My First Tattoo! :)

[D.Ash]

Hi there!

Was reading some of the posts on these boards, am really inspired by all the honesty and strength all around. Even in the pain and confusion are moments of insight, clarity and beauty...

Well, I had a rough week last week. I've given up the drugs, the drink, the eating disorders, the wallowing in self-hatred and suicidal fantasies... And yet still there was no sign of forthcoming professional help. It was like I had battled on my own to remove these harmful coping mechanisms, succeeded, and now had no outlet for all this uncontrollable awareness and shame and emotional overload. I have never been a 'cutter' before, but last week I got dangerously obsessed with the idea.

It was consuming my every moment... Need a release for the pain. I wanted someone to take a pickaxe to the back of my head and let the jammed up pain flow freely from my brain.

In this whole journey of discovery, I've been realising that alot of things I have been scared of in the past are actually things that fascinate me, but I have been too reactionary to investigate or explore. Confused - I got lost and started listening to 'society's perceptions'. I recently started a list of 'Things that Darren likes' to start to get an idea of my true identity - it can be quite fun actually! So I went and booked a tattoo - a small design on my upper shoulder (didn't want to go nuts, am aware that I'm way impulsive!!!

Anyway, I managed to battle these self-harming demons all week. Partly cos I knew the artist wouldn't go near me if he saw scars (altho in retrospect, I s'pose I could have just cut somewhere non-visible, I guess I really hadn't thought it thru!).

Right, so Friday I wake up in a foul mood. Really low. I tried all my usual coping techniques for these dark mornings. Nothing was working today. Like a zombie I get on the bus and head into the city...

The rest of the morning is a bit of a blur... All I can remember really is having this huge, goofy grin plastered across my face and a feeling of euphoria I haven't felt in a long time (a heady mix of masochistic relief, sexual arousal and an aldrenilen high unlike any drugs I had experienced (and that's a lot! ) The pain/pleasure thing scared the shit out of me at first, but my body was in waves of ecstacy, and I felt relief, I felt alive, I felt productive, I felt proud. It's been a while since I've had sex, and obviously I've just come off a major substance abuse/alcoholic addiction, so pleasure is something that has almost been engineered out of my life for so long, it really blew me away.

Since friday, I've had a chance to speak to some of my friends who are more experienced in this area, and at least I don't feel like such a freak now. But damn, that day was like a dream that makes me grin from ear to ear.

Since then, I've met a designer who is going to help me develop an idea for another tattoo later (gotta drop a bit of weight first - this one's a chest design I've fantasised about for 10 years!) and have bought a new design for my other arm, hopefully to be done next week. I've got strict rules that I've been thru with the artist involved - no blood, no skulls, no death, nothing below the sleeves or above the neck. I'm entering a new phase of consciousness and I want my body art to reflect that.

For anyone interested I had a ying-yang tribal design on my upper bicep - I'm planning on getting the Gemini/Cancer signs on my other arm next week (My birthday is on the divider)

But most of all... I didn't succumb to the demons last week, and found a way that gives me pleasure to outlet the same feelings in a positive direction. That makes me happy.

Thank you for letting me share. Any other tattoo/piercing fans out there with opinions/advice/thoughts for a newbie? -D

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Argh!!

Do they not tattoo you if you have scars/scabs??

Argh! I didn't even consider this!! :'(

if this is the case, can anyone tell me why?! Oh dear oh dear oh dear.

Thankyou my dear for making me think! Perhaps i can use this as something to focus on, some reason to...abstain from SI.

Panic over.

I too am taken with the idea of certain ..( i cant think of the word) but... things...certain ..moments of clarity across my life path being depicted in art on my body. I just.. love it.

And well done!

i know as a self-injurer how truly difficult it can be to resist, so bravo! it is a very, very hard thing to do, you did well! Does it make you feel that little bit stronger to know that you have resisted?

It always does with me.

Big hugs to you for finding that strength.

Cripple x

[D.Ash]

Hey there!!!

And I thought everyone just ignored my l'il tattoo posting!

The scars thing - I went out of my way to find a reputable, talented and respected Tattoo artist, and built up a personal relationship with them when I went and got my old piercings re-punched (got 3 - ear, nose and... er... answers on a postcard!!! ) The Tattoo parlour has strict rules on no drink/drugs influence, stresses a proper night's sleep and eating within 4 hours previous to any appointment. This is the reason I felt I could trust the establishment (they also made a very big deal out of showing me that the needles were sterilised and fresh, and asked for information regarding hospital results due to my rehab condition).

I am positive there are many tattoo artists and piercers that are not as serious about their work - Cowboys - who will work on anyone in any state. But since I came into consciousness and mindfulness (both of which are still a constant everyday battle!!!) I am always considerate of permanent decisions and make a point to think thru the consequences.

Part of my recovery and daily inspiration is the gradual control I am gaining over my own body, my own self-image. As long as I get some sort of cardio and weights training in every day - as long as I eat enough everyday to survive and keep my metabolism strong enough to withstand the training and rest cycles my body needs - as long as I don't ingest harmful chemicals - as long as I control the physical appearance in some way (making the choice of using either self-harm scars or body art to express my inner self in my physicality) then I win for another day. And yes, I feel stronger every day for taking that control - it feels amazing and inspires me to do think "what else can I achieve?" Even if it's as simple as doing the washing up, working out and not going out searching for a new dealer. That's a great day for me, so far away from where I was in BPD hell.

It's a constant battle of motivation (as you all know!!!) and I slip repeatedly... but I have moved so far forwards from my last full BPD breakdown, that even when I slip, I don't fall that far. Every day is another chance to improve, to move forward even an inch. That's just me.

Thanx for the response, I hope my rambly reply has shed some sort of clarity!!!

Take care, Crip!!! Hugz from your BPD Brother -Dx

[D.Ash]

Sorry, just re-read above.

In answer to your scarring question - said Tattooist believes that you should be in full mindfulness and conciousness when making such a permanent decision for their body. I think that he believes that if someone is in the throes of mental health problems, he is not comfortable with altering their bodies in such a way that they may regret later.

I respect that.

-Dx

[Fairy]

Well done Darren, much strength you have displayed.

I have been thinking about getting a tattoo, have none, am in my thirties. I am only interested in two ideas. One is "NOT INSANE", done like a stamp on my forehead, but I am thinking I may regret that! The other, more realistic is Mr Fairys initials on the side of my right hand. Mr Fairy is not flattered by this, see's it as chavvy! I am a chav, so don't see the problem. I like the idea of him being a reminder always. We have been together for fifteen years, so I have other reminders, like my wedding ring and all the memories, but I want more I guess. Or do I! I often drive past the tattoo shop, peering in, I am just not sure.

Fairy xxx

[amy123]

i've been wanting a tattoo just below my shoulder with my kids names on for quite sometime but i'm too scared,i'm such a baby when it comes to pain

Amy xx

[mrD]

Tatoos

well i've toyed with having one for years, but not done too much about it, until last week that is, did the same as you Big D, found myself a well recommended tatooist, now cant make my mind up exactly what to have...sure it will come...i've only got two piercings, me ears and nipple, done whilst very very drunk, but seems to be part of me now...i'm a bit worried about the feelings you described, the euphoric ones, i know what i'm like and i dont wanna end up looking like that leopard man, covered in em.

i'll keep you informed about what i have...

Dx

[CrippleAndStarfish]

:) thankyou for such a carefully thought out reply.

Not too sure what to say in response.. it has blown my mind in a way, i guess.

But, thankyou

And, i do know the person who has agreed to tattoo me, both an a personal and professional level.. i have discussed for a little over a year how much i want this tattoo, and my reasons for wanting it...as he is fully aware of how i am known for acting on a whim without a moment's consideration of consequences. (the tattoo i am wanting for my first is the "Little Hollow" with an image of a willow tree with a hollowed out trunk, and a whisp of..well, i can't describe it properly.. but it is to represent ..spirit... in a way.. flowing from the inside of the treetrunk.. The reason for "little hollow" is the meaning behind my son's name, Logan, and it means from the little hollow... hollow as in valley... which i think is highly symbolic as learning that i was expecting him had a huuuge impact and managed to lift me almost instantly from this pit of despair in which i had been stuck for near a year. So, it is to symbolise how the learning of his existance and the fact that his spirit, his soul was shown and brought into this world had carried me out of this hollow, this valley, and acted as a crutch until i could find my feet on soild ground. Although i have recently slipped back into that hollow, i am also very aware of what beauty it brought to me the time before, and how that beauty has kept me going, given me something to focus on..something.. in all honesty... to live for when i see myself as not enough to care about.

Wow. i ramble.

But yes, he is very aware of my personal situation with regards to mental health, but, i shall definately be making a phonecall this evening to discuss these concerns with him

Thankyou..

Hugs!

Crip xx

( hey! i like that. i think i might stick with it. Sounds catchy!! Crip. Hey Crip! how you doing Crip! Peace, Crip! )

[Fairy]

Crip

I thought it was beautiful what you wrote about your child, really wonderful.

Fairy xxx

[CrippleAndStarfish]

Fankoooo Fairyyyy !!!

can i have a 'The' infront, or is that pushing it?

The Crip. Oh that sounds a bit too majestic for me.

Hmm.

I shall think on it.

How about Cripmeister? Criphead? Crip The Great? Crip The Genius Inventor Of Masterplans Destined To Fail Due To Offensiveness?

Hmm. I'm getting carried away again.

I'll just stick with Crip. :)

[Fairy]

The Crip, I like it! :lol:

[CrippleAndStarfish]

:D I still haven't got round to making that hot choc, Fairy!!

I think i need to, as i can feel myself floating up and up andd up, and know if i don't calm myself now i will be bouncing all through the night with no sign of a rest.

Deary me.

Btw, i designed the tattoo myself - the tree bit, that is... i didn't invent my own alphabet or anything..

I don't think i'm ..inspired enough to be able to do that at the moment.

Peace, The Crip

xx

[D.Ash]

Crip, You're lovely!!!!

Moved me to tears of joy and hope again!!!

You sound exactly on the right track (both with regards to your love of your son, and in the arena of body art!)

A year is a good cool-off period for anyone when it comes to permanent body art, MH issues or not!!!!

And D, yeh, I was worried about that 'leopard man' thing myself!!!!

I STRESS THAT I BELIEVE THAT WE SHOULD ALL BE AWARE OF OUR OWN LIMITS - My personal rule is nothing visible when wearing a T-shirt. My piercings I can take out (D, another thing we have in common - prize for that man on piercing no.3!)

And Fairy, that sounds lovely! I'm 31 so it's never too old to start. I am always mindful tho that partners opinions need to be considered in the body art arena - it's only skin deep I know but, maybe you can reach a compromise if the hand isn't to Mr Fairy's personal taste? I would be honoured if (well, bloody impressed if I could find...) my partner of 15 years wanted my initials on her body, that's a soulful gift, in my eyes.

Peace, Guys!!! -Dx

[fucktheworld]

sh

Fairy, wow on your palm .. do it .. [although what if it hurts so bad you blame him..of course secretly..shhh]

D.Ash - how about a fat dash in that faint black, enough pain to get you through your first drug free weekends. - [mark the beginning of your sober time high - sober]

I had one covered up with a black shield, believe me I needed to cover it, it was almost as bad as that name my sick parents gave me, fuck the world. I am named after my uncle, 'fuck the universe' or their cat, 'fuck the dog'. My cover-up tat was so painful sat there in sweat for 5 hours. Definitely an sh release.

:lol:

[D.Ash]

Heeheee FTW!!!!

Yeh, SH release is one way of putting it definately! But as I found from other friends who beat their chemical addictions, we're all just a bunch of aldrenilen junkies, really. The drugs were just a conveniant excuse to run away from our true selves.

Tattoos = Aldrenilen

Aldrenilen = The best high in the world!!!! :D

[sunshine_bear]

OOOHHH!!! Photo's please!!!!!!!!

[D.Ash]

On Facebook next week - I'll add ya! -Dx

[Fairy]

Not the palm of my hand the side, above my little finger. I think it would still hurt, not much flesh there. I think I might do it, I just love Mr Fairy SO MUCH!

Just spoke to Mr Fairy, he says "I DON'T LIKE IT". Huh, maybe not then! Fricking ingrate!

Fairy xxx

[fucktheworld]

omg {shhhh do it}

[Fairy]

I think I will, but if we split up I will have to find someone with the same initials! :lol:

[amy123]

very funny lmao

[D.Ash]

I am so staying out of this one, girls!!!! :D

[Rael]

I want more tattoos now!!!!! At the moment I have the symbol for the band The Mission below one of my shoulder blades (can't remember which and can't see it without a mirror and can't be arsed now ) I also have the symbol for the band Rammstein on the underside of my left forearm. That's my favourite AND it has the added bonus of making me not sh on that arm anymore because I love showing it off.

Also have 9 piercings in my ears and my eyebrow done. Wanted the same eyebrow done twice but this is the second time I have had it done as the first one grew out and they can't do it over an old one so no room

May have pics in my gallery of them, cant remember.

Hmmmmm, *goes off to find a photo of the one she can't see*

[D.Ash]

Nice!!!!

I wanna c pix!!!

-Dx

[sunshine_bear]

oki doki, just let me know who you are! lol