I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

[carrot__girl]

Hiya everyone.

I'm really nervous about posting this for some reason but I really don't know what else to do or where to go.

About 3 month ago I got diagnosed with anorexia, my doctor sent me to a psychologist who specialises in eating disorders but I dont feel the problem is as big as they are making it out to be. The psychologist I go to is hardly ever there anyway I always seem to be seeing the trainer person and she even said herself that she doesnt specialise in Adolesent eating disorders so I feel like its a waste of time even going. After every session I feel worse then I did when I went in. Anyway after about 2 months of this I was just starting to trust them so I started telling them more I had been lying alot and one time she asked me if I had ever purged and I finally told the truth because she promised she would tell no-one but as soon as I left the she asked to see my mum and she told. That has made things so much worse, my mum now never trusts me she watches my every move and I now hide in my room all the time. She doesnt understand how I feel like she buys me things and tells me that since she borught it for me I have to have at least 3 meals a day. And its just not that easy she brings me food now and I always have to find ways of hiding it and when she sits there watching me eat I either purge it or excessivly exercise when she goes out. I have now also had to resort to buying diet pills and laxatives which I also have to hide really well cause I am pretty sure my mum is going through my room now to.

I just dont know what to do anymore I feel so alone. My friends at school think I am getting really skinny which I think its there imagination and no I am not just saying that I actually do think they are seeing things when they make comments like that I alwayss snap at them which is making things worse I seem to be pushing everyone away from me. I just feel like no one understands what I am going through.

Sorry If I have bored you!!

xxxx

[D.Ash]

Heya!

And welcome!

You certainly haven't bored me... I really feel for you and your pain, the confusion and anger running thru you right now.

Unfortunately, I have no experience in this field either, altho there are plenty of others who will be online later who will be able to wholeheartedly relate to you and offer constructive advice.

I can only say that you are not alone, and that, as cliched as it may sound, from your post I do think your Mum does care about you deeply, only wants your well-being and is trying to help as best she can. Parents are people too, and often get confused and make mistakes. I only speak from my own meagre experience on this, tho!

I hope you are safe, please take care of yourself.

All my best, your BPD Brother! -Dx

[carrot__girl]

Heya

Thanks

Yea I know my mum is only trying to help. I just wish she understood how I feel.

xxxx

[Life is sweet]

Carrot,

Hi, I haven't talked to you before. So, cool to see new faces on here all the time. It sounds really difficult with your psychologist. Thankfully, my therapist remained true to her word (as far as I can remember) and did not tell my parents anything when I was living with them and such. I think it would be a cool idea to bring it up with your psychologist who is there and call them on it. It is worth discussing, I think. They told you they would not tell your parents and they violated that little 'rule of trust' they had going on. Remember too, it is in your best interest and safety. Now that I recall, I think once or twice my therapist DID tell my parents things, but it was when I was in danger of hurting myself. Eventually what my therapist did was say, "We need to tell your mom about this, I'm going to have her come to a session and you can tell her." It opened up communicating with my mom a lot, and it put more work in my arms to do. Maybe you and your therapist could work out a deal where if there is something that she needs to tell your parents, you could have a family session?

On the other hand, do you think it would be better to talk to your mom about finding a different therapist so you can get more help with someone who specializes in treading adolescent eating disorders? It might be worth the time and trouble to get set with a new therapist since you seem to be in this for the long haul of recovering, am I right?

My friends in high school were no help what so ever. Now that I am a few years older, it still is difficult to have very many friends or relate to them very well. School was tough, because it was like no one understood what I was going through. Even if I felt I could have talked to them, they wouldn't have understood something like mental illness and they wouldn't have been able to help.

It seems like you do have friends and family that do try to care about you. They see your weight changing, your mom cares a lot about you and she just wants her daughter to be happy and healthy. I know it sounds dumb, I still don't believe my mom when she says stuff like that where she cares about me and just wants me to be happy. But, it is true.

Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself back on track and healthy. A new psychologist or talking to the old one and working some things out. See ya around,

M.

[carrot__girl]

Carrot,

Hi, I haven't talked to you before. So, cool to see new faces on here all the time. It sounds really difficult with your psychologist. Thankfully, my therapist remained true to her word (as far as I can remember) and did not tell my parents anything when I was living with them and such. I think it would be a cool idea to bring it up with your psychologist who is there and call them on it. It is worth discussing, I think. They told you they would not tell your parents and they violated that little 'rule of trust' they had going on. Remember too, it is in your best interest and safety. Now that I recall, I think once or twice my therapist DID tell my parents things, but it was when I was in danger of hurting myself. Eventually what my therapist did was say, "We need to tell your mom about this, I'm going to have her come to a session and you can tell her." It opened up communicating with my mom a lot, and it put more work in my arms to do. Maybe you and your therapist could work out a deal where if there is something that she needs to tell your parents, you could have a family session?

On the other hand, do you think it would be better to talk to your mom about finding a different therapist so you can get more help with someone who specializes in treading adolescent eating disorders? It might be worth the time and trouble to get set with a new therapist since you seem to be in this for the long haul of recovering, am I right?

My friends in high school were no help what so ever. Now that I am a few years older, it still is difficult to have very many friends or relate to them very well. School was tough, because it was like no one understood what I was going through. Even if I felt I could have talked to them, they wouldn't have understood something like mental illness and they wouldn't have been able to help.

It seems like you do have friends and family that do try to care about you. They see your weight changing, your mom cares a lot about you and she just wants her daughter to be happy and healthy. I know it sounds dumb, I still don't believe my mom when she says stuff like that where she cares about me and just wants me to be happy. But, it is true.

Take care of yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself back on track and healthy. A new psychologist or talking to the old one and working some things out. See ya around,

M.

Heya

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

Once I told her she said that she had to tell my mum because if my mum found out and that they didnt tell her they would get in trouble and I understand that its just the way my mum reacts to that, her solution is to buy me stuff and thinks that will make me eat. Like today she brought me Heaps of new clothes and stuff and then she told me my psychologist rang and said I have an Appointment on Monday and she told me I have to make sure I eat heaps. And it makes me feel really bad cause I know I cant do this and It makes me feel like I have to now lie to my psychologist because I am sure they will tell her and then she will get all angry cause of all the money she has spent on me so its like a no win situation.

I dont know if I would be able to tell my mum if there was a family session. In the first session the psychologist had to ask my mum to leave because she could tell I was lying. I dont like talking about this kind of thing with my mum because even thoe heaps of people have explained it to her she still doesnt seem to understand.

My actual psychologist who was ment to be the only person I saw does specialise in this so my mum wont let me change but its just She has proberly only been to about half the sessions.

Yea I dont want to say anything to my friends because If i did tell them that I have been diagnosed with anorexia they will proberly think I am trying to be an attention seeker and knowing them they would proberly tell other people and I dont really want people knowing seeing as I dont think its a big issue.

I forgot to add before I now also see a dietion who Is really nice and young I would say early 20's but sometimes I feel like she is judging me I know she proberly isnt but she will ask questions like how do you even concentrate at school and she will pull a weird face. She went through everything I eat and she said every week she was going to add more food to my diet I havent seen her in a couple of weeks cause I have been sick but the first diet plan she gave me I couldnt even do that for more than a day and she told me it was way to small for a person my age to have but it was a start, And i dont know if I should tell her I couldnt eat it because she said she couldnt make the meal plan any smaller.

xxxx Melissa

[Life is sweet]

I'm not therapist, but common sense tells me you and your mom might need to talk things through. I hear the words family session coming from off in the distance perhaps...?? Oh, joyous family sessions. How much I miss sitting down and having a good old one on one talk with my annoying mother!! They are a pain, but in the end you usually feel better getting everything out in the open and "all on the table".

Geeze, I totally hear you. It is so sucky when your mom doesn't understand. I hear you loud and clear. Just remembering how little my mom understood and how little she STILL does not understand is making me frustrated right now. You must be at your wits end..!

Yeah, friends and telling about diagnosis at least in my experience was one of the worst things I ever did. I agree with you on that. As I have gotten a few years older I am able to tell my friends I'm having "a crappy day" or "really frustrated about such and such" rather than "hey, I'm borderline and I'm practically crazy!!" Know what I mean? Kind of like, they don't have to know everything, but it is cool to have friends to lean on if you are frustrated or upset about stuff...

A nutritionist? That's great! Nutritionists are awesome! They help you eat healthy delicious food...don't they have cool recipes too?? You should ask her about healthy recipes..Mm. Is it possible to tell your nutritionist what is going on with your diet and that you just don't feel you are able to eat her diet she tells you to eat? It might help her understand what is going on better. Also to note: Even if you can do PART of her diet she gives you, and work on eating those foods and such then it will probably be more helpful than just forgoing her diet plan all together. Know what I mean? Black and white thinking, like all or nothing. You can just do some too. A little bit at a time & work your way up to her diet she gave you.

Think about how you might feel if your mom and psychologist and nutritionist knew the whole story and such. They would probably be able to help you a lot better if they know everything that is going on. Therapists aren't always perfect, but when they know everything they can work a lot better to help you get better.

m.

[carrot__girl]

I'm not therapist, but common sense tells me you and your mom might need to talk things through. I hear the words family session coming from off in the distance perhaps...?? Oh, joyous family sessions. How much I miss sitting down and having a good old one on one talk with my annoying mother!! They are a pain, but in the end you usually feel better getting everything out in the open and "all on the table".

Geeze, I totally hear you. It is so sucky when your mom doesn't understand. I hear you loud and clear. Just remembering how little my mom understood and how little she STILL does not understand is making me frustrated right now. You must be at your wits end..!

Yeah, friends and telling about diagnosis at least in my experience was one of the worst things I ever did. I agree with you on that. As I have gotten a few years older I am able to tell my friends I'm having "a crappy day" or "really frustrated about such and such" rather than "hey, I'm borderline and I'm practically crazy!!" Know what I mean? Kind of like, they don't have to know everything, but it is cool to have friends to lean on if you are frustrated or upset about stuff...

A nutritionist? That's great! Nutritionists are awesome! They help you eat healthy delicious food...don't they have cool recipes too?? You should ask her about healthy recipes..Mm. Is it possible to tell your nutritionist what is going on with your diet and that you just don't feel you are able to eat her diet she tells you to eat? It might help her understand what is going on better. Also to note: Even if you can do PART of her diet she gives you, and work on eating those foods and such then it will probably be more helpful than just forgoing her diet plan all together. Know what I mean? Black and white thinking, like all or nothing. You can just do some too. A little bit at a time & work your way up to her diet she gave you.

Think about how you might feel if your mom and psychologist and nutritionist knew the whole story and such. They would probably be able to help you a lot better if they know everything that is going on. Therapists aren't always perfect, but when they know everything they can work a lot better to help you get better.

m.

Family sessions. Now that sounds scary, that was like one major factor on why I didnt want to go to this place, If i had one I really think I wouldnt be able to talk lol. After yours was it awkward with your mum. I can just imagine how it would be with me I mean Its bad enough just after one of my appointments where she doesnt come in.

I have one good friend who I tell everything to but its just she lives like 4 hours away from me so I never see her but I still talk to her heaps and tell her whats going on but it still doesnt feel the same, like I wish there was a really good friend I could trust near me that understands. I try not to do stuff with my friends from school now. Its like I have become distant and just dont have time for them.

Yea I think that is proberly a good idea, trying to have some of what she gave me, Its just the school councellor who i have to see said that she knows my dietion and said that she is really strict and that if you dont do what she says she does get angry. Which scares me a little bit, its like her technique is scarying people into eating.

I know I should tell them everything thats going, but even I dont know, I know there is something its just I dont know I think its like a pile of things that have just weighed me down and yea. They are just blaming it on the fact that I do ballet and that must be why. Which i think is a bit stereotypical, I dont think its that, I just dont want to eat and If I do I feel really guilty. But when I tell them that they say there is something else, but i really dont know what it is.

xxx

[Life is sweet]

Yeah, my parents didn't always cooperate. My dad one time yelled at me the whole way home after we had a family session and he found out I wanted to hurt myself again. It wasn't really awkward, if anything it was better. It was like, "You know that I feel like shit now and its on the table, thank you!" It is always a little bit unnatural though to communicate openly with my mum about feelings and stuff, I don't think that will ever change very much. She just isn't a very open person about touchy feely stuff. But, that doesn't mean I can't be...

I have a few online friends (some from here, some not). It is nice having a few people to lean on and really talk to, I agree with you, Carrot.

Scaring people into eating? Crap! You better eat! lol oh no!!! :-p

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, you will tell them when you are ready. It is tough, I hear ya. Sorry it took me forever to reply,

M.

xx

[carrot__girl]

Yeah, my parents didn't always cooperate. My dad one time yelled at me the whole way home after we had a family session and he found out I wanted to hurt myself again. It wasn't really awkward, if anything it was better. It was like, "You know that I feel like shit now and its on the table, thank you!" It is always a little bit unnatural though to communicate openly with my mum about feelings and stuff, I don't think that will ever change very much. She just isn't a very open person about touchy feely stuff. But, that doesn't mean I can't be...

I have a few online friends (some from here, some not). It is nice having a few people to lean on and really talk to, I agree with you, Carrot.

Scaring people into eating? Crap! You better eat! lol oh no!!! :-p

I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, you will tell them when you are ready. It is tough, I hear ya. Sorry it took me forever to reply,

M.

xx

Your dad sounds like my mum, except instead of yelling she gives me the silent treatment for like a day and then she will finally start yelling at me. I have an appointment today and I have a feeling they told her something cause she is acting all angry towards me. I think thats what makes it harder to tell her anything because she never acts calmly.

The dietion wasnt there today so it was alright I didnt have to say anything they didnt really concentrate much on what I had eaten so it was alright, But I did tell them um other stuff that I know if my mum found out she would get really angry at me for. And I mean they say when I go there that its a place to talk about any issues I have and feelings and that they wont be shared with anyone. Yet my mum keeps finding out..........Stupid....Seeing as they wont the truth from me.

Thanks heaps for replying to all these

xxxx Melissa

[Life is sweet]

Melissa,

Good for you that you were able to tell them 'the other stuff'. That is a step forward, so cool deal. Even if it does feel weird, or your mom does find out, remember that it is for YOU. Hopefully it feels better talking to them rather than keeping all of it bottled up inside. It sounds like you are opening up to them more which will help you out in the long run.

No prob replying, sorry I keep forgetting for a few days in between though!

M.