A Ruined Life Gave Me B-p-d...

[rain]

I haven't been active on here as much lately. This due to having 'moved' and not being in the possession of a computer. I have internet access in the university buildings, but I find it depressing to go there. I find most things depressing actually.

Anyway. I am not a student anymore - due to the emotional instability and crises; those things didn't enable me to get ANYTHING done. Now that is no excuse, that was just my whole situation. So I told my grandparents (my 'carers') about quitting my psychology course (even though I had excellent marks in my first year). I had to mention BPD of course, my psychiatry appointments and my wish to attend DBT group therapy. I wanted to do criminology instead but they told me it would be best to work for a year, and get therapy - well pay for it too!

I stayed in this student city, went to my 'boy/friend''s place. He told me I could stay there and that he would support me. He has broken up with me so many times I've lost count, hardly ever for a valid reason. I feel utterly used and worthless. As of today I am basically not welcome there anymore, I completely broke down. I was sick in bed for two days, hadn't eaten or drank anything. As if he cared. He told me I was in the way.

So I'm not welcome and I have nowhere to go. I have been looking for a job for so long, with no support or encouragement from anyone. My grandmother rang me and told me what a waste of space I was because I didn't have a job yet. She also acted like the whole therapy thing was something I had probably forgotten about by now... So she didn't take me seriously, and she was just mean for no reason. Of course I do not have a mental illness, sure it was just a 'phase'!!!!!

Yes, I have been a crying hysterical mess with that guy, but he also said how I have nobody and how he wouldn't turn his back on me. But he has now. Even though HE started acted distant and avoiding talk, kisses, touch.... Come on, who wouldn't be upset by that? Now this is turned around on me and I'm a fucking nuisance bitch depriving him of his freedom. I just have nobody for support. Today I seriously thought about ending it. When no-one cares, what do you have!?

I'm just sick of it. Do you have to be emotionally stable to deserve love, warmth, support, friendship?

I hate my existence. I have nowhere to stay. I don't belong anywhere. Not welcome. No home. Fuck this!

Why is he so cruel? Why are they all???

[mrD]

Rain sweet, people do care, especially the people on here that can totally understand what your saying...Iam just the same, and i know that you knowing that wnt neccessarily stop you feeling this way, but want you to know that people do care, just maybe not the ones you want to...try and go easy on yourself, your just a sensitive soul needing some love and compassion, and unfortunatly as my pdoc says, you gota start with yourself...everyday keep telling yourself you ar worthy, you are kind, you are strong, ad thats whats got you this far...use their ignorance to find some strenght, fuk em, show em your better than all of em, and start by giving yourself the compassion you deserve...cause your unique and worth it...

bless you

sending you love compassion and positive thoughts

D x

[PanickyPolly]

Yup, we care. I very much are. i don't know you but I care and can fully sympathise. Everywhere I turn all I get is cold hearts, if anyone is intersted in me they don't are about e as a person thy just want me for what they can get. I lost my mum last year an following this all my firends and family dumped me. Nobody seems to want to stick aroun and I can't fathom why as I don't usually let on how ill I am but there is always someone on here to listen.

[rain]

Thank you, dear.

I am sick of being in BPD hell situations, you know, the desperation and seeing no way out. I felt TERRIBLE yesterday, I was crying so hysterically I couldn't talk properly on the phone!

Positives, though:

I didn't resort to cutting, alcohol - nothing self-destructive. I felt desperate - and suicidal, but I just starting ringing people. So, I now have an expensive phone bill probably, but no marks on my body or anything like that. So I feel I resorted to ways of getting out of the horrible pitt of despair, instead of increasing it - and giving it more life force. This says to me that I cannot take my extreme feelings too seriously - or my suicidal thoughts. I called a new friend I made and he came to get me and I spent the night at his. Gender plays no role, and no way was this anything impulsive, like trying to seduce someone or whatever to 'feel better'. I don't do that either anymore.

I hadn't eaten in two days, because Tim and I were out of money. So no food, no smokes. Maybe that didn't help in his feelings of frustration. I didn't call Tim up in a desperate state anymore, although the phone call that evening was very hysterical, and it ended on a mean tone - which was just me trying to regain some self-worth I guess. My friend gave me some water and food, and we watched silly TV programmes, and just talked and talked. I felt much better, and not just in a state of thinking about Tim and "oh poor me". After I had vented about the whole situation, I forgot about it and just enjoyed my time in the moment with my friend. We stayed up until like 5 am talking. This friend of mine has an autism spectrum disorder, and we talked about that a lot. There were lots of signs that Tim has the disorder too, and talking to my friend has helped me see how my desperate questioning (BPD, insecurity crap) has the opposite effect and that I can't act like I am controlling or demanding. Today I want to clean up his appartment, buy some food and use creativity to create a peace offering. I will not be there when he comes home, but give him the space to get in touch with me if he feels comfortable with it. Loving someone, afterall, entails acceptance. I know the BPD thing is a bit of a clash, but if he has great difficulty with it than it is in my hands to learn to deal with him in a different manner.

I can only hope he feels at ease to get back in touch with me. I care about him to bits and I miss the way we used to get on like a house on fire. He gets too stressed with the whole extreme emotional side of things. If he cannot adapt, which I have experienced a lot by now, and I have the ability and strength to do so, I have to be proactive and careful with my wording of things. Surely this way, I can bring about positive change, as opposed to just plain pointing the finger and pushing him into a position he cannot deal with. I have to be sensitive to his vulnerablities and weaker points. This way there won't be conflict and I won't lose my friend. I hope he will see that I am really trying for him. I hope this helps, I hope I will be welcome again. I will know to not stress him out again.

I love him. I won't blame him. He is not an asshole.

[Fairy]

Hey Rain,

You are doing so well, they way you coped when you felt so low, it is admirable. I am sorry your family are not being supportive, but with this determination, things will move on for you. I hope you sort out some therapy for yourself and then can continue studying, the future looks bright for you. You always have friends here, people to listen and empathise, you are never completely alone.

I hope things work out with Tim, this has been a turbulent relationship so far by the sounds of things. Let us know how is goes and take good care of yourself.

Fairy xxx