No More Mh

[walker]

?

[Rael]

:hug2:

xxx

[Angel123]

Hey walker.

Please keep talking. Big hugs to you. XX

[icu_baby]

but i dont knw

T said bpd but then apd or dpd or what

just a shit personaltiy

not mentally ill just wrong

i knew it

just wrong but who is she thats wrong

she is just fll of other people and she doesnt know whcih one she is

she is standing in middle of a maze and she hates them she is so so scared cos mazes are traps full of unnown and she hates that more than anything

why wont they helpr her

Walker, no you don't have a shit personality. That is not what BPD means. I know there is alot of stigmatization around that label and I know it hurts when people can't acknowledge that you need help but its a myth and please don't believe them. You have a mental disorder and that needs to be treated and your have the right to get treated. Just stick up for yourself and tell them what you are saying. Can you call a helpline in your area that might be able to refer you to someone?

[walker]

so do I try for a docs appt

Is there really any point??

[Angel123]

Of cousre theres a point. You can feel better.

Make a docs appointment and just see what happens. If no success then see if there is anything in the area that can offer you support.

And i can help you with that. I know the area and can see what i can find out for you.

Stick with it.

Take care xx

[walker]

got appt but not till this eve, and son will be home then, so not sure what to do

try so hard to hide it all from him

just dont know waht to do necxt

[Angel123]

Well make sure you go to the appointment for a start.

It is so haard having to hide it from people, i really understand that. But he is getting older now and might understand or if he does sense that something is wrong maybe you could just simply say that you are feeling poorly.

Thats normally what i do.

Take things as they come. Maybe just rest today, have a nice hot bah. The weather is grotty anyway. And then see what happens at the docs later.

Maybe write stuff down and hand it to them before you speak and that might be easier.

Butt keep talking here.

Take care xx

[walker]

just had email from Ex T

he says i wasnt willing to change so there was nothing he could do

i hate her and her stupid f*cking personality

so its meds then

but then they will take away who i am

at least now in all this mess there is the real confusion and pain and its not being swallowed up in pills

[icu_baby]

Walker, you are willing to change and its your ex therapist that is incompetent for not being able to treat you and taking the coward way out by blaming the patient for not getting better rather then himself.

My advice to you is to email your ex therapist back with all your feelings and concerns etc so you get this off your chest and then look for a therapist that is more competent.

Half the battle is finding a good therapist hun. Don't give up.

xxx

[walker]

o k

options

see doc

- ask to be referred to CPN connectd with surgery

- ask to be referred back to psychiatrist

- ask for meds - prob through psychiatrist

- ask to be referred to a private hosp connectd with hubs job that MIGHT arrange support, (saw a psych through them years ago)

- arrange to see therapist I have had recommended privately

- talk to woman at PALS (patient liason) and try to get her to have a go on my behalf

- wait to hear from occ health

- see if occ health will get me referred for help

- stop making a fuss and get on

- go to work

- all of these

- none of them

- just get meds and shut up

?????????????????

[icu_baby]

Walker I am so glad you are considering your options and not giving up on yourself in this really tough time. All your options sound good to me except your meds only option.

If you can arrange to go to a private hospital than by all means do it. This is your best option as you can be somewhere safe and get therapy and they will put you on meds and give you follow up support once you leave the hospital. I think you should most definitely do this if you can. You can also make an appointment to see the recommended therapist. Its good when people recommend therapists through word of mouth because as we know there are bad therapists and good ones. Some cause more harm than good. If the appointment is 2 months or more for the recommended therapist you can make the appointment in preparation for outpatient therapy when you leave the hospital.

[walker]

the hosp is not somewhere I could go - believe me if it was, I would hav gne months ago

they only treat physical things there, but they did arrange for me to see a pdoc years and years ago, so I guess they might do the same again,

but then I can see one here

what i need is the right therpay, but i have no money now to pay for it, so i wil need to take meds to get back to work to pay and then it wont happen

da da da da da da da da

cant make decisions

as soon as i do, another comes and changes it

mess

[sundries]

Heavens walker, take meds.

why be hard on yourself, why make things so hard for yourself? what on earth is the misery and suffering for?

Loads of people have harsh lives and dont end up in such pain....maybe cos they have different chemicals in their brain that mean they dont feel the feelings so overwhelmingly and intensely, are we then to say that they arent fully human? arent truly real? havent truly 'dealt' with the feelings?

You say taking the pills will stop you being you, are you really saying that the essence of you is misery and suffering? Maybe the drugs would just give you the normal level of feelings other people have...that doesnt mean you wouldnt feel (if they did have that effect you would be on the wrong meds) it just means youre feelings wouldnt be so overwhelming that you cant and have no hope of dealing with them. Ok so it might give you a huge sense of accomplishment to manage intensity of feeling response way beyond an average human being who has what you might perceive as dulled emotions....but do you really need to be superwoman? Can you not let go of this perfection fantasy?

aargh i think psychoanalytic theories have a lot to answer for as a result of thier conceptualisation of mental disorder as being a result of the individuals belief structures.

Fine so there is loads of hostility to the biomedical model but could you not challenge yourself to consider that maybe the medical model might have rather a lot going for it? It doesnt purport to solve lifes problems for you. Drugs are not going to leave you with no feelings, no need to learn and devlop like any human being, just as fixing an underactive thyroid doesnt remove the need for exercise and healthy eating that the person without the undersactive thyroid needs in order to stay healthy. Why not give yourself the same footing as others from which to deal with your issues? Why give others a headstart, are you really so much stronger than them?

[walker]

im sorry

im not trying to be superwoman

i have been on and off meds

i had originally come off them because i was feeling worse, and wanted to try and sort stuff out without them

i have become trapped in a deeply negative spiral - which i am too terified and confused to get out of

sorry

:sofa:

[sundries]

oh well i didnt want to make u feel u had to apologise.

in bipolar it can often take a long time to find the meds that help. i found it worth trying. just a shame you are struggling so much, and you dont really seem to be managing much better off meds than on them.

[icu_baby]

Walker I wholeheartedly agree with what Sundries has said.

I would make and appointment with your GP and recommended specialist. They will know what meds to give you better than a GP

If you are on an antidepressant before and it made you feel worse you could might be dx with something else. You might need a mood stablizer or something for instance. Tell the doctors the meds you were on last time made you feel worse. I suspect you have another comorbid illness that maybe your other incompetent psych. failed to pick up on.

[walker]

Something you said , about perfection, has just made some sense in my head

That is why I cannot move

I am tired of everything feeling like it is half done, half loved, half tidy, half good,

My whole life - nothing ever good enough - (even my hub has said it loads of times to me - 'nothing is ever good enough for you')

I am a shitty mess, and I run away from life because I can NEVER make it what it should be

That is why I am so stuck, because I have tried and tried and tried, to live my life, my stupid, pathetic, inadequate life, and it just torments me.

I am not what you would see as a perfectionist, - I have never slaved away to achieve - too too lazy

NO

I run - I try, have a little go - see the cracks appearing - hang in for as long as possible ( telling myself its ok, its good enough, it will be fine) - but finally I run.

And I guess that is what I have done

I am in hiding, because I cannot deal with it any longer.

Not sure anyone will understand this

ed.

will end up seeing same psych. - he wanted me to take escitalopram and lithium, but I refused. He spent 20 mins with me, and never gave me diagnosis. I had just come out of a crisis, and was sat with him and 3 others, totally traumatised, not knowing what the hell was going on.

When I demanded a 2nd appt, one ws arranged 5 weeks later - and he never turned up.

He hates me cos I wouldnt take his stupid bloody meds. He wouldnt tell me what was wrong with me,

The game they play is 'dx isnt important , so long as you get the right treatment'

well I need to know

What is comorbid illness?

[Miko]

There are still issues that may not have been explored enough yet.

Dosages are a huge question, as are more drug & drug combination choices.

The clinic may have been unclear what they meant (or thought they meant - or may not even have thought) by 'change'.

Never stop exploring & creating your own ideas about this subject. The entire world changes, the air smells different every day, each insect and leaf changes into something it wasn't & stops being as it was, we are 24 hours further from old issues and 24 hours nearer to issues we don't even know yet, we will inevitably change without trying, our skins change, every cell changes, it's nature.

I've been told of reasons why I have to 'hang in here' emotionally and not have a morale collapse, I don't know what ones to offer you ...

Don't forget there may be options at BPD World (away from the forum), and also don't stop exploring the issues. There are other sites also with info about BPD. I think it is a mixture of bipolar with trauma over abuse (bearing in mind I am inexpert). I am too cocky to tilt much into BPD though I get like it at times. My GP prescribed a mood stabiliser that is also an anticonvulsant, 'just like that' as soon as I mentioned it. A lot of my disadvantages were and are down to absences, which I have mentioned, because I can see them very strongly in my experience, that did not lead to a formal 'diagnosis' by anyone other than my GP writing 'absences and nerve pain' (which I also get) on the prescription slip. I'm not sure my new dose is strong enough but I'm mentioning that there may be all sorts of avenues. (I still feel sad but more about the concretes. My mind seems to hold a bit more at a time, and to run slower.)

I don't think there is an outside tariff of what abuse is bad enough to cause trauma, but we need to see that we are strong enough to carry on living in spite of others living less than well around us (including some with some authority in a certain field).

If you are lonely keep in touch with us, also keep reading about different people's personality styles. inborn traits and experiences that shape human variety and remedial possibilities. For example Donna Williams has written a book called Jumbled Jigsaws about compulsive-obsessive, post-traumatic, bipolar and many other conditions and traits both in combination with information processing delay or restriction, and many bodily issues (typically in what has been loosely grouped as 'autism') and without them. That proved to me, matched with my experience, that I have rapid cycling bipolar (in minutes not weeks), and OCD, while some people on this forum showed me I have PTSD helped me identify with the BPD style of interacting when I am not cocky. And I have information processing difficulties on top of all this, a painful abdominal condition, after effects of a viral illness, etc. No one of these explains all the others. Keep exploring won't you, we hold an infinity of answers in & amongst us ...

[sundries]

Walker, try

Never Good Enough (how to use perfectionism to your advantagr without letting it ruin your life) by monica ramirez.

fantastic book on overcoming perfectionism

[walker]

no illness

nothing

no abuse

loved, cared for

my fault

my invention

me

[Rael]

illness does not mean you have to have undergone trauma, people can seem to have everything they want but can still feel like shit. you do not ask to feel this way and it is not your fault.

it is not an invention, it IS an illness and you are not to blame for it.

xxx

[icu_baby]

Walker why didn't you take the medication that they gave you? Lithium might help, you never know.

If you are upset that they would not give you a diagnosis (and you have the right to be) and they won't tell you, you can always access your notes through freedom of information. Just fill out a form and you can view them.

If he only met you for 20 mins it is hard to dx you and he could have done the right thing. I hate lazy pdocs who slap on the "bpd traits" who don't know you from a bar of soap. To me pdocs who do that are lazy.

My pdoc is the same in that he doesn't give a toss about dx/labels and he cares about treating the symptoms and thinks that concentrating on dx/labels prevents him from exploring the subjective feelings/issues of each person as an individual.

In one sense I feel frustrated like you, I need a dx so I can understand what is causing my low mood. I am the person that likes to know and in another sense he is right that labels/dx are not important as treating the symtoms.

[walker]

I dont think I have any desire to read what they say about me

I am convinced it will say I am not ill

I only saw the pdoc, after I had the crisis team in - and it was all down to depression - He was bizarre - in 20 mins he talked about my whole family and my husbands hobbies and drinking - and answered his mobile twice!!!

He offered to hospitalize me - which terrified me - and muttered away to others there and then left.

we talked about why I didnt want medication - he knew

according to the CPN, he said the depression was partly caused by my situation, but also within me????????

When my T told him he thought it was BPD, he said PD yes but not B, but T said he was still convinced

I - too - see that treatment is more important than the label

But I need to know

Trouble is

I have been told

but then I doubt

then I disbelieve

and they wont keep on telling me

Shit

this is a bad day

its like - tell me -tell me -tell me - but when they do, I darent believe its real.

I cant hear them saying T, you are ill ---------------- all I hear is T, you might be, but you are probably not.

Head is a mess

Woke up bad

Woke up going round and round in circles

44 an wont take control and sort herself out

God I hate her

ed. scared to be ill, scared not to be, scared I have caused it, scared I havent

scared

[wednesday]

Why are you so caught up in finding a legitimate excuse for feeling the way you do? Why do you need a label so badly?- it doesn't make it any more or less legitimate. I suppose that you need them to recognise your pain. From what you say they have already done that. No one else has told you that it is not important. Look at it from their point of view. What can they possibly offer you in order to feel better, medication- you are not keen on that. psychotherapy- you say you are not sure that you want to recover, hospitalization- you do not want this. What else can they give you. They cannot say that you can stay the same and everything will be all right. I know that this is frightening.

I am worried that you are backing yourself into a corner just as I did where i thought that really all I had to be was tough on myself and I would be able to force myself to make it better by sheer will power and then getting more and more exhausted, confused and depressed when this did not work. You need to find a therapist that you can trust so that you feel safe to risk changing with their help.