I Hate The Night!

[D.Ash]

Can't sleep. Again.

I've had maybe 10 hours sleep this weekend?

I posted another thread saying weekends were the loneliest time for me since I started recovery. But no, it's the night time. And they come every day.

I'm frustrated cos I can't sleep... My mind's running overtime - finding any excuse to pick up a thought and race off with it. I used to occupy it with suicidal fantasies, wallow in the pain, smile a twisted grin at the nightmares... let them consume me... or numb my brain with drink and drugs - pass out into unconsciousness - no dreams.

But I can't do that anymore.

My dreams - they terrify me. I've seen things in my life no-one should have to see. No exageration. I have BPD - my brain likes to take those images and the feelings I felt at the time and amplify them, swallow my waking mind, seep into my unconscious state, twisting and chewing up my brain til the pain consumed me. But I vowed to fight that, to change.

But now, I'm tired but scared to switch the light off and lie down. What if the demons come knocking with a vengeance tonight?

Now I'm hungry... but if I eat, I'll stay awake longer (and undo all the good I did with my diet and workout today)

And if I don't get to sleep soon, I'll be a mess tomorrow. Or worse, sleep thru the day and be faced with another long night... That used to be my life. But I vowed to change it. This weekend's been a rough one.

But today was great. Well, it was great when I was on these boards, larking around and writing my thoughts. But when I tried to go eat and watch TV, the demons started invading my head - they were threatening to punish me for losing myself in the happiness I felt by being a part of something... even as slight as a movie quiz. It made me smile, and it's like the demons feel they want to punish me for smiling today. If they can't get me in the daytime, they'll get me in my sleep.

Ugh, this is doing my head in, too tired to see where this is going. I'll come back to it tomorrow, if I don't start obsessing over it on my next attempt at sleep!

Should probably stop posting today...