paulysnyder Posted July 10, 2004 Report Share Posted July 10, 2004 Hi, My name is pauly and I am currently involved in a relationship with a girl who has BPD. I am trying like hell to understand as much as I can and I have read the book Walking On Eggshells and done other research on BPD. However, regardless of all the information I find I still want to know more and find the best possible solutions for problems that arise in our relationship. I want to understand how to help and what I can do to make things better and not worse. Pauly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dita Posted July 10, 2004 Report Share Posted July 10, 2004 Hi My name is dita and i have just joined this forum. I think it is great that you are trying to support your girlfriend. All the best and good luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
befuddled Posted July 10, 2004 Report Share Posted July 10, 2004 Wow, how wonderful to see significant others reaching out like this. I did not expect to find this. Welcome, Pauly! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulysnyder Posted July 10, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2004 Thanks. I am really lost on what to do on breaking the cycles I am often in with her. She refuses to use the label boyfriend/girlfriend because she is not ready for the commitment until she is better. We act like we are dating and if one of us did something with another person there would be serious problems. She says her whole heart is in this but she is scared. There are so many ups and downs and I'm completely lost on how to break this awful cycle we are in. Does anyone have any suggestions? Pauly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted July 10, 2004 Report Share Posted July 10, 2004 Welcome to the site, I am sure you will find the help and support you need here and hope you find the answers you are looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulysnyder Posted July 11, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 11, 2004 Thank you all for the support. I hope to gain some valuable answers and good advice on how to take care of all of this. Pauly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Richie Posted July 12, 2004 Report Share Posted July 12, 2004 Hi paulysnyder, I'm a non-bp trying to have a relationship with a girl who has BPD to. Read the same book, I know what you mean about always needing a bit more information. Have you seen the workbook that goes with walking on eggshells? I have not and am intrested if it helps, and what it is. Glad I'm not the only non-bp here. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inachus io Posted July 12, 2004 Report Share Posted July 12, 2004 Thanks. I am really lost on what to do on breaking the cycles I am often in with her. She refuses to use the label boyfriend/girlfriend because she is not ready for the commitment until she is better. We act like we are dating and if one of us did something with another person there would be serious problems. She says her whole heart is in this but she is scared. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> It is amazing how much baggage I carry around on words like boyfriend or relationship. Right now I utterly refuse to use the terms, and I get angry at one person who thinks it's funny to insist that it is, and keeps telling me how the guy wants to get married and have kids and that's what he wants and he's like that and I should "face up to reality." Others of my friends, with whom I've actually discussed it, understand my reasoning and why I'm doing it that way, are quite disgusted with her but at the same time, I haven't discussed it with her - and I won't. She simply wouldn't understand, or she'd try to interfere to set things the way she think she ought to be. Oh, I think you've hit a hot button of mine, but it ain't you. It may seem strange, that while you're acting like you have a more committed relationship, she absolutely won't commit to it - and won't call you her boyfriend. But she's trying to avoid the programming she's got when it comes to her notions of what a relationship should be, I think. At least, that's what I'm doing. I have a close friendship and sexual relationship with a man. he's not my boyfriend, but I wouldn't date anyone else. Even though we're not dating. When he comes home from work (he works out of town and comes back every other weekend) all plans with my other friends are off; we are spending time together. Even if that's just sitting around watching TV and going out to eat or whatever. We make plans to do things, we're going on vacation together, we spend a lot of time doing stuff together like gardening and such. But if he were my boyfriend, terrible things would happen. I'd put him on a pedestal, and the second he made a mistake, it would be a disaster, whether I pinned it totally on him or decided that it was all my fault. Tiny issues would get blown out of proportion. I'd resent his being away from me for so long - but if he complied with my demands and spent more time with me, i'd start to feel stifled and afraid. I would feel like I was under so much pressure I'd start to spin completely out of control. Strage what a couple of words can do, eh? I set these limits months ago, just by knowing my pattern and my habits, and this seemed like a solution. I talked about my fears with him, my discomfort, and the conflict that I felt because of the attraction I felt - and so he couldn't be my boyfriend. But if I could have an hour of his time on the bed over there... He went for it. And so he's not my boyfriend. And so far, it's all right - I haven't gone crazy yet. Sooner or later I will have to progress, I suppose, but right now I'm trying to work out how this will work for me. That's what I thought a few months ago. Last week I was diagnosed with BPD. I'm going to have to tell him, and I don't know how things are going to fall out after that. Whether he'll still want to do this, or if it'll just be too weird for him, or what. But anyway. I feel like I need that distance, I truly do. Even if it seems irrational! So I ask - does it really matter, what you call it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulysnyder Posted July 13, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2004 Thank you soooooooooo much! I really thought it was something completely wrong with me like she was waiting for something better to come along and until then I was just there. The problem lies with other guys. There are other guys who like her alot and she is looking for a friendship with them and they are looking for something more. She has a hard time setting the boundries and things often get rough because when the question do you have a boyfriend comes up her answer is no. My problem lies in that. I am awfully worried about loosing such an incredible person. And we do talk about a future together with marrige and kids....sometimes.....it usually becomes ify when another guy comes in the picture and I get jealous. I am often suspicious and need to back off but I am so worried about these other guys. In fact, just the past few days some new guy came in the picture who likes her and actually flew her out of town for breakfast bc he had his piolet's licence. Now I was extremely jealous and hurt and that didn't seem to matter. As far as my next statement about your situation goes I hope it helps and not hinders. Having BPD shouldn't change anything with the exception of now having an answer to all those unanswered questions right? I mean before you were diagnosed you still felt the same way and acted the same way correct? So he should love you the same way bc you are still the same person. At least that is what I think. Her and I got together before she was unoffically diagnosed and all it did was somewhat help bc I knew what to expect. I could read the book STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS and learn how to interpret things or just try and understand the tiniest bit of what was going on. Doesn't that make BPD a label just like a boyfriend label. You now have been diagnosed with BPD but that doesn't change you as a person I don't think. Thank you soo much for responding and you helped me tremendously. I just hope I haven't send anything offensive If any of this has offended you in anyway I'm soo incredibly sorry and you can tell me to shut up and not respond to you. I hope I didn't upest you and I hope it was somewhat helpful to know that when I heard her diagnosis it didn't change who she was it simply placed a label to help with finding answers. Richie, Check out the relationship board and let me know what you think. Then feel free to post some stuff up there so I can respond to you. It is good to have another guy nonBPD to share stuff with and see about how maybe we should and should not handle certain things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted July 13, 2004 Report Share Posted July 13, 2004 Wow! It won't be long before the people with Borderline Personality Disorder are the minority here! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulysnyder Posted July 13, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 13, 2004 HaHaHa!!! Nice. Well hey its hard to find a nonBPD place where they don't cry and moan and vent about how terrible dealing with BPD is as if it was so easy from the end of someone who has BPD. But let us know if we are bothering you here because personally if I was I would leave if it got to be annoying having a whole bunch of us nonBPD's around. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted July 13, 2004 Report Share Posted July 13, 2004 Nah, you're okay, Paul. Lanie is cool too. So far, you troublemakers haven't stirred up much trouble around here! You can stick around as long as long as you're not spies for the CIA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulysnyder Posted July 14, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2004 Nah not the CIA.....we just work for the FBI......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairytales817 Posted July 14, 2004 Report Share Posted July 14, 2004 ::gets scared:: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buoyantcat Posted July 14, 2004 Report Share Posted July 14, 2004 Oh, thanks! Now I can tell on you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairytales817 Posted July 14, 2004 Report Share Posted July 14, 2004 Who do we tattle to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulysnyder Posted July 14, 2004 Author Report Share Posted July 14, 2004 no reason to tattle I think my time on the website is completed. Thank you soo much and the best of lucks. If there are any questions please go to the relationship board and look under nonbpd sooooo confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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