.

How is BPD usually treated? With talk therapy? With drugs?

Do people have varying symptoms? Does it change as you go? I seem to have gotten better with age (hehe, pun intended    ), and without treatment. It's not like I have changed, I just manage myself better.

Also, remembering my childhood abuse appears to have been pivotal for me. At first for the worse, but then I do feel I am getting over some things. 

I can't even talk or think about myself without contradicting myself. 

Sometimes I think I may have a second person on board - but I am always aware of the second person. We switch off by agreement, so it never seemed like I had what people called an alter. Maybe I am wrong and I do, and that is where all the internal contradiction lies. There is the me who deals with others, and there is the real me.

I am having trouble writing about myself here, because I am speaking to other people, but I want to talk about my real self.  Hmmm, I guess that sounds right.

You see, I don't think about these things as a rule. Ever since I started looking at myself I started objecting to what I think. It's nuts!

Well, I am determined to look at myself - there are some areas of my life where I am not functioning well and I want to clean it up. Somehow I feel I am ready and the time has come to sort everything out.

I am very hopeful that being able to write here will help a lot.

Thank you so much for making this forum available.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Befuddled,

Almost everything in your message could have been written by me - not yet diagnosed, but hope to get some answers Wednesday. Older - 46 years, and very interested in learning more. If I don't get answers at my next appointment, I will be very disappointed, because how can I fight an enemy I can't see?

[befuddled]

Well, I kind of know myself but I have no labels to put to things.

It does help to categorize things - it makes them more tangible and easier to figure out.