Want It Back

[Rael]

I have never gotten on with food, in fact I have always hated and loved it at the same time. Loved the taste, but hated the feeling of it inside me. In the past I have used laxatives (strongly not recommended - very painful and potentially embarassing), purged and have simply stopped eating. I obviously don't want to state what weight I was down to, but I was ill. Cold all the time, physically sick just hearing about food, collapsing, trying to hide what I was doing from everyone, stomach messed up etc... No one ever said anything though, of course it was noticed, but no one ever urged me to get help, and I know now that it must have been painfully obvious. It just wasn't the kind of thing that was mentioned and so it went unchecked.

I honestly have no recollection of ever beginning eating again, or stopping using laxatives but it's obvious I did. I still have a craving to go back to it, there was almost a feeling of serenity, of control, of there being one thing that I hated about myself that I could be doing something about. Although it was never enough.

I know how bad it all is but I still want it back. Due to lack of motivation (which I am working on) and high levels of meds notorious for weight gain I put on what I would say is huge amount (although most wouldn't) of weight. I still go through days where I don't eat and days where I feel I've eaten the world (the reality that it is still less than most people never registers with me). I want to be small again, I want that secret, almost smug, knowledge that I can do it, the sense of achievement. Because I am no longer severely underweight, I am not listened to, people assume that because I am bigger that I eat fine, but each day is a torment of forcing something down my throat and horrenous guilt afterwards. I cannot remember eating a single thing and truly enjoying it.

I have recently found myself going onto bad sites, pro-ana stuff, almost trying to force myself back into it and coming close to succeeding. I don't want to be ill again, really, but I have always managed physical illness better than mental, and it feels like putting up with being ill is better than going through this every time I have to eat something. I have never been able to diet healthily and successfully, I eat loads of veg, no meat or dairy, all the right amounts of everything and my job is active and good exercise.

No matter what I do it always feels like it is the only way I can truly do it. I know it is sick to want this but I can't stop, every day just seems like another fight to not do what my heart seems to want.

Sorry

[Rael]

I am sorry I shouldn't have said anything.

Sorry

[Saharah Blue]

I think when I was a teen I went through my worst dieting phase ever. I struggle to eat when I am emotionally and only seem to let it all slide when I am taken out for a meal by a bf or lover. Even then I can't always promise to keep it down. I am not interesting in being thin or invisible, but something since those early years has always prompted me to purge when my stomach feels uncomfortable, I struggle to sit with that feeling of being full, it makes me feel vulnerable.

Now, I refuse to diet and still manage to lose weight? Perhaps the emptiness resembles the emptiness I feel inside regardless of food in take. I don't know. Control is in there somewhere is always said by MH professionals, but I don't care. I don't do what I do to be thin. Only to be able to capture a fresh start on all that feels wrong inside.

Sah

[ann51]

Hi Rael: I can relate. I have issues with food also....a "love-hate" relationship, as you say, in how I deal with it. I admire your opening up to us.

[Rael]

thank you sah and ann, not good that in a way that you guys should know the feelings, but i am grateful to know that i am not alone.

xxx

[bibiddi]

Rael, my ED has flared up after a long time being dormant.

I'm sad that its back, because it means I'm struggling mentally.

I did get annoyed with my doctor yesterday, when I spoke about it. He suggested dieting and exercise.

There seemed to be a lack of understanding that food is a coping strategy.

Part of me wanted to show him what kind of trouble I would end up in if I did do as he suggested, knowing that I would just move onto another poor coping skill.

So, at the moment, I have pieces of paper around me, that I have spent most of the night doing. Trying to work out what I'm struggling with, and how better I can deal with it. I wish I had had the awareness to have caught it before it got this bad.

But, I'm trying to change.

[Rael]

insight and understanding are two of the most important aspect of recovering consistently from an ed, just telling someone to diet can sound to them like eat less, so they start restricting more. exercise more could lead them to become obsessed with exercise to the point of becoming damaging. my doctor said just the same, i intend to speak to him in a couple of weeks about seeing a dietitian, hopefully within this time i will be able to write out explanations of things that will offer him greater understanding of why this continues to be a problem, and in the times when it is not a problem, there is another one to take its place.

what you are doing bibiddi sounds like such a good idea, i'm glad that you are able to use such a positive thing to try and help you to understand and explain. success does not always come quickly (unfortunately) it needs to be worked at, and i can see that you are working very hard indeed. really well done and i hope that things go well for you.

xxx