Random Thoughts

[angelsavo]

not posted for awhile and normal posts are dark and almost crisis topics,

i dont feel in crisis just wanted to write down how i feel [my starting intentions]

i have tryed on paper but normaly throw it all away before i read it so guess i may aswell do it here.

dont know where to ~

bpd? only link with it is a friend in reeal life but that is exrtemely strained and here

i still feel lost within myself and dont know who i realy am,

keep wondering if holding on to bpdworld is healthy in the long term for me?

do i just try to forget about it and move on? i dont know

i rarely reply to posts and dont write much myself unless under alot of stress and self doubt,

cant realy remember when i talked on here for more than a couple of lines to anybody but at the same time i belive its something i need.

if anything happens to me then aleast there some sort of record of me [dont know if that makes sense]

keep thinking/wanting to post daily and keep arecord of emothions and feelings but struggle with that idea,

i want people to know me for me but also still wanting to hide away from th world at same time,

i dont have the family or friends support cos most dont have a clue or/and dont want to know about mental health,

very few people are left in my life now...

am not saying that suicide what i am aiming for but it seems like there is nothing else but to follow that road,

fells like it has always been inside of me and there fore making it my destiny.

last few weeks i started new meds to try keep me out of hospital cos they belive i will become "a problem" if they section me so it is my choice if/when i want to go in,

but if i want to go in they my thoughts are that i must be sane and still making my own choices so am fine to continue without it,

and if i`v gone to far [mentaly] then i wont even think about hospital,

i know what i realy want but i can never admit to it cos it would show planning and there for i would end up in prison.

truth is i am sat here not realy thinking about what i am writing i am just going though my thoughts so maybe i can read them at a later date,

guess i want somebody to understand.

i finished theropy cos i finaly got pissed of with the pdoc, i got bored of the same quetions,

i wanted to have my session and walk away from each one thinging about my past,present and possible future but i dont i walk away not thinking about what was said in theropy until my next appointment,

the new meds leave me not feeling or thinking anything much and within 4/5hours unable to keep my eyes open,

guess that is what some people want but i need to keep my mind active i dont know how to cope when my mind is not racing,

how do you know when somebody is serious about ending there life when stood on a bridge?

they take there shoes off......

guess i am still hanging onto life with both shoes on at the min

angelsavo

destiny to die young but live forever