Seriously Depressed

[loserdudehateslife]

Things are getting very bad for me. I definitely fit the BP/BPD description...although I think a lot of the dpersonalization is stuff you can experience during bad depressions. Well, I'm getting into a bad one, very bad. I had a pretty good summer overall. However, while I was not completely hypomanic, I did carelessly spend money. Now, once again, it's come back to haunt me in the form of credit cards that I cannot afford to pay off. On top of it I have a chronic health condition which causes me a lot of pain. I've been sleeping poorly, and then sleeping most of the day, getting up in the early afternoon to do some stuff. I'm up at night feeling hopeless and alone, reading stuff on the internet...looking at porn (the endorphons I guess help with the chronic pain, and yes I'm probably addicted to it)

I know a lot of you have experienced this horrible aspect of bipolar. The depression that is. Is it common to get all kinds of anxieties and other effects. I get anxious just having to go in a store and talk to someone there. Although once I do it I wonder why I got so worked up about it. I'm of course very stressed about finances, knowing I just keep repeating the same behavior. The negative self-talk is getting really bad. I am comparing myself to the successful working people out that all the time now. I'm really constantly telling myself how much of a problem I am. The world is closing in and things feel very bad, all I can think about is how hopeless it seems. And on top of it things really are bad even without having a mental illness.

The therapist I worked with before was pretty worthless, as was the one before that. I tried celexa, depakote...both of which messed me up worse. I'm thinking I may need to be on somethign long term....but I want to wreck my body as little and as slowly as possible. Despite the depression this summer I've managed to get pretty fit, exercising between the depression, and I'd like to continue. I'm scared something like Lithium will make me feel sick and tired all the time and not wanting to keep fit. I really didn't like the SSRI I took at all, I felt high and went kind of manic.

Anyway, my life feels like its become a hell. I'm getting really isolated and lost in my thoughts. My energy level is so low its unbelievable, and I hardly have energy or interest in anything. It's like a black hole. I know, you probably all know what this is like. But I wish it didn't have to get this bad. I'm scared to take meds, but I'm scared of wasting more of my life. Theres a lot of physical, emotional, and other stress in my life...this doesn't help the depression. But I create a lot of these stresses. Don't have any friends anymore, and my parents never really cared. I have a wife who is strong and stable, and who sadly I guess I'm dependant on. I have a kid who is doing well....as I can pull it together and find energy to take them out and do fun stuff.

But really this feels like a downward spiral. Theres so much beuty out there but this disease takes so much out of me. It takes so much to survive.