walker Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Well have got about 100 minutes before I get completely kicked out of the MH systemLast appt at 10, and I have NO exptectations that there will be any more support for meNot ill, Remember? - just making it all bad.So, when I get my next occ health appt I will ask to return to work, and bury as much of the shit as I can.I wont change, havent changed, havent solved or sorted anything in the past 8 months, except to hide away from the worldAnd have found that the world really doesnt give a shit if I am in it or not.I am here for my family, that is all, and for them I shall continue, but I shall never be true to myself, never be what I wanted, never know who that really isSomeone deep inside me is about to die, but I do not have the courage to save her, Do not have the courage to let her flyI am sorry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bibiddi Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Simply because you dont have mental health support, doesnt mean you dont have mental health problems.I'm sure you understand that.The NHS are rubbish in regards to mental health they have such limited finances.But its not a reflection on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel123 Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Hey walkerYou dont know that yet. They migh have someone sorted for you. Please dont think like that you never know.Go along to the appointment and ask what you are meant to do support wise. They might have you on the waiting list for a cpn or someone.We are here for you ok. xx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lucy Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Simply because you dont have mental health support, doesnt mean you dont have mental health problems.I agree, just because thy have stopped helping you doesnt mean that you shouldnt help yourselfLucy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
flowergirl Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 People do give a shit walker, but you have to give a shit too. You are not fighting for a little girl, you are fighting for yourself, your future. Staying around for others is a good way forward initially, and when you realise your worth you may even start staying around for you, for what you want. Maybe now isnt the time to look into the depths and try and sort it out, maybe when you are a little more stable. Recovery is a journey not a destination.Take care, thinking of you xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lily-Bee Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Can you tell us how your appointment went??If they really wont give you more help that doesnt mean all is lost, we here at BPDworld have options for you, like can provide you with a SW and other stuff. You might want to send in a ticket about this.Lilly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel123 Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Hey thereWaiting to hear how things went.XXXX Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 NothingNothng at allJames has tried to get me a new CPN, but because I am on the case load of the old one, they wont. The old one hasnt made any contact since August, when I told James I wouldnt see her any more.There is a new one attached to my surgery, and he will try to see if the old one will swap me to him, but that means swapping someone else the other way.So NONo helpbut hey - what do they care - I am 'high functioning' - I have managed without the MH services for 40 years, have cried myself through the years, rather than SH and OD, so I guess they are happy that I am safe enough to be left.I dont know what to do next.James has got to send a report to occ health, and then ??????????????Crawl back to where you came from, and hide your problems - because the MH service will never help you with your personality - your shitty, pathetic, lazy, childish, cowardly shitty shitty shitty personality Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 F*ck thisWhy cant I just OD, like everyone elseWhy am I still here?Why the hell am I still here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lostinme Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 *squeezey tight hugs* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 my son is coming home tomorrowfor a weekafter that I will do what theywantI will OD thats obviously what they want from mewho gives a shit anywya Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fairy Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Hey Walker,Give yourself a chance. Is it your fault you are ill? No. Is it your responsibility to get better? Yes. Is it your fault your can't find the start point? No. Should you give up looking? No. Is there a way out? Yes.In my experience you need to find the right therapist, that does mean going privately. Is it worth it? Oh yes, more than any words I can write. To be heard, validated, accepted.You are worth it, you are worthy of being happy.Fairy xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fucktheworld Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 please don't od :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 funny I dont see you as bad, just braver than mei could never do what you suggest, I am a pathetic coward, who plays safe cos she is so frightened of the worldI guess most of the MH wouldnt see me as BPD cos all my irrationality is tightly held inside my head. - I cant do anythng cos for evry thought ther e is another 1000 waiting to condemn, twist, confuse, rationalize, and the whold lot raging around in mili seconds in my head.I am gripped by the rules of my upbringing like chains around mei just cant damn well moveed.you didnt need to delete thati agree with what yu said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fucktheworld Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 walker,Good girls always see the bad girls as braver, it isn't true. It is much harder to be good than bad.hugsomg didn't know if i was going to offend you so did just in case...so so sorry about the other one..ok? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 strange you say thatmy T today said that if I hadnt been encouraged to walk out in Feb, I would never have admitted that there was a right time to leave school, even if I had had to get sectioned!!!I wish I bloody well hadI am sSOO scared of what people think, and so lost as to who I am in all this, that I have to do what they all needJust dont know what is going to happen next Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miko Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 Are your meds (medicines) right?Is your GP approachable & creative?(I'm lucky I stumbled across an enthusiastic one & pills that are doing me somewhat better - as far as I can tell on day 4) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 no meds stopped in jangp goodwill try to see him again tmrodont know why tho Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wednesday Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 WalkerI am sorry you feel so abandoned but from what you have said in other threads it doesn't seem to be about them not recognising your illness. You have said in many threads that you don't want to get better. Then I need to ask you, what sort of help do you want? What do you want help to do? I am really sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be. I am genuinely unclear about what you can expect of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 somewhere there is a part of me that has to change, she is imprisoned the fear of change is something I had no idea of when I began this journeyi cannot do this on my owni dont know wich way to go now there is too much going on in my head - most of it says stop giv up go back what do you want me tos ays Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rael Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 when i got involved with the cmht, all they kept asking me was 'what can we do', 'what will help you'. it was frustrating because i never knew (and still dont know) what anyone can do to help me. if i did know then it would make things so much easier to say 'do this and i will be fine'. i think the point of it was to get me to focus on the things that made me feel better.i know the fear of change, it's all encompassing and so so scary when this is all you know. you do not have to do this alone, but you do need to try your best to work out things that have maybe helped (however little) in the past, they are things that can be worked with.please please dont od, you really are worth so much more than that and i know you cant see that right now but it is true. i doubt that it is what they want you to do either though i know that it often appears that way.as far as i knew they should not be throwing you out of the system if you are still feeling this way. surely that means that they have not succeeded in doing their job.im glad that you have a supportive gp, i know that often there is little that they can actually do, but sometimes it can help just to know that there is someone there on your side. i hope you get to see them tomorrow and can let them know what is going on.xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 yes they have said thos things to me and i have no anwersall i know is i need a place that is safe to work throgh the hurt and someone to help me find the way throughall they want is for me to say yeah my thoughts stink give me new ones, ha ha after 30 years wha a breeze why the hell couldnt i give up who i was in 20+ hours of talkingyouve failed stupid childish being, you would do it if you really wanted to heay so easy hurry up then you can brea up your being and your soul and your family and your home why cant you jjust hurry up no now you can gocos you dont play wuick enough so we dont trust you and we aint going to bother giving you any more so go do whatever you like all i know is what i knewhow can i know stuff that has never been known to mewhat else is the voices of everyone else their ideas their opinions their thoughtseach one adding to the confusion - do i work or die or sit or fight or talk or sleep or give up or or or orwhat i ask whatand they want decisions - why do they punish me like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 yes they have said thos things to me and i have no anwersall i know is i need a place that is safe to work throgh the hurt and someone to help me find the way throughall they want is for me to say yeah my thoughts stink give me new ones, ha ha after 30 years wha a breeze why the hell couldnt i give up who i was in 20+ hours of talkingyouve failed stupid childish being, you would do it if you really wanted to heay so easy hurry up then you can brea up your being and your soul and your family and your home why cant you jjust hurry up no now you can gocos you dont play wuick enough so we dont trust you and we aint going to bother giving you any more so go do whatever you like all i know is what i knewhow can i know stuff that has never been known to mewhat else is the voices of everyone else their ideas their opinions their thoughtseach one adding to the confusion - do i work or die or sit or fight or talk or sleep or give up or or or orwhat i ask whatand they want decisions - why do they punish me like this Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
icu_baby Posted October 23, 2008 Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 my son is coming home tomorrowfor a weekafter that I will do what theywantI will OD thats obviously what they want from mewho gives a shit anywyano no no no no don't OD. They are ignorant and don't understand what its like to have BPD. Keep looking for someone who understands and has successfully treated people with similar problems. They are out there and they are not to be found in the public system. You will find someone who is compassionate and willing to work with you and knows what they are doing. Please contact BPDworld and they might be able to give you a referral somewhere if you are in the UK. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
walker Posted October 23, 2008 Author Report Share Posted October 23, 2008 but i dont knwT said bpd but then apd or dpd or whatjust a shit personaltiynot mentally ill just wrongi knew itjust wrong but who is she thats wrongshe is just fll of other people and she doesnt know whcih one she is she is standing in middle of a maze and she hates them she is so so scared cos mazes are traps full of unnown and she hates that more than anythingwhy wont they helpr her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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