It Is True Nobody Cares

[walker]

my husband has just sat here and told me - straight up - NOBODY CARES

oh except him

Does he not realise I bloody know that

that it courses through my damn veins, every moment of every day

[DaddyJay]

Walker, many people care.

You know if there is anything you need to talk about we're all here to listen.

Hope you're ok.

Jay

[D.Ash]

Hunny....

I'm sorry - but he's wrong...

I care!!!!

I've been wrestling with the fact that we have to live with our own truths all day. As you know, we all slip (even me!)... And you helped me thru, Walker.

Luv ya, babes

-Dx

[walker]

you guys are kind

but at the end of the day, he is right.

He is angry because I have an occ. health meeting on tues, with a view to returnng to work

He says I should have a plan, know what I am going to say, or they will just try to get me out to save money.

I dont know what I am going to say, I dont know what they will ask,

all I can do is tell them how I feel - I DONT KNOW what I want , it changes everytime I think about it.

He says nobody cares about me - that my therapist only cares because he is paid to

and he wonders why I dont want to talk to him??

I have told him it hurts me, and he just keeps coming in, and trying to make me get a plan together

All I would like to do is run out of the damn door

But then maybe I am just playing a sympathy game!!

[DaddyJay]

Walker, it is great that you have a view to return to work.

You do not necessarily need a plan of what to say, if there is anything in particular you feel they should know, then yes pre plan what you would like them to know. Otherwise, just say whatever you feel on the day when they ask you their questions. As you said, all you can do is tell them how you feel.

It is not true when he said nobody cares about you, that is completely false.

Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, you do not have to talk about anything to anyone if you don't want to. You should not be pressured into getting a plan together, do things at your pace, when you are ready.

Hope you're OK.

Jay

[walker]

but he is right - and I am well enough to be at work

and like most people, it comes down to money - as he constantly reminds me how lucky i am !!!

but we have no house (we have a big house but it comes with his job) - so he is going on about how if i dont go back there will be nothing and when we retire we will have nothing

on and on and on

the pictures are TOO big

[DaddyJay]

You should not have to go back on his say so.

You have to be sure within yourself that you feel stable enough to go back, If you are not ready then don't.

As I have said, do things at your own pace and do whatever you want when you feel ready.

No one can ask more than that from you. Just do your best.

[walker]

thank you

I am dreading it

I thought I would know myself better before I went back

but I am more lost than ever

good job nobody cares really!!

[Rael]

i definitely care and can see that others do too.

you shouldn't be pushed into going back to work, you go when you are ready.

when i went back i was sure that it would be too soon, luckily for me it did help distract me, but i did have more time off sick after i had gone back, whereas if i had waited and not been pushed into it by the threat of losing my job then i would have been better off.

just be straight with the occ health people, tell them that things can change on a regular basis. would it help to keep a chart of some sort?? even if all it is is a scale on 1 - 10 of how you feel, you don't have to be in depth about it, will just be there to give a guideline showing the variety of your moods.

when i considered going back to work, i always saw it as being a time when i was 'better'. now i know that it takes longer than that, the time i was off gave me a chance to work through some things, and then when i was back i had the chance to work through other stuff (fear of going out, being around people, timekeeping - always my downfall)

do what you feel you are ready to do, if you want to go back to work, maybe you want to look at a few hours to start with, don't push yourself too far too quickly. you will get there.

xxx

[walker]

thanks Real - good advice as usual.

I dont know what to tell them re. dx

my gp doesnt know what bpd is so I doubt they will. and I dont really want to go into lengthy discussions about it with them anyway

i have been signed off with depression and a lot of that has lifted

so who knows

at least if i get out of the house - i get away from him for a bit - and thaat will make me feel better

I just cant stand the watching - questioning - nagging

if he says i have to go bac, then I wont - it needs to be for me - i so badly need it to be for me

and it always feels like i am doing everything for everyone else

[Rael]

I think that is a really good way to look at it. I went back because I was threatened with the sack unless I returned to work (had been off around 6 months). Ideally I would have gone back a little later. Sometimes I do think that it made me make a decision that I may have otherwise kept putting off. I will never really know because there is no way you can follow both actions, it is one or the other, and whatever you do you will always wonder what would have happened if you have followed the other path.

Do what feels right to you, don't let yourself be bullied into something. I really did find that getting out of the house, while it does not 'fix' everything, does make some days easier, there is something that you can distract with. The days pass faster and a good routine can go some way towards helping.

Don't worry too much about them understanding the dx, my work don't have the first clue what half of my dx's are and I only tell them the part that may directly affect my ability to either go to work or to do my work when there. They know when I need some time out, and they know when I am on new meds which may make me ill.

I really hope it goes well for you. What kind of job will it be?

xxx

[walker]

i am a teacher - that is why it is so hard - because i have to get it right for the children, too

[Rael]

i agree, it is added responsibility, and that must make it extra stressful. go with what you feel is right. is it possible for you to do reduced hours until you are sure you are ready? might be more reassuring for you if you can think that you are not being thrown in at the deep end.

xxx

[walker]

if he doesn't stop f*cking bullying me about tomorrow, i wont bloody go

'have yougot a plan? Oh a woman without a plan? if you were on your own you wouldnt have the luxury of staying off work, I thought your therapy was meant to help you, i thought you were meant to be getting yourself together.............................

waht are doing about planning for tomorrow?.............

I HATE IT HERE - absolutely bloody hate it - i would rather live in a hole on my own

[Angel123]

I am so sorry to hear that hubby is being like that. Make sure you choose whats right for YOU and not HIM....

Dont rush anything, go at your own time....

Hope tomorrow goes well for you.........

Take care xx

[walker]

thank you Angel

so worried - just feel like it is time to pack all the pain away and pretend it is all ok - just to shut everyone up

Wish he would just shut up about it

[yorkiegal73]

Perhaps he's worried on your behalf Walker. Because you have to go in there alone and he can't help you. Sitting down together and having a think about what occu health might say, could be good for you both. I think partners often feel very out of the loop. Not involved in therapy etc. And it would be a good idea to have some idea of what you want to say tomorrow. Occu Health aren't always as independent of the boss as they make out and if they do have an agenda to get you out, you should be prepared for that. Ignoring that won't make it go away, and perhaps that's what your hubby is trying to say.

[Rael]

hiding the pain doesn't make it go away, in the long run it only leads to a cumulative effect and when it reaches boiling point it is so much worse than if you can get out little bits at a time of what is going on.

i do agree with what yorkie said, maybe he is trying to make sure you are as prepared as he feels you need to be. partners often don't know the best way to help, and this can often lead to very heated arguments (i know i've had most of them ) because they don't know what to do, what the end up doing is often the very opposite of what we need to hear, or need them to do.

what angel said is spot on, do this for YOU not him. it is you who has to go through this and you that has to deal with the consequences of any choices made.

(sorry have kinda lost track of the days, was it today you had it or tomorrow - sorry brain sucky at min)

Wishing you all the best

xxx

[walker]

tomorrow

i know he isnt trying to be nasty - but he just triggers me all the time - everything he says

we just talk and cant hear

i am so tired of living here

so tired of him going on

so tired of everything

just so damn tired of it all

[Rael]

oh i know those feelings all too well. arguments spring out of nothing, and then there is just shouting and stuff. dont know how helpful it would be to you but i have tried a few times writing things down for him. gives me time to think about how i want to explain myself clearly and it also means that by not being involved in an argument at the time he is having a chance to actually hear what you say. then maybe he could write you back giving him the same chance to express himself.

xxx

[walker]

22 years

too f*cking late

wish i had the guts to go

he is going on and on about bloody everything

my luxury of being off for 8 months

yeah I've been having a party

got foul headache, feel sick

going to bed

[Angel123]

Hey walker

Good luck with today.

Thinking of you......

XX

[walker]

:sofa:

[D.Ash]

:sofa:

Thinking of you, hunny!

Loads luv, bruv -Dxxxxxx

[mavis]

Walker,

Good luck with it today sweetie.

I think your husband maybe is worried and has insecurities of his own this is the only way he knows how to deal with it, throwing insults does not help and like me the more they push the more u dont want to do it.

I bet there are people off here that do care, him and your kids for one, your kids friends probably look up to you, and family care about you?

Please take a deep breathe and breathe out and go in.

I agree, I expect you have mulled all diff options over, see what happends when you get there, you are probably over prepared in your way, just coz it is not written down or fixed agreement. We don't all work like that and if we did before we may have changed.

Good luck Walker,

love you,

mavis x