It Is True Nobody Cares

[yorkiegal73]

Good luck Walker

Hope you've made it to the appointment.

tc xx

[walker]

cried and cried and cried and cried

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but she was very nice

said there is no way i should be at work atm

but got to go back in a month, when she has a report from my T.

Feel really guilty, hub been ok - which has confused me totally

daughter not impressed,

The occ health nurse said she thought i should be in hospital - but she doesnt really know

I did tell her about having a personality disorder and bless her - she is the first person to just listen and not judge

God knows what now

just wish i could wake up with it all gone, or never wake up again

[lookin4an3scape]

(((((walker))))) i'm sorry you're feeling that way now. i wish you could wake up with it all gone too.. but i do want you to wake up =)

[khia]

Hi there babe

biggest hugs i care i really do... there is no luxury to being off for 8 mths - unless you are on an expensive all inclusive cruise.

your are going through some shit at the moment and i feel for you if i can help even to rant and rave at to get it off your chest do it babe..

don't bottle anything up inside

massive hugs!!!

[walker]

keep thinking that if i hadnt cried, she would have thought i was ok

Damn I feel like an evil fraud again

[bibiddi]

keep thinking that if i hadnt cried, she would have thought i was ok

Did you deliberately cry?

[walker]

no, just did, couldnt stop it

[bibiddi]

Excellent!!

So, can you see that although you feel an evil fraud, the reality is you are not!

It was clear from your earlier post that your tears came from your heart.

Try and hold on to the reality, and truth, rather than the lies in your head.

[walker]

but i spend so much time covering it up that I dont know what is real any more

My hub says if you have got to 44 ok then you should be able to just carry on

but I dont want to any more

[bibiddi]

With your first line you say you have spent so much time covering up the truth.

Do you think thats what most people do?

If not, then the reality is, that you havent actually reached 44 OK.

All you've been able to do, is contain your distress to yourself.

Perhaps its taken 44 years to start to let it out.

[walker]

i feel like i cant take it anymore and I want to know who i really am

i just feel like i have been completely concealed by the opinions and expectations of others

but i cant let go enough

as soon as i feel a tiny hint of judgement, i go into hiding

especially with my family

i would love to escape

[Angel123]

Im glad it is over for you..

The occ health know whats best so your hubby will just have to go with what they say.

Please keep talking to us.

Big hugs xxxxxxxx

[bibiddi]

I understand, Walker.

Have you talked it through with your therapist?

Mine told me to do it in simple little baby steps,over which I can control.

It will take time.

I dont know about your family judging you. All I know is sometimes the judgement comes from within yourself, and sometimes some people are toxic to be around, so best not to be around them, if you want to heal.

I also know of people who stayed in toxic relationships, so that they would always damage any healing.

Just try and remember to take it slowly, one step at a time.

[walker]

it is wierd - he has accepted their word but always questions the MH team

i am very confused - as per bloody usual

Had a text from my parents (had hoped thay had forgotten)

Just said i would go bac in a month and that she has said NO work

Havent heard from them since??

SO feeling judged AGAIN

22 years and this IS a toxic relationship

2 hurt people crying out for attention

one takes pills or cries or under MH team - - - the other does his hobbies

[bibiddi]

Do you think that judgement has come from within yourself, like its a learned behaviour?

For example, what other reasons are there for them not to reply straight away?

Perhaps they dont know how to respond? Is it good news, that you dont have to go back to work anytime soon - or is it bad news?

Perhaps they havent checked their phone, perhaps they've ran out of credit, perhaps they are busy doing something else, perhaps they want to speak to you rather then text.

Maybe you can think of other reasons.

Do you see, you dont actually have psychic ability. You have absolutely no idea why they havent responded yet.

So, stop trying to be Mystic Meg!!

Can I just add, the fact that your OH always questions what the MH teams say. Does that have an impact on how you view what they say too?

[walker]

I hear you

thanks

but I DO know that they think I would be better bac at work - being busy and occupied

[bibiddi]

Yup, you may very well be right.

Many people, especially older people are afraid of mental health problems, and being busy and occupied is often an answer in their eyes.

They may think they are being helpful, without realising how dismissive it feels to the person who is suffering.

They may say it - doesnt mean it is the right thing to do.

Oh, and Walker, I can see how hard you are trying. You are doing good.

[walker]

thankyou so much for your kindness

i hate feeling like an attention seeker

but I need help

and I think I am beginning to accept that this might really be mental illness

I call it that

but i find it very hard to come to terms with

should see T tomorrow

it is the only time in the week when I can let go

I am so tired

[bibiddi]

Again, its coming from inside you, the negative feelings of attention seeking.(I never view attention seeking as negative, its something you can learn in the future to give to yourself).

Its been a difficult few days.

I'm glad you are seeing your T tomorrow.

[walker]

yes it has

thank you

[sunshine_bear]

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